On grief and loss - I know the pain that feels as though death would be the only relief and have found a new life after that kind of inner devastation. Let those big feelings out. Don't try to contain them for they will consume you from the inside out. Find a way to safely express your anger, angst and pain through some physical form. Run it out, walk it out, scream it out. Throw something and let it make the loud noise against the wall as you fall to the floor sobbing. Let go of those unable to sit with you or your pain. Let them go that you can find yourself. Dont try to find comfort from those who are not comforting. Give yourself a soft place to land each day. Visit the trees. Walk in the grass. Breathe with the clouds and know that with time it will hurt less and the hurt will come less often even though we know it never goes away completely.
Too often trauma survivors, regardless of the source of trauma, are expected to somehow magically be "ok", as if there were a clock, ticking and saying "hurry up; aren't you done yet?"
And if they aren't, they are somehow "disordered"; their very normal response to trauma is seen as something being "wrong" with them. The natural emotional healing process is too often seen as a character defect, we are conditioned to simply see ourselves through the lens of "illness" and in need of someone or something that will somehow make our pain go away.
In reality, we are often experiencing a very justified anger at the loss of control and the physical, emotional and mental injury of the trauma experience and grieving the losses around it.
It is in the validation of our experiences and the emotional and mental fallout from these experiences that we begin to heal.Compassion, a kind ear, a hug often do more than any elixir that could be prescribed.
And it was when I learned how to tell the difference between "story" (little s) and "Story" (big S) that I began to understand the power of
Story.
"story" I came to view from a writers perspective as "backstory".
"story" lays the groundwork, tells who the players are, give atmosphere and lays a foundation for the ending, like in a novel.
Its the framework for a creative ending.
But - if the entire novel is written only about the "backstory" that lays the framework the last chapter never gets written.
We are stuck in WRITERS HELL....
That file on our hard drive that is never quite finished
and causing us all kinds of irritation
or distress.
It is when we move from laying the groundwork, setting the stage and telling the backstory to telling about the emotion, the experiences and the drama behind our feelings about the 'story", like when we
that we begin to see how the story might evolve and in time come to a conclusion worthy of a pulitzer...
so to speak:)
Throughout my journey, when I was stuck on "story" that focussed on what others had done or things that had happened TO me - I was stuck in anger, resentment, hatred and rumination...
not resolution.
I was stuck in the pain of the past.
In time, I learned to recognize this was where I was at by who and what my focus was on.
If the focus of my story was on the things that had happened; the people, the places, the things going on that I'd had no choice in - well, those were things that I could not change.
(God, grant me serenity....)
These were those things I was truly powerless over - people and past circumstances.
That was backstory; the details, the players...the who, what, when and where of my bigger "Story" and the framework for the final chapter.
It was in shifting my Story to be about me, my anger at being violated, my power and my choice taken from me, to feel both the anger and the grief, to tell why this was important to me that I was able to move myself into, through and out of the healing process and
give meaning to the backstory by telling MY story.
Getting entangled in "story" made it impossible to tell my "Story" and write that new ending where I am
no longer
a victim
and much more
than a survivor
where I am
creating and living my best life
each day....
in spite of the past I'd had.
See the post: It is Unwritten....(today is where your book begins:))
In the past....the "past" was my nemesis. It often became so torturous that every thought, every sense was on high alert as I consciously and unconsciously avoided the triggers that were guaranteed to send me into a tailspin….yet another “meltdown”.
For a long time I engaged in a variety of coping skills that either put myself in danger or had me lashing out at and hating everyone and everything around me. I was “acting out” and “acting in”. Eventually I just shut down when I could no longer live in that pain and those behaviors no longer brought relief; I lived in a chronic state of dissociation and isolation for many years thereafter.
Then one day I had a very clear realization. I had a moment of insight – one of those “aha” moments where I suddenly became aware that by "avoiding" the past this way - either that of my recent past or that of the far gone past - that I was slowly losing my now AND my future because I was so obsessed with avoiding the pain of facing that which I felt so helpless to affect or change.
Part of that realization was understanding that the rumination of the life I’d had, the resentments, the anger at what I had survived and what I had lost in my lifetime because of other peoples actions or lack of action was holding me in this state of chronic pain.
Another part of this moment of enlightenment was that in order to get beyond this pain, to reclaim my life and begin to create the future I so wanted for myself that it was time to let go and begin to feel the pain instead of avoiding it.
It was time to begin to “go through” the anger not by attacking or lashing out at those around me or those who had hurt me – but by allowing myself to own that I first had the right to feel this rage that consumed me…as well as the responsibility to learn to express it safely and respectfully.
And this act led me to the grief that would wash me free of the pain of the past and free me from the prison I had lived in for so many years.
I was finally able to integrate the pain of surviving what I call “childhood horrors” and embrace who I am today.
And thus my journey to wellness shifted from being “mad at the world” to creating my best life where I became a part of the world around me, learning to live my life to it’s fullest instead of living in the isolation and shame that had held me prisoner for so long.
If you’ve found this note helpful – I’d like to suggest that you take a look at a couple of other notes in my archives…Fighting Forgivenessand Onions Make Me Cry.
Namaste.
“I see the light in you”
Susan
**
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