USA Today: Hundreds of soldiers with PTSD given diagnosis of "personality disorder"

I am speechless at the way our warriors are treated.

Excerpt from USA Today: Hundreds of Soldiers with PTSD incorrectly dismissed

Unlike PTSD, which the Army regards as a treatable mental disability caused by the acute stresses of war, the military designation of a personality disorder can have devastating consequences for soldiers.

Defined as a "deeply ingrained maladaptive pattern of behavior," a personality disorder is considered a "pre-existing condition" that relieves the military of its duty to pay for the person's health care or combat-related disability pay.

According to figures provided by the Army, the service discharged about a 1,000 soldiers a year from 2005 to 2007 for having a personality disorder.

But after an article in The Nation magazine exposed the practice, the Defense Department changed its policy and began requiring a top-level review of each case to ensure post-traumatic stress or a brain injury wasn't the underlying cause.

After that, the annual number of personality disorder cases dropped by 75%. Only 260 soldiers were discharged on those grounds in 2009.

At the same time, the number of post-traumatic stress disorder cases has soared. By 2008, more than 14,000 soldiers had been diagnosed with PTSD — twice as many as two years before.

The article continues with one soldiers story...

Luther was seven months into his deployment as a reconnaissance scout in Iraq's violent Sunni Triangle in 2007 when he says a mortar shell slammed him to the ground. He later complained of stabbing eye pain and crippling migraines, but was told by a military doctor that he was faking his symptoms to avoid combat duty.

Luther says that he was confined for a month in a 6-by-8 foot room without treatment. At one point, Luther acknowledges, he snapped — biting a guard and spitting in the face of a military chaplain.

He "snapped".

After a month of confinement following being dismissed as "faking" his physical pain.

Go figure.

Read the entire article here: Hundreds of soldiers with PTSD incorrectly dismissed

The Sting of Stigma; "The Wind Never Lies" Part 3 PTSd

Dictionary.com: Stigma; a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation. Medicine/Medical: a mental or physical mark that is characteristic of a defect or disease

This post is a follow up to a very real issue that anyone who is labeled with the words "mental illness" faces; the discrimination that comes with the stigma of being "marked" as different.

Here is a link to "The Wind Never Lies" part 1.

Here is a link to The Sting of Stigma and Unconditional Love; The Wind Never Lies Part 2

Below is the continuation of this very important conversation during this years "May is Mental Health Awareness Month"...which seems to me a tad ironic since it's not "Mental Health" that is stigmatized but those who bear the mark of the beast - "Mental Illness".

This experience of stigma, shame, discrimination is more common than many realize. Once given this "mark", the label of "mental illness" the battle becomes not just one of learning to cope when our internal resources are clearly depleted - but also a fight for ones basic rights to be treated with dignity and respect and oftentimes a battle just to be heard.

Rebekah at Facebook left this comment about Part 2 of this series and gave me permission to share it here:

"I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 5 years ago and was on meds for all of that time and went through the emotions that Steve talked about (The Wind Never Lies) and no one would listen to me after I was given that label and hospitalized twice, and they still dont, but I know that what I REALLY have is PTSD, and no amount of mood stabilizing medication makes that better, misdiagnosis is so common and so many people just take the meds and dont question it, but now I am finally dealing with the REAL problem and things are getting better. Thank you Susan for posting this :)"

Thank you Rebekah, for being willing to share your story with us.

Stigma; a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation. Medicine/Medical: a mental or physical mark that is characteristic of a defect or disease

If you've had a similar experience I'd like to invite you to contact me if you would like to share your story in some way.

You can leave your comment here or reach me via Facebook here or Twitter here.

Q: How has the label of "mental illness" affected your life - good or bad?

True Confessions: Is it possible?

Yesterday over at Heal My PTSD Michele posted a confession. She boldly stepped up and addressed what many don't want to look at; the labels and stigma associated with mental health issues.

One comment Michele had was this..."Alas, we don’t always get to choose our labels. We do, however, get to choose how we wear them."

Click HERE to read the entire post and related comments.

This was the beginning of a lively discussion about the label of PTSD and mental illness....below is one of the comments I left on this post:

What a wonderful discussion! So many varied views, opinions and perspectives! It is so wonderful to know that many, like you Marie, are finding therapists who know how to diagnose and treat PTSd as what it is - a psychological injury to be healed rather than an “illness” that has no cure.

And I totally agree that there are as many views and perspectives on PTSd and “mental illness” as there are people who wear that badge of honor.

