Saturday, April 24, 2010

Thought for up was no longer an option

In this journey of healing and self discovery...once I made the decision that giving up - "acting out" and lashing out at others or "acting in" with depression, dissociation, addiction, self harming behavior - was no longer an option - it was then that I was able to begin to see my solutions...and that it resided within me.

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Stacy said...

It is quite a big deal for me and I think for everyone struggling with BPD issues to make that commitment to life and living and improving our skills. I don't know why but it just feels to me like my more natural instinct is to give out, to stay out of the game, to defer to a whole different way of coping.
For me, the biggest struggle so far has been to make that decision to do what's in my best interst. Then there's the issue of figuring out what's in my best interest(something I'm struggling with right now) and then there's the struggle of keeping on that path. It's really hard for me. Most days it seems worth it. Hopefully there will be more and more of those days.

Susan said...

Hi Stacy, I so appreciate your comment!

You're absolutely right about how it's a big deal to be able to make this kind of commitment...especially when life seems to be such a struggle.

"Natural instinct" is a good way of putting that impulse to stay out of the game as you said. For me - it was all I'd fall back on old ways of coping. I mean - why would anyone expect anything else of me if that was all I knew?

I know how hard it is to make the positive changes we want to make; how hard it is to follow through and feel confident about being able to first decide to act in our own best interest as you described...and then follow through. It's a huge thing and not something a lot of folks "get". For years I wondered what was "wrong" with me that I couldn't follow through on things or manage my life or have healthy happy relationships.

I'm really glad you think its worth it to do this kind of hard work. And in time I did see more and more of the "good" days and far fewer of the "bad" days.

I tried to remember - this healing journey is just that; a journey...not a one shot destination. And this kept me going, putting one foot in front of the other until I found my answers.

Thanks again for stopping by, Stacy...