Sunday, August 16, 2009

This is the "hard work"

In this journey, sometimes the pain is huge. Somedays are better than others. Some nights are longer than others. What I have found is good though - by feeling this pain instead of avoiding it - "it" no longer consumes my life.

I don't have to analyze it or understand it. It is. It hurts inside. I sob and shake. I let it roll over me but no longer do I have to say that it doesnt matter. What I was given as a child and adolescent that I didnt need was not right. The life I got as a result of this and coping skills that I didnt get have made my life a game of trying to "figure out" where I stand in this world.

But I cant change it and trying to avoid "it" and what "it" gave me in life has served only to steal many todays as I lived in the pain of my past. Dissociation, depression, drugs, alcohol or any number of the other "addictions" that I used to shut it all out - avoiding "it" did not make "it" go away.

But then this is the "hard work" - the facing of "it" and what I got from "it" and how "it" affected my life and life choices - to face it and feel the pain doesnt make "it" go away; but it does help me to find some freedom in today as I try to put this all to rest and become who I choose to be today.

So, while this is one of those moments where the pain is such that I would rather shut down I know that if I choose instead to face it - to feel the feelings - it will no longer own me. It's "hugeness" becomes managable, I dont have to "go away" to get away from it.


Ellen said...

HI Susan,
I'm sorry it's rough for you at present. I often feel the same. And it does seem to be a choice - we can choose not to feel but then we get a bunch of other really bad crap, like dissociation and depression. It will get better. Take care,

Susan said...

Thank you Ellen for your support! It would seem that facing the past would make things worse - but in reality this exercise makes it get better a whole lot faster:) ie I dont have to "go away" to "get away" any more.