I Was Looking for Happy....In All the Wrong Places

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

I remember being asked...

"So when will you be happy?" by those who seemed to have some secret that I didn't know about. My life was miserable. My relationships were often full of strife, my job was never the right job, my boss never the right boss, my hair, my weight, my car, clothes....

Were never just "enough".

I used to strive to be more, have more, do more. My value, my worth and my happiness were determined by people places and things that I could have, be or do.

The thing was - my focus on doing and having really didn't have much effect on my state of being and being happy.

I was happy for a minute if all worked out the way I thought it should work out.

Likewise if there were any snafu's I was not so happy and often sad or angry but not often truly "happy" but for a minute or two - when all was sparkly shiny and new.

Learning to understand that my state of well being was dependent on things outside of myself motivated me to search for the answers to being happy when the people places and things outside of my physical person didn't dance to my tune the way I thought they should.

I sought and I found that in letting go of the outcomes I usually got the outcome that I wanted.

Learning to let life unfold naturally meant learning to recognize when I was seeking my happiness in all the wrong places....

And that when I stopped looking...under the rocks, at the mall, the car dealership, the mortgage company or the boyfriend, husband, kids...

I found it in myself. :)
~

Happiness is (Not Always) A Choice Read here about how by understanding the source of my pain I was able to finally let go of it :)

Photo Credit

Creator? Or Constant Victim? Yeah...I was done with that!

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Victim? Rescuer? Perpetrator or Troublemaker?

We all play these roles at different times and sometimes in the same situation. 

Learning to recognize this is how I learned to change it.

The benefit was that learning this helped me to learn how to cultivate healthy vs dependent relationships.

This empowered me to begin to stop recreating the pattern of abuse in my life that left me feeling powerless over my own life yet feeling responsible for everyone else's life.

On top of that this knowledge helped me to feel more confident about life and the world in general.

Why?

Because I was now in creator of my best life vs. a constant victim of life. :)

~

Psssst!


Keep your eyes open! Things are a growing and changing here in my world and I've got some irons in the fire! 


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With love and appreciation for sharing the journey,


Susan Ks.

Anger and Empowerment - revised

Anger and Empowerment

Anger and irritability used to run my life.

What I discovered though is that if I am approaching "tilt" or "overload" where I have an instinct to either pick a "fight" or take "flight"....I very well may be expecting to find my solutions in things outside of my control.

If I'm viewing people places and things outside of myself as my problem....then I am also very likely looking to those same or similar external sources as my solution.

This position of dependence on things outside of myself for my solutions was fuel for that feeling of hopelessness because I saw my well being at the mercy of things that I had no control over....those people places and things that I could not influence or change.

This also fueled that feeling of helplessness and anger when people and circumstances did not meet my needs or my expectations that they would, or "should" meet my needs.

It was when I learned to recognize this dependence on things outside of myself and shift my focus to being self empowered to find and access my solutions that the issue of chronic anger and irritability was no longer an issue for me.

We can use our anger to identify where we are expecting others to do for us those things that we can truly do for ourselves.

This in turn frees us up to search for other resources and solutions instead of being dependent to stick with a resource that is not meeting our needs.

We can use our anger to fuel our quest for solutions through seeking the knowledge that will open the doors for us to live that self empowered life and escape the pain of living in chronic anger and dependence on others to meet our needs.

You can read the comments at the original post here on Facebook or leave your own comments below...

Q: How could you use your anger to find and fuel your own power?

Blood, Sweat and Tears

For some reason lately this song has been running through my mind..."Spinning Wheel" by the group Blood Sweat and Tears from 1969.

This has been in the context of that "racing mind" that seems to go along with mental health issues, that feeling of "stuckness" and feeling of powerlessness to make the nightmares stop and...the loss of hope that my life could be anything different than what it has been..

As I thought about this song, I Googled for the meaning behind this song and found this:

Whatever is troubling you, whether it is lack of money or homelessness, it will work itself out one way or another and it's just not worth getting upset over.

(Read more: http://www.faqs.org/lyrics/Blood-Sweat-and-Tears-Spinning-Wheel.html#ixzz0ktljhxFs)

For the longest time I struggled with the idea of "letting go" of the past...and all of the emotional pain - and baggage - that came with it.

And the simplest way that I can describe this "letting go" and as is in the song "ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel turn..."