Truth is though - that while PTSd is beginning to finally be recognized as that “injury” vs organic or biological “illness” - the stigma found in society regarding mental health issues in general is, as we all know, very real and extremely limiting and painful to those who face this discrimination every day by family, friends, neighbors, employers and yes - physicians and therapists as we are told that it is not possible to heal this “injury” and must learn to “manage” this “illness” instead of being guided in how to “live” beyond it….and in spite of it.

Personally - I believe that the “symptoms” of however you want to label this thing - can be used to begin to create a path - a map - out of the jungle. “This is where I’m at and THIS is where I want to be; now how am I going to get there?”

I also believe that we as “survivors of horrible things” need to be honored. Our experiences need to be validated. To do less is demeaning and disrespectful.

I also have the understanding of having hung on to my “diagnosis” and other labels related to mental health issues was perhaps a way for me to find that validation in some form, to have those life events, my experiences, my feelings, thoughts validated. To let go of “diagnosis” and “symptoms” and “managing” was scary. It was that place where I stepped to the edge of the cliff and kept going, believing I would find my way regardless of what the professionals said.

I think it is possible to both have our experiences validated and become a whole person. In other words, I have had cancer but I don’t define myself as a cancer survivor. I am a person who had cancer, did the treatment, had the surgery.

I still do rehabilitation exercises for the many surgeries even 10 years later and live with chronic pain from those surgeries and reconstructions - but this is not what my focus or conversation is each day. I don’t define myself as a “cancer survivor” nor do I join support groups that years later ruminate and focus on how horrible it is to have had and survived cancer. To do so steals my energy and limits my ability to live a full life because my focus would be on what “was” (the past) vs. what “is” (my potential).

So yes - I believe that we can have our experiences validated AND I believe that we can use whatever diagnosis we have been given to begin to find our way out of instead of living in the nightmare of past traumas (and other "mental health" issues). And then - we can model this to the world and say “it is possible to heal”…follow me.

Q: So, I'm curious. How do YOU view the labels that come with mental health issues? And - do you believe it is possible to USE these labels to find healing and wholeness and why do you believe this?

Trick Question! Pain? Or No Pain?

I posted this on my FaceBook page a few days ago: If you were given a choice to choose to be free of the pain of the past or choose an opporunity to learn to create your own best life - what would you choose? Exactly!

Trick question...or is it?

I think it is safe to assume that everyone - or most everyone - would like to be free of the pain of the past. To let go of the emotional distress and internal pain and conflict, to quiet the noise of a racing mind. To find peace from the cognitive distortions that can leave us feeling afraid and unsure. To quench the idea that suicide or other self harming/self destructive behavior is the only relief to be found from the torment of a mind that seems uncontrollable and a past that haunts us day and night.

But does everyone - or most everyone - know they have options and can learn to create their best life after being diagnosed with a mental illness? That it is possible to not simply survive day to day by managing symptoms and coping...but to live, to thrive, to dream and to reach for, to live each day to its fullest? To become all they are capable of being?

For a long time, I didn't.

But that changed when I met someone who had been there and done that - and was willing to shine and share their light on a new path in my journey. It was a path that had been there all along, but I hadn't seen it through the darkness and chaos of a racing mind and sense of hopelessness and helplessness that I could ever be and be "ok".

It was a path where I discovered that under the brush and weeds of the dark jungle in my mind, I found that I had had what I needed to find my way out of the darkest places within myself; that it had been there all along and I needed only to learn how to access this wisdom within myself.

I learned that I had the power to change my life - that I had a choice other than to continue to live at the mercy of racing thoughts and unstable emotions.

Here is the correction I posted on my FaceBook page: Lets revise that! A choice to STAY in the pain of the past or choose to be free of it - which would you choose?

"Managing" the symptoms of "mental illness" served only to help me survive another day, another night only to repeat that process the next day, week, month and eventually years; there was no freedom, I was prisoner to this torment. My life revolved around and was consumed by simply surviving, trying to hold the demons at bay.

Yet I have since found freedom. I discovered that I did not have to STAY in that pain and avoidance; that I could choose to be free of it. Free of the emotional instability, the cognitive distortions that colored my reality, the hopelessness that I could ever have more, the helplessness that kept me dependent on sources outside of myself to guide my life, the belief that to cope and survive was the best I could hope for.

I discovered that I could LEARN how to live in the self awareness and develop the insight that has allowed me to find freedom from the pain of the past and and create my best life - which is simply the life of my choosing each day.

