"Resistance" Is Not a Bad Thing

Often in the dysfunctional relationships from my past I'd been told that I was "making" someone angry, sad, disappointed...and so on.

In other words...

I was somehow responsible for making others feel ok about themselves

by changing who I was...

what I thought

felt

or did

in order for them to be ok...

and for me to feel safe.

I Didn't Know That I Didn't Know I was Abused is a post I wrote last year on learning to recognize that my "normal" - was not normal.

And as I entered the mental health system and having left it behind me...


I realized that those who needed me to fit the role of "ill"...

sick, disordered, diseased and so on...said similar things to me.

"You are resistant, difficult, lacking insight..." and so on.

In other words - I was responsible for why their "therapies"were ineffective. In order to make them, their position and their "treatments" somehow more valid...I had to learn to accept responsibility for their failure to find and apply effective therapies.


I was required to embrace the way they defined me - instead of them as the professional finding effective ways to meet me where I was and help me find my way to where they thought I should be.

What I have since come to understand...

is that this "resistance"

saved my life

and set me free

from being manipulated, controlled, shamed, shaped and defined by those who have not yet defined themselves and confirmed that they needed to define me

in order to validate themselves and justify the failures of their "treatments".

Power and control is never ok.


Resistance

is not futile.

:)


May is "Mental Health Awareness Month". Join the resistance; say "NO" to abusive and manipulative "therapies" and "treatments". If you have experienced oppression or abuse in your own therapy relationships the first thing is to understand it is not your "fault" that a therapy model or therapeutic relationship did not work well for you. 


It is only in no longer accepting this as "normal" in our healing journeys that it will ever be considered "not normal" by society. If your therapist or treatment provider has ever used a "power play" to enforce your compliance to therapies or treatments I'd like to hear your story. You can write to me at: nolongeravictim1@gmail.com 


There is a difference between being resistant to change and being resistant to being forced to accept that you are defective or somehow at fault for a therapeutic failure. We all learn in different ways and it is wrong for anyone to attempt to shame you into accepting their process as valid over your own. An ethical therapist will never discount you.


We are all capable to create and live our best life; no one is broken forever. 


Don't let anyone tell you any differently.


Especially if they have credentials behind their name. 

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

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I Held the Key to My Freedom...

Photo Credit

This healing journey is truly a journey; there is no "event" where we can stand at the threshold of our new life and say "I have arrived". It is a process, step by step, moment by moment of developing the conscious awareness and insight that sets us free and creates the change that changes our lives....

There came a day when I realized I was reacting to my life as if I was still the helpless child at the mercy of those who tormented me. It was in this day I realized I held the power to take my life back from my abusers by refusing to let what they did keep me prisoner in my mind any longer. 


It was in realizing that today's distress was caused by the meaning and story I told myself in my mind and that I held the key to open the door to freedom that had always been there...and only I could unlock. 


In the beginning, I'd have to unlock that door many times as it would slowly close again when I wasn't looking. But in time, I came to realize that when my today life was not working it typically was because I had let yesterdays life overtake me again. 


Bit by bit, one step at a time, day by day and with practice, I've learned to recognize when that door is slowly creaking shut on me again. The "tell" is often a sense of doom, depression or dissociation that overtakes me - or a feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness as I become frozen and incapable of moving forward...


Sometimes the "tell" is that my physical life has gradually gotten out of control again, I feel overwhelmed with the simplest of life tasks. Or I become needy and am seeking comfort or to be taken care of by others as though I was still that child in need of a safe place...


In these times I've learned to acknowledge my fears and phantoms, feel and express the anger....


I hate you because __________________.


And shed the tears, feel and honor the justified anger at being violated and embrace the sadness and grief at the loss of the life I never had and will never know...

It is in recognizing that I am no longer a victim and I am much more than a survivor where I begin to see myself as an adult full of hope and knowing that I hold the power to create this change that changes my life...

time and time again. 

~

Related: The Power Within

Cultivating the Power Within

When you Have Come to the Edge...

