I can and I will!

For those of you who are new to A Journey .... the focus on this blog is to share the journey about how I once was a victim and the path I've take where I have learned how to no longer be that perpetual victim by learning to see myself as much more than a survivor and as the creator of the "best life" that I wanted for myself. 

Like a lot of people who seek help for their well being, life issues and relationship struggles....

I felt powerless to do anything about the miserable lot in life I'd been handed. 

I was stuck in my victim-ness.

I wallowed in it.

I reminded anyone

and everyone

who would listen

just how much of a victim of life I was with all of my complaining and commiserating about the struggle life was for me.


To become the creator of my best life I had to be willing to learn how to no longer be a victim of life. 

And along the way I've discovered many others who feel the same or similar.

"Life sucks."

But they don't know how to crawl out of that hole.

So today - a few steps you can take to take back your power and engage with becoming the creator of your own "best life"....where I began to learn how to live beyond that perpetual place of pain and misery....

Note: "perpetual"meaning that I was perpetuaing this helplessness and hopelessness by the way I had learned to engage with and view my life and my world....I was unwittingly "creating" the life I was experiencing...)

1. Step one and an empowering solution was to learn to differentiate between those two places of "being"a Victim of life and be-coming the Creator of my best life.

Today ask yourself "why am I unhappy?" and then ask "what can I do about it?"

The answer to those questions always directed me to my next step because as a child victim I WAS powerless.   But as an adult creator I am NO LONGER powerless.

That "knowing" - that I am no longer powerless and no longer have to be a victim - allowed me to move to the next step which is action.

     2. If I, as an adult creator, don't know what to "do" my task then is to learn "how" in order that I have the knowledge to "what" to do. 

That - is what Empowering Solutions is about.

The daily notes and tiny bites and bits of knowledge that became the power behind the truth that set me free...

That I WAS a victim

I am and NO LONGER have to be a victim

and I can LEARN how to create my own unlimited life.

It takes time and it begins with being willing to let go of the idea that "I can't" with the first lesson being learning to make that mind shift to "I can and I will....just watch me!"

Love seeing your light:)

Susan

PS...Join Amy Eden and myself this Sunday morning for Sunday Solutions - we'll be chatting about how we learned to recognize why we were the ones with "kick me" taped to our backside. Learning to no longer be that perpetual victim....on Blog Talk Radio - get the archived version or listen live September 23rd by clicking here.

I'm glad you are here...thanks for reading - please considering sharing:) 


 

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Learning to Live is Different than Waiting to Die

Newport Beach, California 2010

Learning to create my life from the inside out is THE most "em"powering lesson I learned.

In a nutshell:

First....I  AM powerless over things that exist outside of my physical body - people, places and things or circumstances that exist outside of my personal physical self and environment.

This includes other people....

The things they...

Think, do and say.

The way others express their own needs in the things they do and say - is outside of my control or influence.

 A helpful hint I found about putting this in perspective....

Keeping in mind that when someone begins a sentence with "You...." what they are saying is "I am feeling angry or afraid that this is outside of my control and I need to try to shape or influence what you are doing or saying to make myself feel safe". 

Huge life lesson for me and one I am still learning day by day.

The key was to learn to see this in myself that I could have compassion for those who couldn't see it at all.

Secone....I am NOT powerless over what I do think feel or say or...the story I tell myself about the things that are outside of my control. 

Which sort of flies in the face of those who for many years told me that I was actually powerless over my thoughts, feelings, moods, physical health, my body....

That something was "wrong" with me....not the abuse, neglect and emotional/psychological brainwashing that left me believing they were right. 

Yet - here I am today...no longer depressed, chronically dissociating, feeling fragmented, alone or isolated. 

Learning to listen to my inner world that I might create the outer world, life and circumstances that allows me to live and experience my "best life"...even when things aren't so good. 

The key here?

Learning to recognize that where others told me I was powerless, disordered and that my distress was chronic long lasting and unchangeable...

