Creator of My Life

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

When I was encouraged to and did identify my normal emotional response to abnormal life experiences as an illness I believed something was wrong with me instead of with my life experiences or dysfunctional relationships. 

This denied the reality of the source of my pain and caused me to become stuck in managing symptoms instead of going through the normal emotions of acknowledging what I survived and learning how to cultivate healthy relationships.

Shifting away from a paradigm of "illness" empowered me to begin to see that what I was lacking in emotional resiliancy and healthy interpersonal relationships - I could learn. 

It shifted me from being an enabled victim to an empowered creator of my life. 

Emotional and Psychological distress is real but treating it as an illness or as symptoms to be managed left me powerless to learn to live beyond it and left me dependent on coping and managing instead of creating and living the life I wanted for myself.
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Did you miss the live broadcast? Listen to the archives of the most recent Empowering Solutions program at Blog Talk Radio....Christina Enevoldsen and I talk about how we came to understand that were were not the problem but how we could be our own solution. Click here to download or listen! 

From the Archives...

Claiming A New Paradigm For Myself Part 2

This Became My Truth

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It Wasn't Me

This morning I tweeted this little ditty...


Understanding that there is a reason why I/my life was f**d up is different than when I make it an excuse that it is still f**d up.


Whaa at?


Heres the thing...


When I thought the problem was ME 


ie that I was sick, disordered, bad, wrong, defective, a bitch, a (fillintheblankdad)...


I lived in that place where I had to justify myself, my existence, my thoughts, feelings and choices.


Why?


Because I had a really difficult time shouldering the burden that something was WRONG with me was the "why" behind my life being a shipwreck.


And why did I carry this burden of proof of my f****ed-upedness?


Because I was taught from an early age that whatever was wrong was my fault.


That I was not and never would be "good enough".


That I never did, never could and never would do anything "right enough".


I was being blamed for what was wrong by those who modeled the world and how to view it to me. 


I was taught that its not nice to blame mother and father for what they did to me but rather


that what they did to me I caused it, was responsible to fix whatever it was that made me do whatever it was that I did that made them do what they did.


So naturally I grew up believing that blaming was "normal".


Well, as I grew up and started my own life I of course engaged with the bigger world from that perspective.


There was always someone or something or some reason why I did what I did or didn't do.


This was that place where I was stuck in "story" and could not yet get to my "Story" in my healing journey.


It was when I gave back that burden and realized that the state of the union was NOT my fault...and it was not my responsibility to fix it that I was able to understand that my "normal" ie blaming things outside of myself for the crappy state of my life was not really "normal" aka "healthy"...nor helpful.


So...


When I was able to let go of feeling responsible for everyone and everything else that was wrong in the world and my relationships...


I was able to understand the difference between understanding that my past life experiences were the reason my life was f***ed up and...


using my past as a reason why it is still f***ed up.


Learning to live beyond broken, learning to live beyond trauma, pain and past wounds came down to understanding that someone WAS responsible for why my life was f***ed up...


And that it wasn't me.


Learning to let go of that burden of proof allowed me to learn to let go of the pain of the past and begin to see that while I could not change the past...


I could learn how to live beyond it. 


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 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

I Held the Key to My Freedom...

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This healing journey is truly a journey; there is no "event" where we can stand at the threshold of our new life and say "I have arrived". It is a process, step by step, moment by moment of developing the conscious awareness and insight that sets us free and creates the change that changes our lives....

There came a day when I realized I was reacting to my life as if I was still the helpless child at the mercy of those who tormented me. It was in this day I realized I held the power to take my life back from my abusers by refusing to let what they did keep me prisoner in my mind any longer. 


It was in realizing that today's distress was caused by the meaning and story I told myself in my mind and that I held the key to open the door to freedom that had always been there...and only I could unlock. 


In the beginning, I'd have to unlock that door many times as it would slowly close again when I wasn't looking. But in time, I came to realize that when my today life was not working it typically was because I had let yesterdays life overtake me again. 


Bit by bit, one step at a time, day by day and with practice, I've learned to recognize when that door is slowly creaking shut on me again. The "tell" is often a sense of doom, depression or dissociation that overtakes me - or a feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness as I become frozen and incapable of moving forward...


Sometimes the "tell" is that my physical life has gradually gotten out of control again, I feel overwhelmed with the simplest of life tasks. Or I become needy and am seeking comfort or to be taken care of by others as though I was still that child in need of a safe place...


In these times I've learned to acknowledge my fears and phantoms, feel and express the anger....


I hate you because __________________.


And shed the tears, feel and honor the justified anger at being violated and embrace the sadness and grief at the loss of the life I never had and will never know...

It is in recognizing that I am no longer a victim and I am much more than a survivor where I begin to see myself as an adult full of hope and knowing that I hold the power to create this change that changes my life...

time and time again. 

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Related: The Power Within

Cultivating the Power Within

When you Have Come to the Edge...

 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth

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