From the Archives: All is Well

Sometimes I find it helpful to go back to the archives and dig around.

Today I came up with this gem that reminds me that peace and well being is not about reaching that state of ascension :) but about reaching that place of acceptance.

The power lies in understanding that my solutions lie within myself...


From the archives December 31 2009: All Is Well

Well, here we are. Another year, another decade.

Today I suppose I'm feeling mixed; a bit thoughtful as I look at just how far I've come in this journey. A bit scared as I look at what lies before me.

One thing I have learned in this journey is that when I am feeling scared or lonely, depressed or wildly excited --- that there is that place where peace and serenity resides...that place is the "now".

This morning I was feeling so wound up. My mind was racing with all of the to-do's on my to-do list that had not been done, the goals that have not yet been written, the plans not yet lain out neatly for me to follow as I transition from one year to the next. In other words, I was feeling quite out of control of things. Frazzled, anxious, panicked.

So I took a deep breath. I jumped on the treadmill (uh - yea. It's cold here in Iowa today so no long outdoor treks for this girl yet). And I let it all go.

I burned off the high physical energy that pumped up that sense of feeling overwhelmed. I took some deep breaths and focussed on the one thing I can control or affect - my now.

Slowly my thoughts began to settle, the butterflies in the pit of my stomach started to calm. The tightness in my shoulders began to lessen and I realized once again that the power is not within the ruminating of the past or the fear I face at my future. The peace comes from letting go of those things I cannot change (the past) or control (the future) but knowing that if I take life one moment at a time, all will be well.

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Choosing to Trust Life

let life unfold naturally...

The first time I heard this I had absolutely no idea what it meant.

"Let life unfold naturally"...yeah, right.

But as I committed myself to this new path of a life of insight and awareness - living life consciously - it began to make sense.

I began to notice just how much I had to control things - people and circumstances - in order to feel safe and validated.

I started noticing how often I tried to influence others lives and choices.

I became more aware of how easily I could become irritable when someone or something interfered with a carefully laid out plan that didn't go exactly the way I intended.

So, with gentle awareness of the many ways I was attempting to influence and orchestrate people and circumstances, I was able to begin to let go a little here...

and a little there...

And I also became aware of and was pleasantly surprised at how much less stressed I felt when I was able to relinquish control of situations and circumstances that were not mine to influence to begin with.

I realized...that I was learning to trust life, trust myself and to "let life unfold naturally".

When the Student is ready, the Teacher will come

Mondays; argggg, I hate Mondays...

You can see the post I wrote a few months ago about Monday's here.

So what's this got to do with anything?

Well....it's Monday. :)

And for me it's back to basics day.

As I've been meandering around, meeting and greeting others and carrying on the discussion about healing from past trauma there's been something in the back of my mind. Couldn't put my finger on it before but I think I've found what I was looking for.

In the beginning this blog was based on a conversation that Michele (Heal My PTSD) and I were having on her blog post dated January 2009 titled How to Tap your Inner Hero. Our conversation was on the "how" behind learning to live in the moment and leave the past behind...

In This Moment is a post I wrote last year on that "lightbulb" moment when I realized that I could change my life...simply by changing my mind.

Giving Up is Not an Option is another earlier post on how I arrived at this insight and the awareness that living in the past held a price...

In the end, this journey is all about how we choose to spend our moments. The hard part is finding the path that will take us there.

The problem that I see and have seen over this journey of mine is not that we are an incapable population - in fact, quite the opposite - as survivors of trauma who have chosen to do the hard work of healing and finding our way out of that dark place, we are the most resourceful persons on the face of this earth I believe.

The problem in my mind is that we have been taught to focus on "doing" in this journey rather than learning how to "be" in our own time and space and to "be" ok. Unwittingly, we have been guided down a path that has taught us to avoid our pain in various ways rather than learn to embrace it and go through the process of emotional healing.

I spent years losing my "now" to attempting to "figure out" how to "do" whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing to "get better". I had the "diagnosis" - "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" - but the focus was never on learning how to go through the natural grief process to reclaim or find that part of me that was buried deep within the emotional distress and deep seated belief of helplessness to change my circumstances.

The focus was on "doing" to the exclusion of "being".

