Wednesday, April 21, 2010

In the Beginning...Laying the Foundation for Healing


For years I was dependent on others - doctors, therapists - to tell me what was "wrong" with me...and I wanted them to "fix" me. After all...they were the professionals.

In this mindset I was giving away my power and reinforcing that deep, hidden belief that I was not enough, I was powerless to change my life, that I would not find peace, joy and happiness on my own.

I lost all hope for a better tomorrow as I floundered in my today, living in the nightmare and emotional turmoil of the darkness of "symptoms" and "diagnosis".

But I learned that I AM enough and that outside resources can be a tool, a guide, a support to me as I learn how to interact with and be a part of a world that for so long was so not safe.

And the first "tool" that I found was the one that I held within myself and the one tool that by identifying it and learning to recognize it, use it....would be the foundation for all that came in the future.

I wrote about this in the post Knowledge is Power and Truth Sets Us Free.

Awareness. With intention.

What I've since learned is that this tool is first, not a part of the mainstream treatments that I was familiar with.

And second, this ancient tool is currently being studied and applied in other more holistic mainstream methodologies.

So, with intention and attendance I began to find my way out of a chronic state of dissociation, depression and deep anxiety and panic. I began to become aware of "me". My thoughts, my feelings/emotions, my energy, my body, my behaviors which I learned was simply an expression of everything going on within myself.

In the beginning, practicing the use of this tool was difficult since I had become so out of tune with my whole self in order to avoid the emotional pain and the physical sensations that reeked of the abuse I had experienced.

But as I practiced, initially I could maintain awareness for just a second, or two or three. But with practice I developed a skill that today serves me well as I continue to walk this new path of confidence and self reliance, a part of the larger world that today I can view more as that benevolent place where I am safe.

2 comments:

Stacy said...

Very inspiring! I have much to learn about being satified and content just being me. And I really hope to let go of my relience on others to validate my existance. I imagine I'll learn much from following your blog. I look forward to hearing more!

Susan said...

Thank you Stacy! It is so good to see you and thank you for your feedback and comment!

I so relate to what you are saying; a while back I wrote a post the day I became aware of how I needed that external validation for permission to exist...and it all began with the idea that I could gently coax myself into choosing to become aware of the thoughts that influenced those feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.

Welcome, Stacy! I hope to see you again!

Susan