Have to's, Should's and Cant's; I Felt Powerless

I'm wondering if you've noticed how often these kinds of thoughts slip through your mind?

I can't....I should....I have to.....

Yeah.

Me too. ;)

And in the past I viewed my negative thinking as another thing that I couldn't do "right".

The big burden I was carrying was that I had to do all things

good enough

right enough

fast enough.

In other words - just doing my best was never 

enough.

So - what I've learned along the way was to use those negative thoughts as mile-markers in my journey - instead of the negative validation of the lies I'd been conditioned to believe that I truly was NOT enough and held no power over the miserable state of my existence. 

Did you catch that?

Existence.

Existing is different that living and I was so very tired of only existing, coping, managing....surviving.

Yes; I had survived horrible things.

But I wanted more than the constant struggle where I lived in distress, where I managed symptoms and avoided triggering events, isolated, hibernated and felt as though my life was a complete mistake...

while I searched for someone or something that would make me feel better and make it all just

go away.

One key I found in my journey was in understanding that it wasn't helpful to simply brush those thoughts to the side, dismissing them as unimportant, wrong or bad...

but to use them to guide my healing journey.

What?

Yes. Using the negative thoughts to guide my journey.

You see - when I was dismissing my own thoughts and feelings of inadequacy I was doing the same thing as those who had TAUGHT me that I - my thoughts, my feelings, my choices - held no value and that this was justification for the way I was treated.

I had been taught to invalidate myself by those who had invalided me first.


I had learned not to see myself as the creator of my life but rather to deny everything that made me an individual...

my thoughts, feelings, opinions, likes, dislikes, choices, behaviors...

I had learned to doubt everything about me that made me....me.

The side issue is that those who taught me this also saw themselves as invalid and this is how this abuse, neglect and dysfunction is passed from generation to generation. This became grounds for more healing in regards to putting responsibility back with those who abused me while at the same time learning to have compassion for their experiences. 

But I digress:)

The solution for me was to:

1. Understand that these kinds of thoughts; the have to's, should's and cant's are thoughts that tell me I'm feeling powerless - not that I AM powerless
2. Understand that those thoughts are my normal not because I'm defective or disordered but because it is how I was taught to view myself as worthless and helpless when my power was taken from me in the original trauma - that there is a REASON I felt powerless over my life circumstances 
3. Understand that I can LEARN to claim my power and change my life and circumstance and that being aware of my own thoughts, feelings and recognizing that I was powerless and am no longer powerless was the foundation of it all

How did I begin to do this?

By understanding that by continuing to dwell on and use these kinds of statements...

I have to....I should....I can't....

That I was fueling that feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness.

And - that by learning to change the words I used to

I could...I can...I want...I won't...

I began to see that I held the power within myself


to create the change that would in the end


change my life.
~

From the archives:

 I AM....and I am NOT Powerless

Site search: I am not powerless

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 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Learning to Live is Different than Waiting to Die

Newport Beach, California 2010

Learning to create my life from the inside out is THE most "em"powering lesson I learned.

In a nutshell:

First....I  AM powerless over things that exist outside of my physical body - people, places and things or circumstances that exist outside of my personal physical self and environment.

This includes other people....

The things they...

Think, do and say.

The way others express their own needs in the things they do and say - is outside of my control or influence.

 A helpful hint I found about putting this in perspective....

Keeping in mind that when someone begins a sentence with "You...." what they are saying is "I am feeling angry or afraid that this is outside of my control and I need to try to shape or influence what you are doing or saying to make myself feel safe". 

Huge life lesson for me and one I am still learning day by day.

The key was to learn to see this in myself that I could have compassion for those who couldn't see it at all.

Secone....I am NOT powerless over what I do think feel or say or...the story I tell myself about the things that are outside of my control. 

Which sort of flies in the face of those who for many years told me that I was actually powerless over my thoughts, feelings, moods, physical health, my body....

That something was "wrong" with me....not the abuse, neglect and emotional/psychological brainwashing that left me believing they were right. 

Yet - here I am today...no longer depressed, chronically dissociating, feeling fragmented, alone or isolated. 