*****

If you are looking for resources I've posted some links here. Not an exhaustive collection by any means but a good place to start :)

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Photo credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonigirl/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

I see hope

I wanted to write a happy post. To maybe talk about all the ways I've noticed again just how far I've come in this journey of self discovery; of finding my way.

But I can't right now. Instead I'm feeling angry at the injustice of this thing called PTSD and how it has not been handled.

You see, I've been reading about the struggles of the Military Vets and their families. The emotional pain, the nightmares. The suicide rates among vets.

For a long time I couldn't do that. Reading about others pain, I mean. It was all I could do to face my own so it was overwhelming to read of others journeys through this nightmare.

And what I see is again just how similar the experience of the Post Trauma Stress response is. And how varied our experiences can be that bring us to this place where the nightmares are different nightmares but the pain is as deep for each of us as the Grand Canyon is deep and wide.

While our stories are different; the soldiers coming home, the children raped, the accident in which all was lost but perhaps one life...

The results are common. The nightmares, the flashbacks, that feeling of crazy, the isolation from the world that doesn't understand, being on edge, not wanting to die but not knowing how to live beyond this...and the list that we all know goes on and on.

And this gives me hope.

Hope that as we speak up and find our voice, tell our stories, share our success - the secret shame of living with the PTS response will no longer be. That as we work and walk together our shared experiences and voices will be the catalyst for change.

And that all will be well.

So I guess in the end while I didn't write a happy post today, I wrote a reality post and one filled with that broad range of emotions that makes me feel alive and motivates me to find purpose and meaning from my life experiences.

And in the end...I see hope for us all.

Know and face thine enemy

Recently I was invited to join the Heal My PTSD discussion group on Facebook with Michele Rosenthal of the website Heal My PTSD.

And I have to say that I am honored to first have been invited and second to have received the warm welcome from the readers of Michele's blog and of this very valuable discussion/support group. I am amazed at what is going on there, the support and camaraderie is invaluable to those of us struggling to reclaim our lives post-trauma.

I've been reading there and other places about the nightmare of the Post Trauma Response and the struggle many of us face in our search for answers. So - I thought I would jump in this Monday morning with my own thoughts on this healing process - this journey in which we may all be walking our own paths, finding our own way, in the time that is right for each of us and our journey.

We all know and many of us have become quite familiar with the symptoms of PTSD so I'm not going to go into that part of the discussion today. If you need more information on learning to identify symptoms you may be experiencing, Michele has created the place for this kind of information on her blog here.

In the past, I avoided anything that could be a trigger...but have sincelearned that I can embrace and learn from the emotional stressors of the post trauma response - not all at once, but one step at a time, by putting one foot in front of the other.

Christine Blaire ofBlisschick.net recently posted some insight about learning to listen to and respect the message given to her by her body and emotions rather than succumbing to the darkness of the depression that was trying to creep up on her. You can read more here. In this post Christine talks of the awareness that led her to discover the truth behind the depression and how she embraced it rather than avoiding it.

In her next post Christine shares how she chooses to have an attitude of being grateful for her experiences and how moving from "why" to this state of grace has freed her from the past bondage of that dark place. Read more about Radical Gratitude here.

The point that I made in my comments of Christine's post was how when we are able to begin to listen to our emotions they become the lighthouse that can lead us out of the darkness and free us from the fog of living in a chronic state of stress that occurs when we maintain avoidance over embracing our emotions as an internal guidance system that can lead us out of this heavy forest cover of the post trauma response.

For some of us who may have learned to ignore or stuff down or avoid our emotions for whatever reason, this becomes part of our journey;to learn to know what we are feeling.

We can do this by paying attention or developing an awareness of our thoughts, our behaviors and our physical responses. (Although some of us may also be at a place of learning to identify our bodies especially if we were physically violated as a part of our trauma experience).

And while I don't claim to have all the answers, I am hoping that perhaps we can open some discussion to becoming aware of the opportunity to begin toembrace rather than avoidour experiences and learn from the emotions that for many of us were not safe in the midst of a trauma experience.

This is not something that I was able to learn "in one shot". Rather, it became my process; the way I went through my day, catching a negative thought here. Identifying a trigger there. I used many tools as I walked and still walk this part of my journey as I learn more about myself, who I am choosing to be, creating the life of my choosing - my best life - each day.

Have you found some ways to learn how to recognize the enemy of ptsd symptoms in this battle? What steps can we take to no longer be victim to this nightmare and become more than a survivor?

