Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I Held the Key to My Freedom...

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This healing journey is truly a journey; there is no "event" where we can stand at the threshold of our new life and say "I have arrived". It is a process, step by step, moment by moment of developing the conscious awareness and insight that sets us free and creates the change that changes our lives....

There came a day when I realized I was reacting to my life as if I was still the helpless child at the mercy of those who tormented me. It was in this day I realized I held the power to take my life back from my abusers by refusing to let what they did keep me prisoner in my mind any longer. 


It was in realizing that today's distress was caused by the meaning and story I told myself in my mind and that I held the key to open the door to freedom that had always been there...and only I could unlock. 


In the beginning, I'd have to unlock that door many times as it would slowly close again when I wasn't looking. But in time, I came to realize that when my today life was not working it typically was because I had let yesterdays life overtake me again. 


Bit by bit, one step at a time, day by day and with practice, I've learned to recognize when that door is slowly creaking shut on me again. The "tell" is often a sense of doom, depression or dissociation that overtakes me - or a feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness as I become frozen and incapable of moving forward...


Sometimes the "tell" is that my physical life has gradually gotten out of control again, I feel overwhelmed with the simplest of life tasks. Or I become needy and am seeking comfort or to be taken care of by others as though I was still that child in need of a safe place...


In these times I've learned to acknowledge my fears and phantoms, feel and express the anger....


I hate you because __________________.


And shed the tears, feel and honor the justified anger at being violated and embrace the sadness and grief at the loss of the life I never had and will never know...


It is in recognizing that I am no longer a victim and I am much more than a survivor where I begin to see myself as an adult full of hope and knowing that I hold the power to create this change that changes my life...

time and time again

~




 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth


~

8 comments:

Mystic_Mom said...

Wow...this is an amazing post! It resonated with me on so many levels, especially the 'tells' and the ways they impact us when we aren't paying attention to what they are doing.

Thank you for the insightful post! Many bright blessings...

Susan said...

You are quite welcome Mystic Mom! I'm glad this post resonated with you....learning to pay attention to the "tells"....when I was reverting back to my old coping mechanisms! Knowing how to do this with awareness took away that fear of the unknown and finally put ME in charge of my healing journey!

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!

Darlene Ouimet said...

Hi Susan,
I like how you describe the "tell". There are days when I really do think that I have arrived... but usually even those thought are warnnings or "tells". I know that I have come to a point that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will NEVER go back to the depressions etc. that I had for so long though. I know I have come that far, but as for the journey, I am staying the path! It is far too exciting for me to think about being done!
Great post!
Hugs, Darlene

Susan said...

Hi Darlene! I really can relate to your comment...I think the thing about this journey that was most helpful in this process was understanding that finding this freedom did not mean life would suddenly be perfect, but that I now had the life skills to be able to "go with the flow" rather than drowning when life got bumpy. Thanks for dropping by....and me too! Each day is better than the one before...so why would I want to be "done"?!

From Tracie said...

I love this! I really spent the last year learning to recognize my own "tells" and it really does make a difference.

Susan said...

Hi Tracie...isn't it something how we can become our best teachers when we catch on to the idea that we can learn from ourselves?!

Thanks for your note! Im happy to hear that you've also discovered your own "tells"!

dylanb said...

My son told me today..."I am defective and I am so angry at my psychiatrist for telling me I had capabilities...I am angry, I feel hate, I have tried so hard and for so long, but now I know..I am defective". Thus, I found your blog. My son has spent 10 years trying and re=trying..he's soon to be 30. He is in the midst of another round of despair. Thanks for your posts..they give me thoughts to share with him.

Susan said...

dylanb - I am so sorry that your son is in such despair...I know from experience what that is like-and that there is hope where there once was none. Welcome to A journey....and thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I wish you and your son the very best and do hope you'll stay in touch:)