Writing a New Ending to the Trauma Experience

Background photo credit here

This picture hangs on the wall by my front door. I created it as a part of my healing process to exemplify my experience of what it was like for me to "go through" the pain to "get out of" that dark place of shame and claim my "me-ness" which btw - was the exact place where I discovered that in spite of the past, the traumas, I could begin to create my best life each day. This is where I made the mind-shift to lay claim to one of my tag lines...

"No longer a victim and more than a survivor; creating and living my best life!"

Today let's take a look at part of the insight - those "aha!" moments - that led me down this path...

What's the diff between "story" and "story"?

What I've found along the way is that I would often get stuck in "story"...

the "reliving" of the past where nothing good ever came of the situation.

This is that place where I am literally "stuck" in the anger and injustice at the past.

Where I'm focussed on those people who wronged me

the situations and circumstances where I felt powerless and indeed may have been powerless - like a car accident, an abuse situation, or where I trusted someone and was betrayed.

This is "rumination".

This is where I lived in resentment

and grudges.

My anger was often justified at those things - those people places and things that I had put my trust in and in some way I was injured.

But I have since learned to use this anger to propel me through the healing journey.

How?

By recognizing "anger" as part of the natural human healing process

and

with intention

moving from the anger at the injustice and pain

through the emotional healing process

to reach the grief

the tears

the deep inner wounds

and let go

of the idea of finding justice where there may be none

accepting that I was truly powerless in this situation

that ruminating it over and over will not create a different outcome

or give me power to force justice for my pain

and in letting go of the "anger"

and telling the "story" over and over in my head and to anyone who would listen

I was able to get to my "story"

embrace and integrate the pain of the past

into my today

and allow the end to finally be written

in my tears.

Haiku

Listen in to how I learned to use anger to fuel my healing and find freedom from the pain of the past Empowering Solutions: Letting Go of the Battle

Q: How have you made that shift from "story" to creating the ending, finding closure and creating your best life in spite of past traumas?

Looking Up

"Looking up"

Photo by Susan

2010 July 15

Besides being inquisitive, curious and not easily satisfied by "pat answers" that are meant to pacify, I also enjoy taking photos and sometimes as I load them into my computer to put them away I "see" something....

And this photo that I snapped yesterday was one of those times.

It was a moment in time - a moment that I have come to know as my "now" or my "life"...the life I had been searching for for years; griping that I wanted (I need to "get a life") and jealous that others had what I didn't (yea, well, easy for her/him...) and bitter over what I did have (which was never "good enough" or "right enough") and resentful over what I had had (if only...then...)

And in this moment of time that was my entire life (because that moment was all I "had" at that time - nothing else existed outside of it...) I sat in the yard, watching the dogs romp (did I really just use the word "romp"?!)...ok, well they were playing - in the moment:)...neither the past nor the future affecting this "moment" of joy they had created.

And as I leaned back in the adirondack chair that had been so welcoming to me and looked up...I snapped this photo and realized as I titled it in my photo album

"Looking up"

just how metaphorical this snapshot in time was.

It was a "moment" in time that "stood still".

It was also a really good portrayal of the "light" that is sometimes slightly hidden by the dense jungle we must forge through to get to the light.

At first look when I imported this "snapshot of time"...I saw the thick leaves and branches of the tree.

And as I continued to look - I began to notice the light that shined through the dense foliage.

And how in this journey there is plenty of "dense foliage", underbrush, tangled weeds and unchartered territory that we forge through to reach the light...

And I realized that in my own journey I finally was able to focus on the light instead of the jungle and it was the light that guided me to freedom.

**

Q: Is there a "light" that keeps you motivated to continue to put one foot in front of the other when life "sucks"?

Accepting Peace

Photo Credit

When we cannot accept our suffering we cannot accept peace either. Resisting our trials and struggling against them, holding ourselves closed in resistance, poised for battle we are blocking the peace that comes when we can open ourselves to and embrace not the pain in itself but the acceptance of the experience as a life lesson that has become our teacher. ~ A Zebism

This thought stemmed from a conversation with a friend who is experiencing some terrible pain and aguish…and caused me to ask the question "why do I not feel as though I am suffering"... the cognitive and emotional distress that I once did that was the impetuous for the many "diagnosis" I wore those years I was seeking my answers from the mental health providers.

And it came down to this zen-like idea of "acceptance".

In western style thinking it was "letting go of why" and making that mind-shift to ""it is" and it is something that I cannot control or change".

