I don't have to analyze it or understand it. It is. It hurts inside. I sob and shake. I let it roll over me but no longer do I have to say that it doesnt matter. What I was given as a child and adolescent that I didnt need was not right. The life I got as a result of this and coping skills that I didnt get have made my life a game of trying to "figure out" where I stand in this world.
But I cant change it and trying to avoid "it" and what "it" gave me in life has served only to steal many todays as I lived in the pain of my past. Dissociation, depression, drugs, alcohol or any number of the other "addictions" that I used to shut it all out - avoiding "it" did not make "it" go away.
But then this is the "hard work" - the facing of "it" and what I got from "it" and how "it" affected my life and life choices - to face it and feel the pain doesnt make "it" go away; but it does help me to find some freedom in today as I try to put this all to rest and become who I choose to be today.
So, while this is one of those moments where the pain is such that I would rather shut down I know that if I choose instead to face it - to feel the feelings - it will no longer own me. It's "hugeness" becomes managable, I dont have to "go away" to get away from it.