Doggy Doo and Boundaries

Meet my girl, Brindle!

Learning about personal boundaries was a huge thing for me, having come from a background where the mantra "whats yours is mine" prevailed.

So I'm always on the lookout for ways to talk about how to recognize and learn to establish clear boundaries. Today's post gives a good example of how when we don't have clear boundaries, we may feel as though something is being done "to" us and the "knee jerk" reactions we can get into.

First - a quick review about what I've come to understand "boundaries" are.

Boundaries are about what I will allow INto my personal space as well as what I choose to share from my personal space.

In other words - it's about what is good for me, not what I'm going to "let" others do or "make" others do.

In simple terms - I accept that others can be and do what they choose - and my job is to decide if I want this person's behaviors in my personal space or not. My job is NOT to try to bully, manipulate or convince others to be or do things differently in order to make me feel ok.

This is where mutual respect and caring comes into play vs the power and control dance we often get into when we feel as though we have to "fight" for everything to get our needs met in our relationships.

On to today's story about boundaries...

I live in a downtown loft apartment where much effort and expense has been put into providing a lush, landscaped, green environment. This is not a luxury building by any means; but it's a pleasant environment filled with greenery.

Over the past year, new tenants have moved in, bringing along their dogs - and their need to utilize the "outhouse" :) .

So - what happens is the landlord/management company starts to let folks have dogs. But - they don't draft up any pet guidelines for protecting the property from the four footed angels from leaving their acidic marks on the property grounds that result in brown spots as the grass dies.

This is an example of VERY loose "boundaries". So the result is that other tenants start complaining about the waste left behind from these 4 footed friends.

Then owners of the pets start receiving not so nice notes from the Office Manager about taking their dogs across the street to the provided "potty" area that is not landscaped - but fails to provide any consequences for ignoring this new boundary.

The person in charge of maintaining the grounds starts to grumble and complain as they are left trying to maintain the landscaping that is starting to look as though it's a checkerboard, the unsightly brown spots starting to eat up the lush lawn that was there before....

And eventually every dog is looked at as "The Problem" and the "Solution" is to again ban the dogs from the building. (this has not happened although could be the "knee jerk" reaction if the problem doesn't resolve itself)

And this - is a very good example of "loose" boundaries and how when we don't establish clear boundaries of what we will allow IN our personal space (in this case the grounds of this apartment building) we can get into that frame of mind where the solution is to exert control to force a correction that meets our needs.

So - had the Property Manager established some clear guidelines or boundaries about what was acceptable use of the grounds to pet owners, along with some respectful and appropriate consequences and consistent enforcement of them....the little doggies could live in peace with everyone else in the building while those who chose to disregard the established boundaries may have eventually found themselves looking for a new home when they consistently broke the established limits.

See the recent post "12 Things...Part 3" to read about boundaries and other ideas that can support you in your own journey to wellness!

Q: Have you struggled with boundaries in some way? Do you have your own example to share about how you learned to establish boundaries or perhaps a question?

How do I love thee...

Boundaries

Boy; this was a concept I knew nothing about coming from a superhypermagnifiedhorrendouslydysfunctionalabusive family. 

In fact, if I was going to draw you a picture of myself from back then - my "boundaries" were non existant. In an attempt to conceptualize this try thinking of goo. Slimy, slick, greasy glimy green goo. Goo that would become whatever you wanted it to be - presto! I could become what ever and who ever my environment needed me to be. "Chameleon" doesnt even begin to touch just how "fluid" I was to my environment. (song: "bend me shape me anyway you want me...who sang that??)

But then I begin this wonderful, magnificient journey of healing. I begin to realize that it wasnt "all my fault", that I'm brilliant v. stupid, that I have talents and gifts to offer the world. I begin to "define" myself - who I am, what I like and dont like. What my tolerance level is for unacceptable behavior in others. (Another story another day: why he hits, why she stays and what happens to the children) OOPs; got sidetracked....*blush*

So instead of being the worlds "doormat" and living life as that perpetual victim of circumstances I begin to take care of myself; I say no to things that in the past I might have done because I thought I "should" or "had to". I began to live a life of choice fueled by my own understanding of what I could do. I began to set boundaries.

At first (especially in my family) this hasnt gone over so great (a HUGE understatement). As it turns out - folks who are accustomed to having their way with you dont often appreciate the empowerment you feel when you are able to say NO.

The flip side of this enlightment is that I began to realize just how I had violated the boundaries others had set for themselves. OUCH!