These individuals were often also profiting from my dependence on them in one way or another either directly or indirectly.

A key component in any abusive relationship is when someone says...

Something is wrong with you and you can't do this without me. 

That goes for family, friends and health care providers.

We always have a choice and any "provider" or person that encourages dependence?

Well...I lived in that place for nearly 20 years while under the influence of chemicals that inhibited my ability to think clearly or function in any capacity so ....ummm...I sort of have some prejudice about working with therapists and other "mental health" providers - but...this post about finding helpful help - might be helpful: How to tell an average therapist from a great therapist and see my post I am not a can of soup here to read about how I began to learn the language of life around re-defining who I chose to be...my "self". 

The life lesson? 

• I AM powerless over circumstances and situations that exist outside of my personal physical, emotional, environmental space

Which also means...

• I am NOT powerless over the environment I choose to create and where my physical, emotional and psychological "self" resides and....

The next life lesson?


Its up to me to create a place of safety for myself.

As a child - I had not choice, no resources, no escape.

As an adult...

Well....

If I'm still in unsafe environments where I'm still being put down, shut up, dismissed or abused in any way...

Then its up to me to learn to use the resources available to find my way to safety and understand that while that may have been my normal...


It is not healthy and I can learn to live beyond that place where I felt as though it was my responsibility to change who I was and tolerate being abused and otherwise mistreated in order to not be abandoned. 



Truth is....

While I still felt "childlike" and wished, hoped and dreamed for my "knight in shining armor"...

What I found...

Is that no one can rescue an adult. 


And...


That adults cannot be abandoned. 


We make choices to stay or to go. 


Abandonment "issues" are issues to be resolved and when they aren't - they are often recreated. 

Bottom line for me became understanding that the learned helplessness and fear of abandonment of the past fueled that sense of hopelessness as an adult that left me unable to see that I was truly the creator of my today and my tomorrow. 

I felt helpless to shape my "self" let alone my world or life experiences. 

It was in learning the language of life....

That I began to become the creator of...my life:) 

You may have been powerless - but are no longer. 

The key is to learn to identify that feeling powerless...

Is much different than being powerless.

Learning to live is different than waiting to die - which is where I was until I discovered that I held the power to become the creator of my "self" and my life. 

Language...can give life or create death. 

I lived the life of what I call the "living dead" for a very long time.

Today?

I choose life.

Won't you join me? 

It is possible to learn to claim our power, to become the creator of our own "best life".

What does your best life look like? 

If the past never happened...and all the ducks were in a row....

What would your life look like at the end of it? 

That is where we begin...

With the end in mind.

This is how we begin to let go of the past...

By learning how to create our future.

Uh huh!

Not rocket science for sure....

Not always easy either.

But damned sure worth it.

Welcome....to your life:) 

Always amazed at the light that surrounds you....

Susan:)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth! Go here www.empoweringsolutionsnow.com to register to get more empowering solutions in your inbox and be on the list to receive my gift to you, my first ebook when it is published: Empowering Solutions: From the Beginning.

Trick Question! Pain? Or No Pain?

I posted this on my FaceBook page a few days ago: If you were given a choice to choose to be free of the pain of the past or choose an opporunity to learn to create your own best life - what would you choose? Exactly!

Trick question...or is it?

I think it is safe to assume that everyone - or most everyone - would like to be free of the pain of the past. To let go of the emotional distress and internal pain and conflict, to quiet the noise of a racing mind. To find peace from the cognitive distortions that can leave us feeling afraid and unsure. To quench the idea that suicide or other self harming/self destructive behavior is the only relief to be found from the torment of a mind that seems uncontrollable and a past that haunts us day and night.

But does everyone - or most everyone - know they have options and can learn to create their best life after being diagnosed with a mental illness? That it is possible to not simply survive day to day by managing symptoms and coping...but to live, to thrive, to dream and to reach for, to live each day to its fullest? To become all they are capable of being?

For a long time, I didn't.

