For some reason lately this song has been running through my mind..."Spinning Wheel" by the group Blood Sweat and Tears from 1969.
This has been in the context of that "racing mind" that seems to go along with mental health issues, that feeling of "stuckness" and feeling of powerlessness to make the nightmares stop and...the loss of hope that my life could be anything different than what it has been..
As I thought about this song, I Googled for the meaning behind this song and found this:
Whatever is troubling you, whether it is lack of money or homelessness, it will work itself out one way or another and it's just not worth getting upset over.
For the longest time I struggled with the idea of "letting go" of the past...and all of the emotional pain - and baggage - that came with it.
And the simplest way that I can describe this "letting go" and as is in the song "ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel turn..."
Is to recognize that when I am "spinning" on the past, the pain, the betrayal, the traumas and issues that my life experience has been - as long as I'm "spinning" on it I'm simply going in circles, round and round and round. A dilemma with no end in sight.
Over time I have been able to learn to recognize when I'm "spinning" that I am often holding on to this rumination in order to validate my experiences that were denied by so many others in my lifetime...but also that as I ruminate over the pain of the past I am searching for a way to resolve the past in my today, which of course is impossible.
So I have to ask myself what is it that I am accomplishing with this re-living of these resentments and I have come to realize that this allows me to continue to avoid the emotions that are connected to the experiences in which my power was taken from me in one way or another.
That I have effectively put myself on the Merry-Go-Round and am riding the painted pony that is not going anywhere, not accomplishing anything - other than to spend my today reliving and holding on to the pain of a past that I cannot change.
But I have also learned that if I can let go and stop reliving the pain of my past...that I can ride the Merry-Go-Round with the joy and excitement of a life lived in freedom...and a peace beyond my understanding.