My "Do Over"

Each Season is New
"Spring"

From the archives of May 2010...

Each year consists of 365 days, each day holds the same 1,440 minutes. I got tired of year after year being the same, feeling the same hopelessness for anything more than the chronic emotional anguish that I had lived in for years. Helpless to believe that I had any power to change this. I was just surviving but not really living.

Some time ago I started looking at each day as another 1,440 opportunities to stop whatever wasn't working and start over, begin making new choices, creating the life I want today in spite of what my yesterday looked like.

If today isn't what I want it to be - I have 1,440 chances to turn it into the life I want by choosing differently...by being aware of the thoughts that drive my dependence on other people, places and things that really have no bearing on how my day plays out. Then choosing to come back to the understanding that while I can't always choose what is going on in my life at any given moment - I can always choose how I let it affect me and what my response will be to any given situation or circumstance.
Every moment of every day is a chance to have that "do over" that I'd always wanted.
~

I realized that I was not the cause of all things "bad"

In making that mind-shift from living in and managing "illness" to learning to live in today and live a life of "wellness" I did a couple of things; I learned to listen to and connect to my thoughts, my emotions and how these fueled the choices I made...and I learned to trust myself.

Unrest. That feeling of "something's not right" was not something I was familiar with "listening to". In fact - if things were not "A-OK" then I knew....I just knew - that I had done something wrong and I would work myself into a frenzy to try to "figure out" what I had to do to "fix it".

That came from part of that belief system where I had been programmed from the beginning to believe that I had little or no value outside of that which my family (the term "family" used very loosely here) said that I had.

It also stemmed from the need for safety and security that was lacking having grown up in a less than (huuurrrmmph) stable environment.

So I would frantically try to understand what it was that I had done to "cause" the unrest in my world and when I viewed myself as the source of world domination (ie all bad things were somehow my fault)

I carried a tremendous, unbearable heavy load that over a lifetime became overwhelmingly more and more difficult to bear.

And in time, when I could no longer carry this burdeon that I was somehow defective, bad and the cause of not only my own discomfort and pain

but that of eveyone around me

I shut down.

I got very reactive

defensive

and unable to, even in my own mind, make much sense of things.

And it took time some time and practice but I learned to use those "reactions" - that sense of "somethings not right"

the negative thoughts about myself that I am the sole cause of others pain and anguish

and thus their happiness

the fear of what someone else might do or say if I make a choice different than what they might "approve" of

to guide me from "there" in that "dark place" where I am both the villain and the victim searching for someone to tell me what to do, how to make the "right" choice, how to "fix" whatever it is that is causing the unrest within my own being

to that place of peace and acceptance where I am in control and the Maestro, orchestrating not the world that belongs to others

but that of my own.

Owning it

Meet Zeus!

I'm always looking around inside and outside of myself to find ways to explain what it is that I've been able to do as I've created this new paradigm of wellness for myself...

It's one thing to know that I've been able to make that mind-shift for myself from "illness" to "wellness" it's another thing to be able to share with others just how I did that - how I found my way from "there" aka that very dark place to "here" where I live in the light and create the life of my choosing each day - minus the chronic "symptoms" of "mental illness" and the smorgasbord of "diagnosis" that I had accepted for many, many years. (More on my journey is here)

So today's metaphor comes from my dogs. Well - one of them lives with me (Brindle:)) the other visits when my son is out of town (Zeus:)).

And today I'd like to introduce you to Zeus - and tell you that when he and Brindle are playing, he OWNS his rawhide...

"Owns" as in he walks around with it in his mouth, he tosses it up in the air and pounces on it like a puppy, shakes it back and forth as though he was the magnificent hunter that brought home dinner....

He doesn't hesitate, doesn't seem doubtful of himself.

He is "dog".

He IS

and he doesn't doubt that.

He is Master of the Rawhide.

Confident....sure of his place in the world of rawhides:)

And this is what I've found to be so vital to my own healing, making that mind shift from the dark tormenting thoughts that could drag me down and cause me such misery and recognizing the source of that doubt as from the lies of the past where I was taught that I was "less than"

not "good enough"

couldn't do things "right enough"

that whatever was wrong in the world it was

"my fault".

