Monday, December 28, 2009

Today I will.




I have learned along the way that to speak about my feelings makes them a tad less scary and a lot less intense. So here goes.

I'm scared. Yup. Plain old scared. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of the success that has come my way recently.

This journey of healing from the past is tough. It's a hard road to be on sometimes. But that doesn't mean that it's not worth it. But there is a price to pay I've found and that price is moving forward and facing and feeling the fear and the emotional pain.

I know that if I freeze up and don't do anything that life wont change today. It will stay pretty much same ole same ole. Bumping along, anxiety ridden, panic stricken. Fear has ruled my world for years; decades. No more.

No longer will I hide in isolation and darkness. No longer will I use my life to live in my head, playing over and over the movies of past pain or fantasizing about what I'm going to do "someday" or wishing for what might have been had my life been different. No. Today I am the author of my life; no longer will the past claim stake on my future.

Every day I have the same amount of time as those who have "succeeded" in life. Every day I can choose to view my life as something that I am in control of or to live my life as a victim feeling entitled and believeing that "if only" this or that would change then my life would happen.

And while every day - sometimes many times each day - I may struggle with the thoughts that can dredge me down and sap my soul...I know that I will come out the victor in the end.

So - today I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. Today I will live my best life, letting go of the pain and resentments of the past, taming the demons that haunt me. Today I will claim that I no longer live as a victim nor a survivor but as a victor.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

Twas the Night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Self discovery


Image source: http://www.art.com/products/p12195187-sa-i1569282/i-am.htm

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Thought for today...opportunity may knock only once

I can't lay claim to coming up with this...but it was so good I had to post it - with credit to CSI on December 16th:

Temptation will lean on the doorbell but opportunity may knock only once.

So true isn't it?

How do you interpret this?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Callin' all you angels...

Pat Monohan "calling all angels"...


"Calling All Angels"

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

[Chorus:]
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up [Repeat x4]

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

[Chorus]

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

[Chorus x2]

Calling all you angels [Repeat till fade]

Saturday, December 19, 2009

"Good enough", "doing it right" and my jammies

Tonight I realized just how far I've come.

For the longest time - like my entire life I suppose - I have lived under that shadow, that remnant of my childhood where no matter what I did or said it wasn't "right". There was always some criticizm or abuse that would come of it. A slap alongside the head, "boxing" of my ears, "dumcoft" (one of three words my father taught me in german; my "heritage"). "Shut up", "brat" and "idiot" was the norm in our house (you notice I didnt say "home").

There was probably just as much or more abuse from my older siblings as there was from my parents so the math would be 2 parents + 5 older siblings. In general some ridicule of my very existence every day regardless of the wistful wishes of being heard, hugged or loved in any not sexual or physical hurtful way.

This affected me my entire life to the point that no matter what I did or said even in the privacy of my own home as an adult ---years and decades after "getting away" from the battelground that was my childhood ---I could not be "ok" with just about any choice or decision that I made. I had become completely frozen. Afraid to speak. Afraid to take a step. I reached a point in my family that I would start to shake out of terror that one of the "wicked stepsisters" (half sisters) or my father would begin to question me which would always lead to some ridicule and eventually more verbal, emotional and psychological abuse if I even attempted to exert any kind of control or choice over my own life.

Tonight it was my PJ's. As I was pulling my old stretched out grey t shirt over my head and my bright blue stretchy comfy pant on with my old navy blue nike zip up sweatshirt with a hood along with my wool socks that have holes in them....

The thought went through my mind of how in the past I would have:

1. felt shame for not having "nice" or "real" pajamas, matching robe and slippers (god only knows what "nice" was because no matter how much I paid for it it was never "nice" enough) AND not going to bed with bright white teeth, picture perfect hair and the makeup that never seemed to wash off

And/or:

2. if anyone would knock on my door unexpectedly like a neighbor asking to borrow that famed cup of sugar from the Ozzie and Harriet type tv shows ---I would either hurriedly try to freshen myself up enough all the while apologizing for my drab not new at all sweats and tshirt (like they even give a rip?)

But tonight I realized that while those thoughts and feelings still lurk in the back of my mind as does the potential for that related anxiety...that I was ok with my frumpy not pretty pj's. Finally I dont feel as though I need to apologize for walking into a room or calling you on the phone --- or for the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the life I live.