Learning to listen to my inner world that I might create the outer world, life and circumstances that allows me to live and experience my "best life"...even when things aren't so good. 

The key here?

Learning to recognize that where others told me I was powerless, disordered and that my distress was chronic long lasting and unchangeable...

These individuals were often also profiting from my dependence on them in one way or another either directly or indirectly.

A key component in any abusive relationship is when someone says...

Something is wrong with you and you can't do this without me. 

That goes for family, friends and health care providers.

We always have a choice and any "provider" or person that encourages dependence?

Well...I lived in that place for nearly 20 years while under the influence of chemicals that inhibited my ability to think clearly or function in any capacity so ....ummm...I sort of have some prejudice about working with therapists and other "mental health" providers - but...this post about finding helpful help - might be helpful: How to tell an average therapist from a great therapist and see my post I am not a can of soup here to read about how I began to learn the language of life around re-defining who I chose to be...my "self". 

The life lesson? 

• I AM powerless over circumstances and situations that exist outside of my personal physical, emotional, environmental space

Which also means...

• I am NOT powerless over the environment I choose to create and where my physical, emotional and psychological "self" resides and....

The next life lesson?


Its up to me to create a place of safety for myself.

As a child - I had not choice, no resources, no escape.

As an adult...

Well....

If I'm still in unsafe environments where I'm still being put down, shut up, dismissed or abused in any way...

Then its up to me to learn to use the resources available to find my way to safety and understand that while that may have been my normal...


It is not healthy and I can learn to live beyond that place where I felt as though it was my responsibility to change who I was and tolerate being abused and otherwise mistreated in order to not be abandoned. 



Truth is....

While I still felt "childlike" and wished, hoped and dreamed for my "knight in shining armor"...

What I found...

Is that no one can rescue an adult. 


And...


That adults cannot be abandoned. 


We make choices to stay or to go. 


Abandonment "issues" are issues to be resolved and when they aren't - they are often recreated. 

Bottom line for me became understanding that the learned helplessness and fear of abandonment of the past fueled that sense of hopelessness as an adult that left me unable to see that I was truly the creator of my today and my tomorrow. 

I felt helpless to shape my "self" let alone my world or life experiences. 

It was in learning the language of life....

That I began to become the creator of...my life:) 

You may have been powerless - but are no longer. 

The key is to learn to identify that feeling powerless...

Is much different than being powerless.

Learning to live is different than waiting to die - which is where I was until I discovered that I held the power to become the creator of my "self" and my life. 

Language...can give life or create death. 

I lived the life of what I call the "living dead" for a very long time.

Today?

I choose life.

Won't you join me? 

It is possible to learn to claim our power, to become the creator of our own "best life".

What does your best life look like? 

If the past never happened...and all the ducks were in a row....

What would your life look like at the end of it? 

That is where we begin...

With the end in mind.

This is how we begin to let go of the past...

By learning how to create our future.

Uh huh!

Not rocket science for sure....

Not always easy either.

But damned sure worth it.

Welcome....to your life:) 

Always amazed at the light that surrounds you....

Susan:)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth! Go here www.empoweringsolutionsnow.com to register to get more empowering solutions in your inbox and be on the list to receive my gift to you, my first ebook when it is published: Empowering Solutions: From the Beginning.

When you have come to the edge...

This week I posted I am...NOT powerless. Why? Because for too long I "felt" powerless.

Where did that "feeling" come from?

Well, I suppose it started when I was trained to not speak up for myself as a child. In "normal" healthy families, autonomy is encouraged...even insisted upon. But in a dysfunctional or abusive situation this is typically not the case.

In a healthy environment we are encouraged to speak up when something hurts or feels uncomfortable. We are encouraged to learn to set our own boundaries and to respect the boundaries that others set for themselves. (Click here for a summary of autonomous v. controlling relationships)

In other situations where parenting is viewed more as a "do as I say" situation often with serious consequences if we dare to buck the authority of our parents. Often we are not given the choice to say "no" to hurtful words or actions of those around us. We develop a tolerance for being mistreated that becomes the blueprint for other relationships in our lives.