HOW DO I LOVE THEE....

What I realized is that when I respect the boundary someone has set for themselves - I am showing them that I value them as an individual; that I value my relationship with them.

When others respect the boundaries that I set for myself they are demonstrating their love and respect for me.

Bottom line: when we set and respect boundaries we are respecting anothers - and our own - right to determine that they are capable of running their own life, making their own decisions, calling their own shots.

When boundaries are ignored (ok for some it may be more like they were shot down), or questioned (tell me again WHY you did that?), ridiculed (boy that was stupid) or any number of other violations - what we are in effect saying LOUD AND CLEAR is that "you cannot manage your own life and if you would just do what I say you would be ok, that wouldnt have happened etc etc etc. YOU ARE INCAPABLE.

But - when boundaries are respected and supported what we are saying is I TRUST YOU TO MAKE THE BEST DECISIONS FOR YOU. You are capable.

Boundaries. Not just a line in the sand but the defining magic of self.

How has establishing clear boundaries in your life affected your self esteem and/or healing journey? What are some boundaries you have chose to set that you had not had in the past? How did friends and family react?

12 Things to support you in your journey - Part 2

"Confidence"

Photo Credit

Welcome to Part 2 of "12 things"...and of course - Blogger and I have not figured out what the issue is with the formatting....:) *sigh* :)

You can catch Part 1 of "12 things" here....

1. 5. Know and use your resources. This was where I started branching out and developing relationships and resources outside of those I'd become dependent on, where I could learn to "walk" before I tried to "run" independently of the "therapeutic" relationships I had come to rely on in my journey through (and out of:)) the current model of the mental health system.
2. 6. Compartmentalize your life. One skill that I was lacking in the beginning was the ability to compartmentalize my life and relationships. Everyone knew everything about me – because I wanted everyone’s opinion about what I should do next; I lacked "confidence" and had a desperate need for external direction and validation. This one goes along with #4 – I first learned how to and then started dealing with my own issues and not looking to others to “make me feel better” and instead learned to develop intimate relationships where I would practice being vulnerable and trusting others who would validate my experiences rather than trying to “fix” me or my life and recognizing the difference layers of relationships from “acquaintance” to “intimate”.
3. 7. Boundaries. Huge issue. Huge. This one will take some time to delve into – but a good place to start is paying attention to “whats mine” and “whats yours”. A quick look at what boundaries are and are not. Personal boundaries have nothing to do with influencing what others do...and everything about what I will allow into my world or share of myself with the world. One of my biggest frustrations in trying to learn how to establish and enforce personal boundaries was when they were discussed in the context of "what you will allow others to do". I found it more helpful to define boundaries as "what I will choose to reveal about myself" and "what I will allow in to my world, my personal space". This empowered me to let go of thinking I had to try to control what others did and said - and allowed me to learn to say "this is ok or not ok" and choose if I would continue this relationship or if the behaviors of another had become "intolerable". If this is a problem for you you might want to look at my post "I didn't know that I didn't know (I had been abused). Awareness is the place to start with this one and takes us to…
4. 8. Awareness. Learning to pay attention to my own thoughts, emotions and physical body - and dig down to the beliefs that fueled the entire symphony of "me". Another biggie that is way more deserving of a massive amount of space. Also – something to begin to be “aware” of:) You can listen to the Blog Talk Radio program from Heal My PTSd about "awareness" as an empowering solution here.

Thanks for reading along this week...this series will finish up this coming Monday as we look at the final 4 points in my list of suggestions to support and empower you in your own personal journey...

And if you haven't already...I'd like to invite you to register for email or RSS feed to be notified when there is new content published.

Q: Which of the tips today did you find most helpful?

Learning to "share" meant "no boundaries"

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Along the idea of "boundaries" from this post "Doggy Doo and Boundaries" and this post"12 Things...Part 3" I thought I'd talk about the idea behind being taught to "share" when I really didn't want to...

Relationships are about "sharing", right?

Sharing, supporting, empathizing and caring.

Relationships are a place where each person shares their life as they choose to share, without fearing recrimination, shame or judgment.

A place where "I don't want to talk about that" is respected instead of viewed as some sort of holdout. A safe haven where the walls can come down instead of walking on eggshells out of fear of repercussion for choosing to not "share" something.

That "soft place" to fall at the end of a trying day where we can trust, relax and let our guard down.

A "two way street" where each person can share their joys, their trials, their hopes, their dreams - and trust that they will be honored and respected.

