I have been in a somber place for awhile now.
Thoughtful. Meditative.
Moving from one thing to another. Flitting and unfocused. Moving forward each day but not making progress really. Dealing but am I coping?
And I'd have to say no, I think I could do better.
In Peter Pan, who was it that said "I've lost my marbles"?
Well, I've not lost but I think I've misplaced my joy; the daily pleasures that keep me free to live my best life each day.
I realized that today as I started to put order to my kitchen after a couple of weeks of "busy" that snuck up on me.
I had noticed that mail was piling up, I was avoiding doing dishes when they needed to be done, I'd stopped making my bed...little things that in and of themselves don't mean much more than perhaps I was feeling rushed at some point, but when I started noticing and adding up that more than one part of my life was beginning to feel chaotic again I have to ask myself "what's up with that"...
So today I just stopped. I looked around and began to sort the mail. I tossed the junk and put the bills in the bills file. I loaded the dishwasher. I cleared off the bar over my sink of photo's and other keepsakes that had found a home there.
And I began to cry.
As the release of tears began to free me from the stress I had been experiencing, I realized that in the busy-ness of day to day living that once again I had neglected the most important part of this thing called "life"; I had ignored me.
I had become so "busy" that I had neglected the things that make life worth living. Time to play ball with my dog or practice "roll over". I had been missing the joy that I find in how her ears perk up and her tail wags at the word "ball".
I was missing the joy of waking to a new day and found myself going through the motions of living, but was I "living"?
Neglecting to take care of things as they come up like mail, dishes, laundry...was akin to to setting myself up to feel stressed and overwhelmed. A sense of out-of-controllness that makes me begin to feel helpless and frozen.
My focus once again became that of "surviving" the chaos, just getting through the day...instead of living in that place of confidence, of knowing that all is well and the peace that comes from that sense of knowing that I am in control of my life and no longer at the mercy of others whims as it was in my past.
I played ball with my dog and laughed as she looked between her legs as the ball rolled underneath her belly...
I finished the dishes, cleared the clutter from the bar and turned on some soothing music, took a deep cleansing breath and smiled at how quickly I was able to get beyond the chaos and return to me.
Whew.
I'm glad I found my marbles :)
Photo credit to: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/112/316864255_9340804834.jpg