This is where that change happened for me.

Check back tomorrow to see the note I posted in my Facebook account titled "Paying Homage To The Past" and how letting go of being "mad at the world" freed me to grieve the losses of a lifetime.

In the meantime - check this article out over at Urban Monk about the denial and acceptance of suffering….and compassion.

And may the light shine for you today that you may find peace in your pain.

Namaste.

Another post you may enjoy -"I became the student who was ready" and this one from my tumblr blog "be dorothy do a nike" about that leap of faith it takes somedays.

Q: What is it that influences your level of peace when you are experiencing the suffering of emotional or cognitive (thoughts) symptoms of distress?

Abuse Disguised – the “grooming” behind learning to tolerate the intolerable

Photo credit here

Recently over on the blog Emerging From Broken (EFB) Carla Dippel wrote a post she titled "Groomed to doubt in Spiritual Abuse”.

The response by the readers was first, immediate, second impassioned and third overwhelming as nearly 50 comments were made on this post within minutes of it's arrival. This was clearly a subject that touched the hearts of many on this issue of how we are often "groomed" by those around us to learn to "tolerate the intolerable".

You can read the post I wrote recently on "Abuse: I didn't know that I didn't know" ”....because of the "grooming" that goes on as we are trained to tolerate abuse to such a point that it becomes our "normal".

I wanted to add this post-script to my first comment EFB, but for some reason I was unable to post this as a comment, so I am posting it here on “A Journey” because it is such an important issue that we learn to recognize that what we may have come to know as “normal” may in fact be abuse that we have simply learned to tolerate.

My comment/response to Carla’s post on how she experienced the spiritual abuse as she was groomed in the church to doubt herself…

I also experienced this form of abuse that you describe here, Carla....and have since come to rely on my better judgment to avoid anyone or any place/organization (including therapists, doctors as well as "pastors or anyone else) that puts themselves above another, judges another or tries to tell me "you can’t do it without _________" or "you need __________ .

What I have found is that "spiritual" is wayyyy different than "church" - and the people in it - and no one has the right to decide for me what I "need" or "need to do"- whether they are with a religious organization, a personal relationship, a professional/work relationship or a caretaker.

Anytime anyone is telling another person how to live their life, criticize their life choices, their thoughts, ideas, opinions and decisions, ridicule, shame and embarrass another in order to force compliance...."or else".. or "you can't do this without me/us"....this is power and control du jour.

Abuse of any form is about "doing" not "being" a person....it's about doing it "right enough" or "good enough".

And often we never know what it "Right" or "good" because it changes and we are dependent on others to "feed" us for a day, tell us what to do, how to live, what’s my answer, "fix me" - and those who are attempting to exert this control over others thoughts, feelings and actions does whatever they must to keep their victims in line, doubting themselves and dependent on the abuser for validation, approval, love and acceptance.

It doesn't matter if it is a church or a specific religion, a family, a dating relationship, a therapist, doctor, friend, father, mother, sister, brother, lover, friend an employer - or a comment in a thread online.

Abuse is not selective and is in all life arenas and is all about telling another what to do, how to do it and when to do it....and "you are wrong if you believe differently than I do or try to do it in any other way"- and "you can't do it without me/us/it".

When we learn to identify "abuse" and learn how to not be a victim, to live a self empowered life free of dependence on others for validation and the need for acceptance at any price - we are empowered to protect ourselves from predators no matter what "church" they belong to (or any other abusive relationship.)

And I think those who are seeking for answers in others - in people places and things outside of themselves - will continue be prey for those seeking the thrill of power who will do whatever is necessary to keep the "sheep" in line.

Learning to live a self empowered life is much more than living in a chronic state of fear or hyper-vigilance on the lookout for the next “abuser” or “perpetrator” from home, work, church…whatever the source of the power/control issues.

It’s about learning how to no longer be a victim and creating the life we choose for ourselves each day…trusting ourselves instead of relying on others to define our reality and being “on guard” for the next abuser.

Back to basics when life gets messy

Aaarrgg. Piles of mail, newspapers, junk mail. Files, projects, work, phone calls. Accounting - ugh!

I don't know about you - but this journey can get messy sometimes. In more ways than one.

Often I've noticed over the years how my life and environment seem to somehow be magically connected. When my mind is racing, I'm not sleeping and I"m fighting triggers, depression and all the other nasties that come along with mental health issues - it is often reflected in my environment.