The thing I've learned is that in the toxic environment that I grew up in and the relationships were modeled for me, this kind of sharing was more like being interrogated where others would ask and inquire about my life or insist on explanations of why I had done “X” when they thought I should have done “Y”.

In other words, my thoughts, feelings and choices were not honored and respected; they were doubted and directed by those who "knew what was best for me" and I carried this way of interacting with others into my adult life – effectively repeating and recreating the abuse and dysfunction in my adult life and relationships.

Q: Have you noticed "loose" or "unclear" boundaries in your life?

"No Boundaries" meant "Don't Rock the Boat"

Photo Credit

Continuing with taking a look at "Boundaries" from "Learning to "share" meant "no boundaries"...

And while the intentions are always good I think (If you would just do _______then you would be ok/solve that problem etc) the result was that this kind of relationship that insisted on telling me what and how to do things, how to think, feel.

These were the relationships where my life choices and decisions were constantly in question and what I found was very much related to the lack of confidence and told me that I was not capable of finding my own answers or living my own life without someone else's validation.

This in turn fed that deeply ingrained and often unconscious belief that I was helpless to make my own decisions and hopeless that I could ever be or do my life "good enough".

These were also the relationships that I found myself feeling as though something was out of place - but I couldn't put my finger on it.

These were also the relationships where I found that I started to build walls to keep questions and inquisitions to a minimum to protect myself from feeling "less than" or "stupid" or subject to someone’s opinion about how if I would just do what they told me that I would then be "ok".

These were also the relationships that cycled through the drama of a relationship built not on trust but of doubt, suspicion, and jealousy.

Very often these were also the relationships that were based on fear as I would avoid "rocking the boat" for as long as I could until at some point we would move past "honeymoon" to "tension" and ultimately to the drama of some sort of a "blow up" that typically came when I was acting of my own volition outside of the influence or control of these persons.

Q: Have you caught yourself trying to not "rock the boat" and "keep the peace" at the expense of your own sense of well being?

When you have come to the edge...

This week I posted I am...NOT powerless. Why? Because for too long I "felt" powerless.

Where did that "feeling" come from?

Well, I suppose it started when I was trained to not speak up for myself as a child. In "normal" healthy families, autonomy is encouraged...even insisted upon. But in a dysfunctional or abusive situation this is typically not the case.

In a healthy environment we are encouraged to speak up when something hurts or feels uncomfortable. We are encouraged to learn to set our own boundaries and to respect the boundaries that others set for themselves. (Click here for a summary of autonomous v. controlling relationships)

In other situations where parenting is viewed more as a "do as I say" situation often with serious consequences if we dare to buck the authority of our parents. Often we are not given the choice to say "no" to hurtful words or actions of those around us. We develop a tolerance for being mistreated that becomes the blueprint for other relationships in our lives.

We may become dependent on first our family to give us an identity and give us "permission" to speak, to think to live life. In some situations we can incur much wrath if we dare to speak up about what we want, believe or think if it is different than what our caretakers believe we should have. Then as we grow we come to depend on external forces and others responses to define who we are and if we are ok.

I remember the day I came to this realization - that I could not exist unless the world around me and those in it "validated" my existence with some sort of acknowledgement that I was "ok" or had done or said the "right" thing.

I was well into my journey of self discovery... (I hesitate to use the word "recovery" for the simple reason that I have not had anything to "recover" as I truly had no sense of self or life situation that I wanted to repeat or regain).....

...I had learned to be mindfully aware of my thoughts and was slowly becoming aware that I had feelings that were influenced by my thinking and thus behaviors Ie choices I made, actions that I chose that were directed by my internal communications system of thoughts and feelings.

In other words I was starting to listen to "me".

What I found was that even in the simplest of circumstances that overwhelming feeling of anxiety and the emotional torment I experienced when around others was fueled not by anything other than the fact that I was looking to any external response that could tell me that I was doing it right....that I was ok to exist in the space that I resided.

I had for years experienced severe anxiety in public. I did whatever I had to do to avoid dealing with people. Having a car was not only transportation for me but it was a form of armour, a shield to hide from the greater world.

But my car had recently "died" and I was forced to either walk or rely on public transportation; a nightmare for me.

On this particular morning I was walking to get somewhere...I became aware that I was feeling anxious, as though I was exposed and naked to the world around me. I kept my eyes down and my shoulders curled up around my neck. I walked on in shame as though I had done something wrong by simply existing.

