True or False: my healing and happiness is dependent on someone or something outside of myself changing

Here's a "true or false" question...

"Changing my life begins with changing the people in my life or the circumstances of my life"

This is partially true.

Living this self-empowered life has brought changes, many good changes, to my life. But not one of them was because of what someone else did or a circumstance that affected these changes.

The change from within is what changed my life.

True - when we change us, oftentimes our relationships will evolve or even go the wayside as we become healthier and learn how to identify unhealthy relationships and find ourselves with a new tolerance for behaviors that are no longer tolerable.

And true again - sometimes in this life changing process of healing, hope and self discovery our environment and life circumstance changes as we grow and begin to reach for and live in our full potential.

But unless we change from the inside out...we'll wake up beside a different spouse/partner and find ourselves living the same drama at home, at work, in our relationships and life circumstances - because no matter what external changes we make in our life...we still wake up with us every day.

Over the years, I'd heard the idea that I could only change me, that I can run from my problems but would still wake up with me every day, that I was powerless to change others, I could only change myself.

But I didn't get it.

Until I started looking inside myself for the source of my miserableness instead of searching outside myself for the next right job, partner, spouse, house, car, therapist, doctor, pill - that would "fix" me or make me smile - at least until I became miserable again.

Then the quest would start over as I shopped, ate (or didn't eat), drank, fought, argued and once again re-created the drama that indicated that it was time once again to make some external change.

And for awhile my world was in order - as long as I could orchestrate my life - but god help anyone or anything that didn't fit into my plan of how life should look.

I was dependent on external source - people, places and things - to derive my sense of worth and happiness from.

I was living in a cycle. And it was exhausting.

When I finally depleted all of the external resources and exhausted my personal energy in my quest to live and be happy I found the best resource that would change my life.

Me.

And this takes us back to the topic of "Labels" as one of those internal changes that changed my life, my mood, my dependence on people, places and things outside of myself in my search for health and happiness.

It is possible to create change and live the life we choose without having to "hit bottom". Knowledge is empowering and finding our own personal truth sets us free; I hope you'll join me here again as we continue this quest and lay the foundation for you to find your own answers and learn how to live your own truth that sets you free.

Your feedback is appreciated and helpful...please leave your thoughts, comments or questions about this idea of internal vs. external changes....

Have fun creating your own best day ever!

Thought for today...letting go of labels

For a very long time I lived my "labels"...they became who I was. When I thought of myself I thought of myself as the label given to identify the diagnosis and symptoms of my struggle. I found freedom when I started using diagnosis and symptoms as tools instead of taking them on as who I was and began to define myself as happy, kind, intelligent, thoughtful and brilliant....

Thought for today...giving up was no longer an option

In this journey of healing and self discovery...once I made the decision that giving up - "acting out" and lashing out at others or "acting in" with depression, dissociation, addiction, self harming behavior - was no longer an option - it was then that I was able to begin to see my solutions...and that it resided within me.

If you are looking for ideas on how to create you own best life try starting with the Resources tab at the top of this page. It's not an exhaustive collection by any means but a good place to start :)

Please leave your feedback, share your own success' or ask your questions in the comments section...

If you would like to be notified of new content, please go to the sidebar to subscribe to the rss feed or email updates.I'm glad you stopped by today!

Sometimes this just sucks rocks...BIG rocks

Sometimes this journey sucks. It just plain sucks...rocks. Big Rocks.

And sometimes I just have to poke fun at myself, like catching myself with the infamous "yeah - but" response to anyone who tried to coax me into looking at the glass half full...

Are you a citizen of the country that speaks "yabut"? ie Yeah - but it won't happen for me because of (fillintheblankcheckhere).

I didn't realize that I was creating my life by accepting the limiting perspective that was given to me by the well intentioned folks who were telling me that "mental illness is for life". I have since learned that I can "write my own check" and make my life what I want it to be - instead of what someone else tells me it is.

Did you know that you can write your own ticket to the city named anywhereintheworld? But you'll have to leave the country of yabut first!

And once I learned to be aware of and to challenge that "glass half full" thinking, I was able to decide that regardless of what others had to say...that I had the power to choose and create my best life each and every day.

If you believe you can - you most likely will. If you believe you can't - you most likely won't.