Finally I can acknowledge the confusing feelings I've had as I vacillate back and forth between that love/hate feelings I have about my family. Finally I can put responsiblity on the adults in my life that hurt and neglected me instead of making excuses for them and their behavior. Finally I can let go and say that I wasn't bad, it wasn't my fault, I can't fix it. Finally I understand and accept that my thoughts, feelings, choices...my existance...are and always have been just fine... and so are my jammies tonight.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Quote of the day...Albert Einstein

A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. Albert Einstein

Find your voice....John Mayer "Say"


Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Nothing you can't do. Jay Z and Alicia Keys at the 2009 AMA's

While this song can be about any number of things the most oblivious being the great city of New York...what I'm taking from it today is there is nothing I can't do...




Yeah,
Yeah, Imma up at Brooklyn,
Now Im down in Tribeca,
Right next to DeNiro,
But I’ll be hood forever,
I’m the new Sinatra,
And since I made it here,
I can make it anywhere,
Yeah they love me everywhere,
I used to cop in Harlem,
All of my dominicanos
Right there up on broadway,
Brought me back to that McDonalds,
Took it to my stash spot,
Five Sixty Stage street,
Catch me in the kitchen like a simmons whipping pastry,
Cruising down 8th street,
Off white lexus,
Driving so slow but BK is from Texas,
Me I’m up at Bedsty,
Home of that boy Biggie,
Now I live on billboard,
And I brought my boys with me,
Say wat up to Ty Ty, still sipping Malta
Sitting courtside Knicks and Nets give me high fives,
N-gga I be spiked out, I can trip a referee,
Tell by my attitude that I most definitely from…
In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York
[Jay-Z]
I made you hot n-gga,
Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,
Sh-t I made the yankee hat more famous than a yankee can,
You should know I bleed Blue, but I aint a crip tho,
But I got a gang of n-ggas walking with my click though,
Welcome to the melting pot,
Corners where we selling rocks,
Afrika bambaataa sh-t,
Home of the hip hop,
Yellow cap, gypsy cap, dollar cab, holla back,
For foreigners it aint fitted they forgot how to act,
8 million stories out there and their naked,
Cities is a pity half of y’all won’t make it,
Me I gotta plug a special and I got it made,
If Jesus payin LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade,
3 dice cee-lo
3 card marley,
Labor day parade, rest in peace Bob Marley,
Statue of Liberty, long live the World trade,
Long live the king yo,
I’m from the empire state thats…
In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York
Welcome to the bright light..
Lights is blinding,
Girls need blinders
So they can step out of bounds quick,
The side lines is blind with casualties,
Who sipping life casually, then gradually become worse,
Don’t bite the apple Eve,
Caught up in the in crowd,
Now your in-style,
And in the winter gets cold en vogue with your skin out,
The city of sin is a pity on a whim,
Good girls gone bad, the cities filled with them,
Mommy took a bus trip and now she got her bust out,
Everybody ride her, just like a bus route,
Hail Mary to the city your a Virgin,
And Jesus can’t save you life starts when the church ends,
Came here for school, graduated to the high life,
Ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight,
MDMA got you feeling like a champion,
The city never sleeps better slip you a Ambien
In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York
One hand in the air for the big city,
Street lights, big dreams all looking pretty,
No place in the World that can compare,
Put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeaaahh
Come on, come,
Yeah,
In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
Theres nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York



Jay-z Empire State Of Mind lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/jayz-empire-state-of-mind-lyrics.html

Monday, December 14, 2009

Write your own story...Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten"



"Unwritten"

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

How do I?...I will.

how do I do this
how do I see
that I am not limited
in what I can be?

how do I go forward
leave the past behind
how do I get there
what will I find?

Somehow I have to
reach for that ring
Some way I'll get there
I'll be free and I'll sing

Standing at the top of that mountain
ready to reach for the stars
no longer fearful
no longer scared
I know that I will go far

this day I will get there
You know that I will
No longer a victim
I stand free and until
I let go of the memories
I grieve the past
No longer helpless
I am free at last


by Susan December 2, 2009