We may become dependent on first our family to give us an identity and give us "permission" to speak, to think to live life. In some situations we can incur much wrath if we dare to speak up about what we want, believe or think if it is different than what our caretakers believe we should have. Then as we grow we come to depend on external forces and others responses to define who we are and if we are ok.

I remember the day I came to this realization - that I could not exist unless the world around me and those in it "validated" my existence with some sort of acknowledgement that I was "ok" or had done or said the "right" thing.

I was well into my journey of self discovery... (I hesitate to use the word "recovery" for the simple reason that I have not had anything to "recover" as I truly had no sense of self or life situation that I wanted to repeat or regain).....

...I had learned to be mindfully aware of my thoughts and was slowly becoming aware that I had feelings that were influenced by my thinking and thus behaviors Ie choices I made, actions that I chose that were directed by my internal communications system of thoughts and feelings.

In other words I was starting to listen to "me".

What I found was that even in the simplest of circumstances that overwhelming feeling of anxiety and the emotional torment I experienced when around others was fueled not by anything other than the fact that I was looking to any external response that could tell me that I was doing it right....that I was ok to exist in the space that I resided.

I had for years experienced severe anxiety in public. I did whatever I had to do to avoid dealing with people. Having a car was not only transportation for me but it was a form of armour, a shield to hide from the greater world.

But my car had recently "died" and I was forced to either walk or rely on public transportation; a nightmare for me.

On this particular morning I was walking to get somewhere...I became aware that I was feeling anxious, as though I was exposed and naked to the world around me. I kept my eyes down and my shoulders curled up around my neck. I walked on in shame as though I had done something wrong by simply existing.

Yet I was determined to understand why I felt this way, why it was nearly impossible for me to venture outside and be a part of this bigger world.

I stood at the corner, waiting for the light to change so I could cross the street. A car approached and as it came nearer I listened to myself; my thoughts, my feelings.

As this car with a single man inside it approached I felt a small surge of anticipation as I looked not at the light or the crosswalk but I searched out the face of this anonymous person. And I suddenly realized that I was searching to be acknowledged, I was craving that my existence be confirmed by the smile I received as this person drove by.

Yet I also became painfully aware that to not be acknowledged by this stranger would reinforce the misnomer that I was not "enough"; that I had no right to exist.

As I stood there on the corner that warm spring morning, the sun warming the pavement and fueling the rebirth of spring I realized that if I could become aware of this conection between my thoughts and the way I felt - then I could learn to be and be ok.

I - was no longer powerless.

There is Only One Hero: And its You

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

There are some things I AM powerless over but one of those things...is NOT me.

One of - if not THE key issue for survivors of childhood oppression, abuse and neglect is that of feeling powerless.

But for me - I didn't know I felt powerless AND I'd been told by well meaning, albeit unhelpful, folks and programs of the past that I was powerless...

to let go...

let god...

and wish, pray and hope that life just kind of worked itself out and...

that there was nothing I could do.

That I was simply an observer and had to stop trying to "control" things. 

The thing is and was that this never helped me to escape the pain that drove my misery. 

Accepting being mistreated is not acceptable. 

Accepting a life of "less than"...

is not acceptable. 

In this frame of mind - that I was powerless over my life and the things that left me feeling abused, unhappy and generally discontent and 

miserable

I was stuck. 

After all - if I am powerless...what is there for me to do? 

If I cant "make" others treat me well and life be fair...

well, what the hell? 

This was that place where my focus was on what was going on AROUND ME...

instead of what was going on within me. 

It was in understanding the difference between what I was truly powerless over...

People, places and things outside of myself

And what I DID have power over....

My beliefs, thoughts, feelings, emotions and choices...

that enabled me to shift from feeling powerless to understanding the meaning of...

being empowered....

from the inside out. 

From the Archives

Be Your Own Hero

Have to's, Shoulds and Can'ts....I felt Powerless

I Held the Key to My Freedom

"story"? Or "Story"?

The Power Within

I. Am. Not. Powerless.

“Sometimes we get stuck focusing on the maltreatment and wanting what’s fair before we move on. Waiting for justice distracts us from doing things that are beneficial to us--like healing. We can’t change what already happened, but we can change the way we respond to those things. The abuse taught us to think like a victim waiting for rescue, but as adults, we’re empowered to rescue ourselves.” ~Christina Enevoldsen from www.overcomingsexualabuse.com

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Am I Living My Own Truth?

