Have to's, Should's and Cant's; I Felt Powerless

I'm wondering if you've noticed how often these kinds of thoughts slip through your mind?

I can't....I should....I have to.....

Yeah.

Me too. ;)

And in the past I viewed my negative thinking as another thing that I couldn't do "right".

The big burden I was carrying was that I had to do all things

good enough

right enough

fast enough.

In other words - just doing my best was never 

enough.

So - what I've learned along the way was to use those negative thoughts as mile-markers in my journey - instead of the negative validation of the lies I'd been conditioned to believe that I truly was NOT enough and held no power over the miserable state of my existence. 

Did you catch that?

Existence.

Existing is different that living and I was so very tired of only existing, coping, managing....surviving.

Yes; I had survived horrible things.

But I wanted more than the constant struggle where I lived in distress, where I managed symptoms and avoided triggering events, isolated, hibernated and felt as though my life was a complete mistake...

while I searched for someone or something that would make me feel better and make it all just

go away.

One key I found in my journey was in understanding that it wasn't helpful to simply brush those thoughts to the side, dismissing them as unimportant, wrong or bad...

but to use them to guide my healing journey.

What?

Yes. Using the negative thoughts to guide my journey.

You see - when I was dismissing my own thoughts and feelings of inadequacy I was doing the same thing as those who had TAUGHT me that I - my thoughts, my feelings, my choices - held no value and that this was justification for the way I was treated.

I had been taught to invalidate myself by those who had invalided me first.


I had learned not to see myself as the creator of my life but rather to deny everything that made me an individual...

my thoughts, feelings, opinions, likes, dislikes, choices, behaviors...

I had learned to doubt everything about me that made me....me.

The side issue is that those who taught me this also saw themselves as invalid and this is how this abuse, neglect and dysfunction is passed from generation to generation. This became grounds for more healing in regards to putting responsibility back with those who abused me while at the same time learning to have compassion for their experiences. 

But I digress:)

The solution for me was to:

1. Understand that these kinds of thoughts; the have to's, should's and cant's are thoughts that tell me I'm feeling powerless - not that I AM powerless
2. Understand that those thoughts are my normal not because I'm defective or disordered but because it is how I was taught to view myself as worthless and helpless when my power was taken from me in the original trauma - that there is a REASON I felt powerless over my life circumstances 
3. Understand that I can LEARN to claim my power and change my life and circumstance and that being aware of my own thoughts, feelings and recognizing that I was powerless and am no longer powerless was the foundation of it all

How did I begin to do this?

By understanding that by continuing to dwell on and use these kinds of statements...

I have to....I should....I can't....

That I was fueling that feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness.

And - that by learning to change the words I used to

I could...I can...I want...I won't...

I began to see that I held the power within myself


to create the change that would in the end


change my life.
~

From the archives:

 I AM....and I am NOT Powerless

Site search: I am not powerless

Photo Credit

 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

A Firm Belief, Reliance, A feeling of Certainty, Assurance

At some point I realized that a lot of my fear and doubt stemmed from a lack of that "firm belief", the "know" that fact of being certain, that assurance that I absolutely without doubt "knew that I knew"...

The solution?

First - to not crawl back into the rabbit hole with Alice and the Mad Hatter

....and learn what it was that would leave me with that sense of "knowing", that "belief" and "assurance" that I knew what I knew.

Boohya:)

Susan Boyle - Who I Was Born To Be

I am finally free..

I am who I was born to be.

I Didn't Know My Own Strength...

I thought I might break...

I didn't know my own strength

I was not built to break

I didn't know my own strength

I knew that as long as I didn't give up...I knew that I would find my answers...

I knew that I would win.

Blog Talk Radio: Michele and Cori share their personal stories of triumph

I can't think of a better way to start the week than sharing an interview on Blog Talk Radio with Michele Rosenthal and her call in guest Cori as they discuss their personal stories and the path they have followed to find freedom from past pain and are now creating and living their own best life today. Click here to listen to this amazing testimony of the struggle and triumph as Cori and Michele share their personal testimonies.

That Long Road Home...

Is travelled by putting one foot in front of another.

I have been really enjoying fiddling with the photo's I took the other day! You probably noticed that I put one of them in the masthead here...although I haven't quite figured out how to do the sizing and placing of it, I kind of like having it there. If you have an opinion it or suggestion on sizing/placement to get it to fit across the frame... I'd sure like to hear it in the comments below...:)

I snapped this photo the other day at the railroad crossing near my apartment. I thought it was an interesting shot. After some brief (like a few seconds) of editing in my iphoto software I realized that this is such a good portrayal of this journey of self discovery and healing from trauma's past.

I don't know about you, but there were and have been plenty of times that I thought I should be done with this already...yet in hindsight, I can't believe just how far I have come in such a short amount of time.