And it all began with believing there were options other that what I had been told were available to me. The journey has been bumpy for sure on somedays but I am finally the artist and my life is the canvas.

Have fun creating your best life ever today!

****

Please leave your feedback, share your own success' or ask your questions in the comments section...

If you would like to be notified of new content, please go to the sidebar to subscribe to the rss feed or email updates.

If you are looking for ideas on how to create you own best life try starting with the Resources tab at the top of this page. It's not an exhaustive collection by any means but a good place to start :)



I'm glad you stopped by today!

A Walk In Compassion

Photo Credit

I will live in compassion

I will walk a path of peace

no longer judging

I’m living free

I will live in compassion

I will be free

can you walk in compassion

can you let your soul free

can you reach out your hand

and say “follow me”

you’ll find your way

your truth and your light

when you’re able to lay down

when you give up that fight

then I'll walk in compassion

my soul will be free

torment no more

in my eyes they will see

the human condition 

such as it is

a walk in compassion

my heart open and free

loving the others

in spite of what they did to me

letting it go

won’t make them free

but it takes me

closer to peace

~Susan March 2010

Listening in the Chaos of the Storm

Changing old patterns of behavior can be tough. It can be hard, difficult, feel unamanagable and in general this process can simply...suck.

It's that place where we stand in that fork in the road and feel totally naked, stripped of all common sense, shaking and shivering in the elements very similar to standing at the top of that mountain in a snowstorm.

We are afraid. Our teeth may be chattering, our limbs feel weak as we try to see through the blizzard, that place of chaos in our minds.

And we are not sure what to do about this mess that is our lives.

Well meaning folk-friends, doctors, therapists and so on, are telling us what to do and how to "fix" it. Suggestions are coming freely but solutions are beyond our reach.

And at some point as we stand in the storm, we choose. We choose to take our own action, find our own solutions, and find our peace at whatever the price may be.

And we step off the edge of the mountain, we lean forward into the winds of change....and we trust.

We begin to calm the noise all around us as we focus not so much on the pain of the past anymore but on the vision and hope of the future that lies at our feet waiting to be had.

And we listen.

We calm the storm within ourselves, we step away quietly from the chaos that has become our lives...and we listen, really listen to our "self".

We stand at that mountain top and calm the noise in our heads, the pain in our hearts, the raveged soul waiting to be set free.

And we listen. And in the calm we will find that which is holding us back, preventing our freedom.

And we let go.

And begin to trust the process of healing; to begin to grieve that which was....and that which will never be.

Sometimes in the beginning, the quiet is short lived and the noise and busyness of avoiding this grief takes over once again.

But in time, with practice, we find that when we are able to follow the grief into the wind that this is where we find freedom.

Because we listen. And we trust. Ourselves, the process.

And we begin to soar.

Once the Tears Have Dried

I have debated about publishing this post...but have chosen to do so because part of healing from the pain of the past can often include grieving how our own issues of "mental illness" or PTSd has affected others. Our friends, families and of course - the children.

Whatever label that we attach to our issues/symptoms in this journey the outcome is quite often similar for many of us. We have been changed from who we might have been had our life experiences been different.

The adult survivor of child hood issues struggles to develop and maintain the social connections that enhance our lives. A pervasive sense of powerlessness perpetuates a state of dependence and there is no hope that life will ever be more than surviving one day to the next.

The father who played with his daughter before he left for war becomes irritable, sullen, explosive. The mother who nursed her infant who is raped and is no longer kind and gentle but is lost in her own world where alcohol, drugs or cutting is the only relief from the torment of the noise in her head.

Today's post takes us to that place where we can talk about how our issues in those darkest places of our journey become manageable as we learn to embrace the pain of the past and live in today, creating the life we choose each day.

*****

Trauma makes us different.

And that realization sucked when I woke up out of the fog and realized just how different.

Control issues. Irritability. Blowing up for no visible reason. Depressed to the point of wishing to be anywhere but here; I did not want to die, only to know how to live. Wild spending sprees that served to help me avoid my emotional pain but served no other purpose. A mind that seemed to race of it's own accord, distorted thoughts that left me feeling paranoid, delusional. Isolation became my refuge.