And this is where I find myself today. Returning to the original purpose of this blog. Finding a way to share the path I have taken to pull myself out of the mire of the past and beginning to live "in the moment". That only one true thing that exists; the "now".

Because that is where I have found the peace lies. Learning to live in "now" and how to "let go" of those thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are no longer bringing me a peaceful "now".

So today I decided to pay attention to the unrest I have been feeling instead of trying to avoid it or cover it up with more "busy work" or creating my own "daytime drama" as often happens when I get lost ruminating over solving problems that are not mine to begin with. I decide to get back to the basics of living in my now and trusting that by doing so, I am laying the foundation for my best life tomorrow.

And while it is easy for me to engage in the many life issues that come up each day - especially those surrounding the issues we face in our healing journey's, I find myself returning to Micheles orginial question to me from that post How to Tap Your Inner Hero....how did I learn to live in the moment?

And still, nearly a full year later, the best answer that I have found to this question is that living in the moment is a simple concept although not always an easy one to apply.

It is not about "doing", although "doing" is a part of this process as we put one foot in front of the other and learn to walk in this new way. At the same time it is learning about "being". It is the path we are each on that will provide us our own answers in our own time.

In other words...as long as we are searching, inquisitive and open...we will be ready to receive answers that will guide us down our chosen path where we can all create a live our best life each day.

And it started with simply becoming aware of the "story" behind the language I was using like telling myself that I loved Monday's. That Monday's were the best day of the week...that Monday's were a new start for another opportunity to create the life of my choosing. Another 1,400 minutes and opportunities to turn things around, to change my life and step back on my new path - the now.

And then as I became aware of those opportunities to change my story and language at the same time I changed that "backstory" in my mind of how "Monday"s sucked".

This is that place where I was the student that was ready - and willing to take the action - and my teacher always came.

Every time since.

And every time still.

Photo credit is here.

Boy...I'm glad I found my marbles!

I have been in a somber place for awhile now.

Thoughtful. Meditative.

Moving from one thing to another. Flitting and unfocused. Moving forward each day but not making progress really. Dealing but am I coping?

And I'd have to say no, I think I could do better.

In Peter Pan, who was it that said "I've lost my marbles"?

Well, I've not lost but I think I've misplaced my joy; the daily pleasures that keep me free to live my best life each day.

I realized that today as I started to put order to my kitchen after a couple of weeks of "busy" that snuck up on me.

I had noticed that mail was piling up, I was avoiding doing dishes when they needed to be done, I'd stopped making my bed...little things that in and of themselves don't mean much more than perhaps I was feeling rushed at some point, but when I started noticing and adding up that more than one part of my life was beginning to feel chaotic again I have to ask myself "what's up with that"...

So today I just stopped. I looked around and began to sort the mail. I tossed the junk and put the bills in the bills file. I loaded the dishwasher. I cleared off the bar over my sink of photo's and other keepsakes that had found a home there.

And I began to cry.

As the release of tears began to free me from the stress I had been experiencing, I realized that in the busy-ness of day to day living that once again I had neglected the most important part of this thing called "life"; I had ignored me.

I had become so "busy" that I had neglected the things that make life worth living. Time to play ball with my dog or practice "roll over". I had been missing the joy that I find in how her ears perk up and her tail wags at the word "ball".

I was missing the joy of waking to a new day and found myself going through the motions of living, but was I "living"?

Neglecting to take care of things as they come up like mail, dishes, laundry...was akin to to setting myself up to feel stressed and overwhelmed. A sense of out-of-controllness that makes me begin to feel helpless and frozen.

My focus once again became that of "surviving" the chaos, just getting through the day...instead of living in that place of confidence, of knowing that all is well and the peace that comes from that sense of knowing that I am in control of my life and no longer at the mercy of others whims as it was in my past.

I played ball with my dog and laughed as she looked between her legs as the ball rolled underneath her belly...

I finished the dishes, cleared the clutter from the bar and turned on some soothing music, took a deep cleansing breath and smiled at how quickly I was able to get beyond the chaos and return to me.

Whew.

I'm glad I found my marbles :)

Photo credit to: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/112/316864255_9340804834.jpg

The Keys to the Magic Kingdom

The keys to the magic kingdom.