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This post is a continuation of this post "Seeking and Living our own "truth" that stemmed from this quote:

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." ~ Andre Gide

In learning to recognize when and if I am living my own truth or if I am trying to live up to the truth of another, there are many indicators that I’ve learned to pay attention to. Today I wanted to share a few of them here….

Sharing: in living my own truth, I am free to share the parts of my life that I choose to share; my experiences are respected as my own, my feelings about my experiences are validated, I feel heard and safe.

In relationships that are based on the truth of another, it feels more like I have been questioned or am undergoing an interrogation. If I attempt to not be fully disclosing about something in my life I may be demeaned or criticized as though it is a personal affront or somehow inappropriate to have this personal boundary.

Relationships supportive of my seeking my own truth are supportive and respectful of my thoughts, feelings and choices without asking for or expecting justification.

In relationships where I may be following someone else’s truth I may feel as though I am supposed to explain my thoughts, feelings and experiences in order to make them valid or that someone else is giving them value for them to even have any value or be legitimate.

Creating change: Relationships that support me in seeking my own truth support and accept the natural changes that occur in me and my life as I grow.

When I've found myself trying to conform to or live the truth of another I've consistantly found that these relationships often discourage my growth and often send me “change back” messages that discourage change.

This can become confusing because sometimes these relationships would profess support for the positive changes in my life and choices I was making but then they would remind me that I was really incapable of doing life on my own terms by cautioning me and reminding me of my previous attempts to fly on my own and how I had failed before.

Obligation: When I am seeking my own truth my relationships support me as capable of asking for what I need whereas in the truth of another I was often told what I needed.

If I didn’t agree or adopt this truth of another I might experience some sort of criticism intended to shape my chosen truth to compliance. Guilting or shaming is often used to shape resistance into compliance.

I often felt obligated to accept the "help" that was offered, even though it was not the help or support I had asked for and that would have made the biggest difference in my own quest for my own truth.

I was often reminded that I was incapable of deciding for myself what it was that I needed or wanted; that someone else knew better and was acting in my "best interest". Sometimes this was blatent, other times more subtle; but the message was always "if you did what I told you to do this problem would go away".

In summary – when I was living the truth of another, I felt incapable and often insignificant.

I doubted my own ability to seek, discover and live my own truth because I was so invested in living up to the expectations of the truth of another. I felt powerless and ultimately hopeless that I even had my own “truth” let alone that it was ok for me to want it and seek it out.

The best way I have found to determine today if I am living my own truth vs being invested in living the truth of another?

I learned to trust that deep knowing and understanding that I truly am my own best resource; that I don't need anyone or anything to give me or my life value.

I understand the difference between seeking feedback and seeking permission.

I let go of the idea that I was somehow not "good enough" and that I am somehow broken by rejecting those thoughts and choosing thoughts that supported the idea that I am capable.

I focus on the idea and thoughts that each day I have done my best and tomorrow is another opportunity to continue to learn, grow and change as I continue to seek the knowledge that will offer me the wisdom that I truly am capable of creating and living my own best life, my own “truth”.

I remind myself daily that I am - and that is the only justification that I need.

I over-ride the old messages and shame from the past and tell myself consistently that..

my best IS good enough... and that "I am"

and that is enough.

I'd like to invite you to register for the free email notification on the top left of this page so you don't miss out on the next post in this series "To Thine Own Self Be True" and what a possible solution is if you think you may be living the truth of another.

Q: Are you living your own truth today?

The Language Of Life

Weave your words to create the fabric of your life

Along the way I've picked up a few things that made the difference...

The biggest difference was made when I learned to recognize the language of life in contrast to the kind of dialog running in the back of my mind like the subtitle of a silent movie that left me feeling hopeless, helpless and powerless over my life.

One of the first things I learned and one of that last things I "got" ..

Was understanding the difference

Between feeling powerless

and

Being powerless.

Making the connection between my (then) today where I felt powerless

and that this was a normal response

to having actually

been powerless

in my past

was

well

HUGE.