But that changed when I met someone who had been there and done that - and was willing to shine and share their light on a new path in my journey. It was a path that had been there all along, but I hadn't seen it through the darkness and chaos of a racing mind and sense of hopelessness and helplessness that I could ever be and be "ok".

It was a path where I discovered that under the brush and weeds of the dark jungle in my mind, I found that I had had what I needed to find my way out of the darkest places within myself; that it had been there all along and I needed only to learn how to access this wisdom within myself.

I learned that I had the power to change my life - that I had a choice other than to continue to live at the mercy of racing thoughts and unstable emotions.

Here is the correction I posted on my FaceBook page: Lets revise that! A choice to STAY in the pain of the past or choose to be free of it - which would you choose?

"Managing" the symptoms of "mental illness" served only to help me survive another day, another night only to repeat that process the next day, week, month and eventually years; there was no freedom, I was prisoner to this torment. My life revolved around and was consumed by simply surviving, trying to hold the demons at bay.

Yet I have since found freedom. I discovered that I did not have to STAY in that pain and avoidance; that I could choose to be free of it. Free of the emotional instability, the cognitive distortions that colored my reality, the hopelessness that I could ever have more, the helplessness that kept me dependent on sources outside of myself to guide my life, the belief that to cope and survive was the best I could hope for.

I discovered that I could LEARN how to live in the self awareness and develop the insight that has allowed me to find freedom from the pain of the past and and create my best life - which is simply the life of my choosing each day.

*****

If you are looking for resources I've posted some links here. Not an exhaustive collection by any means but a good place to start :)

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Action Trumps Acceptance: Become the Creator

Christopher Reeves modeled for me
what it means to live in acceptance of what is
without letting it define what could be

Acceptance is a good place to be.

Learning to recognize and let go of what's not mine, learning to see myself as separate from others yet a part of a bigger world...

Was and is a big deal.

Acceptance of what was...

And of what is....

Is huge.

Freeing.

Empowering.

As I learn to accept those things that are outside of my control....

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change


Courage to change the things I can


And the wisdom to know the difference....

I got hung up on the first line of accepting what I cannot change.

But its the second line that gave me the power to shift from being a passive participant in life to becoming the creator of my life.

Hows that?

I came to understand that acceptance of what is beyond my control is only the beginning.

And that I'd missed the rest of the story - that I had become a passive observer of life....

Rather than the creator of my life.

Learning to live beyond that deep sense of powerlessness that left me hopeless is where I found my power....

And my hope.

You have the power to create your own unlimited life...

Regardless of what it is that you have come to accept as beyond your control.

Living in passive acceptance is different than living in acceptance. 

Healing is about learning to let go, yes.

Healing is also about learning to live....


And live well. *

Today....

Try simply observing the times you may be feeling distressed, overwhelmed...powerless. 


Ride that feeling....to and through the anger, the grief...the fear.


Now look up...


And realize that this moment...


All is well and you....


Are the creator of  your "best life". 

Learning to let go is hard.

Learning to accept those things we cannot change or control is hard.

Learning to live is learning to accept those things of the past that haunt us and hunt us.

And accepting that today...

Truly is mine to create.

Acceptance is trumped only by Action.

Accept - yes.

But never settle.

You have the power.

It lives within you....

To shape and create the today that will take you to your tomorrow. 

It may not be what it might have been had you not suffered.

But it will always be the life that wasn't if we cannot let go of the life that was and the one that will never be because of our suffering. 

Action is the card that trumps acceptance and becomes the fuel that empowers us to push on and through to create our best life when today is hard because of yesterdays hurt.

Always here...

Always amazed by you:)

Susan

* Link: The Best Therapy for "mental illness": Recovery is about learning to live well. That is all. 

1. Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 

 Go here www.empoweringsolutionsnow.com to register for Project 360 to get more empowering solutions in your inbox and be on the list to receive my gift to you, my first ebook: Empowering Solutions: From the Beginning.

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Sometimes this just sucks rocks...BIG rocks

Sometimes this journey sucks. It just plain sucks...rocks. Big Rocks.