Thats what I thought I was looking for all those years that I struggled with "managing" the symptoms of post trauma stress like the unexpected anger or feelings of rage, the depression and mania as I swung from one extreme on the range of emotions to the other. There was no middle for me; it was all or nothing.

The social angst that I experienced if I left the safe cocoon of the little world I had created in my head and my home became incapacitating. The most basic of human interactions became unbearable. The nightmares required medication to sleep but did not provide relief or peace, only a chronic state of lethargy.

The noise in my head was at times unbearable to the point of not wanting to die but not knowing how to live beyond this. Dissociation once again became my saving grace and my best friend as I floated through life day after day, year after year.

Emotional swings became my common ground as I fluctuated from the depths of depression to the highs of rage or overexcitement. Guilt and shame permeated my being for not being able to control my behavior as I swung from one extreme to another.

The hyper-vigilance was "paranoia" and what others might have termed irrational fears or psychosis was the reality I lived in every day as I battled a war long ago over yet still raging in my head although forgotten and buried amidst the chaos of my mind.

I existed solely to orchestrate and control my life and my environment in a vain attempt to avoid further emotional or cognitive distress that would surely come if I didn't. My life was consumed with getting away from the past - at the expense of my future.

I didn't know what was "wrong" with me - yet ultimately what I discovered was there was nothing wrong with me at all but that I was experiencing a normal human reaction to "trauma".

I simply did not have enough information to make the choice to move beyond being a perpetual victim or to get past living in "survival" mode where symptoms are managed instead of the freedom to create the life of my choosing outside of the nightmare of "mental illness" aka PTS.

The keys to the magic kingdom.

Do not exist.

What I found is that the solution to healing from the past is first, not easy. In making this decision to begin to face my past, to grieve what was my truth...well, I knew there would be times that it was going to feel like a dark and lonely road.

I accepted that no one else could walk this part of my journey for me. That I would face the demons of the past one by one, standing my ground as I determined to come out of this battle a whole person no longer fragmented or tormented.

Second, this journey is not a "quick fix". There is no pill, no book, no therapist or doctor that could "fix" me. I spent years depending on others to provide me with the answers, believing that if we could tweak my prescriptions a bit here and a tad there that in time I would be "better". That if I could only get my therapist to "understand" then he/she would be able to provide me with the magic map that would lead me out of this dark place.

Yet by becoming dependent on things, circumstances and people (regardless of the certificate on the wall) outside of myself to provide me with my answers and offer my life direction and purpose, that I was forfeiting my own power and sacrificing my own potential in the quest to have someone or find some answer outside of myself that I knew would be "the answer".

As I depleted all other resources about me - my family, there were no friends to speak of as I could not tolerate the most common of social interactions, doctors, therapists, the emergency admissions to the psychiatric ward of the hospital that would give me only respite for a moment - but no relief - ...I came to the conclusion that I was down to one thing; one resource. Me.

I accepted that there was no-one that could put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

There was no pill that would make the nightmares and the noise in my head stop.

There was...me.

And I determined as I looked back on my journey to this place where I now stood and accepted that I was my resource. I was my solution.

I stopped fighting.

I stopped resisting.

I started learning how to walk this walk and knew deep within myself that I was going to make it. I didn't know how exactly but I knew there was more to life that what I had been living.

Within my own self, I slowly walked up to the edge of the mountain, tears running down my face. I spread my arms as I stepped to the edge and knew deep within my being that there would either be something there for me to stand on - or I would learn how to fly.

And I haven't looked back.

Thank you for dropping by and reading a bit of my story and the steps I took to begin to reclaim my life. Read more about me here and what this blog is about here.

Next post: Like the little engine that could...finding self empowered healing through the awareness that I could choose to change my thoughts and how this was the beginning of changing my life.

Photo credit/source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rammorrison/481677631/

One step forward...wait.....no thats two steps forward??

and two steps back it seems sometimes. Or is it two steps forward and one step back? either way this week I did move forward but it was a bumpy ride.

Last week was my first day on this new job - and after being in "hyper vigilance" mode the weeks before as I prepared my brain and body completely shut down. I could not think, my body felt weak to the point of just getting off the couch required superhuman effort it seems.

So I accepted that I needed to rest and in a couple of days I had some energy - my brain was working again and I dove into the follow up of my program - and the hard drive in my new-to-me 1 year old laptop - crashed.