 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth

~

Carla Realized her normal was not so normal

Not everyone can tell they've been abused - most abuse isn't even physical. So for someone who comes from a background that did not include physical violations of some sort they may not recognize that the source of their mental health issues could actually be some of the more subtle and unseen forms of abuse that often lead to unseen injuries....

This week at my friend Darlene Ouimets blog Emerging From Broken Carla Dippel shares her journey through depression and the realization that her "normal" upbringing wasn't so normal.

An excerpt from Carla's post...

"My childhood would have looked absolutely normal to most people. I was never beaten, deprived of physical needs, verbally or sexually abused. But at age 16 I knew for the first time that I suffered from depression. It wasn’t the kind of depression that took me through huge highs and lows. It was just this ever-present, cloudy feeling. I operated my life in a constant state of anxiety. I strived to conform to what I thought was the “ideal” or “perfect” way all the time. I had a chronically low self esteem. I see now that the nature of my depression was exactly the same as the nature of my abuse."


Click here to read the rest of this post.


Related...


Abuse Disguised


I Didn't Know that I Didn't Know I Was Abused


 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!


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Making Peace with the Past

At Peace

I'd spent 17 years in America's mental health system, my history of trauma and abuse neglected and dismissed as unimportant. Yet it was only upon leaving this system that had denied my life experiences as having any impact on my life that I began to find healing and make peace with the past. I began to explore and understand the role of emotions in healing from the pain of the past and all that goes with it in human emotional pain and the physical response to cognitive distress. 


I knew I was making progress in my healing journey as I began to move from wanting and needing the  comfort of another and became able to finally sit with my own pain instead of striving to avoid it. 


Was this an easy thing to do?


Very simply...


Hell no. 


I was taught early on that my thoughts, feelings and choices were wrong and that to have an original thought or feeling of my own, to take any self initiated action would result in somehow being minimized and discredited, abused and left to understand that I was


unimportant.


So no; it was not easy to learn to sit with and face my past and the reality of what was my truth.


It was not easy to realize that no matter how hard I tried I could not create the perfect world today for myself where I was valuable and honored by striving to finally be accepted as good enough or that I had finally done something...anything...right enough.


It was not easy to fully face the reality that there was no 


quick fix


no magic pill 


to take away my pain


but that 

to heal from the loss of all that should have been and

that which will never be

is to embrace that which was

and is.

~


Today I Cried

~

Seeking and living our own "truth"

Photo Credit

This quote came to me via @SarahEOlsen2009 and her Favorite Tweet Stuff email...

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." ~ Andre Gide

And this caused me to remember a post I did awhile back about learning to recognize oppressive abuse in the dance of "Power and Control" and how we as survivors are sometimes easily groomed into compliance and can find ourselves following someone else's "truth" instead of that of our own....

From the archives - "Abuse Disguised...." an article that stemmed from recognizing power and control in religious and other professional venues and interpersonal relationships...

"Abuse is not selective and is in all life arena's and

...is all about telling another what to do, how to do it and when to do it

and

"you are wrong if you believe differently than I do or try to do it in any other way"...."

In understanding how to recognize and make different choices about the relationships we choose in our lives and the emotional boundaries we establish, it is helpful to understand what both a supportive relationship that encourages one to live their own "truth" might look like - as well as what a relationship looks like that is perhaps more about following and adhering to someone else's truth.

So for the next few post's I wanted to take a look at the idea of recognizing the difference between learning to seek for, find and live our own truth and if we might be falling into the subtle trap of believing someone else's truth over our own.

Today then....

In seeking my own "truth" and finding relationships that supported my quest to discover how to go about creating and living my own "best life" each day I found one consistant factor that I could trust.

That if I was involved in relationships that supported my search for healing, wellness and my own "truth" - I saw progress in my quest.

I began to find peace, hope and happiness.

I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel

I had an overwhelming sense of "life is good" and "I am ok".

vs

the nagging sense of "something is wrong....

and it must be me"

and an overwhelming sense of hoplessness, helplessness and

..."life sucks"

...I'll never be able to do this "right" or be "good enough"

...that came when I was following someone else's "truth" instead of seeking my own.