Movie Review: Reign Over Me (Portrayal of PTSD in a man who lost his family to 9/11)

OMG...I just caught the movie "Reign Over Me" on a local Sunday Movie and HAD to mention it here as a great example of the journey through PTSD.

There's plenty to see in this movie - I am always on the lookout for those that exemplify the experience of living with the Post Trauma Response...

Adam Sandler does a wonderful portrayal of his character, Charlie Fineman who is not the direct victim of a physical trauma but is living in the nightmare following the attacks of 9/11.

Sandler does a terrific job I think of exhibiting the numerous and variety of post trauma symptoms from the movies that play in his head to the need to do anything to avoid thinking of his family that perished in the attacks.

Actor Don Cheadle plays a college friend to Fineman whom he runs across one afternoon. Over time the relationship plays out to one where Cheadle's character Alan Johnson is a true and compassionate friend to Fineman as he lives the life of one truly tormented by the nightmare of living in the past pain of his unexpressed grief over the loss of his wife and 3 beautiful daughters and even how the family dog is a part of this mans tortuous existance as he struggles and fights against talking about his loss.

I am pleasantly surprised at how this director, Mike Binder, has captured not only the torment of PTSD but the complexitities of how society reacts and does not offer the support he needs to be able to truly grieve and heal in his own way.

Finally, once this conflict is resolved and compassion is shown to this man who has lost not only his family but his life as he knew it to the nightmares and torment of PTSD he slowly begins to trust others and find his way in the end.

If you are able to watch movies of others experiences without it being too triggering to your own losses, this is a great portrayal of the misunderstood issues that trauma survivors face and what truly is the answer to helping them find their way back from the nightmare of PTSD.

From the perspective of my own post trauma experiences, I am impressed at how this director was able to show how the resistance to facing the pain of our past can actually draw out the nightmare of PTSD and how compassion is the key to reaching those who are still suffering in the darkness of this nightmare.

I found the movie "Reign Over Me" at the itunes store for 9.99 or you can find it at amazon here

Slept like a BABY!

Yawn...steeeetttch. Good morning world!

Funny thing happened on my way to this morning!

I slept.

Not so amazing you say?

Ah. But you see, I have lived with the nightmares and insomnia now for....(doing the math...) 2010 minus 1992 = 18 years. Well, plus or minus a few months but whose counting :).

It has been 18 years plus the 10 years in a violent marriage since I have slept well.

So, yes. This really IS pretty amazing, isn't it! :0

No, this is not the first night that I have slept well...but it is a morning that deserves mentioning because it has happened more than once and in a regular type of pattern so I'm pretty sure that I'm onto something here.

As one who has experienced trauma and then the resulting and related nightmares and insomnia - sleep was pretty much a no-no.

I went the route of the prescriptions and pills. They didnt work either - although I was drowsy, sleepy and lethargic most of my awake time. So I guess that was something :).

I hated going to sleep. It wasn't intentional. It wasn't a sudden thing. It was insiduous, like a lion stalking it's prey. I crept up on me. First during my marriage years, I couldn't understand why I couldn't sleep and wondered what was different. (hello! well, I guess I figured that one out!)

Then once my husband was out of my life I didn't sleep. I didn't know at the time what it was but in hindsight I recognize the hypervigelance mode that had kicked in. More foggy days; lots and lots of late night television.

Over the years as I was misdiagnosed, insomnia was my constant companion. I was afraid to go to sleep so television was my best friend. When I got a computer in 2000 we were one happy little family - 24/7.

What is different?

Plenty.

But the most recent change was a conversation I had with a young mother about how I would feel sleepy but wanted to stay up later because I thought since I wasn't sleeping this would help me to sleep.

But, she says in her young mother wisdom "when a baby naps in the afternoon, it sleeps better and fusses less in the evening. You know, that idea that sleep begets sleep".

She continued with such natural common sense...and I concluded from this conversation that I had throughout my experience with trauma, developed 1. an avoidance of sleep that is common to us with this dastardly PTSD stuff and 2. I was unwittingly interfering with my body's natural sleep cycle.

So that night instead of fighting the tiredness and heavy eyes as I struggled to make it to the late night news and have a visit with David Letterman :)...

I went to bed WHEN I started feeling tired and my eyes felt heavy.

My mind wanted to resist. I wanted to avoid sleep and the potential nightmares (that no longer visit near so often, but still my mind shouted DON'T GO TO SLEEP!)

And I slept.

All night.

Like a baby.