Is to recognize that when I am "spinning" on the past, the pain, the betrayal, the traumas and issues that my life experience has been - as long as I'm "spinning" on it I'm simply going in circles, round and round and round. A dilemma with no end in sight.

Over time I have been able to learn to recognize when I'm "spinning" that I am often holding on to this rumination in order to validate my experiences that were denied by so many others in my lifetime...but also that as I ruminate over the pain of the past I am searching for a way to resolve the past in my today, which of course is impossible.

So I have to ask myself what is it that I am accomplishing with this re-living of these resentments and I have come to realize that this allows me to continue to avoid the emotions that are connected to the experiences in which my power was taken from me in one way or another.

That I have effectively put myself on the Merry-Go-Round and am riding the painted pony that is not going anywhere, not accomplishing anything - other than to spend my today reliving and holding on to the pain of a past that I cannot change.

But I have also learned that if I can let go and stop reliving the pain of my past...that I can ride the Merry-Go-Round with the joy and excitement of a life lived in freedom...and a peace beyond my understanding.

Whoops! I did it again! Using Creativity...

Whoops! I did it again!

Well - sort of!

Finding creativity after a lifetime of "stuffing" anything about me that expressed my individuality or and sense of “self” has not been the easiest part of this journey (you can see my bio here). But - I have taken some steps to do that through a variety of mediums throughout my journey.

One of the first that I posted online was my storyboard. There are 5 collage cards and the interesting thing is that when I set out to do this activity, I had no plan in mind. Yet - when it was finished, I realized that I had told my story in this series. The first I titled "Disconnected".

The second in this series portrays how I felt in the midst of the worst of this part of my journey. "A Shadow" of who I might have been - but in hindsight...I see that also was only a shadow of all that I could - and will - become.

"Fragmented" is an expression of how I felt I had no defined sense of self; no "me" to speak of. This is during the time when I made the choice to take my journey into my own hands as I stepped to the top of the mountain, my arms open to what may come, trusting the process as I stepped off the edge. I was ready to do the "hard work"...the emotionally wrenching grieving of a life I would never know. Little did I know that this healing process would take me to the life I never knew that I could have.

Grieving...what was...and wasn't is the process that I have followed to find my way out of the legacy of hopeless and helplessness that comes so often with trauma of any kind. It was a time of finding the "how" behind learning to "let go" of all that I could not change in my past or control in my future. It was where I began to find the peace that passed all of my understanding. The joy of living that comes with living in the truth that set me free.

"I Am Free" exhibits the freedom I have found as I have followed this simple although not easy process to claim my right to exist, to breath, to stand tall. And it all began because I believed that I would "find something to stand on...or learn how to fly" ...I am now in flight:).

My post, "Was it worth it?" is where I posted one of my first "self portraits" as I began to use charcoal drawing to begin to learn how to express what I was feeling. I drew this portrait near the beginning of a new leg of my journey as I entered that place of willingness to step out of my shame and begin to claim my world, my life...as my own. This was that place within the process of my storyboard where I learned that it was safe...and I learned how to grieve the past and embrace rather than avoid the pain as my path to freedom from the darkness. This is what the "hard work" looked like for me...Today I cried...and was set free. This drawing is now in a frame on my wall where I am reminded each day of that sacred place where I found - and took - my freedom.

"Haiku" is my journey into poetry. This poem is the simplest and most beautiful description of the healing path that I have followed. Tears...wash the soul free.


I Believed is my version of the wonderful Patrick Overton poem that inspired me to keep moving forward when I thought I could not take one more step or endure one more moment of pain.


I have also done some writing of fiction based on my experiences as well as I have some non fiction things on the stove that are not quite ready to be served just yet:) And today...I wanted to post/share what I did yesterday with my iphone camara and the photo editing software on my mac. Nothing fancy schmancy - but it just goes to show that we all have some sort of creativity within us and it doesn’t have to be museum quality to qualify as “expressive”.

And, for me anyway, my creative expressions will typically connect me to whatever it is that I am focused on at the moment; whether I am consciously aware of it – or not. I can use my creative forms of expression to identify how I am feeling when I do not understand why I am being sullen, sad, irritable or even ecstatically happy. I can use my creative work to indicate and learn to identify an emotion or resolve a triggered situation that I cannot yet name.

So - yes; I guess I "did it again" as the story goes:) I used photo's to live in my now and build a bridge from my past pain to my present awareness and acceptance. 