And that brings us back to today's quote...

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." ~ Andre Gide

I began to recognize that when I was seeking my own truth, supportive relationships supported this and encouraged me, told me that I had the wisdom and the ability to find my answers and live MY truth vs the relationships that were criticizing, questioning and telling me that my answers were somehow wrong...and the answers they were providing were the "right" answers. That somehow their "truth" was the only truth and if I didn't agree...well, then...something was of course wrong with me.

Join us here next time as we continue to look at this idea of the difference between truth "seeking" and being a follower of someone else's "truth".

Abuse Disguised – the “grooming” behind learning to tolerate the intolerable

Photo credit here

Recently over on the blog Emerging From Broken (EFB) Carla Dippel wrote a post she titled "Groomed to doubt in Spiritual Abuse”.

The response by the readers was first, immediate, second impassioned and third overwhelming as nearly 50 comments were made on this post within minutes of it's arrival. This was clearly a subject that touched the hearts of many on this issue of how we are often "groomed" by those around us to learn to "tolerate the intolerable".

You can read the post I wrote recently on "Abuse: I didn't know that I didn't know" ”....because of the "grooming" that goes on as we are trained to tolerate abuse to such a point that it becomes our "normal".

I wanted to add this post-script to my first comment EFB, but for some reason I was unable to post this as a comment, so I am posting it here on “A Journey” because it is such an important issue that we learn to recognize that what we may have come to know as “normal” may in fact be abuse that we have simply learned to tolerate.

My comment/response to Carla’s post on how she experienced the spiritual abuse as she was groomed in the church to doubt herself…

I also experienced this form of abuse that you describe here, Carla....and have since come to rely on my better judgment to avoid anyone or any place/organization (including therapists, doctors as well as "pastors or anyone else) that puts themselves above another, judges another or tries to tell me "you can’t do it without _________" or "you need __________ .

What I have found is that "spiritual" is wayyyy different than "church" - and the people in it - and no one has the right to decide for me what I "need" or "need to do"- whether they are with a religious organization, a personal relationship, a professional/work relationship or a caretaker.

Anytime anyone is telling another person how to live their life, criticize their life choices, their thoughts, ideas, opinions and decisions, ridicule, shame and embarrass another in order to force compliance...."or else".. or "you can't do this without me/us"....this is power and control du jour.

Abuse of any form is about "doing" not "being" a person....it's about doing it "right enough" or "good enough".

And often we never know what it "Right" or "good" because it changes and we are dependent on others to "feed" us for a day, tell us what to do, how to live, what’s my answer, "fix me" - and those who are attempting to exert this control over others thoughts, feelings and actions does whatever they must to keep their victims in line, doubting themselves and dependent on the abuser for validation, approval, love and acceptance.

It doesn't matter if it is a church or a specific religion, a family, a dating relationship, a therapist, doctor, friend, father, mother, sister, brother, lover, friend an employer - or a comment in a thread online.

Abuse is not selective and is in all life arenas and is all about telling another what to do, how to do it and when to do it....and "you are wrong if you believe differently than I do or try to do it in any other way"- and "you can't do it without me/us/it".

When we learn to identify "abuse" and learn how to not be a victim, to live a self empowered life free of dependence on others for validation and the need for acceptance at any price - we are empowered to protect ourselves from predators no matter what "church" they belong to (or any other abusive relationship.)

And I think those who are seeking for answers in others - in people places and things outside of themselves - will continue be prey for those seeking the thrill of power who will do whatever is necessary to keep the "sheep" in line.

Learning to live a self empowered life is much more than living in a chronic state of fear or hyper-vigilance on the lookout for the next “abuser” or “perpetrator” from home, work, church…whatever the source of the power/control issues.

It’s about learning how to no longer be a victim and creating the life we choose for ourselves each day…trusting ourselves instead of relying on others to define our reality and being “on guard” for the next abuser.

A rant...then letting go

Today I recieved one of those mushy, feel-good chain emails that says something along the lines of send this back....