Who'da thought? So I deal with that and set up my old slower-than-molasses pc and try again over the weekend and my internet server goes down. Phone calls. More phone calls. "So sorry - we will get someone out to look at it Monday".

So - the old way of coping goes something like "OMG I AM GOING TO FAIL AT THIS. HOW CAN I DO MY JOB? I JUST PUT OUT $X IN THIS NEW SYSTEM AND LOOK AT IT....OMG HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS? THIS COMPANY PAID ME TO DO A JOB AND I CANT EVEN SEND OUT AN EMAIL..." Get the picture?

Now mind you - in the past, this was the only way I knew to cope I.E. not cope and blame circumstances and people outside of me for why I was failing.

So I had a moment. Ok; I had a FEW moments. I felt stressed. I felt agitated. I paced. I felt isolated and insignificant. And then I decided that I could do this anyway. And with this decision I took one step...then another.

I wrote my follow up email to my corporate group in a word document on my atiquidated pc. Then I let it go and went about doing other things and got a good nights rest.

Monday morning. Still no internet.

I made plans to head out to the coffee shop and hope my old laptop would 1. boot up and 2. not freeze up.

Then - as I'm talking to someone about which new external hard drive to buy I look at my modem and - whila! I have service!

So I quickly re entered my contacts into gmail (remember, my computer crashed right after my last group so they werent accessable to me here) did a quick cut and paste and sent it off.

I pulled up my powerpoint and started doing my revisions (as long as only 1 program is running I am guarenteed my old pc will SLOWLY get the job done). I saved my files. Printed to the printer that works with the pc and then copied in color on the new-and-improved-wireless printer that works with the laptop that does not work.....

And I was done and ready for work yesterday morning.

What's the point here?

The point is that my old coping patterns still come up when the stress level goes up - but - that with understanding of what was happening inside my head (overgeneralization, catastrophizing, black and white thinking etc...) and that I am no longer that little child victim, helpless to affect change or protect myself - I was able to pull myself out of what could have (in the past) been another excuse to stay in my hole and live life as that perpetual victim of circumstance.

So here we go - cheers to me for making lemonade when life gave me lemons :)

Free fall...

Free fallin'.

I posted John Mayers version of this Tom Petty classic yesterday here.

This is one of those songs that I think of as an example of what its like to go through this process of healing from the past and letting go of that pain that seems to otherwise dwell in the deepest and darkest places of my being. Those experiences that made me who I am today. The hurt, the shame, the fear, the guilt that formed who I was and how I had lived my life.

But when I made the decision to get beyond all of that and to" step off to the unknown"...I truly believed that "one of two things would happen"....

And after awhile there was sometimes something there for me to stand on as I learned to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs that held me in that prison in my own mind.

But at first...as I learned to believe in myself, trust myself and learn to surround myself with those who would encourage and uplift me --- to let go of the relationships that needed me to be dependant or "ill", those who told me how no matter what it was, it just wasn't good enough...it was more about learning to trust myself. It was about learning that I no longer had to be consumed by the demons that haunted me from my past, or the fear that enveloped me about my future. It was "stepping off into the unknown"...and trusting that I would learn how to fly if I could just....let go.

I believe I can fly...!
Originally uploaded by rAmmoRRison

"Good enough", "doing it right" and my jammies

Tonight I realized just how far I've come.

For the longest time - like my entire life I suppose - I have lived under that shadow, that remnant of my childhood where no matter what I did or said it wasn't "right". There was always some criticizm or abuse that would come of it. A slap alongside the head, "boxing" of my ears, "dumcoft" (one of three words my father taught me in german; my "heritage"). "Shut up", "brat" and "idiot" was the norm in our house (you notice I didnt say "home").

There was probably just as much or more abuse from my older siblings as there was from my parents so the math would be 2 parents + 5 older siblings. In general some ridicule of my very existence every day regardless of the wistful wishes of being heard, hugged or loved in any not sexual or physical hurtful way.

