Monday, December 28, 2009

Today I will.

I have learned along the way that to speak about my feelings makes them a tad less scary and a lot less intense. So here goes.

I'm scared. Yup. Plain old scared. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of the success that has come my way recently.

This journey of healing from the past is tough. It's a hard road to be on sometimes. But that doesn't mean that it's not worth it. But there is a price to pay I've found and that price is moving forward and facing and feeling the fear and the emotional pain.

I know that if I freeze up and don't do anything that life wont change today. It will stay pretty much same ole same ole. Bumping along, anxiety ridden, panic stricken. Fear has ruled my world for years; decades. No more.

No longer will I hide in isolation and darkness. No longer will I use my life to live in my head, playing over and over the movies of past pain or fantasizing about what I'm going to do "someday" or wishing for what might have been had my life been different. No. Today I am the author of my life; no longer will the past claim stake on my future.

Every day I have the same amount of time as those who have "succeeded" in life. Every day I can choose to view my life as something that I am in control of or to live my life as a victim feeling entitled and believeing that "if only" this or that would change then my life would happen.

And while every day - sometimes many times each day - I may struggle with the thoughts that can dredge me down and sap my soul...I know that I will come out the victor in the end.

So - today I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. Today I will live my best life, letting go of the pain and resentments of the past, taming the demons that haunt me. Today I will claim that I no longer live as a victim nor a survivor but as a victor.

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