Yet I was determined to understand why I felt this way, why it was nearly impossible for me to venture outside and be a part of this bigger world.

I stood at the corner, waiting for the light to change so I could cross the street. A car approached and as it came nearer I listened to myself; my thoughts, my feelings.

As this car with a single man inside it approached I felt a small surge of anticipation as I looked not at the light or the crosswalk but I searched out the face of this anonymous person. And I suddenly realized that I was searching to be acknowledged, I was craving that my existence be confirmed by the smile I received as this person drove by.

Yet I also became painfully aware that to not be acknowledged by this stranger would reinforce the misnomer that I was not "enough"; that I had no right to exist.

As I stood there on the corner that warm spring morning, the sun warming the pavement and fueling the rebirth of spring I realized that if I could become aware of this conection between my thoughts and the way I felt - then I could learn to be and be ok.

I - was no longer powerless.

I Had to Get Real About the Holidays That Were Not Often Happy and Some Tips to Deal When You'd Rather Not

Making New Traditions:)

For years I'd tried to figure out how to survive the holidays with my dysfunctional family. In the end I realized that it wasn't about surviving but learning how to live beyond it by creating a new tradition - for myself. 

Holidays are one of those things that I did for years even though they were never not often anything to celebrate. My body would tell me it was that time of year again as my muscles tensed, I would start to shut down and be unable to function. I'd start feeling irritable, lashing out at those around me. Many days I'd not be able to get out of bed as the days on the calendar slipped from summer to fall and finally halloween marked the beginning of the worst time of year for me.

I slipped further and further down as I knew what was waiting for me at our "family" get togethers. Finally I made a choice for myself to not go.

It was hard. But for me the only option as my family refused to respect my new boundaries and continued to shame me, make me the brunt of their jokes and cruelty. They would often tell me that I deserved to feel bad because I was such a worthless person and had not met their expectations, that I was the cause of their anger at me and if I was just somehow "different" - then they wouldn't be mad and would love me.

I was constantly reminded that I was not "enough" and could never be "enough" to win their acceptance and love. I was often reminded throughout the year that I was not good enough for them to want a relationship with me. That I should be grateful they even spoke to me at all.  

So for me - as over the years I noticed this same pattern in my life and my dread for what the world touted as a happy time - I decided to create some new traditions for myself.  I started declining invitations to these family get togethers.

I didn't explain myself to them because that gave them power to again question my decisions and tell me something was wrong with me for not wanting to spend the holidays with them. And in the end they did that anyway - but I no longer felt the obligation to apologize and try to fix it.

This year will be my second year of my new Thanksgiving tradition where I volunteer at a local charity.

And I don't want to leave you with the impression that making this decision for myself came easily - or quickly.

It in fact came at a very high price as I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to be good enough.

That my family would never love me just because I was me.

That they would never celebrate my accomplishments; that I could never share my joy or my sadness with them and know that I would be heard or cared for in this way.

That there would be no Hallmark card moments, no sense of belonging, no laughter, eggnog or picturesque moments around the table or joyful trimming of the Christmas tree the day after.

Making this decision took time as I moved myself from the magical thinking of childhood to the harsh reality of my life with my family. This was moving from where I could somehow make it better if I was "better" - or just different -to the reality that while my family may not recognize their behavior as abusive – they are still responsible for their behavior. I had to realize there is nothing I could have ever done in my lifetime that would ever justify this kind of ongoing abuse and there is nothing I can do to make them stop it.

I had to grieve the family I never had...

The family I had always hoped to have and mostly...

I had to let go of the idea that there was anything I could have done or could do in the future to make it any different.

Realty sucks - but not nearly as bad as the reality of what I had lived for a lifetime believing I "had" to spend the holidays with a family that that served me up as the main course. 

So this wasn't an easy thing to do. I still feel angry at the way my family treated me. I still sometimes wonder if I couldn't have somehow worked it out with them. I still feel sad over the realization that there was nothing I could do to "work it out" and that to be a part of their lives meant I had to sacrifice myself, my sense of well being and self worth. 

You are not alone. It is not your fault; you are doing nothing wrong and whatever way YOU decide to handle your dysfunctional family, to go or stay away - its ok. 

Here’s an article with some good tips by Doctor, Author, Coach Lissa Rankin about learning to say “no” and claiming our power to set our own limits.

Heres to making new traditions be it serving others, taking a vacation to a new place, hanging with new friends...:)

In admiration of your courage to keep going when it gets so damned tough.

