Monday, October 24, 2011

Letting Go of the Hope

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One of the hardest parts of the healing journey is learning to let go of relationships that we hold so much hope for. 

I'd spent a lifetime struggling to do things "right enough" to finally be "good enough" that others would accept me...that they would finally love me for who I was. That I would have a place to belong. A place where I felt wanted. A family...THE family or friends - that I'd never had but always dreamed of and hoped for. 

I just knew that there was something that I'd done to cause them to not love or want me. If I was prettier. Smarter. When I bought my first a better job. Bought them the right gift, sent them the best card. 

I held onto the hope that if I could just try harder that things would change.

And sometimes they did.

For a minute. 

Learning to let go of the hope and wish that I could somehow change myself that others would love or accept me was almost as hard as actually letting those relationships go. I wanted desperately to "make things work" and it was only when I let this idea go that things began to work - for me.



Anonymous said...

Susan how much do you sound like me! It has only been through the last few years that I'm taking courage to let go of the toxic relationships. Hoping that somehow maybe this time things will be good. I had this very experience with my family. I became the emotional martyr of my family. My parents told me I wasn't good enough when they raped me continuously as a little girl. My mother gave to me the false responsibility of making everyone happy, even when I wasn't. It was my loyal duty. If I couldn't satisfy them then I wasn't being faithful and loyal, I wasn't showing them love...But I am so happy this morning to say along with you that I no longer hope for a relationship with them. I let go of the toxic and I move on to a life of knowing I am enough, just being the person I am. I love them still but I hold no hopes of being in their life and having their true love...Thank you Susan for sharing your experience. I rejoice with you. Have a wonderful day!!! RiRi

Healing Within said...

Hi Susan.. Letting go has been the hardest for me. too. Sometimes holding on to dysfunctional seems appealing because at least its some thread linking me to them even if it is the thread of dysfunction.

I know now and fully accept that I cannot hope for that to be any more . I fully accept that there are some I will never speak to again, and I am ok with that though the thought is still a bit painful.

Learning to let go:


CC said...

You are the you you've been waiting on...............:)

Susan said...

RiRi! this is one of the casualties of the jouney to well was really hard to let go of the idea that I was somehow obligated to those who were abusing me still as an adult. I had been so conditioned to see them as my source and that I HAD to put myself in their presence...breaking that sick attachment was soooo difficult but only when I didn't understand it. Learning that I didn't "have" to keep trying to work it out with them made it so much easier to finally walk away. My parents are both gone but my older siblings took their place so it was confusing on many levels. They knew how to bully and shame me into coming to their "family" get togethers where I was often served up as the main course. It is so great to hear that you've been able to break free of those relationships and love them from a distance...I admire your courage RiRi....its hard to learn to detach in this way.

Take care! Thanks so much for your note!


Susan said...

Hi Joy. Yes...that need for an attachment is a basic human condition. The good news is that the grieving doesn't last forever and in letting go of the bad I was also opening myself up for the good. It was tough learning to let go of that childlike attachment and realize that as an adult I was responsible for what I was trying to get from those relationships but at the same time as an adult I learned to cultivate healthy attachments by design vs the constant seeking and being wounded by attaching to anyone who was "nice" to me.

Really glad to see you here Joy! I admire your courage and tenacity to keep on keeping on:)


Susan said...


Christine said...

Hi Susan,

I am into starting the process of letting go of the toxic relationship with my parents. It is difficilt as they continue claiming my attention through mail and phone calls mentionning their bad luck and diseases in detail, discarding my needs and triggering my feelings of guilt and frustration. I realize I can not make this work. I'm determined to make a change for myself.
Thank you for your posts and blogtalk... very helpfull information.
Continue the empowering work!
Kind regards from Belgium,

Susan said...

Christine….I am so sorry you are dealing with this idea in your own life and relationships. Its the hardest in the beginning. Thank you so much for your note and I am very glad to hear you find the blog and the podcast to be supportive of your journey! Take care :)

Susan :)