"Thing 1 and thing 2" .... Mini Life Lessons

Lesson 1: feeling powerless is different than being powerless. There is ALWAYS a solution and most often finding my own solutions meant I had to let go of the solutions I'd been given as the "only options". 

Lesson 2: Hopelessness is toxic to happiness. To be happy I had to find hope for a better tomorrow. I did this by revisiting Lesson 1 frequently :)

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More about "story"....

About "sharing our story" to heal emotionally and psychologically ....

First - realize that not everyone can do this; those who cannot sit with their own pain will not be able to sit with ours.

A second thing to understand is that it is up to us to "work through" our past pain; this is not something that another can do "for" us or even "with" us. 

And finally - know that by telling our story over and over to everyone and anyone who will listen is often not helpful. Our pain is ours to "work through"; it not fair to others to make our relationships about only our pain. 

Then seek out a friend who will not get in your pity party with you by focusing on who did what and what a jerk he/she was to have hurt/violated/wounded you. 

Rather, seek a friend who will allow you to tell your story until you are done telling your story.

...someone who can empathize and express how the telling of this story affects them...someone who can verbalize and validate your feelings rather than focusing on the "asshole" who did this to you. 

Not "fixing", not dismissing, not enabling the story to go and on without resolution. 

But someone who can be that soft place to fall when you need someone to "support" you emotionally and then celebrate your freedom with you. :)

You have so got this; I know its hard....you can do it:) 

Susan:) 

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The pain of growth....

All growth begins with pain. Pain is an indicator that growth is taking place; that the new is being birthed. To resist? I found was to, in a way, die. It was a living death; a death and darkness that would not pass until I was willing to go through the pain of birthing the new life I have today. 

~Susan Kingsley-Smith

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Back in time...A Blast From the Past

Every now and then I like to just revisit the archives so today - a few shares from last year.

This Is How We Do It....from April 2011 a brief excerpt...I frequently am asked "how did you do this? How do I heal? How do I let the past no longer control my today? How do I get past this pain that never leaves me?"

Also from April 2011....No Longer A Victim And Much More Than A Survivor.  This piece talks about how I saw that by focusing on rehashing the problem over and over was keeping me stuck in it and that by learing how to "go through" the pain - I found freedom from it. An excerpt: Focusing on my pain, seeking sympathy in the guise of "support" kept me stuck and struggling for many many years. I'd been victimized - I was no longer a victim. I had survived - but wanted to live beyond survival. 

This Is Where Well Being Begins is from December 2011 and here I reveal how flabbergasted I was when I realized that this wasn't rocket science - not easy - but not rocket science either. A few words from this piece: Its about learning how to make the past make sense in our today and that begins with learning to recognize when my today was about my past.

And from October 2011 Trauma is Trauma and Healing is Healing  This essay reveals that I discovered it wasn't my specific trauma that was the problem but that I did not know how to heal myself from any trauma experience. An excerpt: It was when I was able to understand that there was indeed a normal human emotional healing process that was applicable to every single one of my trauma experiences. And while I understood that I would not be who I might have been had I not been traumatized, violated, manipulated, oppressed and abused...

Do you have a favorite post from the past? 

Find it and drop the link in the comments below; I'll use those to make another post of your personal favorites in a "blast from the past"! 

Always grateful we can share the journey!

Susan:) 

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The Beginning Of The End

That deep sense of sadness that won't go away? I learned to look inside for my answers by allowing the memories to come instead of staying busy or using things, money, shopping, internet, coffee, food, alcohol, depression and even extreme dissociation....to avoid them.

This was where the journey began; by being willing to go through the feelings I'd not felt for so long. By being willing to feel 

the anger and the grief for the life I lost to the trauma and abuse.

This was the beginning of the end of the living nightmare where the things that had happened to me haunted me for a lifetime. This was "going through" in order to "get out of" that dark place.

I thought it would last forever. But in allowing it is when it finally ended and the nightmares? Finally just became memories. Not pleasant memories but memories I could now deal with. I successfully reclaimed my today's from those who took my yesterdays.

I thought I would die when I first opened this pandoras box but instead...this was when I began to live.

This - is the "hard work".

Hang in there; I know it hurts and I'm so sorry you have suffered yet - I am so glad you are finding your way. 

In gratitude that we can share the journey.