Susan

Related reading:

How do I love thee... This post is about learning to respect ours and others boundaries - seeing them as the defining line to a valid sense of "self" and healthy, interdependent relationships.

I am now "enough" Learning to see myself as all I needed to be "ok".

This is how we do it....the "hard work" The title speaks for itself:) Its not rocket science either:) Hard work yes. But not rocket science.

Whoops! I did it again!  This post speaks to how I used creativity to connect with myself and heal my own wounds.

Express yourself!  This is another version of my post above (Whoops!) that I did as a guest at Heal My PTSD.

How do we get "there" when here sucks so bad?

By putting one foot in front of the other.

There is ALWAYS a solution:) 


 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

The Relationships that Shaped my Life....and the Life Lessons I've Learned from them

One Path of Many Photo by Susan July 23, 2010

Today’s post stems from much thought being given to the idea that in the original abuse, I felt obligated to include those who in the past abused me or treated me as "less than" in my new life. This journey is a process and one that includes the relationships that that shaped my life and the lessons I've learned from them.

"Those who could not stand by me at my worst 

can not know me at my best." 

These words came to me as I contemplated the idea that I do not have to, am not required to invite those into my life that in the past abused me.  I was an adult - and yet still felt very much like a child when it came to being around my siblings and in the past, my parents and many of the social and intimate relationships that I'd had. 

And I suddenly realized the hidden resentment that was showing up in my resistance to attend those family get togethers was another one of theses "have to's" or "shoulds" and I felt like I was doing something wrong by not going...or just not wanting to go.

Family get togethers for me was where the pattern was to laugh and get along while we were all at the table but as soon as someone left...they became the next course; their lives, thoughts, appearance, children, choices being served up one by one and passed around the table filled with siblings, children and grandchildren learning the fine art of carving up their relatives and friends. Dissecting their very being while justifying the hateful comments and patronizing treatment seemed to serve a purpose to bring value to themselves and justify their own lives and their behavior. 

And this is not to put down or criticize any one person or make light of this kind of abuse; its just the way it is in my family. Is and always has been and when I share this I am including myself in this kind of drama; we were raised in this and this was and is my families “normal” and it took me a long time to understand that this was not normal; that not all families engage in this kind of demeaning and disturbing assassination of one anothers character.

For many years I tried to figure out how to be "good enough" or do life "right enough" that I would finally win their approval, even joining in on this family tradition of demeaning others in order to find value in myself. 

I tried over and over to "figure out" what was "wrong" with me in order to change it so I would finally be accepted, loved, comforted when I was in pain, my accomplishments celebrated....to the point of despair. 

I fell into trying to reshape myself into being "good enough" as I sought approval and no matter what I did, no matter how "perfect" I was in keeping house, presenting well groomed children to the world, the right job, the new car, the new house, the right haircut, the right mall, credit card, bank account, attending church two and three times a week…

Each time I thought I'd finally arrived; that I was finally "good enough" or had done something "right enough" - there was always something else about me that was still not "enough". 

No matter what the current issue was, the underlying expectation was that I was not to have my own thoughts, feelings, opinions and my choices were all being measured against some yardstick that was never the same day to day and based on someone else’s need for me to be different in order for them to be ok.

To save myself I had to step away.

I had to create a space and a life where I could begin to experience something different in order to see and understand that this dynamic in my family was my normal but it was not at all "normal". 

I began to learn about dysfunctional relationships so I could recognize them and my role in them and thus how to step out of this role instead of expecting others to be different or change that I might be ok.

I began to understand when I was using the language of what I call "perpetual victimhood" where I felt helpless and hopeless over my life so I could recognize when and how to reclaim and take back my life by changing what I believed about myself and others.

And I began to let go of the anger and resentment that served to keep me bound and I began to see those who had not been able to stand by me in my own struggles and had even directly abused me -  through the lens of compassion...

which in turn has allowed me to see myself and others with more compassion. 

In doing this I also learned that the smoldering anger that could be fanned into a flame was really that place where I learned to grieve that which was and release the hope of what could be in order to live in what was…

and the truth that would set me free. 

And I practice setting boundaries and being assertive, I've learned to listen to my body and trust my feelings to be my guide.

I’ve learned to recognize the thoughts and words that can take me down that road of despair and how to pull my focus into the moment that I might live free of the pain of the past…

I've recognized that my serenity does not depend on how others treat me but in how I allow others behavior to affect me...

my thoughts, my feelings, my moods, my choices.