What's the story behind these pics?

I have my story but you may have one too; what do you see when you look at these photos? What story from your own journey comes to your mind?

This is where your beginning may be. This is the story you might find a way to express today that will be your catalyst to finding your own freedom and creating your own new story.

And while we might hope and wish that doing this once or even twice might be the “end”…oftentimes each story takes us to the next and the next.

So how do I know I am done – or at least making some progress?

When my expression became less of pain and more of joy and peace and acceptance of what is instead of rumination over what never was or what “could” have been. When I could begin to sit with mine or another’s anguish instead of trying to “fix” things that are not broken but need only to be experienced and expressed. When my energy became my own, when I could claim my life power and create with intention my best day each day, even when it’s raining or storming around me. When I could think of the past…yet stay in the present.

It will be the truth that sets you free.

visit my photo album on facebook here...

Like the little engine that could...

It began with the idea that I could.

The very first lesson that I received on the idea of self empowered healing from "mental illness" was during that week in the hospital in September of 2007. (You can listen to this part of my story here on Blog Talk Radio with Michele Rosenthall of Heal My PTSD)

A Note: keep in mind, I had continued to read and study mental health issues for years but had been dismissed by my previous providers when I asked if I could ever live and function on my own, without "meds" and lifelong "talk therapy".

So while I had believed and hoped all the years in this system that I could find my way out of this dark place, like many others, I trusted and believed it when my doctor and therapist told me that this was something to be managed for the rest of my life.

Hint: if anyone is telling you "you can't"...this does 3 things. 1. it puts them in control and 2. it re-enforces that I am incapable and re enforces that false belief of helplessness to change or better my situation and 3. it creates an unhealthy dependency and re enforces that state of perpetual victimhood and hopelessness as we continue to believe that the power to heal lies with someone or something outside of myself. (more on this another time...)

For more information see Michele Rosenthal's post of March 8th 2010 on Knowing when to seek a different kind of help.

I was very literally going through withdrawals from all the medications that I had been dependent on to make it through each day. There had been a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant or two, the pain killers, muscle relaxers...etc).

Over time the medications were changed and dosages increased as my body developed a tolerance to them. I believe it was this tolerance that saved my life but that's another story...

I had become used to not sleeping years before as the racing thoughts and nightmares took their toll on my mind and ultimately my body as it began to break down from lving in the stress response for so many years without relief.

The doctor was asking me how I was sleeping. I told him I wasn't sleeping but that I would stare at something - a light through the crack in the door, a spot in the wallpaper, the frame of the door to make it through the long nights. I said that I was wishing for sleep...but sleep would not come. In other words, I was using dissociation to cope with my insomnia.

In one sentence he said something that changed my life, altered the course of my journey.

"You know that you don't have to go there, you don't have to follow those thoughts."

I was stunned. That had never occured to me before. That I could choose to not follow the racing thoughts?

My mind went back to the first time I told a "mental health professional" that I wasn't sleeping, that I was pacing my house like a caged lion, waiting for an attack from my abusive husband who had been stalking me for the past year. You can read more about my journey into the mental health system here.

The solution I was given was the beginning of my dependence on things outside myself to "fix" me; I was given an antidepressant.

I was told and I believed, trusted blindly the word of the "professionals"; that my brain was now broken and irreparable. That I would need "meds", psychiatrists and a therapist for the rest of my life to "manage" this "illness" that had cropped up out of nowhere.

That night in the hospital I still did not sleep. I knew that in stopping the meds it would take some time for my body and brain to adjust to functioning without drugs in my system. So I was patient.

But I practiced "not following" the racing thoughts, instead creating a picture in my mind where I felt safe and at peace. This is where I would direct my thoughts as I learned to become aware of and redirect the movies, pictures and voices that played out in my mind.

Just as in the beginning I was willing to do anything to get better, to make the nightmares and voices in my head stop, to not be so overreactive to normal everyday life stressors that could send me over the edge - I now had a new hope that I could truly "get better".

I took this one little idea - that I could choose where my thoughts went - and this became the foundation for this new path that I would follow in my journey to find myself and create the life of my choosing that I am living today.

For the rest of my stay in the hospital I did not sleep more that an hour here or there before the nightmares and racing thoughts would wake me and cause me to walk the halls of the psych ward as my body began to adjust to it's new drug free state. In fact it took nearly a year before I slept for more than a few hours at a time without waking.

