One of the hardest parts of the healing journey is learning to let go of relationships that we hold so much hope for.
I'd spent a lifetime struggling to do things "right enough" to finally be "good enough" that others would accept me...that they would finally love me for who I was. That I would have a place to belong. A place where I felt wanted. A family...THE family or friends - that I'd never had but always dreamed of and hoped for.
I just knew that there was something that I'd done to cause them to not love or want me. If I was prettier. Smarter. When I bought my first house...got a better job. Bought them the right gift, sent them the best card.
I held onto the hope that if I could just try harder that things would change.
And sometimes they did.
For a minute.
Learning to let go of the hope and wish that I could somehow change myself that others would love or accept me was almost as hard as actually letting those relationships go. I wanted desperately to "make things work" and it was only when I let this idea go that things began to work - for me.