This affected me my entire life to the point that no matter what I did or said even in the privacy of my own home as an adult ---years and decades after "getting away" from the battelground that was my childhood ---I could not be "ok" with just about any choice or decision that I made. I had become completely frozen. Afraid to speak. Afraid to take a step. I reached a point in my family that I would start to shake out of terror that one of the "wicked stepsisters" (half sisters) or my father would begin to question me which would always lead to some ridicule and eventually more verbal, emotional and psychological abuse if I even attempted to exert any kind of control or choice over my own life.

Tonight it was my PJ's. As I was pulling my old stretched out grey t shirt over my head and my bright blue stretchy comfy pant on with my old navy blue nike zip up sweatshirt with a hood along with my wool socks that have holes in them....

The thought went through my mind of how in the past I would have:

1. felt shame for not having "nice" or "real" pajamas, matching robe and slippers (god only knows what "nice" was because no matter how much I paid for it it was never "nice" enough) AND not going to bed with bright white teeth, picture perfect hair and the makeup that never seemed to wash off

And/or:

2. if anyone would knock on my door unexpectedly like a neighbor asking to borrow that famed cup of sugar from the Ozzie and Harriet type tv shows ---I would either hurriedly try to freshen myself up enough all the while apologizing for my drab not new at all sweats and tshirt (like they even give a rip?)

But tonight I realized that while those thoughts and feelings still lurk in the back of my mind as does the potential for that related anxiety...that I was ok with my frumpy not pretty pj's. Finally I dont feel as though I need to apologize for walking into a room or calling you on the phone --- or for the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the life I live.

Finally I can acknowledge the confusing feelings I've had as I vacillate back and forth between that love/hate feelings I have about my family. Finally I can put responsiblity on the adults in my life that hurt and neglected me instead of making excuses for them and their behavior. Finally I can let go and say that I wasn't bad, it wasn't my fault, I can't fix it. Finally I understand and accept that my thoughts, feelings, choices...my existance...are and always have been just fine... and so are my jammies tonight.

Word of the day: PROGRESS

progress

Function: verb [no object]

Inflected forms:
progresses; progressed; progressing

Meanings:
1 : to move forward in time
Example:
progressed. [=went on]>

2 : to improve or develop over a period of time
Examples:
progressing slowly.>
progressing and should be completed soon.>

3 always followed by an adverb or preposition, formal : to move forward or toward a place
Example:
progressed slowly across the desert.>

Too often in the journey to healing - or life in general - I think we focus on what we have not yet accomplished or the hard work we have put in yet still are not where we want to be.

Yet if we slow down for a minute and put things in a different perspective we can find the hope that keeps us moving foward.

How often have you felt "down in the dumps"?

Yeah - me too.

And when you're there in the dumps, what are some of the thoughts that run through your head? Does the focus of your thoughts seem to be everything that you don't have? Is it the missed opportunities or broken relaitonships? What about money? Do you go to the store focussed on all the bling that you want but dont have? And the car - as you drive down the street in your car that needs tons of work just to keep it on the road do you look at those who drive the latest and greatest?

Yeah - me too.

Focussing on the things you don't have or the hard work of healing or just living life in general can zap your energy and mood faster that anything. BUT - the secret is that you don't have to stay "down in the dumps" or "depressed".

And - the solution isnt going to cost you anything. It's completely free!

Here it is...drum roll please.....:)

Try looking at your journey as though you are moving TOWARD something instead of trying to GET AWAY from somthing.

So try it. Now. What is it that you think is keeping you where you are?

Are you making progress and moving TOWARD your goals?

Progress - somedays its those baby steps and some days it comes in giant leaps of sudden insight and awareness. But it is ALWAYS moving TO something v. trying to GET AWAY from something.

Interesting.

Try it. Good things are guaranteed!

#thatisall

This is the "hard work"

In this journey, sometimes the pain is huge. Somedays are better than others. Some nights are longer than others. What I have found is good though - by feeling this pain instead of avoiding it - "it" no longer consumes my life.

I don't have to analyze it or understand it. It is. It hurts inside. I sob and shake. I let it roll over me but no longer do I have to say that it doesnt matter. What I was given as a child and adolescent that I didnt need was not right. The life I got as a result of this and coping skills that I didnt get have made my life a game of trying to "figure out" where I stand in this world.

But I cant change it and trying to avoid "it" and what "it" gave me in life has served only to steal many todays as I lived in the pain of my past. Dissociation, depression, drugs, alcohol or any number of the other "addictions" that I used to shut it all out - avoiding "it" did not make "it" go away.