Susan:) 

You may also be interested in....

It's All About Avoidance on Blog Talk Radio

And here is a collection of posts from the archives on how I came to understand what it was to "do the hard work".

This post is about how I used creativity to "work through" those dark places. 



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The Keepers Of The Secrets

The thing about abuse is that it shows up in our lives in many ways. From an overwhelming sense of powerlessness over our own lives to a need to know everything all the time about everything and everyone; the loss of control from early life trauma always shows up sooner or later in our health. 

From irritability and anger, being "mad at the world" where we are lashing out at others, engaging in self harming behaviors or just shutting down through depression or dissociation...it always shows up and manifests itself in our today in one way or another. 

Often triggered by current life events this sense of overwhelm can take its toll on us physically, emotionally and psychologically as we attempt to make sense of things that make no sense.

Today a share from someone who found their way to freedom from this pain of the past. 

by Marissa Joilette

“My mother had requested I never write about my past until she died. It’s the only thing she regrets: the abuse she bestowed on me. Yet in staying quiet to protect her, I was suppressing the healing that needed to happen. In not sharing her legacy, I was trapped, and unable to break free. I was still putting HER image of NICE before MY healing. Early last year I knew I had to find the courage to change this… It would mean cutting all ties with my family, as they all “supported” her… EVEN in her abusing me.

My family kept telling me I hadn’t been physically abused. Those that witnessed it said it was all my fault or there was nothing they did. I felt betrayed, and alone. None of my family wrote or called to ask how I was, or how they could support me. I was judged and given superficial suppression to avoid facing any of the truth. In exposing the abuse (that they were deny) I was left feeling I should be dirty, ashamed, and wrong. Like I was wrong for feeling angry and upset. Like I was the betrayor. They told me to have more grace, be more peaceful, be loving… They treated me like I was insane and didn’t know what I was talking about.

Something within kept me alight – this burning bright knowing that I wasn’t wrong, that this situation was horrendous, and the memories were valid. I knew that if I felt and faced all the memories I would come ALIVE! I would heal by embracing and integrating, that I would shine BRIGHT and beautiful if I honoured the pain… So I let go the fight to keep the peace, and let things unravel. I began to question what this smell of burning I had all the time, was it a ghost? I googled it. Signs that traumatic head injury was healing – normally happens 10-15 years AFTER injury. Physical validation. I knew I wasn’t mad.

To break through, I had to kill off the unhealthy, negating, repressing mother out of my life… no longer hide in shame… and begin taking actions that lead into goodness, love, and deliciousness. If ever I enjoyed those things my mother would scorn and say: “Do you have to?” She shared that my joy in love felt like rubbing salt into her wounds. I realised that to be truly happy the gift I had to give myself is to find a family whom I BELONG to. A family that see me, get me, love me, and relish in who I am and all I have to offer. And to become, for myself, the mother I never had.

It feels good to not be in secret or feel ashamed. It feels good to fully meet myself so that I can also fully meet YOU! It feels great to write and share… and rejoice in the agonising healing, and crushing arising… ♥ More to gift thee… ♥ As I free myself, I devote myself to Thee… ♥” Natalie Lamb

###

Visit the Empowering Solutions Facebook Community page here if you are looking for direction in your journey to heal from abuse/trauma issues.

Visit the archives for more on how I learned to recognize this generational passing of crippling life dysfunction here and over here a search for articles on how I learned to make peace with the past. 

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Good Day/Bad Day

Along the way I discovered that the idea of a "bad" day....wasn't so helpful or supportive of the life I wanted for myself soooo..............

To start having "good days"? 

I had to learn to consciously choose to shift my mind from "crap. Another day."...

To..."Damn! Another amazing day!".

Key words:

conscious = aware on purpose

choose = making the decision to be conscious of the day I was creating for myself and taking action to shift my mindset from one perspective (life sucks) to another (life rocks!). On purpose.

Simples steps for real change. :)

Did I succeed all the time every day?

Not at first.

In the beginning I had more "off" days than "on" days but again ...

By choosing to return to the idea of what I wanted in time I found I had created a life that I wanted.

True story:)

This really isn't the rocket science I'd thought it was.

It came down to choice...

First learning that I had a choice then....

Making the choice to choose.

Yup.

It really is that simple although....