And sometimes I just have to poke fun at myself, like catching myself with the infamous "yeah - but" response to anyone who tried to coax me into looking at the glass half full...

Are you a citizen of the country that speaks "yabut"? ie Yeah - but it won't happen for me because of (fillintheblankcheckhere).

I didn't realize that I was creating my life by accepting the limiting perspective that was given to me by the well intentioned folks who were telling me that "mental illness is for life". I have since learned that I can "write my own check" and make my life what I want it to be - instead of what someone else tells me it is.

Did you know that you can write your own ticket to the city named anywhereintheworld? But you'll have to leave the country of yabut first!

And once I learned to be aware of and to challenge that "glass half full" thinking, I was able to decide that regardless of what others had to say...that I had the power to choose and create my best life each and every day.

If you believe you can - you most likely will. If you believe you can't - you most likely won't.

And it all began with believing there were options other that what I had been told were available to me. The journey has been bumpy for sure on somedays but I am finally the artist and my life is the canvas.

Have fun creating your best life ever today!

****

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If you are looking for ideas on how to create you own best life try starting with the Resources tab at the top of this page. It's not an exhaustive collection by any means but a good place to start :)



I'm glad you stopped by today!

Happiness is a choice? Then why am I not happy?

I'd hear the saying "happiness is choice"…

And feel worse.

What was wrong with me that I wasn't able to be happy? 

Indeed…

There had to be something "wrong" with me. 

I mean seriously wrong with me.

I was angry.

I was sometimes mean.

I was oftentimes driven to be busy, busy, busy.

But I was not "happy".

So - when I sought help - it was confirmed that something was wrong - terribly wrong with me. 

My brain was indeed broken.

I had a "disease" - like *diabetes! 

I had an "illness" that affected my ability to be "happy".

Aha! That explained it!

A "diagnosis" made it all make sense.

Yet - the prescribed "treatments" that were supposed to make me "feel" better - never worked. 

I settled into a life of "less than" "for the rest of my life".

And stayed there.

UNTIL I met someone who had traveled this path before me and discovered their own truth and shared it with me…

That there was nothing "wrong" with me other than I did not know how to access the power that lives in each of us to see myself as the creator of my own "best life". 

Tip: if happiness has eluded you….set a goal for yourself and each day take steps toward that goal.

Maybe its a goal to move to a new home, get a new job or go back to school.

Maybe its a goal to learn how to become more self sufficient; to learn how to be less "reactive" and more "responsive". Or maybe to learn the difference between "boundaries" and "walls".

Whether your goal is to be-come your best self through personal development learning strategies or to do or have something that you have longed for…

The best remedy for chronic sadness is to focus on what makes us happy and find our own empowering solutions when we aren't'.

True stuff.

Susan :)


*Diabetes - the whole paradigm built on the idea that "mental illness" is a disease like diabetes is more true than we know. First we must differentiate between type 1 and type 2 diabetes. In type 1 - there is a real physical issue that cannot be fixed. One is born with this. It is diagnosable through medical tests. In type 2 - this diabetes is brought on by overconsumption of refined sugar and can be reversed with diet and exercise. In considering the issues of "mental illness" in this context we must remember that there is NO diagnostic test for this - therefore these issues are not the same as type 1 diabetes which can be diagnosed and treated. In the context of type 2 diabetes - the issues of so called "mental illness" are also brought on by life experiences albeit more complex than just consuming enormous amounts of refunded sugar although refined sugar has been proven to cause issues that can be labeled "mental illness". For more on this I can recommend visiting Beyond Meds articles on gut health, this article at Mercola on sugar and mental illness, this article on gluten and schizophrenia, and there are numerous studies revealing the impact of childhood trauma to what is labeled "mental illness". In addition, very often the "medicine" we are given becomes the cause of the "illness" as I experienced. All this as food for thought and to point out - these issues do not have to be "for life" and the "mental illness" model is 1. not an effective life model and 2. it is not the only model, or paradigm, about the human condition, the life we live or the struggles we face - although it is the only one we hear about when we ask for "help". 