It has now been 2 years and 6 months since that fateful turn in my life when this doctor told me those words that changed the power structure in my mind and provided me with a new hope that I had the power within myself to calm my mind and find peace.

Today - most nights I can sleep a full 8 or 9 hours uninterrupted. But this doesn't just "happen". It takes a conscious effort to live this new life each day. This doesn't happen just because I "wished" it or wanted it or someone told me to do it, but rather because I make a conscious effort each day to be aware of my whole self; what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling and making a choice as to what I will do with that information in my chosen actions.

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDICATIONS ABRUPTLY. There are some serious side effects and withdrawal symptoms when psychiatric medications are discontinued even with tapering off over an extended period of time that can lead to an increase in both emotional instability and cognitive distress. Do your own research; talk to your doctor. Make a plan. But it is very dangerous to attempt to discontinue psychiatric medications abruptly. If you need more information on this topic please visit: www.bipolarblast.wordpress.com for a really great library of info and resources. 

Each of us has our own path to walk. This is my journey. That does not mean it should be yours. My hope is that this blog will provide you some information that will help you to begin to ask your own questions, find your own answers and encourage you to live the life you choose for yourself each day.

The Keys to the Magic Kingdom

The keys to the magic kingdom.

Thats what I thought I was looking for all those years that I struggled with "managing" the symptoms of post trauma stress like the unexpected anger or feelings of rage, the depression and mania as I swung from one extreme on the range of emotions to the other. There was no middle for me; it was all or nothing.

The social angst that I experienced if I left the safe cocoon of the little world I had created in my head and my home became incapacitating. The most basic of human interactions became unbearable. The nightmares required medication to sleep but did not provide relief or peace, only a chronic state of lethargy.

The noise in my head was at times unbearable to the point of not wanting to die but not knowing how to live beyond this. Dissociation once again became my saving grace and my best friend as I floated through life day after day, year after year.

Emotional swings became my common ground as I fluctuated from the depths of depression to the highs of rage or overexcitement. Guilt and shame permeated my being for not being able to control my behavior as I swung from one extreme to another.

The hyper-vigilance was "paranoia" and what others might have termed irrational fears or psychosis was the reality I lived in every day as I battled a war long ago over yet still raging in my head although forgotten and buried amidst the chaos of my mind.

I existed solely to orchestrate and control my life and my environment in a vain attempt to avoid further emotional or cognitive distress that would surely come if I didn't. My life was consumed with getting away from the past - at the expense of my future.

I didn't know what was "wrong" with me - yet ultimately what I discovered was there was nothing wrong with me at all but that I was experiencing a normal human reaction to "trauma".

I simply did not have enough information to make the choice to move beyond being a perpetual victim or to get past living in "survival" mode where symptoms are managed instead of the freedom to create the life of my choosing outside of the nightmare of "mental illness" aka PTS.

The keys to the magic kingdom.

Do not exist.

What I found is that the solution to healing from the past is first, not easy. In making this decision to begin to face my past, to grieve what was my truth...well, I knew there would be times that it was going to feel like a dark and lonely road.

I accepted that no one else could walk this part of my journey for me. That I would face the demons of the past one by one, standing my ground as I determined to come out of this battle a whole person no longer fragmented or tormented.

Second, this journey is not a "quick fix". There is no pill, no book, no therapist or doctor that could "fix" me. I spent years depending on others to provide me with the answers, believing that if we could tweak my prescriptions a bit here and a tad there that in time I would be "better". That if I could only get my therapist to "understand" then he/she would be able to provide me with the magic map that would lead me out of this dark place.

Yet by becoming dependent on things, circumstances and people (regardless of the certificate on the wall) outside of myself to provide me with my answers and offer my life direction and purpose, that I was forfeiting my own power and sacrificing my own potential in the quest to have someone or find some answer outside of myself that I knew would be "the answer".

As I depleted all other resources about me - my family, there were no friends to speak of as I could not tolerate the most common of social interactions, doctors, therapists, the emergency admissions to the psychiatric ward of the hospital that would give me only respite for a moment - but no relief - ...I came to the conclusion that I was down to one thing; one resource. Me.

I accepted that there was no-one that could put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

There was no pill that would make the nightmares and the noise in my head stop.

There was...me.