Its not always that easy.

This again....

Is the "hard work" of learning to no longer be that perpetual victim of life but to become the creator of my best life.

I'm right there with you....:)

You can do this....

The hardest part was the first time I tried to make this mindshift from...

"WTF"

to

"What a life!".

Some tips?

Write this on a sticky note, note cards....put them in your books, stick it to your mirror...make a ring tone for your phone...journal in your notebook each morning....

repeat out loud many times each day....

My life is amazing! 

Then engage with the process by purposing to think it, do it, say it and fake it till you make it....

And trust that the process will work for you too.

Heres the kicker....

We can choose to engage - or not.

And by making no choice - we've chosen.

This is not a passive process.

By choosing to engage you are choosing to create change that can, over time, change your life. 

You are amazing:)

We begin by beginning here; right where we are.

You're a rock star and I'm thrilled to be your groupee:)

Always, always!

Susan:)



Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 

www.myempoweringsolutions.com

One Step

Remember....success is often just one step beyond giving up.

You've got this thing:)



Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 

I Can Do It MYSELF!

You know those who are telling you you can't? blow em away and do it anyway:) 

luv ya! 

~zeb&dot:) 

To get more tiny tweets to support your travels...follow the zebdot here: www.twitter.com/zebraspolkadots

Find the Empowering Solutions Community page here. 


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There is no one to blame

A sobering thought I was contemplating....

Trauma/drama and dysfunction does not discriminate. There are no particular demographics. This is not a "boy" thing or a "girl" thing. Its not a thing where there is fault or blame although until a generation learns to change the way they view and engage with life we will pass this way of surviving/experiencing life to our children. It is by ending the desire to "blame" that perhaps we will end the perpetuating of the pain. Men blame women. Women blame men. Children blame parents. Parents blame children. When we all stop blaming and start doing our own work to heal our own pain  is perhaps when we will have healed enough to have healed the world. 

In others words...

Be the change.


When we stop blaming and start making others responsible for the things they do and say, establishing healthy boundaries and begin  communicating how their actions affected us instead of shaming and blaming them for how awful our life is today...


That, my friends....

Was a hard change to make.

I wanted revenge.

Justice.

I wanted to make them suffer the way they made me suffer.

The only thing with that?

Is that made me like them.

I know. 

It sucks.

Its hard.

It hurts.

And...

We are more powerful than we know....

The first step to tapping that power is letting go of believing we are still powerless. 

Letting go of the blame?

Meant I'd have no one to blame.

Get it?

To say it another way....

When I let go of the idea that something was "wrong" with me....

I had to  look at "ok then - well why am I so f*****d up?"

Of course!

Its my parents/husband/wife/kids/job/boss/therapist/the mailman, the milkman....I got fired, I was mugged, I was....

When there was no one to blame for why I was in such pain...

I had to go through the pain.

I could no longer avoid it. 

When I had no one else to blame...

I had to also become responsible.

What?

No - not responsible for what others have done that hurt me.

Responsible to learn how to deal with that hurt in a new way.

Learning how to let go of the childlike way of blame and hoping someone would rescue me, pay attention to me, understand me....

It became a truth that set me free...

Learning how to be responsible for myself to go through the pain instead of hanging onto it. 

(Deep breath here...)

I had to learn how to let go of the past...

that I could enjoy my today

and create my tomorrow. 



And the miracle?

Was that in learning to heal myself and "be the change" I wanted to see in the world?

I began to see things change in the world around me. 

Hard work; I get that and I'm feelin' it.

I'm right there with ya. 

You can do this. 

Be-come the creator of your own "best life". 

It is never too late. 

Always,

Susan:) 


Here are some other posts from the archives that talk a bit more about the how behind finding my healing and making it ok to let go of the past in order to begin creating my future. 

Fighting Forgiveness - the how behind finding the path to forgiveness and my new understanding that forgiveness was about me - not them. 

No Longer a Victim and Much More than a Survivor - an excerpt: This is the place where I give responsibility to those who let me down...and take responsibility for becoming the creator of my own "best" life.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men an excerpt: And this was the place where I began to understand that as we begin to become the change we want to see in the world - that the world will begin to change.

It Wasn't Me. An excerpt: I was able to understand the difference between understanding that my past life experiences were the reason my life was f***ed up and...using my past as a reason why it is still f***ed up.

