"Remorse" is feeling guilty for something I've done or said.
"Shame" on the other hand is feeling guilty for who I am, that I even exist.
Remorse is that thing that indicates that we understand how the things we have said or done have adversely affected someone else's life; remorse leads to a healthy society where we are considerate of others yet are able to separate ourselves from others (being "individual" in an "interdependent" society)
For example - I would feel "remorse" if my behavior of texting while driving resulted in injury to someone else in some way. (Is your car a "No Phone Zone"?)
I would feel bad and then have the motivation to change this behavior.
But "shame" is a whole different thing.
"Shame" would have me prostate on the floor begging for forgiveness or lashing out at others, defending myself and trying laying blame on someone or something else, searching out that I am still "ok" from someone else....
"He.....should have.....did this.....said that.....not my fault....I didn't mean to...."
I would be experiencing the overwhelming emotional and cognitive distress that comes with living in
Where my value is defined by people places and things outside of myself.
Where I am apologizing for my very existence and feeling completely hopeless and helpless to feel any different and can easily find myself engaging in self harm behaviors or escaping in avoidance behaviors like addiction or dissociation as I cannot tolerate this innate sense of
comes from a core belief that I am somehow defective, bad, wrong...that I in myself hold no value, can do nothing "right enough" or "good enough" and
unable to see myself as separate from others requiring validation that I am "ok" because I do not have that sense of intrinsic value that I am inherently "good" enough
reinforces this for many who seem to be "stuck" in their pain and unable to move forward, to get beyond it as the lens to the world is colored with words like
"disorder" and "disease"
"not good enough"
and fuels hopelessness and dependence in finding value in being defined by others and that someone, somewhere will be able to "fix" me and "make me" feel
if I can just do what others tell me I need to "do"