Be informed to be empowered. 

For more on these issues please visit www.beyondmeds.com 

Resources

Visit the archives to the Empowering Solutions podcast here for real life solutions to real life and relationship issues.

Follow the Empowering Solutions community page here for daily tips on learning to live beyond the drama and trauma of our past…

And the Empowering Solutions blog is here for articles and essays on life and life issues. 

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No longer a victim and much more than a survivor

Become the Creator
of your own
"unlimited life"

A quick note today...


About the "aha"


That became the truth


That set me free. 

Like many others who were living a life of "less than"...

I subscribed to the idea that "support" was that place where I could vent

bitch

and moan

about my past

my pain

my today

yesterday

and tomorrow.

That just really

really

sucked.

And I lived there for what seemed 

forever.

And in time

I discovered that there is a time and a place for seeking "support" that actually supports my journey 

into

through

and out of the muck

instead of staying

stuck

in it.

Pouring my pain out day after day with no conscious effort to learn to live beyond it is what I identified in myself as being that "perpetual victim". **


Learning to take responsibility for creating my day included learning how to take responsibility for my life outcome.

Day by day.

Moment by moment.

It meant learning the difference between living in the mindset of  "blame" 

While letting go of the self blame and shame that fueled my self hatred and perpetuated my victimhood. 

Which I wore very welll...btw:) 

This is the place where I give responsibility to those who let me down 


And take responsibility for becoming the creator of my own "best" life.

Focusing on my pain, seeking sympathy in the guise of "support" kept me stuck and struggling for many many years. 

I'd been victimized - I was no longer a victim. 

I had survived - but wanted to live beyond survival. 

This is my passion today...

To share the truth that set me free and allowed me to become the creator of my "best life" vs the perpetual victim of life. 

The biggest lesson I learned about the emotional healing journey?

Is that its not about "fixing" what was broken

but about learning how to live.

This week...

Use your inner wisdom to guide you to a place where you are allowed to feel your pain and grow through it instead of staying stuck in it.

Thank the helpful friends who offer their sage advice and - find those who will allow you your voice. 

Seek comfort in compassion vs distraction.

Learning to sit with and go through our pain is how we grow beyond it. 

I'm sorry you suffered.

I'm sorry for the losses you experienced...

I feel angry knowing that there are many who have experienced RBT's* at the hand of those who were intended to love, honor and cherish...charged to nurture, guide and celebrate the life that lives in you.

And I'm so

so

so

grateful

You have chosen to share the journey.

We were powerless.

We are no more.

We can take back our todays

Create our tomorrows

And live the life we adore.

You've got the magic in you. 

Now...

Lights!

Camara!

Action!

You're on!

Let your light shine in the way you create your life.


It. Is. Never


"Too late".


Always there...

Susan

We can learn to live beyond the pain of the past and take back our tomorrows by the way we choose to live our today. 

True story:)

RBT's* = Really Bad Things (and I am so so sorry you or someone you know may have experienced RBT's) 

**(The opposite of of a constant focus on our pain is denying, avoiding and otherwise ignoring that I'm even in pain - listen in here for a story about that: Empowering Solutions on Blog Talk Radio with Heal My PTSD)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 
 Go here www.empoweringsolutionsnow.com to register to get more empowering solutions in your inbox and be on the list to receive my gift to you, my first ebook when it is published: Empowering Solutions: From the Beginning.

Register for the Empowering Solutions news and updates here...

Am I Living My Own Truth?

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This post is a continuation of this post "Seeking and Living our own "truth" that stemmed from this quote:

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." ~ Andre Gide

In learning to recognize when and if I am living my own truth or if I am trying to live up to the truth of another, there are many indicators that I’ve learned to pay attention to. Today I wanted to share a few of them here….

Sharing: in living my own truth, I am free to share the parts of my life that I choose to share; my experiences are respected as my own, my feelings about my experiences are validated, I feel heard and safe.