"story"? Or "Story"?  An excerpt: It was in shifting my Story to be about me, my anger at being violated, my power and my choice taken from me, to feel both the anger and the grief, to tell why this was important to me that I was able to move myself into, through and out of the healing process and give meaning to the backstory by telling MY story.


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I can and I will!

For those of you who are new to A Journey .... the focus on this blog is to share the journey about how I once was a victim and the path I've take where I have learned how to no longer be that perpetual victim by learning to see myself as much more than a survivor and as the creator of the "best life" that I wanted for myself. 

Like a lot of people who seek help for their well being, life issues and relationship struggles....

I felt powerless to do anything about the miserable lot in life I'd been handed. 

I was stuck in my victim-ness.

I wallowed in it.

I reminded anyone

and everyone

who would listen

just how much of a victim of life I was with all of my complaining and commiserating about the struggle life was for me.


To become the creator of my best life I had to be willing to learn how to no longer be a victim of life. 

And along the way I've discovered many others who feel the same or similar.

"Life sucks."

But they don't know how to crawl out of that hole.

So today - a few steps you can take to take back your power and engage with becoming the creator of your own "best life"....where I began to learn how to live beyond that perpetual place of pain and misery....

Note: "perpetual"meaning that I was perpetuaing this helplessness and hopelessness by the way I had learned to engage with and view my life and my world....I was unwittingly "creating" the life I was experiencing...)

1. Step one and an empowering solution was to learn to differentiate between those two places of "being"a Victim of life and be-coming the Creator of my best life.

Today ask yourself "why am I unhappy?" and then ask "what can I do about it?"

The answer to those questions always directed me to my next step because as a child victim I WAS powerless.   But as an adult creator I am NO LONGER powerless.

That "knowing" - that I am no longer powerless and no longer have to be a victim - allowed me to move to the next step which is action.

     2. If I, as an adult creator, don't know what to "do" my task then is to learn "how" in order that I have the knowledge to "what" to do. 

That - is what Empowering Solutions is about.

The daily notes and tiny bites and bits of knowledge that became the power behind the truth that set me free...

That I WAS a victim

I am and NO LONGER have to be a victim

and I can LEARN how to create my own unlimited life.

It takes time and it begins with being willing to let go of the idea that "I can't" with the first lesson being learning to make that mind shift to "I can and I will....just watch me!"

Love seeing your light:)

Susan

PS...Join Amy Eden and myself this Sunday morning for Sunday Solutions - we'll be chatting about how we learned to recognize why we were the ones with "kick me" taped to our backside. Learning to no longer be that perpetual victim....on Blog Talk Radio - get the archived version or listen live September 23rd by clicking here.

I'm glad you are here...thanks for reading - please considering sharing:) 


 

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"I can't take it anymore" - Overwhelm as a normal response to overwhelming life experiences

"Overwhelm" is a common place for those who hail from backgrounds of drama/trauma/dysfunction.

Why? Because we are defective?

No.

Because we were often required to live life in survival mode where we rarely got reprieve from balancing learning and growing with staying out of harms way (be that emotional, psychological or physical harm). 

We also did not learn valuable life skills like prioritizing, choosing, organizing, boundary setting, self care and so on.

But today we are talking about that place of overwhelm...


That place where we want to stand up....

Stomp our foot...

And scream from the top of our lungs...

I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!

AAARRRRGGGGGG!

Or...

Maybe instead of lashing out...

We try to escape.

We run away.

We avoid.

We say one thing....

Why yes! I'd be delighted to help you paint your house, pack it up and move you across town!  

Yet do another....

That was yesterday? OMG! I completely forgot! 

Or maybe we'll get "sick"...or "hurt"

I am so sorry....I woke up with a sore throat/was up all night with my son/daughter/cat/dog...vomiting omg...I feel so sick, my foot is broken, I twisted my ankle chasing the damned cat....

Or maybe we'll pick a fight...

You said you would ____________. You are such a jerk/bitch/a****le. Well hell no - I'm not going to help you move. 

Or maybe we just....go away and fall into a place of depression and despondency...

Hoping no one finds us but ...wanting someone to rescue us, to pay attention to us....to take care of us. 

The point is....