And it all began with putting one foot in front of the other.

When the Student is ready, the Teacher will come

Mondays; argggg, I hate Mondays...

You can see the post I wrote a few months ago about Monday's here.

So what's this got to do with anything?

Well....it's Monday. :)

And for me it's back to basics day.

As I've been meandering around, meeting and greeting others and carrying on the discussion about healing from past trauma there's been something in the back of my mind. Couldn't put my finger on it before but I think I've found what I was looking for.

In the beginning this blog was based on a conversation that Michele (Heal My PTSD) and I were having on her blog post dated January 2009 titled How to Tap your Inner Hero. Our conversation was on the "how" behind learning to live in the moment and leave the past behind...

In This Moment is a post I wrote last year on that "lightbulb" moment when I realized that I could change my life...simply by changing my mind.

Giving Up is Not an Option is another earlier post on how I arrived at this insight and the awareness that living in the past held a price...

In the end, this journey is all about how we choose to spend our moments. The hard part is finding the path that will take us there.

The problem that I see and have seen over this journey of mine is not that we are an incapable population - in fact, quite the opposite - as survivors of trauma who have chosen to do the hard work of healing and finding our way out of that dark place, we are the most resourceful persons on the face of this earth I believe.

The problem in my mind is that we have been taught to focus on "doing" in this journey rather than learning how to "be" in our own time and space and to "be" ok. Unwittingly, we have been guided down a path that has taught us to avoid our pain in various ways rather than learn to embrace it and go through the process of emotional healing.

I spent years losing my "now" to attempting to "figure out" how to "do" whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing to "get better". I had the "diagnosis" - "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" - but the focus was never on learning how to go through the natural grief process to reclaim or find that part of me that was buried deep within the emotional distress and deep seated belief of helplessness to change my circumstances.

The focus was on "doing" to the exclusion of "being".

And this is where I find myself today. Returning to the original purpose of this blog. Finding a way to share the path I have taken to pull myself out of the mire of the past and beginning to live "in the moment". That only one true thing that exists; the "now".

Because that is where I have found the peace lies. Learning to live in "now" and how to "let go" of those thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are no longer bringing me a peaceful "now".

So today I decided to pay attention to the unrest I have been feeling instead of trying to avoid it or cover it up with more "busy work" or creating my own "daytime drama" as often happens when I get lost ruminating over solving problems that are not mine to begin with. I decide to get back to the basics of living in my now and trusting that by doing so, I am laying the foundation for my best life tomorrow.

And while it is easy for me to engage in the many life issues that come up each day - especially those surrounding the issues we face in our healing journey's, I find myself returning to Micheles orginial question to me from that post How to Tap Your Inner Hero....how did I learn to live in the moment?

And still, nearly a full year later, the best answer that I have found to this question is that living in the moment is a simple concept although not always an easy one to apply.

It is not about "doing", although "doing" is a part of this process as we put one foot in front of the other and learn to walk in this new way. At the same time it is learning about "being". It is the path we are each on that will provide us our own answers in our own time.

In other words...as long as we are searching, inquisitive and open...we will be ready to receive answers that will guide us down our chosen path where we can all create a live our best life each day.

And it started with simply becoming aware of the "story" behind the language I was using like telling myself that I loved Monday's. That Monday's were the best day of the week...that Monday's were a new start for another opportunity to create the life of my choosing. Another 1,400 minutes and opportunities to turn things around, to change my life and step back on my new path - the now.

And then as I became aware of those opportunities to change my story and language at the same time I changed that "backstory" in my mind of how "Monday"s sucked".

This is that place where I was the student that was ready - and willing to take the action - and my teacher always came.

Every time since.

And every time still.

Photo credit is here.

Know and face thine enemy

Recently I was invited to join the Heal My PTSD discussion group on Facebook with Michele Rosenthal of the website Heal My PTSD.

And I have to say that I am honored to first have been invited and second to have received the warm welcome from the readers of Michele's blog and of this very valuable discussion/support group. I am amazed at what is going on there, the support and camaraderie is invaluable to those of us struggling to reclaim our lives post-trauma.

I've been reading there and other places about the nightmare of the Post Trauma Response and the struggle many of us face in our search for answers. So - I thought I would jump in this Monday morning with my own thoughts on this healing process - this journey in which we may all be walking our own paths, finding our own way, in the time that is right for each of us and our journey.

We all know and many of us have become quite familiar with the symptoms of PTSD so I'm not going to go into that part of the discussion today. If you need more information on learning to identify symptoms you may be experiencing, Michele has created the place for this kind of information on her blog here.