In relationships that are based on the truth of another, it feels more like I have been questioned or am undergoing an interrogation. If I attempt to not be fully disclosing about something in my life I may be demeaned or criticized as though it is a personal affront or somehow inappropriate to have this personal boundary.

Relationships supportive of my seeking my own truth are supportive and respectful of my thoughts, feelings and choices without asking for or expecting justification.

In relationships where I may be following someone else’s truth I may feel as though I am supposed to explain my thoughts, feelings and experiences in order to make them valid or that someone else is giving them value for them to even have any value or be legitimate.

Creating change: Relationships that support me in seeking my own truth support and accept the natural changes that occur in me and my life as I grow.

When I've found myself trying to conform to or live the truth of another I've consistantly found that these relationships often discourage my growth and often send me “change back” messages that discourage change.

This can become confusing because sometimes these relationships would profess support for the positive changes in my life and choices I was making but then they would remind me that I was really incapable of doing life on my own terms by cautioning me and reminding me of my previous attempts to fly on my own and how I had failed before.

Obligation: When I am seeking my own truth my relationships support me as capable of asking for what I need whereas in the truth of another I was often told what I needed.

If I didn’t agree or adopt this truth of another I might experience some sort of criticism intended to shape my chosen truth to compliance. Guilting or shaming is often used to shape resistance into compliance.

I often felt obligated to accept the "help" that was offered, even though it was not the help or support I had asked for and that would have made the biggest difference in my own quest for my own truth.

I was often reminded that I was incapable of deciding for myself what it was that I needed or wanted; that someone else knew better and was acting in my "best interest". Sometimes this was blatent, other times more subtle; but the message was always "if you did what I told you to do this problem would go away".

In summary – when I was living the truth of another, I felt incapable and often insignificant.

I doubted my own ability to seek, discover and live my own truth because I was so invested in living up to the expectations of the truth of another. I felt powerless and ultimately hopeless that I even had my own “truth” let alone that it was ok for me to want it and seek it out.

The best way I have found to determine today if I am living my own truth vs being invested in living the truth of another?

I learned to trust that deep knowing and understanding that I truly am my own best resource; that I don't need anyone or anything to give me or my life value.

I understand the difference between seeking feedback and seeking permission.

I let go of the idea that I was somehow not "good enough" and that I am somehow broken by rejecting those thoughts and choosing thoughts that supported the idea that I am capable.

I focus on the idea and thoughts that each day I have done my best and tomorrow is another opportunity to continue to learn, grow and change as I continue to seek the knowledge that will offer me the wisdom that I truly am capable of creating and living my own best life, my own “truth”.

I remind myself daily that I am - and that is the only justification that I need.

I over-ride the old messages and shame from the past and tell myself consistently that..

my best IS good enough... and that "I am"

and that is enough.

I'd like to invite you to register for the free email notification on the top left of this page so you don't miss out on the next post in this series "To Thine Own Self Be True" and what a possible solution is if you think you may be living the truth of another.

Q: Are you living your own truth today?

Getting A Life, Finding Your Hope: Mental "Wellness"

What is it that you want your life to look like?

Let's play a game...you know, gettin' silly wi it for awhile. :) (are ya feelin' the Will Smith thing I've got goin' on?! :)

We've spent a whole month looking at and reading lots of stuff about "mental health", "mental illness". After all - May is "Mental Health Awareness Month" you know. :)

Let's change that.

Let's take a look at finding "Mental Wellness" and lose the conversation about all the other stuff for a minute. Let's just focus on finding "wellness", what say?

So lets toss down the the 'tude...peel back the protective shell, shake off the stress, blow out the anger...

and imagine............

Life is good. I can close my eyes and in my minds eye as I turn my face upward toward the sky, I'm outside in the warm spring air, standing at the top of a green knoll. I feel the warm breeze brushing gently across my skin. My cheeks are warmed by the sun, I feel my hair being tousled by the wind. My arms want to reach up to the sky and I stretch, stretch....further. My toes wrap around the the grass that is so green I can smell it's clean, fresh scent...