And I determined as I looked back on my journey to this place where I now stood and accepted that I was my resource. I was my solution.

I stopped fighting.

I stopped resisting.

I started learning how to walk this walk and knew deep within myself that I was going to make it. I didn't know how exactly but I knew there was more to life that what I had been living.

Within my own self, I slowly walked up to the edge of the mountain, tears running down my face. I spread my arms as I stepped to the edge and knew deep within my being that there would either be something there for me to stand on - or I would learn how to fly.

And I haven't looked back.

Thank you for dropping by and reading a bit of my story and the steps I took to begin to reclaim my life. Read more about me here and what this blog is about here.

Next post: Like the little engine that could...finding self empowered healing through the awareness that I could choose to change my thoughts and how this was the beginning of changing my life.

Photo credit/source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rammorrison/481677631/

Neuronal Gossip and Biological Mud

A quote from BeyondMeds; "A twist on negative thoughts..."

The neuronal gossip that keeps you from seeing your mind in its fullness doesn’t really change the fundamental nature of your mind. Thoughts like “I’m ugly,” “I’m stupid,” or “I’m boring” are nothing more than a kind of biological mud, temporarily obscuring the brilliant qualities of Buddha nature, or natural mind. –Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, from The Joy of Living

Love the term “neuronal gossip!!”

Think about it...

How much truth is there really in gossip?

A bit?

A smidgeon?

Does gossip ever do anyone any good?

Or is is more harmful than anything?

A time waster?

A way to avoid facing my own fears, pain and inadequacies?

Those negatives thoughts that run in the background...

The "subtitles" to the movies that I would play in my head...

Over

and over

and over.

Are not doing me any good.

In fact, those are the lies of the past. The beginning of the end. That place where I feel stuck and powerless to change my life.

When I started paying attention to that gossip...

I was able to turn it off

and begin to believe

that I

could

heal.

A bit of a rant, part of my story...how I became suicidal

Ok; typically I do not get on a soapbox about medications. While I have my own opinion about using "medications" to manage the symptoms of emotional and cognitive distress, I don't consider it my job to tell anyone else how to live their life or walk their journey.

But - today over at Bipolar Blast there was a post about how the use of medications corrolates too often with the suicidal thoughts that become the reasoning behind using them to begin with.

So I am not going to go into a rehash but ask you to take a look at the post over there.

What I am going to talk about here today is how I began searching for help while going through an unbelievably difficult year.

The details are not important in this context but on the list of "life stressors" I had a 100% score - no wonder I was feeling overwhelmed and shut down ie what the doctors called "clinical depression" (which was an iatrogenic drug induced depression caused by the stimulants I was prescribed - see the story below for the details). 

 What I have since learned is simply my brain and body telling me enough already - take care of yourself. (the stages of grief/loss/change)

But back to the post I mentioned...

What I realized as I read this post was that I was not the only one who had NEVER had a suicidal thought in my life before taking these "medications"... and here I learned that I was not the only one who had had this experience.

My story; I got connected with a well meaning woman from NAMI (who by the way is funded by the pharma co's - check out Senetor Grassleys recent report here) - in order to help me to receive "treatment" she COACHED me to tell the nurses and doctors at the hospital that I was having suicidal thoughts in order to be admitted to the inpatient ward (where I thought I would find help, compassion and solutions...instead I learned how to be a "compliant" patient.)

I remember the day very clearly; it was December 1993. About 10 days before Christmas. In fact it is one of the last days that I remember clearly.

It was the day I gave up.

As she coached me to tell the nurses that I was feeling "suicidal" and having "those thoughts", I remember thinking that I did not want to do this, but - if doing this would help the doctors tell me what was wrong with me, help me find an answer to what was going on with me, then I would do it. I was willing to do anything to find relief; even lie about feeling "suicidal". I remember feeling completely defeated and ashamed to having to resort to lying in order to get "help".

How did this all start?

Several months earlier (fall of 1992) I had seen a psychiatrist who told me that if I took the powerful stimulant medication Dexedrine that I would no longer have an anger problem (duh - abused, violated, neglected and then asked what I had done to "make" the abuse happen, told I had "made it up", was lying...good cause for some anger wouldn't you think?).

After talking with me on the phone and a (very) short meeting in his office he instructed me to try the Dexedrine. He told me that this would help me to "concentrate" and it would calm my "anger". (Another post another day on my experience with ADD/ADHD issues perhaps).