In the past, I avoided anything that could be a trigger...but have sincelearned that I can embrace and learn from the emotional stressors of the post trauma response - not all at once, but one step at a time, by putting one foot in front of the other.

Christine Blaire ofBlisschick.net recently posted some insight about learning to listen to and respect the message given to her by her body and emotions rather than succumbing to the darkness of the depression that was trying to creep up on her. You can read more here. In this post Christine talks of the awareness that led her to discover the truth behind the depression and how she embraced it rather than avoiding it.

In her next post Christine shares how she chooses to have an attitude of being grateful for her experiences and how moving from "why" to this state of grace has freed her from the past bondage of that dark place. Read more about Radical Gratitude here.

The point that I made in my comments of Christine's post was how when we are able to begin to listen to our emotions they become the lighthouse that can lead us out of the darkness and free us from the fog of living in a chronic state of stress that occurs when we maintain avoidance over embracing our emotions as an internal guidance system that can lead us out of this heavy forest cover of the post trauma response.

For some of us who may have learned to ignore or stuff down or avoid our emotions for whatever reason, this becomes part of our journey;to learn to know what we are feeling.

We can do this by paying attention or developing an awareness of our thoughts, our behaviors and our physical responses. (Although some of us may also be at a place of learning to identify our bodies especially if we were physically violated as a part of our trauma experience).

And while I don't claim to have all the answers, I am hoping that perhaps we can open some discussion to becoming aware of the opportunity to begin toembrace rather than avoidour experiences and learn from the emotions that for many of us were not safe in the midst of a trauma experience.

This is not something that I was able to learn "in one shot". Rather, it became my process; the way I went through my day, catching a negative thought here. Identifying a trigger there. I used many tools as I walked and still walk this part of my journey as I learn more about myself, who I am choosing to be, creating the life of my choosing - my best life - each day.

Have you found some ways to learn how to recognize the enemy of ptsd symptoms in this battle? What steps can we take to no longer be victim to this nightmare and become more than a survivor?

YOU are amazing!

You don't have to be Einstien - knowledge is EMpowerMENT!

Ok, well...if you have been around for more than a minute you probably know how I feel about using "meds" and how they applied to my journey. If not, you can check out this post and then listen to my story on Blog Talk Radio with Michele Rosenthal of Heal My Ptsd fame.

And maybe you've popped in and taken a look at my Resources page where I posted this:

Please do not take any information from this web site as gospel or instruction. This blog and these resources are meant to be fuel that might encourage you to think, ask questions, find your own answers and hopefully support you as you walk your path and create your own best life which is in the simplest terms - the life you choose for yourself each day.

The point I want to make is that my wish and my hope is that the things I post here become fuel for your own journey; another tool and resource for you to draw upon as you take charge of and reclaim your own personal power over the pain of the past.

You see - as long as I believed that to heal from the past was as complicated and mysterious as it seems to have been made out to be, I was dependent on others to spoon feed me my answers thus effectively reinforcing that false logic that I had no power within myself to affect change.

I had that faux sense of helplessness that there was nothing I could do to make my life any different. I became prisoner to the nightmares, the anxieties, the panic, the avoidance, depression...and so on.

I became dependent on my doctors, counselors and therapists to provide me with a weekly "fix" so that I could "survive" until my next appointment.

I was convinced that in time, a pill would be found that would "fix" me.

In my case, this whole scenario was complicated (watch...this is important) by the issues of child abuse and neglect. Thus "Complex PTSD" which is now beginning to be recognized as a valid issue in the field of mental health. Although once again - having this validated is not the same as offering some concrete solutions to help me find my way. Another term I have heard recently used in the context of survivors of long term child abuse issues is "Developmental Trauma Response". (more on this another day...)

The point I am getting to is this: our trauma experiences are all different. There is no "worse than" or "better than". There is different.

There is no measurement or comparison of whose trauma is "worse". If you were shot in Iraq - does that make your trauma worse than of the man or woman who was in a violent car accident, the one who survived a hurricane, or the one who was violated by a family member or a stranger?

Nada.

And while there is a time, a place and a purpose to revisit and "process" through the emotions that were connected with our trauma - if that is what we find ourselves doing most of the time we are going to struggle with living in the now.

It's as if we have become addicted to living and reliving the nightmare and cant get out of it.

We dwell on our "symptoms" as though we have no control over them instead of using them as an indicator that it is time to apply a new method of coping.

And when we are unaware of all of our options - this misnomer may be true.

Without knowledge we cannot have awareness. Without awareness we cannot have insight. Without insight we cannot make the choice to initiate change.

For 15 years I believed in Santa Claus. I believed that it was impossible to heal trauma. I believed that if I just stuck with it, that magic pill would be found that would "fix" me, that my therapist was right and I was wrong. I mean really...if "it" wasn't working it had to be me, right? I believed that I was powerless.