This

I came to understand

was why

in my (then) today

I continued to

feel

powerless...

And this was not at all helped by all the helpful folks who kept reminding me 

just

how

powerless

I

really, really

was.

You know? 

Those groups where the first thing we have to admit to is being

powerless?

Then all the other well intentioned folk

the therapists

counselors

friends

family

who were telling me I was such a control freak and needed to 

let go. 


Telling me that I couldn't control everything, that I needed to accept life as it was...

but...

no one ever told me what I

did

have power over.

So I continued on

trying to do my best

do what I was told

trying to do it

right

only it never was

right enough.

And what I've discovered along the way is ...

that I could unveil

uncover

and activate

my 

power

by checking and challenging

the language I used

every day

all the time

that told me that I was

powerless.


And that while I was powerless over people places and things outside of myself

I held the power to become the creator of my life 

that I would no longer be a victim of life. 

So - thank you therapists, friends, family and those 12 step groups that mean well but 

to tell someone who has never owned their own intrinsic magical and mystical power

that they are

powerless

ya...

well..

not so helpful.

In order to learn to let go of the learned external controlling of people places circumstances and things....

which are the things I am powerless over

I had to discover how to own my own power.


In the end - the change came in choosing to move on to learning how to regulate my life from the inside out by 

changing my language from that of despair 

to that of design.


The language of life is where I learned to make the shift from "tell me what to do to be well so I can live well" to...

"I am well and can learn how to live".


Here's to you, you amazing beam of light and life!

You got the magic in you!

I'm beaming at your brilliance!

Susan:)

PS...

We may have been powerless.

We may feel powerless yet that is very different from actually being powerless.

Learning to speak and listen for the language of life became one of the truths that set me free.

Those who told or tell you that you are powerless....may actually believe that they too are powerless and are here only to be tossed in the storm of life, that its no use to try to "create" our life because we in the end are simply here to live until we die.

And while there are things that are beyond our control?

We are always in control of the story we tell ourselves about those things.

Uh huh:)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

  Go here www.empoweringsolutionsnow.com to register to get more empowering solutions in your inbox and be on the list to receive my gift to you, my first ebook when it is published: Empowering Solutions: From the Beginning.

Fighting Forgiveness

Carrying the burden of a debt owed us

It was brought to my attention that not everyone was able to access this on Facebook for some reason so I decided to re-publish it here on A Journey today. 


Originally published on Facebook here on June 21 2010. 


Fighting "Forgiveness"

by Susan Kingsley-Smith on Monday, June 21, 2010 at 11:20am

I had no clue what it meant to "forgive".

I'd been told to "get over it", "move on", "let it go"....

In other words, forgive those who had hurt me, been responsible in some way for my trauma experiences and most likely would never make their own "amends" with me. And justice would most likely never be served...for either those who have died or still live.

So - this became a part of my journey. To learn to understand how to live in that "peace that passed all understanding", to live in that "serenity" that I'd never experienced following a lifetime of abuse and multiple trauma experiences.

And it came down to a few things.

One - was feeling instead of stuffing the anger at those things that had been done to me when I was powerless to protect myself as a child, as an adult in adult relationships or circumstances that were beyond my control

As an adult I realized I could learn how to access and express my anger and rage in ways that would empower my journey to healing rather than hinder it by consequences for "acting out" against others, or "acting in" against myself.

Two - was recognizing I was no longer powerless; that I am now an adult, no longer dependent on another for my survival and if I am angry at the way someone treats me, I can move on. I no longer am a victim.

If there are circumstances beyond my control - I can identify what I can do to influence change, using my anger and hurt to fuel my purpose, focussing on solutions instead of ruminating as though I am still a powerless child.

And if there truly is nothing I can do to affect change...I can choose to live in acceptance of what is the lesson learned in the "Serenity Prayer" and move on to the next step...

Three - was grieving the losses connected to that experience. And that was that childhood or healthy adult relationship that I deserved for no other reason than I existed - or the losses connected to being in a circumstance that took something from me as in an accident...or a war. This is that process I wrote of in my note Onions Make Me Cry.

And four - I learned what "forgiveness" is - and is not. I began to look at "forgiveness" in contexts other than personal relationships.