The Dexedrine started a downward spiral into psychosis and depression. I quickly dropped from a healthy size 12 to a near skeletal size 0/2. I'm 5'9" tall. Do you think I could look pretty psychotic and like I was abusing these drugs? Yup.

I began experiencing insomnia that led to more psychosis, paranoia and in time, mania that was eventually diagnosed as "bi polar" "disorder". At the same time my husband was stalking me and harassing me with "hang up" phone calls several times each day and his presence in my life was always just beyond the reach of the restraining order.

I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. I experienced my first panic attack and thought I was dying. I paced my home in a state of hyper-vigelance not knowing when my husband might surprise me again or what to expect. I blew through $10,000 in less than a month at one point. (this was my first serious run in with drug induced mania).

This was the beginning of how these "medications" created this serious "mental illness" that had to be "managed" with "medicine" for the next 15 years. Years that I will never get back.

The next "medicine" that this Psychiatrist prescribed was Desipramine. An old time anti depressant. Within a few months I ballooned up to over 200 pounds. Along the way Ativan was added to the mix for the drug induced anxiety that was being fed by the panic attacks and hyper-vigelance of being stalked 24/7 for nearly a year. 

Between these 3 medications and the level of extreme stress I had experienced over the past 12 months - well, we had the makings of a future psychotic, paranoid, unemployed welfare recipient and lifetime subscription to the revolving door of the psych ward.

Over the years, more medications were added to the cocktail, doses were changed periodically when I complained I was not seeing improvement since as I was told by my doctors, "psychiatry is more and art than a science". If only I'd known then just how true this statement was.

That afternoon as the sun shone outside and I sat sobbing on the corner of my couch in the home that would soon be foreclosed on (I had not been able to work during this time as I could no longer think or function in this capacity since beginning these "medicines").

That afternoon was the end of my life as I knew it as I gave away my own power and accepted what I was told; that I was simply "broken" and irreparable. That this was the best I could hope for now.

I am not going to tell you or anyone else how to live your life or go off meds. I am not saying that anyone is out to "get me" or that there is any conspiracy going on.

What I am saying is check your gut. Don't trust blindly. If that is where you are, then thats where you are and there is nothing wrong with that.

But for me - that was no longer enough.

Is there a "biological" component to the cognitive and emotional distress we can face when we are overwhelmed with life or having come out of an abusive or traumatic experience?

Yes.

There is a physical and chemical stress response that is a NATURAL response to feeling overwhelmed or threatened. (This can be especially difficult for those who have experienced child abuse since we don't develop the skills to manage life and the related stressors. Survivors of child abuse or neglect may not develop that internal sense of power that we are in charge of our life and can live in a chronic state of hopelessness and helplessness, dependent on things outside ourselves to guide our lives.)

But this is a NATURAL response to some not so normal life circumstances and I have concluded that I am not "ill", "disordered" or in need of medications to "fix" me as I am not "broken" but rather injured. I was not in need of "medicine" as much as to simply feel safe.

Medications in low doses may have their place in helping us to cope for the short term. UPDATE Nov 2013: I no longer believe this after spending 6 years in horrible withdrawals from psychotropic drugs and learning how to resolve my distress as normal human experience; there are numerous ways to bring a state of calm to an individual that do not include neurotoxic chemicals. But - when they become the answer to an invisible "disease" that has no biological beginning and no ending - they become more of a life sentence than a solution. ****

When the pills we take create more and new symptoms to be managed with yet another prescription - perhaps it is time to look deeper for our answers.

It is possible to mend or "heal" from the emotional and cognitive distress that has become known as "mental illness"?

It is not easy to face what I would rather forget.

It is not easy standing up for myself in a system that tells me I am less than someone who is "normal" or if I complain that this "treatment" or "therapy" is not working and I am labeled as non compliant, resistant, paranoid etc etc.

It is hard work to go through the emotional healing and learning the developmental life skills, experiences and education that I did not get in my upbringing.

But as one who has become a mentor to me in this journey has put it - it became more painful for me to NOT change than it was to go through this pain in order to get out of that dark place.

caveat: I do not expect everyone to have the same opinion as I do. This has been my journey. Thank you for respecting that.

DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDICATIONS ABRUPTLY. There are some serious side effects and withdrawal symptoms when psychiatric medications are discontinued even with tapering off over an extended period of time that can lead to an increase in both emotional instability and cognitive distress. 