Be Your Own Hero

I can never become what I was meant to be when I am looking for what might have been.

In last nights episode of Smallville I found a very simple, yet profound lesson. A lesson that is key to "getting over" the past and letting go of trying to create the future - which only serves to steal from my today...

In this episode there is a beautiful young witch type person (sorry, didn't catch her name) who can grant anyone their "wish of the moment".

Chloe is envious of Lois' lifestyle and relationship with Clark - Clark is wishing to be a "normal" guy with a "normal" humdrum life.

They both get their wishes.

The kicker is that in this story, the wish-spell wears off when they no longer wish it.

In the story as the drama unfolds, Chloe has the realization that she is what she is and she is in the perfect place in her life and her life is exactly what it is supposed to be.

She has this insight as she is coaching Clark to accept himself for what he is - the superhero the world needs.

The camara pans out and returns to each of them - Chloe is now Chloe again. Clark is now Clark again.

They both appear happy and confident as though that "light bulb" went off in their heads at the same time.

You can never become what you were meant to be when you are looking for what might have been.

Chloe cheers Clark on - Clark leapt a tall building in a single bound and the day was saved....

Today I will choose again to let go of the things that I cannot change and come to an acceptance and appreciate that my life is mine for a reason. Today I will not focus on what might have been but in all that I am. Today I will become all that I was meant to be.

Today - I will be my own hero

Discovering me - self image is everything

Self image. The basis for how we "see" ourselves can be dramatically affected by the things that have happened to us in the past. The key is to "see" ourselves as capable of overcoming the sometimes tough things that life seems to have given us.

At times it seems that to wail "how could this have happened?" and focus on the events of the past is the solution; and it is if we want to remain a "victim" - but this is not always the most empowering solution. While there is a time and place for going through the grief process, if we find ourselves "stuck" there we can escape the images and events that might be replaying like a tape in our minds.

While we can't go back and change the past, we can control how we react or respond to it today. I can view myself as in control of my life, I can move forward today and let go of that "tape"; I can decide to not rewind it and play it over and over. I can live in my head, replaying the events of the past or I can live in today and make the most of it.

While this is not a "cure all" for overcoming the sometimes painful events of life - it is one more tool that I can use to make that all empowering choice to live in the moment, to re create that person I choose to be now and today. To help me create the picture of who I want to be and the life I want to live today.

In this moment...

In the blog Parasites of the mind Michele Rosenthal discusses the idea that we can begin to tap our own inner resources and find our own inner hero as we heal from PTSD. For me finding the inner strength to finally say "enough" to living in the past came in a moment of clarity while reading a book by Eckhart Tolle...


In his book A New Earth; Awakening to your lifes purpose Echkart Tolle discusses how this moment is your life. For some reason I found that to be the most amazing idea. All this time I was wanting to find a cure, a fix, that would allow me to move on and "get a life". Yet in one moment of awareness, I understood that I had everything I needed to "fix" myself within myself.

My life had been consumed with trying to avoid the intrusive thoughts and anything that might trigger them. I was mesmerized by the racing thoughts in my head and an internal sense of victimization to such a degree that I had lost sight of the moment...the moments that I had lost because I was "stuck" in time as I relived the trauma situations of my life, thinking about what had happened, imagining things I could have done or said differently to have prevented the situation, the mistakes I had made that had perhaps compounded the situation and left me feeling guilty or responsible for the situation or how others had been affected.

These racing thoughts consumed my attention during the day and intruded into my dreams at night. This state of mind kept me in a constant state of hyper vigilance - just waiting for something to happen, ready to move into the adrenalin rush of the "fight or flight" response of my body and mind.

But in the midst of all that, after years of therapy, medications and self destructive behaviors I had that moment of clarity - that I could change my life simply by changing my mind.

That meant that I had to be willing to learn how to not avoid the memories, but to embrace them, feel the feelings, grieve the loss, acknowledge the anger - I had to realize that I was now in a safe place and in total control of my mind, body and soul. Like Michele says in her blog about constructing a post trauma identity I had to recreate myself; I had the opportunity to choose what kind of person I wanted to be today, what life I wanted to live in this moment.

As a result, I have been able to gradually, in my own time and my own way, move from the black and white thinking of a victim to being able to allow the idea that maybe life is not "all good" or "all bad"...and let some color in. Eventually I was finally able to see that life was full of color like that found in a swatch of colorful plaid fabric.

I hope you are able to find the path that will allow you to live life in full color too.

Seize the moment!