So guarded and cautious of the future, so stifled by stuffing the past - that I missed so many "now" moments with my children and not realizing that I was missing "life" as I fought to forget the past. Insomnia, sleep deprivation, flashbacks, nightmares and fighting demons that were no longer there. I had become a different person than the mother who cradled and rocked her infants to sleep.

I was hurting the ones I loved in order to protect myself from the pain that would have brought healing.

And this is part of the "hard work" of finding freedom from the past, of healing.

Being able to see the past for what it was. Being able to own how my "crazy" affected and injured my children. Innocents.

They are now grown. But the pain sometimes creeps in when I am reminded of the years lost to the demons of the darkness of a past forgotten but not gone, emotional pain avoided rather than embraced and experienced.

The price paid to live in denial and avoidance.

I didn't know that I could learn to be free of the pain that I fought so hard to control and avoid. I knew that I didn't like the person I was when I was lost in the fog of PTSd aka mental illness. I didn't see that I had any power to control or change my reactive state of being. And while I knew that something was not "right", I didn't know how to "fix" it.

But today I can feel the sadness, the loss of those years, the moments I missed.

Today instead of hiding in shame I can own how my past affected their future. I can grieve. I can cry. I can embrace the emotional pain of my own past...today I can do this and stay present.

Grieving what was, what was lost and what will never be since I can't go back and have a "do over" and raise my children without the crazy's of PTSd aka "mental illness".

And once the tears have dried again, remembering what I do have today. The new relationship that we have created based on trust, respect and love. The hopes, the dreams, sharing the success' and challenges of life.

This is the reward for doing that "hard work" of taking back my life from the darkness that haunted - and hunted me - for so many years.

This is the payoff.

Finally being able to create and live the life of my choice today and every day...

...free of the demons of the past.

See my related post...Today I cried

****

Thank you for stopping by today. Here is where I share my journey through the maze of "mental illness" by sharing parts of my story and some of the steps I have taken to be able to create and live best life each day.

It is possible to be free of the demons of the past. If you are looking for resources I've posted some links here. Not an exhaustive collection by any means but a good place to start :)

If you have any comments, feedback or questions I would like to invite you to leave them in the comments section...

If you would like to be notified of new content, please go to the sidebar to subscribe to the rss feed or email updates.

Boy...I'm glad I found my marbles!

I have been in a somber place for awhile now.

Thoughtful. Meditative.

Moving from one thing to another. Flitting and unfocused. Moving forward each day but not making progress really. Dealing but am I coping?

And I'd have to say no, I think I could do better.

In Peter Pan, who was it that said "I've lost my marbles"?

Well, I've not lost but I think I've misplaced my joy; the daily pleasures that keep me free to live my best life each day.

I realized that today as I started to put order to my kitchen after a couple of weeks of "busy" that snuck up on me.

I had noticed that mail was piling up, I was avoiding doing dishes when they needed to be done, I'd stopped making my bed...little things that in and of themselves don't mean much more than perhaps I was feeling rushed at some point, but when I started noticing and adding up that more than one part of my life was beginning to feel chaotic again I have to ask myself "what's up with that"...

So today I just stopped. I looked around and began to sort the mail. I tossed the junk and put the bills in the bills file. I loaded the dishwasher. I cleared off the bar over my sink of photo's and other keepsakes that had found a home there.

And I began to cry.

As the release of tears began to free me from the stress I had been experiencing, I realized that in the busy-ness of day to day living that once again I had neglected the most important part of this thing called "life"; I had ignored me.

I had become so "busy" that I had neglected the things that make life worth living. Time to play ball with my dog or practice "roll over". I had been missing the joy that I find in how her ears perk up and her tail wags at the word "ball".

I was missing the joy of waking to a new day and found myself going through the motions of living, but was I "living"?

Neglecting to take care of things as they come up like mail, dishes, laundry...was akin to to setting myself up to feel stressed and overwhelmed. A sense of out-of-controllness that makes me begin to feel helpless and frozen.

My focus once again became that of "surviving" the chaos, just getting through the day...instead of living in that place of confidence, of knowing that all is well and the peace that comes from that sense of knowing that I am in control of my life and no longer at the mercy of others whims as it was in my past.

I played ball with my dog and laughed as she looked between her legs as the ball rolled underneath her belly...

I finished the dishes, cleared the clutter from the bar and turned on some soothing music, took a deep cleansing breath and smiled at how quickly I was able to get beyond the chaos and return to me.