To safely withdraw from psychotropic drugs one must be responsible to understand both the process and consequences of this choice. 

For more information and resources to safely plan and prepare to reduce or withdraw from psychotropic medications please visit www.proactiveplanning.us or send a message requesting information to: proactiveplan@gmail.com

****October 2011 - I am going to update this and change my position. I no longer believe that these drugs have benefit other than short term reduction of symptoms that may allow someone in distress to sleep and regain their footing. Long term use of these drugs can result in severe and life threatening iatrogenic (doctor induced) disease and physical metabolic disruption Ref: the 25 year disparity in life span that is caused in those who use them. Not to mention the loss of quality of life caused by living in a drug induced state of chronic sedation.****

Kicking self sabotage in the butt

Well, it's the first Sunday morning of 2010. I'm all cozied up in bed with my coffee and vanilla/cinnamon cream....my dog is resting beside me. The weather outside is frightful (did you catch that? "let it snow, let it snow, let it snow :) )...

And I'm still feeling some butterflies about facing a new year that has a hint of success in it already. My mind keeps returning to all the things that I have yet to do in order to be prepared to do the job I have been hired to do. My mind also returns to the (many) failures of my past.

Self sabotage. I've been giving some thought to this idea for some time now. What I've come up with is self sabotage is saying I will do one thing but then not taking the actions to follow through and make it happen. In this instance it is having success knocking on my door but then allowing the fear and panic to stand in the way of preparing to do the job I have been hired to do.

In other words - I have the opportunity to plan and prepare to do the best job possible for my client (a local company has hired me to facilitate/coach a program in house) but the butterflies, panic and sense of being overwhelmed with the hugeness of this project leaves me frozen and unable to take action. This is self sabotage.

But - this is different than in the past where I did not have the tools to overcome this state of "frozen". So instead of viewing this as the entire next 8 weeks that I have to have perfectly prepared...I can:

1. let go of my past failures. Recognizing that those thoughts and pictures running through my head of all the times this has happened before-the opportunities had and lost - is not helpful. It's a lot like "stage fright" I would imagine. I know my lines, I know how to do my job and I am good at it but the spotlight is on me and I'm feeling a bit like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi truck. The good news is that now I can recognize this for what it is, let it go and move forward. I can put one foot in front of the other and simply do my best today.

2. I can let go of the future. In my minds eye I can see myself stumbling and clumsy. I see a lack of confidence and running away with my tail between my legs like a dog who has been startled by a loud noise. Entertaining these thoughts of and picturing failure is not real confidence building so I can switch that up and visualize myself being fully prepared, tall, confident, smiling, professional, well received - instead. The trick is to be aware of these kinds of thoughts and feelings of inadequacy so I can make that conscious decision to turn it around.

3. I can pay attention to my self talk (what I call the "subtitles" to the constant thoughts that run through the back of my mind at any given moment). I can keep telling myself that I am terrified, scared, anxious, panicked...or I can admit to myself that yes, I'm feeling scared but I'm going to be all right, I am good at what I do and I will be well received. That my value is not on doing this good enough and all I HAVE to do is do my best.

4. I can take action. In my past, I didn't have these cognitive tools to be able to coax myself out of that frozen state of inaction. And even though I may have had the knowledge and skills to do whatever it was that I wanted to do, or reach whatever goal I had set out for myself...I was unable to move out of the way of the semi and got knocked down over and over. A sort of self fulfilling prophecy; I think I'll fail therefore I feel anxious resulting in inaction. Sometimes this would result in last minute chaos as I rushed to throw something together (like hitting the library on campus the night before my midterm was due). Or perhaps I just remained inert and unable to take any action at all (like not finishing the guest post I was asked to write). In this case passivity became the basis for "it didn't matter anyway". Today though, I can recognize this inaction as a symptom of something deeper and I can break down this very large project into some very manageable small pieces.

Self sabotage. Seems to be very much tied to the past in which I was taught to believe that I was helpless to change my circumstances. Those times when I was constantly corrected and chastised for not doing something (whatever it was) "right" enough or "good" enough.

But today and each day now I can see my self sabotaging behaviors for what they are - a relic from a past that no longer exists, a wound that is finally ready to heal, an opportunity to "step off into the unknown" and know...really know...that I will find something to stand on, find my wings....and fly.

