I realized that I was not the cause of all things "bad"

In making that mind-shift from living in and managing "illness" to learning to live in today and live a life of "wellness" I did a couple of things; I learned to listen to and connect to my thoughts, my emotions and how these fueled the choices I made...and I learned to trust myself.

Unrest. That feeling of "something's not right" was not something I was familiar with "listening to". In fact - if things were not "A-OK" then I knew....I just knew - that I had done something wrong and I would work myself into a frenzy to try to "figure out" what I had to do to "fix it".

That came from part of that belief system where I had been programmed from the beginning to believe that I had little or no value outside of that which my family (the term "family" used very loosely here) said that I had.

It also stemmed from the need for safety and security that was lacking having grown up in a less than (huuurrrmmph) stable environment.

So I would frantically try to understand what it was that I had done to "cause" the unrest in my world and when I viewed myself as the source of world domination (ie all bad things were somehow my fault)

I carried a tremendous, unbearable heavy load that over a lifetime became overwhelmingly more and more difficult to bear.

And in time, when I could no longer carry this burdeon that I was somehow defective, bad and the cause of not only my own discomfort and pain

but that of eveyone around me

I shut down.

I got very reactive

defensive

and unable to, even in my own mind, make much sense of things.

And it took time some time and practice but I learned to use those "reactions" - that sense of "somethings not right"

the negative thoughts about myself that I am the sole cause of others pain and anguish

and thus their happiness

the fear of what someone else might do or say if I make a choice different than what they might "approve" of

to guide me from "there" in that "dark place" where I am both the villain and the victim searching for someone to tell me what to do, how to make the "right" choice, how to "fix" whatever it is that is causing the unrest within my own being

to that place of peace and acceptance where I am in control and the Maestro, orchestrating not the world that belongs to others

but that of my own.