A feeling of overwhelm is a normal response for those of us who have not had the life experiences that would allow us to know how to balance life on lifes terms. 

AND....

We can learn the coping and life skills that will enable us to feel empowered.


We can choose to change how we view ourselves....and the world around us.

We can learn to live as the creator of our "best life"...

That we can live our own "Un-limited life".

Where to begin? 

Right here.

Right now.

We begin by taking this off "auto pilot" and...

1. Acknowledge where we are right now - and that we don't have to stay there

Recognize and acknowledge that people, places, things and life circumstances are not causing our feeling of overwhelm but - that our inner resources are exhausted. 


Acknowledge and come to an understanding that the coping and life skills we learned in the trauma/drama/dysfunction were insuffiencient to allow us to not feel overwhelmed. 

Acknowledge that to create this change will take time and by knowing where I'm at....is the first step to getting where I want to be. 

2. Accept this as a normal response for our life experiences and that we can learn to live beyond it. 

Practice accepting that we are not defective but - that we are complete and full of an inner wisdom that once we begin to tap into it and become the creator of our life rather than a perpetual victim of life. 


Learning to view overwhelm not as  disorder or character defect -  but a normal human response to life circumstances that have overwhelmed our ability to cope is where I found the power to create this change. 

3. Awareness that this will take time. 

Grasp that there is no magic bullet, no one can fix this for us - but when we begin to see ourselves as capable...we will also begin to see how to create this change for ourselves

Focusing not on what we see as impossible but - each day rehearsing what we want for ourselves and the infinite possibilities that await us

Understand that it takes time to create change - that it is only in our childlike pain of never "being enough" that keeps us stuck in the magical thinking that we "should" be "better" "by now. Awareness and acknowledgement that we are human, that this is a normal thing to struggle with and that by taking action today I can have the tomorrow I want. 

Understanding that the expectations of others are often way below or way above where are at any given moment. Learning to become aware of how others expectations affect us can enable us to let go of the idea that we have to be anything other than who we are. That we ARE "enough".

4. Knowing that engaged action will take us from where we are to where we want to be

We can spend years...decades...a lifetime....wishing, wanting and talking about what we want - but never achieving the kind of change that can change our life. It is often when we stop talking about it that we finally do something about it.

Taking one action each day will get us to where we want to be tomorrow. Creating a plan on purpose is the beginning of shifting our wishes, dreams and desires from "some day..." to today. 

Not knowing where to start...makes it tough to start. Begin the day with remembering to live in awareness of the feeling of overwhelm as well as some new coping strategies.

A few tips to get you started on learning to live beyond overwhelm...

• Step back, don't say "yes" right away, always wait 3 days before making a commitment to a new idea or project, 
• Get honest with yourself. If you don't want to do something - make it ok to admit that instead of blaming someone else for your overwhelm. 
• Practice saying "no" in little ways to develop the confidence to say "no" to bigger issues. Saying "no. I'd like that table over there" at a restaurant is sort of a pre-requisite for being able to say "No. I'd rather see this movie" to an intimate relationship. 
• Recognize when you are falling into avoidance by picking a fight, "forgetting", getting "sick" or hurt in order to find an excuse to say "no". There is no shame and much power in choosing to live in conscious awareness of the subtle intent behind our actions. 
• Own up - when you catch yourself using old coping strategies like picking a fight and blaming others for your overwhelm.....first - admit it to yourself then apologize to the people involved."I was feeling really overwhelmed about coming over yesterday to help you paint and I took it out on you instead of telling you how I was feeling and that I really just wanted to stay home. I'd like to apologize for blasting you." (NOTE: This does NOT mean we have to stay around if the person involved starts chastising or shaming us instead of accepting our apology. It is ALWAYS ok to excuse ourselves from situations that feel bad)

Understanding that our current method of dealing with overwhelm are learned behaviors (responses to stress) AND that as such...

We can learn how to do it differently.

Now...

Go forth and rock your world:)

Show em what you've got....

Let a little light in....

And you'll light someone else's life a little:)

Always here,

Susan

This link is where you'll find some related posts on learning to let life unfold...naturally. Click here to go there. :) 

PS....

The "how" behind the journey is a learning process. Join us at the Facebook Community page here for the daily notes and get on the list here for upcoming events and news. 

PPSS...thanks for reading and please consider sharing:) 



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