And I am good. I'm at peace, I feel joy that wells up within my being and feels as though it might burst from my chest. In my minds eye I'm running, free, childlike and happy; thrilled at this simple moment that is my entire life.

I'm embracing my "now", living my life...

Instead of wishing I could "get a life" as I did for such a long, long time.

This is the dream that kept me going over those years where I was lost in that dark place. This dream was buried beneath a lot of stuff, issues, pain.

But as I reached deep within myself and began to peel back the layers, one by one, I was able to grieve the losses, the hurt, the pain. To let go of the rage at the injustice of what I had survived - without justice no less. To release and no longer relive the life experiences that made me who I had been - a person doing the best I could with what I had to offer the world....

And I heard someone tell me that the only way out, was through...

That I could learn to do better, be better...

Be whole.

There were no short cuts, no doctor, pill or therapist that could magically make me "better", stop the panic, the nightmares, the flashbacks that I would shut out by dissociation as the drugs and alcohol had lost its luster long ago.

Depression, dysthymia, mania, psychosis, paranoia, racing thoughts, isolation, rocky and abusive relationships - this was the life I'd been living and told was my "lot" in life. There was no way to fix whatever was "disordered" in my life or to turn it around and make me - my life - ordered.

I heard for the first time that I had the power to learn to change these things that had made my life the hell I had survived all these years in that mind numbing state that I called the "land of the living dead".

And I was pissed.

Pissed off at the world, that I'd never even been close to creating the fantasy life I'd lived in my head all those years. At the providers I'd gone to for "help" and who told me that there was no solution, no "cure", that this was to be my life forever - that I needed their help, their "treatments" to survive, but that I would never thrive or grow beyond what I was.

Broken.

And I took that anger and directed it, with purpose, into becoming my own best resource. I drew my own map, discovered my own learning process and set off on the most amazing journey of my life. I did this with purpose and intent; with awareness and finding the insight that would set me free...

And found my way here.

To the life that I choose...every day.

Q: What is your dream? What do you want your life to look like? Close your eyes for a moment and reach back to that place that you loved - or create a new one if you lost or haven't had your own dream before. What does it look like? What do you feel? Freedom? The sound of the ocean? The heat of the desert?

Where do you find your hope?

Where do you find your own empowering solutions?

True or False: my healing and happiness is dependent on someone or something outside of myself changing

Here's a "true or false" question...

"Changing my life begins with changing the people in my life or the circumstances of my life"

This is partially true.

Living this self-empowered life has brought changes, many good changes, to my life. But not one of them was because of what someone else did or a circumstance that affected these changes.

The change from within is what changed my life.

True - when we change us, oftentimes our relationships will evolve or even go the wayside as we become healthier and learn how to identify unhealthy relationships and find ourselves with a new tolerance for behaviors that are no longer tolerable.

And true again - sometimes in this life changing process of healing, hope and self discovery our environment and life circumstance changes as we grow and begin to reach for and live in our full potential.

But unless we change from the inside out...we'll wake up beside a different spouse/partner and find ourselves living the same drama at home, at work, in our relationships and life circumstances - because no matter what external changes we make in our life...we still wake up with us every day.

Over the years, I'd heard the idea that I could only change me, that I can run from my problems but would still wake up with me every day, that I was powerless to change others, I could only change myself.

But I didn't get it.

Until I started looking inside myself for the source of my miserableness instead of searching outside myself for the next right job, partner, spouse, house, car, therapist, doctor, pill - that would "fix" me or make me smile - at least until I became miserable again.

Then the quest would start over as I shopped, ate (or didn't eat), drank, fought, argued and once again re-created the drama that indicated that it was time once again to make some external change.

And for awhile my world was in order - as long as I could orchestrate my life - but god help anyone or anything that didn't fit into my plan of how life should look.

I was dependent on external source - people, places and things - to derive my sense of worth and happiness from.