Whew.

I'm glad I found my marbles :)

Photo credit to: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/112/316864255_9340804834.jpg

What a h00t!

If you haven't had the chance to stop by and meet Christina over on the BlissChick today would be a good day to stop by and read how she found herself celebrating in her pants :) and find that feel-good moment as you read how she has reclaimed her true "self". It's absolutely amazing to me just how resilient we as humans can be sometimes.

And it is so inspiring to see how we can reach out to one another, cheering each other on, sharing our accomplishments, our joys and even those days that if we were neighbors I might duck-and-run to get inside before anyone see's me kind of days.

So today - if you're feeling a bit down and out of sorts, why not just drop by the blog site of a friend you haven't seen in awhile and drop a smily face in the comments of their latest blog post...

Or shoot an email to someone you haven't heard from for awhile to simply say "Hi, I've been thinking of you"...

Or find an old photo of yourself with another and post it on your Facebook profile with a tag to say "Your the best!"....

Sometimes coming out of ourselves for a minute and touching the life of another is all we need to feel better.

Thank you for letting me touch your world even for just a minute today...:)

Good Things

I see good things

In my mind

I see good things

Is what I will find

When I see good things

In my mind

Less than perfect

What a concept. To be less than perfect and be ok.

Today was a not so great day at work. I fumbled and bumbled through my presentation to a group that really doesnt want to be there. Today there was snickering, doodling and sleeping going on all the while I am being paid big bucks to come into this company and facilitate a group that does not appear to want to be facilitated.

So I left today feeling less than accomplished. Much less.

I wanted to cry. I started to focus on and point the finger at those who could be identified as "troublemakers" if we were in 3rd grade. Then I started to beat myself up - "idiot" and "stupid" are old aquaintences whom I have not seen for some time but today were asking to come in - very loudly they were asking to come in.

So I stopped. And looked around me. And realized that today was one of those days that I didn't get that external validation of a job well done by the way of a smile, a nod or a "that's so great" type pat on the back. Today I didnt get any of that.

What I did get was awareness and a lesson.

I became aware of those voices from the past that bubble up when I am less than "perfect".

I became more aware of the shame that follows those types of thoughts and the isolation and desire to hide from the world when I am less than "perfect".

And I became aware that I could choose to follow those mean voices of the past, those thoughts that take me back down that old, beaten path of self hatred, the loneliness and isolation that surely follows.

And I became aware that today - I won.

Free Fallin' John Mayer

So yes; this song is about something other than where I'm coming from today...but the chorus...free fallin'...is what I'm hearing today...

Yes; you can

A Pantene commercial with extraordinary deliverance of a message for you today..

Yes.

Whatever it is that is your nemisis.

The message today is

Yes.

You can overcome it.

Yes

You can find your way.

Very simply.

Yes yes yes

You can.

I accept no label other than "human". ~Gianna Kali

Finding your voice...artist John Mayer and "say"

Dancing in the storm...

Life’s not about waiting for the storms to pass… it’s about learning to dance in the rain. ~ BJ Gallagher

This is the "hard work"

In this journey, sometimes the pain is huge. Somedays are better than others. Some nights are longer than others. What I have found is good though - by feeling this pain instead of avoiding it - "it" no longer consumes my life.

I don't have to analyze it or understand it. It is. It hurts inside. I sob and shake. I let it roll over me but no longer do I have to say that it doesnt matter. What I was given as a child and adolescent that I didnt need was not right. The life I got as a result of this and coping skills that I didnt get have made my life a game of trying to "figure out" where I stand in this world.

But I cant change it and trying to avoid "it" and what "it" gave me in life has served only to steal many todays as I lived in the pain of my past. Dissociation, depression, drugs, alcohol or any number of the other "addictions" that I used to shut it all out - avoiding "it" did not make "it" go away.

But then this is the "hard work" - the facing of "it" and what I got from "it" and how "it" affected my life and life choices - to face it and feel the pain doesnt make "it" go away; but it does help me to find some freedom in today as I try to put this all to rest and become who I choose to be today.

So, while this is one of those moments where the pain is such that I would rather shut down I know that if I choose instead to face it - to feel the feelings - it will no longer own me. It's "hugeness" becomes managable, I dont have to "go away" to get away from it.