Image source: http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs40/f/2009/006/2/a/I_can_Fly_by_widjita.jpg

It's MONDAY!!!!!!

Another week has passed and it's Monday again!

When you think of that what is your reaction? What are the thoughts and words that run through your mind? The typical - "oh crap. it's monday again.", "Monday; I hate Mondays" or some variation of that old broken record?

And how do your Monday's go? Lots of problems? Conflict? Drama drama drama? Depressed? Irritated? Anxious?

Same 'ole, same 'ole; right?

Our minds have thoughts - millions of thoughts - that we could grab onto and ride until the next thought impulse comes along.

So what do you think would happen if you started becoming aware of the thoughts you were focussed on - and - with intention - changed them to something positive?

"I love Mondays!", "I get so much done on Mondays!" Mondays ROCK!"

How do you think you might feel if you hung your hat on a few thoughts and comments like that first thing in the morning next Monday - or tomorrow?

Well, when I think those types of thoughts and say those type of comments I feel energized, excited - kind of like a racehorse dancing at the gate ready to run and WIN the race.

Now the old pessimist in all of us want to say something to the effect of "yea, right. This is crap".

And thats fine - if you are content with what you are getting out of your day.

But for those who are just plain tired of feeling sick and tired and hating to get up and out of bed in the morning - this might be just the trick for you.

With awareness, "listen" to those negative thoughts and with intent "catch" them, turn it around and feel the power.

Q: How do you turn your day around?

The Emperor Moth story

"The emperor moth is the most majestic species among all the moths. It has wide wings spanning out majestically when it flies. Before it can become a full grown moth, it has to be a pupa in a cocoon. Now, the interesting fact about the moth’s cocoon is that the neck of the cocoon is very narrow.

In order that it become a moth, the pupa of the moth must squeeze its way out of the narrow neck.

One day a man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. He sat and watched the moth struggling to force the body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck.

Then the man being kind decided to help the moth. So he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He expected that the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. A few days later, it died.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight. Once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the emperor moth of health.

The only way out - is through. --Robert Frost

Was it worth it? HELL yes.

Today

I sat and I cried

the longest

saddest

tears.

I thought

it would never stop.

But it did.

No longer scared.

No longer alone.

I can climb any mountain

sing any song.

Today I was set free.

I drew this "self portrait" a year and a half ago. I was in a very dark and lonely place. My world had been turned upside down - again. But - I knew that if I didnt give up and was willing to do this hard work that I would find my way out of that dark place.

Was it easy? Hell, no.

But ask me if facing the past and the pain was LESS painful than continuing to live in denial and avoidance?

Hell, yes.

Now - ask me if it was worth it.

HELL yes.

Stay tuned.


Haiku: Tears wash the soul free

Living long, living well

"She told me that she owes her longevity to the Lord, that she never did drink, she never did smoke and she never did fool around," Witt said at a party marking her 115th birthday.

I caught site of this amazing article today while browsing around yahoo.com. Gertrude Baines lived alone until she was 107; her favorite things to do was to eat crispy bacon, fried chicken and watch Jerry Springer.

This article comes following the announcement this week about Albert Lea Minnesota being named the national model for applying the principles in the Blue Zone, a study of longevity and centenarians around the globe.

Here's a quick overview of the project - check out the program in its entirety at the AARP's website.

During the six weeks, participants in project will learn the key themes of the project:

• Week 1: An introduction to Blue Zones and the Vitality Compass

• Week 2: Creating and improving social networks

• Week 3: Rethinking how you eat: Making food choices that will extend longevity

• Week 4: Building physical activity and movement into everyday life

• Week 5: Identifying life’s purpose

• Week 6: Making your community healthier through changing the walkability, bikeability and food options.

I think that too often those of us who have come to that place in life where we can wear that badge of honor and carry the title "survivor" we may have lost sight of what we can do ourselves to improve our lives and lifestyles. We've been living in "Survivor" mode and forget that there is more to life than managing symptoms and fighting flashbacks.

These articles about Gertrude Baines and the Vitality Project are great reminders that there are plenty of choices to be made and actions we can take. Every day we have choices and opportunities to create the world and life we choose to live every day now, in this moment.

Maybe this is a good time to remember that we are survivors and take a minute to look at what our focus is and what we could do today to take back our lives...and start to enjoy the ride again.