Creator? Or Constant Victim? Yeah...I was done with that!

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Victim? Rescuer? Perpetrator or Troublemaker?

We all play these roles at different times and sometimes in the same situation. 

Learning to recognize this is how I learned to change it.

The benefit was that learning this helped me to learn how to cultivate healthy vs dependent relationships.

This empowered me to begin to stop recreating the pattern of abuse in my life that left me feeling powerless over my own life yet feeling responsible for everyone else's life.

On top of that this knowledge helped me to feel more confident about life and the world in general.

Why?

Because I was now in creator of my best life vs. a constant victim of life. :)

~

Psssst!


Keep your eyes open! Things are a growing and changing here in my world and I've got some irons in the fire! 


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With love and appreciation for sharing the journey,


Susan Ks.

Less than perfect

What a concept. To be less than perfect and be ok.

Today was a not so great day at work. I fumbled and bumbled through my presentation to a group that really doesnt want to be there. Today there was snickering, doodling and sleeping going on all the while I am being paid big bucks to come into this company and facilitate a group that does not appear to want to be facilitated.

So I left today feeling less than accomplished. Much less.

I wanted to cry. I started to focus on and point the finger at those who could be identified as "troublemakers" if we were in 3rd grade. Then I started to beat myself up - "idiot" and "stupid" are old aquaintences whom I have not seen for some time but today were asking to come in - very loudly they were asking to come in.

So I stopped. And looked around me. And realized that today was one of those days that I didn't get that external validation of a job well done by the way of a smile, a nod or a "that's so great" type pat on the back. Today I didnt get any of that.

What I did get was awareness and a lesson.

I became aware of those voices from the past that bubble up when I am less than "perfect".

I became more aware of the shame that follows those types of thoughts and the isolation and desire to hide from the world when I am less than "perfect".

And I became aware that I could choose to follow those mean voices of the past, those thoughts that take me back down that old, beaten path of self hatred, the loneliness and isolation that surely follows.

And I became aware that today - I won.

Change is inevitable...

In this journey, change is inevitable - although for us who have come from not so healthy backgrounds, those from our past may not appreciate it as we change and grow.

As we learn to treat ourselves with respect and practice setting personal boundaries, we might begin to hear some "change back messages" and find ourselves having to grieve a new loss as we realize that some of those relationships may not grow with us.

Anytime a ghost from the past insists that you do something - or not do something - or risk some consequence....or if someone calls you out on your mental health issues and says they are "worried that your (mh) is causing this change in your behavior"....and they want things to go back to the way they were....are examples of "change back" messages.

Or maybe it becomes all about them and their right to do or say whatever they want without regard to how it affects you. In other words - they believe it is their right to abuse you and you are not allowed to say that you dont like it. They may call it "taking care of themselves" or "being assertive". I call it being rude, insensitive and aggressive when others attempt to barge into my personal space or bully me into submission.

These are the old "dont think, dont talk, dont feel" messages that a lot of us grew up with. This is one way that we learned to accept unacceptable behaviors in others and stay in abusive relationships as adults - because we were not allowed to say "I dont like this" and be heard.

Another good one is when it is along the lines of "if you cared about me you would....". In a healthy relationship you are free to be who you are without this type of emotional blackmail.

Or maybe they throw a good dose of emotional abuse in the mix and say things like "you may be doing ok, but I doubt it"....these kinds of statements are from an abusive past and can fuel self doubt, shame and anxiety.

It's sad when relationships change like this - when we realize that not everyone likes it when we begin to heal from the damage of childhood "issues". This is another part of the "hard work" of healing from a broken past.

I found a good quote on the subject that gives me encouragement when I have to stand up to those "change back" messages and be true to myself...

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.

Alice Walker

What is a "change back" message you have heard in your journey?