But then this is the "hard work" - the facing of "it" and what I got from "it" and how "it" affected my life and life choices - to face it and feel the pain doesnt make "it" go away; but it does help me to find some freedom in today as I try to put this all to rest and become who I choose to be today.

So, while this is one of those moments where the pain is such that I would rather shut down I know that if I choose instead to face it - to feel the feelings - it will no longer own me. It's "hugeness" becomes managable, I dont have to "go away" to get away from it.

Baby steps...

It's Wednesday already this week - but the good news is that I am not waiting until the last minute to get my work done this week. ahhh...progress!

I was visiting Ellen over at her blog Shy and blue today. Her post on "Layabout" got me thinking about my own journey...

Baby steps as a friend of my son's says. "But no!" is what I hear the voice in my head yelling at me - "I want it and I want it now!"

But - alas. That is not how I have found that it works for me.

The journey that I have been on is one that has its bumps and turns in the road. There are bright days, dark days, days filled with thunder and lightening. There are hills and valleys....and some days I just plain run out of gas.

I have often thought what a wonderful thing - if anyone deserved a "miracle" healing - or to win the jackpot lotto - wouldnt it be me? After all - I have been through the darkest of times and not given up; I have perserveered; the powers that be should shine down on me and heal my mind, my body and my soul from the things from my past that have "broken" me. Right? No.

The journey of healing takes time; I learn as I go which side of the road to travel on, which potholes to avoid, where the gas stations are. I have a map, a plan to get where I am going - but there are no shortcuts. Damn.

So I keep taking those baby steps. I keep believing that I have all that I need. I keep trusting and hoping. I keep searching for the answers that may have eluded me in the past.

It takes time to calm those demons of the past - those lessons that I learned that make me feel "less than", "bad" or "inadequate". It takes practice...each time those wicked voices chase me like the evil witch from hansel and gretal I become more aware of it and with practice I learn to recognize it easier and sooner.

And I keep taking baby steps; each day. One foot in front of the other. Each day is a new day and like the storms of nature the storms that pass through in this journey no longer cause me to hide and be "frozen". Little by little I learn. Little by little I grow and change. And in time - those nasty voices from the past I have found, affect me less and less as I recognize them and leave them on the side of the road.

She dreamed a dream - Susan Boyle

On Britain's "You've got Talent" Susan Boyle knocked 'em dead! Watch the video on youtube.

Here is a knock down example of living in the moment for sure!

Susan Boyle boldly stood up to Simon and said "I want to be a professional singer". The audience laughed...then listened.

Susan Boyle has led a quiet, sheltered life in a small village in Britain. She has not dated, never been kissed and spent the last several years caring for her elderly mother who recently passed away. She reported on this mornings cbs news that she is accustomed to be ridiculed and teased even now as an adult and that folks are "nice to her" now. Her appearance is unkempt, her hair wiry and unruly. Susan is 48 years old and when asked how she managed to do this and sing the (difficult) song she chose she said " I thought about the song".

Under circumstances that would have left me shaking in my boots and wishing there was a bathroom nearby, Susan Boyle chose to focus on the song rather than focus on the pain of losing her mother, the voices of the naysayers who criticized her, or the fears of her future. Susan Doyle magnificently knew that to experience this very moment at hand that she needed to place her attention on her present moment.


Go to CBS.com to watch the interview from this morning.

The economics of "now"

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. Annie Dillard

This quote is a wonderful expression of the idea of living in the moment! It causes me to stop and think about how I am spending my moments...my life. As in the study of economics, each of us has the limited resource of TIME and the unlimited choices of how we SPEND our resource of time...

Banking my moments...:-)

Practice Practice!

In my journeys around the world of blogging I recently stopped by to visit Anja Merret's post on Missing this very moment - here is the comment I left behind:

"Anja; what a terrific question! It took me a good bit of effort to find the awareness that you speak of - seeing that this moment is a good place and being able to discern the past and future from it. I have found that it takes practice to make that decision to stay in the moment...our thoughts come and go at the speed of lightening but I believe it is possible to learn to be aware that I am following the past or running into the future and stay right where I want to be - in this present moment...."