I've also noticed that during these times I had struggled more with relationships that weren't working, I felt angry at others and didn't recognize that I had fallen back into the old pattern of being passive about my boundaries, my wants, my needs. I was again sacrificing my own peace of mind in order to "keep the peace".

Often, I would find myself expecting others to meet my needs instead of living as that new stronger and self sufficient, self empowered me. I would sulk when I was ignored instead of taking some action to meet my own needs or I would rage as I fought to force someone to fulfill my need to be accepted and my existence validated.

Or the opposite would happen as I would fight back and claim power by attempting to control others as I would try to bully them into being who I needed them to be - at the price of sacrificing my own power and in the process attempting to steal theirs as I fought to control my world by attempting to control others.

But today it's different. Today I can can practice recognizing these thoughts of inadequacy, feelings of shame and efforts to validate my existence through the compliance or approval of others as indicators not as a reminder of how imperfect I am - but as road signs, as a flag waving in the air telling me that this is from the past and I am valid just as I am, with no further qualification.

I just am.

And that is enough.

So I can stop, take a deep breath. And keep my life on track, continue to choose and create my best life every day.

With this awareness of my own self, I no longer have the need to look to the world for validation and can take a step back, be ok, and open the mail, file the bills and know that I am on the right path.

That I am no longer a victim and living a life far beyond "survival" mode.

In the Beginning...Laying the Foundation for Healing

For years I was dependent on others - doctors, therapists - to tell me what was "wrong" with me...and I wanted them to "fix" me. After all...they were the professionals.

In this mindset I was giving away my power and reinforcing that deep, hidden belief that I was not enough, I was powerless to change my life, that I would not find peace, joy and happiness on my own.

I lost all hope for a better tomorrow as I floundered in my today, living in the nightmare and emotional turmoil of the darkness of "symptoms" and "diagnosis".

But I learned that I AM enough and that outside resources can be a tool, a guide, a support to me as I learn how to interact with and be a part of a world that for so long was so not safe.

And the first "tool" that I found was the one that I held within myself and the one tool that by identifying it and learning to recognize it, use it....would be the foundation for all that came in the future.

I wrote about this in the post Knowledge is Power and Truth Sets Us Free.

Awareness. With intention.

What I've since learned is that this tool is first, not a part of the mainstream treatments that I was familiar with.

And second, this ancient tool is currently being studied and applied in other more holistic mainstream methodologies.

So, with intention and attendance I began to find my way out of a chronic state of dissociation, depression and deep anxiety and panic. I began to become aware of "me". My thoughts, my feelings/emotions, my energy, my body, my behaviors which I learned was simply an expression of everything going on within myself.

In the beginning, practicing the use of this tool was difficult since I had become so out of tune with my whole self in order to avoid the emotional pain and the physical sensations that reeked of the abuse I had experienced.

But as I practiced, initially I could maintain awareness for just a second, or two or three. But with practice I developed a skill that today serves me well as I continue to walk this new path of confidence and self reliance, a part of the larger world that today I can view more as that benevolent place where I am safe.

Boy...I'm glad I found my marbles!

I have been in a somber place for awhile now.

Thoughtful. Meditative.

Moving from one thing to another. Flitting and unfocused. Moving forward each day but not making progress really. Dealing but am I coping?

And I'd have to say no, I think I could do better.

In Peter Pan, who was it that said "I've lost my marbles"?

Well, I've not lost but I think I've misplaced my joy; the daily pleasures that keep me free to live my best life each day.

I realized that today as I started to put order to my kitchen after a couple of weeks of "busy" that snuck up on me.

I had noticed that mail was piling up, I was avoiding doing dishes when they needed to be done, I'd stopped making my bed...little things that in and of themselves don't mean much more than perhaps I was feeling rushed at some point, but when I started noticing and adding up that more than one part of my life was beginning to feel chaotic again I have to ask myself "what's up with that"...

So today I just stopped. I looked around and began to sort the mail. I tossed the junk and put the bills in the bills file. I loaded the dishwasher. I cleared off the bar over my sink of photo's and other keepsakes that had found a home there.

And I began to cry.

As the release of tears began to free me from the stress I had been experiencing, I realized that in the busy-ness of day to day living that once again I had neglected the most important part of this thing called "life"; I had ignored me.

I had become so "busy" that I had neglected the things that make life worth living. Time to play ball with my dog or practice "roll over". I had been missing the joy that I find in how her ears perk up and her tail wags at the word "ball".