But I did not have enough information to choose differently.

You see, I have this theory that if those who are suffering from the various issues that are today medicated and managed are given information to be able to identify where they are in their healing journey and where they want to be, the kind of life they want to live - if we are given the opportunity to learn about how this healing process works, the tools to use and a chance to develop their skills in using them - I have a firm belief that we will begin to empower ourselves and learn to heal.

So - regardless of where you are at in your journey, trust that you are in exactly the right place today AND that you can begin to use the daily triggers and related symptoms to create your own unique map to begin to mark your own journey out of the darkness and exit that perpetual state of helplessness.

Begin to believe - in you.

Less than perfect

What a concept. To be less than perfect and be ok.

Today was a not so great day at work. I fumbled and bumbled through my presentation to a group that really doesnt want to be there. Today there was snickering, doodling and sleeping going on all the while I am being paid big bucks to come into this company and facilitate a group that does not appear to want to be facilitated.

So I left today feeling less than accomplished. Much less.

I wanted to cry. I started to focus on and point the finger at those who could be identified as "troublemakers" if we were in 3rd grade. Then I started to beat myself up - "idiot" and "stupid" are old aquaintences whom I have not seen for some time but today were asking to come in - very loudly they were asking to come in.

So I stopped. And looked around me. And realized that today was one of those days that I didn't get that external validation of a job well done by the way of a smile, a nod or a "that's so great" type pat on the back. Today I didnt get any of that.

What I did get was awareness and a lesson.

I became aware of those voices from the past that bubble up when I am less than "perfect".

I became more aware of the shame that follows those types of thoughts and the isolation and desire to hide from the world when I am less than "perfect".

And I became aware that I could choose to follow those mean voices of the past, those thoughts that take me back down that old, beaten path of self hatred, the loneliness and isolation that surely follows.

And I became aware that today - I won.

I Am...and I am NOT powerless

We may feel powerless to affect change.

But - that does not mean we are powerless to change.

Take back your life, reclaim your future...become your own best resource. Read more here.

Kicking Self Sabotage In The Butt Part 2

Wow and WOW! I absolutely love the blogosphere! There are sooooo many terrific and wonderful people out there in the larger world!

For example - I've been silently "lurking" around Christine's blog blisschick for some time but finally "came out" after reading her post on How Pavlov's Dog Can Help You Get Big Things Done.

Talk about perfect timing - the other day I wrote a post Kicking Self Sabotage In The Butt and this post by Christine was so right on the money!

So often I have passively allowed opportunity to pass me by while I procrastinated, avoided and put things off. I've noticed that typically this happens when I am lacking confidence in myself (ie listening to the broken records of self doubt).

And while I've done the famous "break a big project into small pieces", typically things have a tendency to pile up until there is some sort of crisis or deadline to meet. In those instances a switch flips in my head and I move into full speed rushing to get it done. Another possible scenario is that I simply keep my head in the sand until it is too late and the opportunity has passed me by.

So I did a little experiment this past Tuesday. A couple of months ago I had been invited by the Mayor of the city I live in to contribute my suggestions to an issue that was important to me and the decision the city council arrives at will, in the end, affect me and not necessarily in a small way.

And for the past two months I have been "spinning" on the idea of writing a response on this issue. DUH! Talk about opportunity knocking and missing it.

This project was at a point where I had to either get off my butt and get it done or put it away and let it go.

So I followed the link to the music Christene had suggested and wila! MISSION COMPLETE! I was able to send off my response on this very important community issue and IT DIDN'T HURT!

The power of association is HUGE - especially for survivors of childhood abuse issues. Too often when we become adults we unknowingly -or perhaps we are aware of it as I was in this case where my fear of success and procrastination was coming from but hadnt yet found a way to shake it off...

By playing this soundtrack that was completely unfamiliar to my senses and unrelated to my experiences I was able to attach a different feeling to the process of getting beyond my self sabotaging behavior. The result is that I now have another tool in my toolbox to support me as I venture into the larger world finding my own way, my own success.

Letting go of the past and its associated pain is a difficult journey to be on for sure. But as long as we dont stop searching for the answers that will work for us, we will find solutions that seem to have miraculously appeared, at just the right and perfect time.

So, thank you Christine for sharing your experience and your suggestions on changing up those old patterns that can lead to self defeating behavior. You and your blog so ROCK!

Is there something that you have been putting off or avoiding? How do you overcome procrastination?

Yes; you can

A Pantene commercial with extraordinary deliverance of a message for you today..

Yes.

Whatever it is that is your nemisis.

The message today is

Yes.

You can overcome it.

Yes

You can find your way.

Very simply.

Yes yes yes

You can.

I accept no label other than "human". ~Gianna Kali