Friday, April 23, 2010

Back to basics when life gets messy

Aaarrgg. Piles of mail, newspapers, junk mail. Files, projects, work, phone calls. Accounting - ugh!

I don't know about you - but this journey can get messy sometimes. In more ways than one.

Often I've noticed over the years how my life and environment seem to somehow be magically connected. When my mind is racing, I'm not sleeping and I"m fighting triggers, depression and all the other nasties that come along with mental health issues - it is often reflected in my environment.

I've also noticed that during these times I had struggled more with relationships that weren't working, I felt angry at others and didn't recognize that I had fallen back into the old pattern of being passive about my boundaries, my wants, my needs. I was again sacrificing my own peace of mind in order to "keep the peace".

Often, I would find myself expecting others to meet my needs instead of living as that new stronger and self sufficient, self empowered me. I would sulk when I was ignored instead of taking some action to meet my own needs or I would rage as I fought to force someone to fulfill my need to be accepted and my existence validated.

Or the opposite would happen as I would fight back and claim power by attempting to control others as I would try to bully them into being who I needed them to be - at the price of sacrificing my own power and in the process attempting to steal theirs as I fought to control my world by attempting to control others.

But today it's different. Today I can can practice recognizing these thoughts of inadequacy, feelings of shame and efforts to validate my existence through the compliance or approval of others as indicators not as a reminder of how imperfect I am - but as road signs, as a flag waving in the air telling me that this is from the past and I am valid just as I am, with no further qualification.

I just am.

And that is enough.

So I can stop, take a deep breath. And keep my life on track, continue to choose and create my best life every day.

With this awareness of my own self, I no longer have the need to look to the world for validation and can take a step back, be ok, and open the mail, file the bills and know that I am on the right path.

That I am no longer a victim and living a life far beyond "survival" mode.


Stacy said...

Very inspiring. I have much to learn about being content with myself and just being me and taking care of me. I like your way of putting it here.

Susan said...

Thanks Stacy for dropping by again! I'm so happy to see you! It's not as complicated to do this work as it is made out to be sometimes-but it is the hardest work I've ever done. But- the payoff for my investment has been so well worth the effort!