And now instead of trying, wishing and hoping to be "good enough" or do things “right enough” to be accepted and honored by those who are still on their own journey, I am able to accept them where they are and have clear boundaries of what I allow into my personal space and thoughts...

instead of trying to shape how they treat me by shaping myself to be "good enough" or "right enough".

I now shape myself to be who I want to be and share my life, my dreams, my pain, my hope, my thoughts, feelings, joys and doubts with those whom I know accept me, without question

as I am. 

Possibly related reading...

Abuse Disguised

Anger and Acceptance

To Thine Own Self Be True

Seeking and Living Our Own Truth

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Anger and Acceptance

Sunset

8/6/10

Anger and Acceptance is a big deal in the healing journey.

At some point I was able to piece together that my initial anger or irritation at others and circumstances - past or present - was connected to that sense of powerlessness that had ruled my life for such a long time. 

This served a couple of purposes....

In focusing on what others "should" do or "should" have done I had a sense of power over the behaviors of others as I judged them and their actions and often got lost in "story" and being that perpetual victim as my focus was on the power others seemed to have over my life. This kind of rumination was like pouring salt in a wound and reliving the injury or offense over and over.

And - focusing on what I thought others should or should not have done or be doing....successfully kept my feelings at bay and allowed me to avoid shifting from that "fight or flight" response of stress or conflict to the more vulnerable state of feeling the feelings behind my personal boundaries being violated and the "Story"  that would enable me to find healing.

It took some practice but eventually I was able to recognize that my anger was not a bad thing thing, needing to be managed. But that this feeling was the starting place for recognizing the difference between accepting what I truly had no power over - what others do, think or say - as well as the things that I DID have power over - my own thoughts, feelings and choices  today.


And slowly I made that shift from rumination to resolution of past injuries and learned to no longer tolerate the intolerable and embrace the power within that would allow me to create the change that would change my life.

Related Posts...

Fighting Forgiveness

I Held the Key to my Freedom


 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!
~

Why do I feel so powerless? The difference between "acceptance" and "tolerance"

I used to think that I had to "accept" or "tolerate" bad behavior and being abused and mistreated by others because I could not change them - so I had to change myself in the hope that they would treat me better….

If I was ______ or did _______ or said _______ or had ________ or looked _____

THEN they would love, appreciate, see me as worthy and valuable to be loved. 

Then maybe they would _______________. 

Right? 

Wrong. 

Acceptance of "what is" does NOT mean accepting or tolerating being mistreated.  

In fact when I lived like this - I felt overwhelmed and overcome with feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness. 

This is where I was doing the "dance" of dysfunction as I tried to figure out the steps…

What could I do to make things better? 

How could I be different so they would love me, so they would stop being hurtful to me?

This is where I also lived in chronic "depression" and would "zone out".

When I started realizing "depression" and zoning out aka "dissociation" were not a "disease" but a natural response to not knowing how to own my power to change my life?

That is when my life started to change. 

Change can be painful

Change can be painful but not as painful as staying in situations where I was not happy about the way others treated me and knowing there was nothing I could do to change them or the way they treated me.

Acceptance is peace not tolerance

Acceptance means living in peace with what is vs trying to control or change others or circumstances to change outcomes.

Acceptance does NOT mean tolerating things that are intolerable. 

This -  is where we feel helpless and powerless. 

That is where we lose hope.

I found my hope when I found my power. 

Acceptance - yes.

Tolerance - no.

We can make a plan and learn how to change our lives when circumstances are such that we can't change them.

In the meantime…

When we know that we can create the change that can change our life and allow us to live in that place of peace….

We can learn and practice living in acceptance of what is until we can achieve what could be. 

Q: What is it in your life that feels overwhelming and intolerable that you have been "accepting" and leaves you feeling hopeless and helpless?

What would life look like for you if you were to change this? 

What do you need to learn to create this change?

Life skills? 

How to set and maintain healthy boundaries?

What the difference is between healthy and unhealthy dependence and relationships? 

Coping strategies for difficult moments?

Do you want to go to school so you can have the career that would enable you to create this new life? 

Once we identify the "problem" we then identify potential solutions and start acting on those ideas vs staying stuck in telling the story of the problem over and over and over. 

The idea of taking that journey can feel scary yet - it is in facing our fear that we find our courage. 


You're a rock star.

True story. :) 

Until next time,

Susan

Resources

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Follow the Empowering Solutions community page here for daily tips on learning to live beyond the drama and trauma of our past…

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