In my past, I was a Mortgage Broker/Banker. I dealt in finance, credit reports and so on. Part of my job was to assist folks to understand how their payment history of the past affected their ability to purchase their "dream home" of today especially when they had gotten to that place of "foreclosure".

Another part of my job was to assist these folks to create a workable plan to dig themselves out of the mess they had made by abusing the trust of their lender.

When I looked at "forgiveness" from this perspective it became much easier to see how I could actually "forgive" those who had abused my trust and dependence on them to care for and protect me as a child or those connected to the trauma experiences of my adult life.

This also helped me to understand that forgiving someone does not mean that I have to "extend them credit" in the form of my trust again.

This can be for however long I decide - just as a bank may say "no" to a new loan for up to the 7-10 years that default stays on my credit report, I can also set some limits to see if over time those in my life have learned to treat me and others as they deserve to be treated or not.

And there are some banks that would give some folks a "second chance" with a loan at very high interest to help them re-establish their credit rating as an opportunity to prove they have learned their lesson...

So I can choose to let someone back into my life or close the door permanently.

But I discovered the choice was mine as to if I let them “borrow” from me again or not.

"Forgiveness does not change the past, it creates hope for the future" ~Unknown

See the related posts Paying Homage to the Past here and Onions Make Me Cry here.


 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!
`

UNstuckness!

Sometimes in this journey I find myself well, STUCK.

Stuck like caught in the mud and the mire of stuckness. This is that place where I KNOW all about the things that I should be doing, want to be doing and know how to do.

But not doing them.

Stuck.

"Why" am I STUCK? Well, a counselor once told me that "stuck" is a form of disscociation. And in some instances I can see how that is...especially on days that I had found myself "zoning out" and not remembering what the hell happened to the last 8 hours....

What I've come realize though is that whatever you want to call it or say is the cause - focussing on that is not helpful to finding my way out of STUCK.

So when I catch myself feeling "stuck" I have a few activities that I do to help take myself of of AUTOstuck and get back in the groove of my day.

So here's a couple of things I've used to help push me from stuck - to UN stuck...

1. At different times I've used what I call a "Brain Dump". This is where I just close my eyes and start typing (or writing in a notebook). At this point I intentionally stop ruminating and chasing those never ending thoughts that are racing through my head and I write the first words that come to my mind and the only thoughts I focus on are answering the questions:

1. why am I stuck and 2. what can I do to get UN stuck?

The example below is from a recent day when I was having a lot of physical pain and in a period of "stuck". Notice the pattern of thought...and how I found my own solution in this process:

Today is hard. I’m stuck. Again. Still. I’m not moving forward because I’m in pain and I need to exercise. I'm not exercising because I don’t have summer workout clothes and I need new gym shoes. I don’t have those because I haven't done my budget this month. I don't have the budget done because I can't find the bills to pay and I won't go shopping until the bills are paid. I can't find the bills because the mail is piling up again. The mail is piling up because I'm feeling stuck.

2. One thing. Forward movement creates an energy that naturally takes us to the next action. By taking my brain off "autopilot" and "spinning" on the racing thoughts that can come when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I purpose, with intention to simply take ONE action and trust that the next action will come from the energy created from the first.

In this situation, the first ONE action might be to sort the mail and separate the bills from the rest of the mail.

This action would then take me to the next action of balancing my checkbook in order to pay the bills which would free me up to be able to go shopping to buy what I need to take care of myself and get to the gym or go outside to walk since I now have season appropriate clothes to wear - and I feel good because I was able to resolve my own problem and take care of myself.

True - this is maybe a simplified version of how "stuckness" can cause us to "freeze" and feel unable to impact the outcome of our life. It is also a very effective tool for identifying those times when I am feeling "powerless" and "victim" to the "symptoms" that ran my life and kept me dependent on outside solutions.

While going through and doing this kind of self analyzing can be hard when what we really want is someone to take care of us , tell us what to do or how to "fix" whatever is "wrong" with us...it is also the one most self empowering things that I can do to take myself off STUCK and put my life back on the fast track to another opportunity to kind of say "in your face" to a past that left me feeling very disempowered and prove to myself once again that I can - and I am - doing this.