The question has come up on just how do we begin to "live in the moment"...and while I am not a Buddest monk that has studied for decades the massive subject of enlightenment nor am I a Rhodes scholar with a doctorate in anything other than life.

What I am though is someone who has "been there and done that" in searching for my own answers to my own life dilemma's, including getting over the bump in the road when it comes to worrying about the mysteries the future holds or ruminating over the mistakes I made in the past - whether it was half an hour ago or a decade left in the dust.

And here's the secret: it takes awareness.

Like Anja shares in her post - awareness that my thoughts are again out of control and running to the past or the future at the speed of light - hither and yon at the speed of sound, spinning my brain like a strawberry milkshake in the blender if I'm not careful :-)

And it takes (here's the hard part - no easy answers, sorry guys) - it takes practice.

Practicing being aware of my thoughts and knowing that I am in the norm of the population whose thoughts wonder from Nova Scotcia to England and back again and then a short jaunt to Austrailia before I land back at the ball game where my physical body happens to be planted on the sidelines and - OOPS! How did that guy get on 2nd base already? (see how that works?) *grin* GOTCHA! It takes practice to catch our minds wondering and then reining them back into the moment :-0

So - these are the grand words that I have to share today on the subject of living in the moment and the path I have taken to conquer living in the land of oz where I was present in body...but not "present".....

So heres the deal: girls do it. boys do it. We all let our minds wonder from here to there and back again - the key is to be aware that we are doing it and then choosing to grab the bull by the horns (so to speak) and recognize when we are off lost in the memories of past failures (or success') or floundering in the fears of the future. With a little practice and being mindfully aware of our thoughts that may be wondering about... we can rein ourselves in and seize today!

I live now and only now, and I will do what I want to do this moment and not what I decided was best for me yesterday. - Hugh Prather

In this moment...

Living in the moment...wow!

Ok. How did I learn to live in the moment was the question posed by a friend recently.

There are tons of things I have learned in this journey of moving from a life of black and white thinking to accepting all the color and experiences that life has to offer...but for this particular subject - (drum roll please!) - the answer begins with awareness.
In my journey I have found that many of the symptoms of PTSD have to do with avoidance. I would attempt to block out any type of stimulation that might trigger the intrusive memories and flashbacks of the life events that were too overwhelming for my mind to cope with.

I developed ways to avoid facing the feelings that went along with the memories. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, work....addiction and obsession in general, irritability, cutting, promiscuity and yes - dissociation. PTSD and C-PTSD survivors labeled as "disordered" and their trauma issues unaddressed may develop a variety of coping mechanisms to avoid dealing with the intrusive memories and nightmares.

In order for me to begin to heal, to live in the moment - I had to be willing to start to let go of my avoidance behaviors and learn to recognize when I was USING avoidence.

This is where things get tricky because once I opened this door - in order to stop avoiding and become aware of this moment, my LIFE - I had to acknowledge the feelings and learn to face what I was trying to avoid.

(Note: this did not mean that I had to repeatedly relive the trauma - but to face the feelings I was avoiding today that ultimately were connected to the trauma's I'd experienced)

Over the years, I had become a pro at my avoidence behaviors to the point that I was losing time, I had difficulty recalling memories and I lived a life of isolation where I could control my environment so therefore I could control what might trigger the flashbacks and nightmares.

Dissociation - was my friend who had saved my psyche from experiencing firsthand the trauma and related feelings that were overwhelming me - had now become maladaptive as it interfered with my ability to distinquish that I was no longer in danger but not ready to deal with the emotion, not ready to face the past. Helpguide.org explains the healing process very well I think:

After a traumatic experience, the mind and the body are in shock. But as you make sense of what happened and process your emotions, you come out of it. With post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), however, you remain in psychological shock. Your memory of what happened and your feelings about it are disconnected. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel your memories and emotions.

I had not "made sense" of what had happened and had developed a method of coping that was still protecting me from danger, even though I was no longer in that situation.

So - in order to begin to "live in the moment", I had to be willing to become aware of the thoughts, behaviors, feelings…that I had been avoiding. This in turn allowed me to develop emotional resilience, courage and strength as I took the baby steps necessary to grow myself up - emotionally.

