Sunday, March 7, 2010

Boy...I'm glad I found my marbles!



I have been in a somber place for awhile now.

Thoughtful. Meditative.

Moving from one thing to another. Flitting and unfocused. Moving forward each day but not making progress really. Dealing but am I coping?

And I'd have to say no, I think I could do better.

In Peter Pan, who was it that said "I've lost my marbles"?

Well, I've not lost but I think I've misplaced my joy; the daily pleasures that keep me free to live my best life each day.

I realized that today as I started to put order to my kitchen after a couple of weeks of "busy" that snuck up on me.

I had noticed that mail was piling up, I was avoiding doing dishes when they needed to be done, I'd stopped making my bed...little things that in and of themselves don't mean much more than perhaps I was feeling rushed at some point, but when I started noticing and adding up that more than one part of my life was beginning to feel chaotic again I have to ask myself "what's up with that"...

So today I just stopped. I looked around and began to sort the mail. I tossed the junk and put the bills in the bills file. I loaded the dishwasher. I cleared off the bar over my sink of photo's and other keepsakes that had found a home there.

And I began to cry.

As the release of tears began to free me from the stress I had been experiencing, I realized that in the busy-ness of day to day living that once again I had neglected the most important part of this thing called "life"; I had ignored me.

I had become so "busy" that I had neglected the things that make life worth living. Time to play ball with my dog or practice "roll over". I had been missing the joy that I find in how her ears perk up and her tail wags at the word "ball".

I was missing the joy of waking to a new day and found myself going through the motions of living, but was I "living"?

Neglecting to take care of things as they come up like mail, dishes, laundry...was akin to to setting myself up to feel stressed and overwhelmed. A sense of out-of-controllness that makes me begin to feel helpless and frozen.

My focus once again became that of "surviving" the chaos, just getting through the day...instead of living in that place of confidence, of knowing that all is well and the peace that comes from that sense of knowing that I am in control of my life and no longer at the mercy of others whims as it was in my past.

I played ball with my dog and laughed as she looked between her legs as the ball rolled underneath her belly...

I finished the dishes, cleared the clutter from the bar and turned on some soothing music, took a deep cleansing breath and smiled at how quickly I was able to get beyond the chaos and return to me.

Whew.

I'm glad I found my marbles :)


Photo credit to: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/112/316864255_9340804834.jpg

9 comments:

Mike Hinsley said...

Susan:

I see the same patterns in myself and go through similar emotional cyclces.

claire said...

Glad you did find your marbles, Susan.

Susan said...

Mike; it's true isn't it? We have to go through to get out of the cycle of trauma. Sure wish it was just something that I could just be done with, once and for all :)

Susan said...

Claire; thank you for stopping by and yes, thank you - I have put my marbles back in my marble bag where they belong :)

Never Fairy said...

The marbles thing isn't actually from Peter Pan - it's from the seriously flawed movie Hook

For a much better sequel to Peter Pan check out the novel based on Barrie's own idea for more adventure! Click here to see.

BELIEVE!

Kyla said...

Wow. very powerful post, because seriously I've found myself getting this exact same way, lately..

Susan said...

Never Fairy..thank you for that clarification! I have seen the movie Hook...and I'm sure that's where I got it! I think I've seen the original movie too but it's been some time. Thanks for sharing the link!

Susan said...

Kyla...I so get what you are saying...it's easy for us to get so focused on "doing" our healing that we can lose sight of the reason for doing this....and that is to enjoy life more (for most of us anyway:) ).

Hoping you have reclaimed some joy for yourself today!

Kyla said...

This is true- :)
I have been finding joy in thing's, still have a long path in healing but it's been actually really exciting and, it's great to have people such as yourself,- who can be of some inspiration and share your own knowledge/thought's etc on this in particular, it's great to know we are all in this together even if we have different experiences, we all know what it is like to deal with PTSD <3