It Wasn't Me

This morning I tweeted this little ditty...


Understanding that there is a reason why I/my life was f**d up is different than when I make it an excuse that it is still f**d up.


Whaa at?


Heres the thing...


When I thought the problem was ME 


ie that I was sick, disordered, bad, wrong, defective, a bitch, a (fillintheblankdad)...


I lived in that place where I had to justify myself, my existence, my thoughts, feelings and choices.


Why?


Because I had a really difficult time shouldering the burden that something was WRONG with me was the "why" behind my life being a shipwreck.


And why did I carry this burden of proof of my f****ed-upedness?


Because I was taught from an early age that whatever was wrong was my fault.


That I was not and never would be "good enough".


That I never did, never could and never would do anything "right enough".


I was being blamed for what was wrong by those who modeled the world and how to view it to me. 


I was taught that its not nice to blame mother and father for what they did to me but rather


that what they did to me I caused it, was responsible to fix whatever it was that made me do whatever it was that I did that made them do what they did.


So naturally I grew up believing that blaming was "normal".


Well, as I grew up and started my own life I of course engaged with the bigger world from that perspective.


There was always someone or something or some reason why I did what I did or didn't do.


This was that place where I was stuck in "story" and could not yet get to my "Story" in my healing journey.


It was when I gave back that burden and realized that the state of the union was NOT my fault...and it was not my responsibility to fix it that I was able to understand that my "normal" ie blaming things outside of myself for the crappy state of my life was not really "normal" aka "healthy"...nor helpful.


So...


When I was able to let go of feeling responsible for everyone and everything else that was wrong in the world and my relationships...


I was able to understand the difference between understanding that my past life experiences were the reason my life was f***ed up and...


using my past as a reason why it is still f***ed up.


Learning to live beyond broken, learning to live beyond trauma, pain and past wounds came down to understanding that someone WAS responsible for why my life was f***ed up...


And that it wasn't me.


Learning to let go of that burden of proof allowed me to learn to let go of the pain of the past and begin to see that while I could not change the past...


I could learn how to live beyond it. 


Photo Credit


 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Making Peace with the Past

At Peace

I'd spent 17 years in America's mental health system, my history of trauma and abuse neglected and dismissed as unimportant. Yet it was only upon leaving this system that had denied my life experiences as having any impact on my life that I began to find healing and make peace with the past. I began to explore and understand the role of emotions in healing from the pain of the past and all that goes with it in human emotional pain and the physical response to cognitive distress. 


I knew I was making progress in my healing journey as I began to move from wanting and needing the  comfort of another and became able to finally sit with my own pain instead of striving to avoid it. 


Was this an easy thing to do?


Very simply...


Hell no. 


I was taught early on that my thoughts, feelings and choices were wrong and that to have an original thought or feeling of my own, to take any self initiated action would result in somehow being minimized and discredited, abused and left to understand that I was


unimportant.


So no; it was not easy to learn to sit with and face my past and the reality of what was my truth.


It was not easy to realize that no matter how hard I tried I could not create the perfect world today for myself where I was valuable and honored by striving to finally be accepted as good enough or that I had finally done something...anything...right enough.


It was not easy to fully face the reality that there was no 


quick fix


no magic pill 


to take away my pain


but that 

to heal from the loss of all that should have been and

that which will never be

is to embrace that which was

and is.

~


Today I Cried

~