This is how I "went through" the tough stuff to find my freedom from the pain of the past and learn to live today as the "creator" of my "best life".

Giving up is not an option, there is ALWAYS a solution

What I had learned in that one moment of sudden awareness when I was reading Echkart Tolles book was this: as long as I was focused on and living in the pain of the past in my mind - I was forfeiting my present moment, I was sacrificing all that life held as I suffered internally in the painful memories of the past trauma and the avoidance behavior associated with PTSD.

I resisted experiencing life and shut myself away in a prison of my own making as I avoided more and more of life in an effort to stifle any memory that could trigger those intense emotions of loss, anger and grief at the hand that life had dealt me. Life - the world and the people in it - was to me, completely black and white, good or bad.

This was a big deal for me. After years of therapy I had not gained an understanding that I had the power to change my life. I was convinced that I was defective and broken and there was no cure, no ending to my misery. I had no understanding that my obsessing over the past and my efforts to avoid any triggers that might open the vaults of my memories and stir the pot of misery that I held in my mind was in fact stealing my life, or that there was anything I could do to change this.

The journey and included work has not been easy by any means. In making this decision to learn to live in the present moment, I had to reconcile that I would be opening myself to feeling again. But once I understood this idea - that I had a choice in what I thought about and that these intrusive symptoms could be overcome - I made the decision that I would find my way out of this living hell and take control of my mind and therefore my life.

There is no way for me to communicate this process in a simple outline of steps - there are many overlapping things - ideas, tools, skills - that I have learned and each one builds on the next to provide me with the skills and tools to change my life from one of isolation, avoidance and misery to being open, willing - and in great anticipation - looking forward to experiencing the full range of color that life holds.

So today let me just say this one thing that kept me going all these years: I knew that as long as I kept searching that I would find my answers. I determined that I would find a way out. Giving up - suicide, self harm, addiction, dissociation, depression - was no longer an option as the solutions for the intrusive thoughts and feelings of PTSD. There is always a solution.




If you or someone you know is experiencing troublesome or intrusive thoughts of harm to yourself or someone else please contact your local emergency 911 number or go to your local emergency room and ask for help.

In this moment...

In the blog Parasites of the mind Michele Rosenthal discusses the idea that we can begin to tap our own inner resources and find our own inner hero as we heal from PTSD. For me finding the inner strength to finally say "enough" to living in the past came in a moment of clarity while reading a book by Eckhart Tolle...


In his book A New Earth; Awakening to your lifes purpose Echkart Tolle discusses how this moment is your life. For some reason I found that to be the most amazing idea. All this time I was wanting to find a cure, a fix, that would allow me to move on and "get a life". Yet in one moment of awareness, I understood that I had everything I needed to "fix" myself within myself.

My life had been consumed with trying to avoid the intrusive thoughts and anything that might trigger them. I was mesmerized by the racing thoughts in my head and an internal sense of victimization to such a degree that I had lost sight of the moment...the moments that I had lost because I was "stuck" in time as I relived the trauma situations of my life, thinking about what had happened, imagining things I could have done or said differently to have prevented the situation, the mistakes I had made that had perhaps compounded the situation and left me feeling guilty or responsible for the situation or how others had been affected.

These racing thoughts consumed my attention during the day and intruded into my dreams at night. This state of mind kept me in a constant state of hyper vigilance - just waiting for something to happen, ready to move into the adrenalin rush of the "fight or flight" response of my body and mind.

But in the midst of all that, after years of therapy, medications and self destructive behaviors I had that moment of clarity - that I could change my life simply by changing my mind.

That meant that I had to be willing to learn how to not avoid the memories, but to embrace them, feel the feelings, grieve the loss, acknowledge the anger - I had to realize that I was now in a safe place and in total control of my mind, body and soul. Like Michele says in her blog about constructing a post trauma identity I had to recreate myself; I had the opportunity to choose what kind of person I wanted to be today, what life I wanted to live in this moment.

As a result, I have been able to gradually, in my own time and my own way, move from the black and white thinking of a victim to being able to allow the idea that maybe life is not "all good" or "all bad"...and let some color in. Eventually I was finally able to see that life was full of color like that found in a swatch of colorful plaid fabric.

I hope you are able to find the path that will allow you to live life in full color too.

Seize the moment!