Sunday, June 26, 2011

It Wasn't Me

This morning I tweeted this little ditty...

Understanding that there is a reason why I/my life was f**d up is different than when I make it an excuse that it is still f**d up.

Whaa at?

Heres the thing...

When I thought the problem was ME 

ie that I was sick, disordered, bad, wrong, defective, a bitch, a (fillintheblankdad)...

I lived in that place where I had to justify myself, my existence, my thoughts, feelings and choices.


Because I had a really difficult time shouldering the burden that something was WRONG with me was the "why" behind my life being a shipwreck.

And why did I carry this burden of proof of my f****ed-upedness?

Because I was taught from an early age that whatever was wrong was my fault.

That I was not and never would be "good enough".

That I never did, never could and never would do anything "right enough".

I was being blamed for what was wrong by those who modeled the world and how to view it to me. 

I was taught that its not nice to blame mother and father for what they did to me but rather

that what they did to me I caused it, was responsible to fix whatever it was that made me do whatever it was that I did that made them do what they did.

So naturally I grew up believing that blaming was "normal".

Well, as I grew up and started my own life I of course engaged with the bigger world from that perspective.

There was always someone or something or some reason why I did what I did or didn't do.

This was that place where I was stuck in "story" and could not yet get to my "Story" in my healing journey.

It was when I gave back that burden and realized that the state of the union was NOT my fault...and it was not my responsibility to fix it that I was able to understand that my "normal" ie blaming things outside of myself for the crappy state of my life was not really "normal" aka "healthy"...nor helpful.


When I was able to let go of feeling responsible for everyone and everything else that was wrong in the world and my relationships...

I was able to understand the difference between understanding that my past life experiences were the reason my life was f***ed up and...

using my past as a reason why it is still f***ed up.

Learning to live beyond broken, learning to live beyond trauma, pain and past wounds came down to understanding that someone WAS responsible for why my life was f***ed up...

And that it wasn't me.

Learning to let go of that burden of proof allowed me to learn to let go of the pain of the past and begin to see that while I could not change the past...

I could learn how to live beyond it. 

Photo Credit

 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!


healing_within said...

Dear Susan

As you know, I am only beginning to let go of all that blame.. I am at the point of letting go but in the letting go there are many many tears as in releasing the blame from me, it lands on those who should have loved, nurtured, cared, protected, done everything for me. This leaves me in a new type of being . realizing is very very painful .. its easier for me to blame me and excuse others than to pass the buck.. to someone else. i have been quite a sight these few days.. tears all over the place.. I am simply hiding from everyone and avoiding everything.. wanting to empty my tears out..but they wont stop.. I know this is all healing that I have to go from blame to realization before the next stage and its so very painful. .. thank you for posting all this as I am going through the second step..i am realizing its not me. .and realizing its all about how they did me and i can't stop the tears..


Tara said...

Living beyond it -- yes, Yes, YES!

What a great post for me to read today. Thank you.

And hugs to you, Joy. Don't stop the tears. Just let them go... let it all come out.

Susan said...

Joy - yes. Me too:) I also found it necessary to do this kind of grieving (and any related anger) around these issues alone. It's in our nature I think. To lick our wounds and heal so to speak. This is what I discovered was the "hard work" of the emotional healing process. I hope you can be Gr lyre with you and rest. This takes lots of energy and I found to be the beginning if my new life and finding "me".

Tara---thanks so much for your note and support:) I'm glad this one resonated with you today:)

Patricia Singleton said...

What a wonderful, healing lesson this is for all of us who grew up being blamed for what was wrong in our worlds. Letting go of the shame and responsibility frees us to see who we really are.

Susan said...

Thanks Patricia! Understanding that my low self worth was given to me instead of that something was wrong with me freed me to see that I could also learn to change it.

Hope became possible:)

ThisBig said...

I have found this technique called Transcendental Meditation A recent study showed that it reduced the symptoms of PTSD by 50%. You might want to check it out :)