I was living in a cycle. And it was exhausting.

When I finally depleted all of the external resources and exhausted my personal energy in my quest to live and be happy I found the best resource that would change my life.

Me.

And this takes us back to the topic of "Labels" as one of those internal changes that changed my life, my mood, my dependence on people, places and things outside of myself in my search for health and happiness.

It is possible to create change and live the life we choose without having to "hit bottom". Knowledge is empowering and finding our own personal truth sets us free; I hope you'll join me here again as we continue this quest and lay the foundation for you to find your own answers and learn how to live your own truth that sets you free.

Your feedback is appreciated and helpful...please leave your thoughts, comments or questions about this idea of internal vs. external changes....

Have fun creating your own best day ever!

There is no one to blame

A sobering thought I was contemplating....

Trauma/drama and dysfunction does not discriminate. There are no particular demographics. This is not a "boy" thing or a "girl" thing. Its not a thing where there is fault or blame although until a generation learns to change the way they view and engage with life we will pass this way of surviving/experiencing life to our children. It is by ending the desire to "blame" that perhaps we will end the perpetuating of the pain. Men blame women. Women blame men. Children blame parents. Parents blame children. When we all stop blaming and start doing our own work to heal our own pain  is perhaps when we will have healed enough to have healed the world. 

In others words...

Be the change.


When we stop blaming and start making others responsible for the things they do and say, establishing healthy boundaries and begin  communicating how their actions affected us instead of shaming and blaming them for how awful our life is today...


That, my friends....

Was a hard change to make.

I wanted revenge.

Justice.

I wanted to make them suffer the way they made me suffer.

The only thing with that?

Is that made me like them.

I know. 

It sucks.

Its hard.

It hurts.

And...

We are more powerful than we know....

The first step to tapping that power is letting go of believing we are still powerless. 

Letting go of the blame?

Meant I'd have no one to blame.

Get it?

To say it another way....

When I let go of the idea that something was "wrong" with me....

I had to  look at "ok then - well why am I so f*****d up?"

Of course!

Its my parents/husband/wife/kids/job/boss/therapist/the mailman, the milkman....I got fired, I was mugged, I was....

When there was no one to blame for why I was in such pain...

I had to go through the pain.

I could no longer avoid it. 

When I had no one else to blame...

I had to also become responsible.

What?

No - not responsible for what others have done that hurt me.

Responsible to learn how to deal with that hurt in a new way.

Learning how to let go of the childlike way of blame and hoping someone would rescue me, pay attention to me, understand me....

It became a truth that set me free...

Learning how to be responsible for myself to go through the pain instead of hanging onto it. 

(Deep breath here...)

I had to learn how to let go of the past...

that I could enjoy my today

and create my tomorrow. 



And the miracle?

Was that in learning to heal myself and "be the change" I wanted to see in the world?

I began to see things change in the world around me. 

Hard work; I get that and I'm feelin' it.

I'm right there with ya. 

You can do this. 

Be-come the creator of your own "best life". 

It is never too late. 

Always,

Susan:) 


Here are some other posts from the archives that talk a bit more about the how behind finding my healing and making it ok to let go of the past in order to begin creating my future. 

Fighting Forgiveness - the how behind finding the path to forgiveness and my new understanding that forgiveness was about me - not them. 

No Longer a Victim and Much More than a Survivor - an excerpt: This is the place where I give responsibility to those who let me down...and take responsibility for becoming the creator of my own "best" life.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men an excerpt: And this was the place where I began to understand that as we begin to become the change we want to see in the world - that the world will begin to change.

It Wasn't Me. An excerpt: I was able to understand the difference between understanding that my past life experiences were the reason my life was f***ed up and...using my past as a reason why it is still f***ed up.

"story"? Or "Story"?  An excerpt: It was in shifting my Story to be about me, my anger at being violated, my power and my choice taken from me, to feel both the anger and the grief, to tell why this was important to me that I was able to move myself into, through and out of the healing process and give meaning to the backstory by telling MY story.


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Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!