'You may not yet be able to bring your unconscious mind activity into awareness as thoughts, but it will always be reflected in the body as an emotion, and of this you can become aware." --Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment Page 22
As I sat in the office of this new therapist, I wondered just what the hell I had gotten myself into. I wasn't sure about this person. She seemed a bit "new agey" and that didn't mesh well with the ideals of the religion I had submitted to for 10 years where pretty much anyone who didn't walk, talk, think, breath and do the way the leaders of the church did were to be shunned and said to be of the devil himself.
But I had left religion - not faith mind you, but RELIGION ie a faith based on "doing" over the spiritual connection that I found in simply being and accepting myself as I was without judgement - I had left that 15 years ago. Imagine that. After 15 years the brainwashing and judgement still crept into and affected my ability to have a mind and opinions of my own.
I don't recall the exact conversations of those first few months as I was still struggling with memory recall after being on potent psychotropic medications these past 15 years so while I was free of the religious conditioning I was still under the affect of the drugs I had been prescribed. Thankfully, over time my ability to remember, recall and attend, the psychosis and paranoia faded as my body and brain returned to their natural drug free state.
What I do recall of this day and conversation that was actually several weeks and perhaps a couple of months into this new therapy relationship was her saying "So just try being aware of those thoughts" as I told her how my head was spinning and I couldn't even leave my apartment to do laundry without a complete meltdown.
And this is where my journey turned down a new bend as I practiced with mindful awareness and began to learn how to listen to and trust my own thoughts, emotions/feelings and connect to my body and to my "self" after a lifetime of being defined by others.
So today...just try being aware of those thoughts. Without judgement or ridicule of yourself or anyone else. Just for a moment....listen
to you...
and just
be.
4 comments:
It is important to listin to yourself <3 that inner voice-
Yes; it sounds "easy" enough but sometimes in the beginning of the new part of my journey is was a hard thing to accomplish as I learned to "over ride" the noise in my head. Awareness is a skill that didn't sit well with my avoidence/ptsd issues :)
I really connected to this post Susan. I think one of the first steps in healing is actually listening to yourself and paying attention to what is going on. We survived abusive childhoods by doing the opposite - ignoring ourselves and trying to seem 'normal'. To heal, we have to reverse that. Great reminder, thanks.
Yes, I agree, Ellen. I was so attuned to ignoring and avoiding anything of "me" since to do anything else was guaranteed to result in some sort of pain.
And you are right on I think; this is the first step we take in learning to heal ...to learn to hear, see and feel our "self".
Good to see you, Ellen! I'm glad you stopped by!
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