I was missing the joy of waking to a new day and found myself going through the motions of living, but was I "living"?

Neglecting to take care of things as they come up like mail, dishes, laundry...was akin to to setting myself up to feel stressed and overwhelmed. A sense of out-of-controllness that makes me begin to feel helpless and frozen.

My focus once again became that of "surviving" the chaos, just getting through the day...instead of living in that place of confidence, of knowing that all is well and the peace that comes from that sense of knowing that I am in control of my life and no longer at the mercy of others whims as it was in my past.

I played ball with my dog and laughed as she looked between her legs as the ball rolled underneath her belly...

I finished the dishes, cleared the clutter from the bar and turned on some soothing music, took a deep cleansing breath and smiled at how quickly I was able to get beyond the chaos and return to me.

Whew.

I'm glad I found my marbles :)

Photo credit to: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/112/316864255_9340804834.jpg

Unchain my heart...

What if.

What if I don't do this right?

What if you do?

What if I can't get to sleep again?

What if you do?

What if he/she doesn't call?

What if they do?

What if I don't get this job, they don't like me, I don't get this done, have another nightmare, get triggered...

Forecasting a potential outcome is something that I got really good at in "managing" my post trauma response. I mean - it's one of the main characters in this play, right? Forecasting and planning ahead to avoid trigger situations in order to avoid the possibility of initiating another flashback, starting up the nightmares once they have finally stopped. The benchmark of the post trauma response.

But while this skill of avoiding the overwhelming sense of a loss of control was helpful to avoid the immediate sense of loss, fear, rage at the injustice of what we are experiencing at the time of the trauma situation - once we are beyond the long arm of that experience it becomes our nemesis.

By continuing to focus on avoiding triggers something else was happening - I was losing my life.

No- not the physical, biological me that clearly is present, but my LIFE.

I was missing the bright sunshine warming my face, the freshness of the spring rain. The coolness of the morning dew, the magnificent vastness of the night sky lit with millions of far away stars and planets that I was not daydreaming about because I was working so hard at staying safe and free of the pain of the past and thinking I was controlling my fears of the future.

I was missing the hugs and kisses of my children when they were small. Or the wet, sloppy kisses from my new puppy who didn't know what was bothering me, but knew only that I was not with her in the now.

I was missing the laughter, the joy, the excitement, the grief, the sadness, the sorrow.

I was missing my LIFE.

I was missing the full range of emotions everyday that makes life life.

The now, this moment - the only thing that truly exists. I was missing all of it.

I was so focused on managing and controlling my environment and everyone in it, anticipating what I would say or do next, keeping a watchful eye out to avoid any thought, any trigger of my senses that could cause me to experience an emotion - that I was in the end, avoiding all emotions.

Living in that place where my focus was on anticipating and avoiding anything from the next minute, hour, day, week or month that could "trigger" any emotion or stir up that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that too often is the hallmark of trauma was preventing me from living my life in the now.

Living in that perpetual state of victimhood where I was over focused on controlling or avoiding sensitive situations was actually drawing out my distress and preventing me from entering the natural healing process following a serious loss.

It is a natural human response to shut down our emotions and go into "survival" mode when we are faced with a life threatening situation or to survive the daily struggles of growing up in an abusive or neglectful situation.

But as long as that continued to be my sole method of coping I was not able to move beyond surviving. I was unknowingly staying inside a prison to which the door would swing open at the precise time that I stopped holding it shut.

Knowledge is empowerment; information is the truth that set me free.

By learning about the symptoms of PTS that I was experiencing I became less afraid of them.

By learning how to not be afraid I was able to start learning and practicing new healthier ways of coping.

By learning new ways of coping I began to create the life I choose for myself and finally begin to put the past to rest.

By letting go of the bars of that prison door, the nightmare of living in a constant state of avoidance, I was able to push the door of that prison open and walk out.

I was able to begin to do the "hard work" of healing from trauma.

One step at a time I was beginning to break the chains that bound me to the past and find my freedom in today.

Hear more of my story on Blog Talk Radio with Michele Rosenthal of Heal My PTSD here.

I'm glad you are here today. Please consider leaving your comments, thoughts or questions to this post below...

Next post coming up: The Keys to the Magic Kingdom...

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In this moment...

Living in the moment...wow!

Ok. How did I learn to live in the moment was the question posed by a friend recently.