I learned that I had to OWN my existence - my "I am-ness" and become master of my own journey and my healing, not question it or doubt it but to embrace it, play with it, experiment in my days, find the internal confidence that cancels the doubt that could keep me frozen and inert.

I used the negative thoughts to guide my changes and learn to "over-ride" the negative messages that ran constantly in what I call the "subtitles" in the back of my mind that fueled that feeling of "less than" and caused me to instinctively want to isolate from the world and hide in my shame that something was "wrong" with me.

Is this kind of internal change "easy" to come by?

No.

But it is so well worth it.

See "Was it Worth It?" here.

Q: How have you learned to OWN your own wellness and create that mind-shift from "illness" to one of living in "wellness"?

Left Brain + Right Brain = Wise Mind

I used to be ashamed for being "smart"; I actually felt stupid because I was told I was wrong for using my brain especially in my attempts to find my way out of that dark place. In hindsight it was kind of like the mechanic that doesn't want you to know how to change your own oil or he will lose business.....creating dependency.

Each time I would find a seed of hope or insight....or disagreed on being labeled as "lifetime member" of Club MI....

My hand got slapped and I was typically told I was "intellectualizing" or being "difficult"

But part of using my "smart" is that I learned how to recognize when "being smart" and searching for my own answers became another "avoidance" behavior that was hindering rather than helping me along in my journey....

For some reason being smart isn't allowed; compliance is what's expected - I often had T's and Docs that would tell me to stop using their "lingo"...to stop trying to "intellectualize" this stuff and "just do it" - with no instructions no less...

T: "you are co dependent" or "you need to set some boundaries"....yeah; thats kind what I'm doing here so how would you suggest I do that?....

...yet

That is exactly how I found my way out of the darkness.

Knowledge is power, and truth sets us free...

I had one person who encouraged me to use my intelligence to connect with my emotions.

And I did.

Left Brain + Right Brain = Wise Mind

So I drew my own map and began this awesome Journey!

W00t!

:)

Blood, Sweat and Tears

For some reason lately this song has been running through my mind..."Spinning Wheel" by the group Blood Sweat and Tears from 1969.

This has been in the context of that "racing mind" that seems to go along with mental health issues, that feeling of "stuckness" and feeling of powerlessness to make the nightmares stop and...the loss of hope that my life could be anything different than what it has been..

As I thought about this song, I Googled for the meaning behind this song and found this:

Whatever is troubling you, whether it is lack of money or homelessness, it will work itself out one way or another and it's just not worth getting upset over.

(Read more: http://www.faqs.org/lyrics/Blood-Sweat-and-Tears-Spinning-Wheel.html#ixzz0ktljhxFs)

For the longest time I struggled with the idea of "letting go" of the past...and all of the emotional pain - and baggage - that came with it.

And the simplest way that I can describe this "letting go" and as is in the song "ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel turn..."

Is to recognize that when I am "spinning" on the past, the pain, the betrayal, the traumas and issues that my life experience has been - as long as I'm "spinning" on it I'm simply going in circles, round and round and round. A dilemma with no end in sight.

Over time I have been able to learn to recognize when I'm "spinning" that I am often holding on to this rumination in order to validate my experiences that were denied by so many others in my lifetime...but also that as I ruminate over the pain of the past I am searching for a way to resolve the past in my today, which of course is impossible.

So I have to ask myself what is it that I am accomplishing with this re-living of these resentments and I have come to realize that this allows me to continue to avoid the emotions that are connected to the experiences in which my power was taken from me in one way or another.

That I have effectively put myself on the Merry-Go-Round and am riding the painted pony that is not going anywhere, not accomplishing anything - other than to spend my today reliving and holding on to the pain of a past that I cannot change.

But I have also learned that if I can let go and stop reliving the pain of my past...that I can ride the Merry-Go-Round with the joy and excitement of a life lived in freedom...and a peace beyond my understanding.