Q: what thoughts or actions have you taken in the past to help coax yourself from STUCK to UNstuck?

This Blog is Not Dead ....

This post will remain as a holding place and thank you note for following A Journey and on twitter - Zebdot :) I have enjoyed your notes, comments and emails over the past years. Please join me at my newest blog Empowering Solutions here as I spread my own wings and live my passion to help others who felt hopeless and powerless to find their hope by finding their power. Thank you for sharing this journey with me and I hope to see you there and perhaps back here one day. Susan

This Blog is not dead - not by a long shot. 

Although - it may seem that it is to the readers and followers who haven't seen me here in some time and that posts have been long in coming - when they do come.

The thing is....

Life changes - and as it does....we need to be ready to change with it or risk getting lost in it. 

This blog began in 2009 when I was still experiencing the early aftermath of being lost in the mental health system that told me my life "issues" were really an "illness". You can read more about that here. If you are interested to read more about the journey I experienced when I came off the drugs that I was told I would need "for life" you can read about how I realized it was the drugs that were causing the "illness" and how my journey to freedom from them started in 2007 here at Beyond Meds. And here you can read about how I found myself on an adventure of making sense of this paradigm of "illness" and how I discovered truths that "set me free".

2009 was a year where I was trying to find my voice - literally. After a lifetime of being told by others that I held no value of my own - only what they gave me - I literally had no "voice"; I was shaking in my boots. I had no sense of "self"; I had no opinions of my own. I was a true "chameleon".

I struggled with knowing who I was, what I wanted, what I liked or disliked. This Blog became part of my journey of self-discovery; along the way I separated myself from those who needed me to be "less" so they could be "more". I made the decision to exist. 

The calendar turned and 2010 rolled around. I had given much to doing the "hard work" of healing myself and my life from an early life of physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse that spanned my entire childhood. I understood the meaning of the poem by Patrick Overton and wrote my own version of it here. The photo on that page tells the story well; I knew I could not NOT move forward - yet that was the only option I had at the time; I could live or die trying.

I was willing to "go through" the pain and struggle in order to "get out of it" in order to get to my "best life". I also realized that there was no one to "blame"and as much as I wanted "justice" I had remind myself that while I was not responsible for what others did to me - I am solely responsible for what I do with what they did to me .  Here I also wrote a blog post about how I learned to find my own courage to do this. I learned a lot about Compassion and learning to let go of the need for justice that I would never get. 

I shared my story publicly for the first time in April of 2010 when Michele Rosenthal of Heal My PTSD invited me to do a radio interview. This in turn led to my own Blog Talk Radio series with Heal My PTSD and then in 2011 my own Blog Talk Radio channel - Empowering Solutions and a Facebook page here. 

The year 2012 continued to be part of this amazing journey. My private Facebook posts had become a community page; people who were in pain and struggling continued to reach out to me as I continued to post all the while wondering just what it was that I had that they found themselves drawn to. And what I kept hearing over and over was "thank you. I have never heard this before", "Your post today hit home with me".

And I realized that it was true - this journey is NOT about "fixing" something that is "broken" but about LEARNING how to do life differently; how to "be" and be separate from those who tell us we don't exist or exist only to serve their purposes, what they give us "permission" for.

 As 2012 came to a close I realized that a lot of what I had written in the past 4 years was about the story we tell ourselves and how in changing the story - we could change our lives.  My posting schedule began to wax and wane. 2012 closed with less than 40 posts - all year and 2013 has left me wondering: "What is it that I am supposed to be doing?". 

So here we are. 

2013 is slowly coming to a close and I do not feel that this is the "end" - but rather the beginning of a new adventure. An adventure that I'd like to invite you to join me on as we continue to explore the bigger world beyond our pain and struggle, finding our hope for a better future for ourselves and our families by finding that, like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ, we had the power all along:

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda, the Good Witch: You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn’t you tell her before?
Glinda, the Good Witch: Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

I hope you'll join me here at the Facebook Community page. 

2014 is going to be a very good year - for all of us. :)

Namaste, bells, whistles and a little bit of Glinda's glitter.....:)

Susan

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!™