It was about sisters and the love, encouragement and bond of women in our lives as we grow older. It talked about how as "sisters" we support each other, cheer each other on, love one another when we are down and in pain - celebrate each others joys along the path of life.

It was from my sister.

The same sister who kicked me when I was down.

Who told me that I was an ungrateful bitch who had no appreciation for everything SHE had done for me even though I was not given a "choice" in the matter.

The same sister who when I was in the psych ward at the hospital for the first time after escaping a violent husband would scream at me for having my own opinion, expressing my own wishes or attempt to parent my own children.

The same sister who beat me down to such a low level that I believed that my children were better off without me and I willingly handed over custody of my small son. And proceeded to try to kill myself with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of what I had survived - not only after escaping my abusive husband but then returning to the "open arms" of a family that degraded me, criticized and infantized me to such a degree that I could not make a decision of my own for fear of their judgement and sure to follow emotional and psychological tirade at how ridiculous I was to have a thought, an emotion or an opinion different than theirs.

The same sister who talks about me behind my back and degrades me to my children and other siblings. The same sister who freely claims my son as hers and laughs at my pain over the losses and abuse that I have survived.

Receiving this from her - pissed me off.

So - while I strive to put the past behind me and live in forgivenss of those who beat me, molested and raped me, stifled any development of a sense of self outside of this dysfunctional family system and then continued throughout my adult life to remind me of how inadequate I am and always have been (I get the role of "scapegoat" in my family)....

Even though I have been in therapy for nearly 20 years in an attempt to resolve theses issues within myself and learn to live my own life and let go of the past...

Shit like this is a trigger for me. A HUGE trigger. A trigger that can initiate the flashbacks, the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A trigger that reminds me that the world is not a safe place and that love and family hurts.

Yet today I don't have to stay there in the past. Today I know that I can get beyond this unexpected trigger. Today I can choose to not focus on the movies that run through my head and let go of the resentments all over again. Today I can remember that the world is an ok place and not everyone is abusive.

I still keep my distance from my family. I don't "hang out" with them. I don't talk to them on the phone. I show up at a few holidays over the year to appease that warped sense of family that my children have about these people. I still have not learned to say "no" to my children. Perhaps that is out of the guilt of leaving them to my family to raise when I was shamed, shunned and exiled to the land of slow death by suicidal behaviors.

So today I let this go now and get back to my today. Today I use my tool of journaling to vent my anger, pain and grief. Today I acknowledge the reality of what has been my life and let go of the childlike thinking that I can make my life right if I can control the world around me today. Today I accept what is and let go of the "why me" that serves only to fuel that place of perpetual victimhood that prevents me from creating my new life.

Today I can cut myself some slack knowing that I did the best I could with what I had to work with in the past and today I know I can do better but I never again have to be "good enough" to be loved and accepted - by anyone.

Today I simply am and I am at peace.

And oh yeah - I didn't send it back.

"Me" is good enough

So. Another day has past with no postings from me. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing here on the blogosphere, what is the purpose of this place I've created in the land of seemingly infinite - and sometimes scary space - THE WEB.

Some day's I feel like I have ton's to share. As though I could write a book if I could just sit down fast enough at my computer to get it all out. To spit it out, get it out of my head. But as soon as I sit down to write, my mind freezes up.

I've come a long way in a short time in this journey of healing, of self discovery. I know and realize this. Yet I'm still dogged by this issue that I cant "do it right". I'm still struggling with that deep inner doubt that no matter what I do or say, it is never enough, it is never right.

I understand where this comes from. It is the result of being raised by parents who doubted their own selves and passed this to me. It is from the belief that I had no real value since it was ok for adult men to use me - and then toss me aside. It is from being called names, neglected, abused...you get the picture. It is from the years of trying to "do it right" and yet it was never right enough.

Self doubt has followed me my entire life. But now I get to win. And today my effort at taking back the control that was taken from me as a child is to say that I know where this self doubt is coming from and today I do not accept it.

So while my post today may not be eloquent or snappy - it is of me and "me" is just good enough.