There are tons of things I have learned in this journey of moving from a life of black and white thinking to accepting all the color and experiences that life has to offer...but for this particular subject - (drum roll please!) - the answer begins with awareness.
In my journey I have found that many of the symptoms of PTSD have to do with avoidance. I would attempt to block out any type of stimulation that might trigger the intrusive memories and flashbacks of the life events that were too overwhelming for my mind to cope with.

I developed ways to avoid facing the feelings that went along with the memories. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, work....addiction and obsession in general, irritability, cutting, promiscuity and yes - dissociation. PTSD and C-PTSD survivors labeled as "disordered" and their trauma issues unaddressed may develop a variety of coping mechanisms to avoid dealing with the intrusive memories and nightmares.

In order for me to begin to heal, to live in the moment - I had to be willing to start to let go of my avoidance behaviors and learn to recognize when I was USING avoidence.

This is where things get tricky because once I opened this door - in order to stop avoiding and become aware of this moment, my LIFE - I had to acknowledge the feelings and learn to face what I was trying to avoid.

(Note: this did not mean that I had to repeatedly relive the trauma - but to face the feelings I was avoiding today that ultimately were connected to the trauma's I'd experienced)

Over the years, I had become a pro at my avoidence behaviors to the point that I was losing time, I had difficulty recalling memories and I lived a life of isolation where I could control my environment so therefore I could control what might trigger the flashbacks and nightmares.

Dissociation - was my friend who had saved my psyche from experiencing firsthand the trauma and related feelings that were overwhelming me - had now become maladaptive as it interfered with my ability to distinquish that I was no longer in danger but not ready to deal with the emotion, not ready to face the past. Helpguide.org explains the healing process very well I think:

After a traumatic experience, the mind and the body are in shock. But as you make sense of what happened and process your emotions, you come out of it. With post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), however, you remain in psychological shock. Your memory of what happened and your feelings about it are disconnected. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel your memories and emotions.

I had not "made sense" of what had happened and had developed a method of coping that was still protecting me from danger, even though I was no longer in that situation.

So - in order to begin to "live in the moment", I had to be willing to become aware of the thoughts, behaviors, feelings…that I had been avoiding. This in turn allowed me to develop emotional resilience, courage and strength as I took the baby steps necessary to grow myself up - emotionally.

This is how I "went through" the tough stuff to find my freedom from the pain of the past and learn to live today as the "creator" of my "best life".

In this moment...

In the blog Parasites of the mind Michele Rosenthal discusses the idea that we can begin to tap our own inner resources and find our own inner hero as we heal from PTSD. For me finding the inner strength to finally say "enough" to living in the past came in a moment of clarity while reading a book by Eckhart Tolle...


In his book A New Earth; Awakening to your lifes purpose Echkart Tolle discusses how this moment is your life. For some reason I found that to be the most amazing idea. All this time I was wanting to find a cure, a fix, that would allow me to move on and "get a life". Yet in one moment of awareness, I understood that I had everything I needed to "fix" myself within myself.

My life had been consumed with trying to avoid the intrusive thoughts and anything that might trigger them. I was mesmerized by the racing thoughts in my head and an internal sense of victimization to such a degree that I had lost sight of the moment...the moments that I had lost because I was "stuck" in time as I relived the trauma situations of my life, thinking about what had happened, imagining things I could have done or said differently to have prevented the situation, the mistakes I had made that had perhaps compounded the situation and left me feeling guilty or responsible for the situation or how others had been affected.

These racing thoughts consumed my attention during the day and intruded into my dreams at night. This state of mind kept me in a constant state of hyper vigilance - just waiting for something to happen, ready to move into the adrenalin rush of the "fight or flight" response of my body and mind.

But in the midst of all that, after years of therapy, medications and self destructive behaviors I had that moment of clarity - that I could change my life simply by changing my mind.

That meant that I had to be willing to learn how to not avoid the memories, but to embrace them, feel the feelings, grieve the loss, acknowledge the anger - I had to realize that I was now in a safe place and in total control of my mind, body and soul. Like Michele says in her blog about constructing a post trauma identity I had to recreate myself; I had the opportunity to choose what kind of person I wanted to be today, what life I wanted to live in this moment.

As a result, I have been able to gradually, in my own time and my own way, move from the black and white thinking of a victim to being able to allow the idea that maybe life is not "all good" or "all bad"...and let some color in. Eventually I was finally able to see that life was full of color like that found in a swatch of colorful plaid fabric.

I hope you are able to find the path that will allow you to live life in full color too.

Seize the moment!