"Big Fat Borderline" ((may be triggering))

Those words - spat out by a nurse that I worked with - floored me.

She would often utter derogatory statements about the "consumers" that she "provided" mental health services to.

But these were the words that stuck with me and it's been about 5 years since I left that job. I'd been hired the year before to be sort of a "gal friday" in the office of the local work site for the mentally ill and mentally handicapped.

And the young woman that was the target of this psychiatric "Nurse" was carrying numerous "labels" in her chart and this was the label that got her the most disdain and abuse by staff and the local police and hospital.

And her behavior was typical of someone who is given the label "BPD"; she exhibited needy, childlike dependency that required much external validation, she engaged in self harm behaviors, was a frequent visitor to the emergency room, her emotions were intense and thinking was very black and white

and her social history was that of horrendous neglect and abuse as a small child.

I never did learn her entire story but another staff member, a "PHD", in the same facility broke confidentiality and shared parts of this young woman's history telling me in the end that she would "never" be "normal".

Well fricking no shit jack.

Excuse the language - but for real?

And this is part of what fuels me is how another person who has the degree's and letters behind their names is apparently deemed qualified to determine another's value and lay out their life for them as

hopeless

and requiring to be "managed"

instead of cared for and valued, their experiences validated

instead of treated as less than deserving of human compassion.

Today - this young woman is free of this facility that was eventually shut down by the state for many reasons.

I saw her recently and still see the scars from the lies that she has been told - that she is "broken" and "Borderline"

"ill"

and will never be anything other.

She proudly told me that she is doing what she is supposed to be doing to avoid hospitalization.

And my heart grieves for her and the loss of the life potential that might have been found had someone simply said

"it will be ok"

showed some compassion

and shined the light on the path of wellness for her

instead of the anchor of

"illness" and "compliance".

**

With all respect for the choices and journeys of those who read this blog, I share this post to bring light to a subject that is as taboo as the abuse that is often the cause of these issues of emotional and cognitive distress that we have come to call "mental illness".

This story is part of what fuels my passion for this message of wellness today. For each post I write, each story I tell, there is the memory of this young woman and hundreds and thousands more like her that live only the life they have been told they could have,many of them institutionalized and medicated since childhood; questions and hope for anything more, crushed as compliance and obedience become the objectives.

In my own personal journey through the current mental health system and then the realization that I had never been "ill" but rather "injured" evidenced by my amazing "recovery" - and the atrocities that I have witnessed in the facilities that I have been employed in that had no knowledge of my own personal history - I am grieved.

Resources:

RobertWhitakre's Anatomy of an Epidemic

A Tale of Two Boys

Developmental Trauma Disorder John Bessel Van Der Kolk

Sidran Institute

Beyond Meds

Heal My PTSD

Claiming a New Paradigm for Myself

The Pied Piper

Part of "finding my voice" in my personal journey of "self discovery" had been making it "ok" to have my own opinion or strong feelings about things and not being afraid to give voice to them.

Today then - in all respect to those who may view things differently, I've opted to publish my thoughts and feelings about my journey from "there" to "here" where I live my "best life" and opt to no longer blindly follow what I call the "Pied Piper".

Ok...here's one of my gripes about what has become the current model of the mental health system....

It says "follow me" - blindly.

I mean - I "get" that the mental health and social welfare system is full of folks who want to help others and have really great intentions...

What I don't "get" is how those who have suffered the intense emotional and cognitive distress have been led to believe

that these issues are unchangeable.

Are these issues "real"??

Well, duh....YES.

AND many who have taken upon themselves to find life outside this inflexible view

have found that these issues can be overcome with

new information that

leads to seeing this from a different perspective

and creates an

"understanding" that leads to

the golden moment of

"aha"!

“Insight

comes from

new information

that

leads us to

the awareness

that will

empower us

to

create our own change.”

~a zebism

I was told that I was "broken", "defective" and "disordered"

would need "meds" for the rest of my life.

I was discouraged from doing my own reading, research or from trying to create my own solutions, to find my own way out of that "dark place".

Told I was "intellectualizing", "difficult", "resistant"....

my hands were slapped and I was sent to the corner because I dared to

question

those in "authority".

And -

I did it anyway.

I went to school and became educated in "psychology" and took many classes on "philosophy", I read books and was

"non compliant" as I felt my way out of the darkness alone and blindly forging my way to the light - forward to the life

I chose for myself

instead of what I was told I could have.

I learned about my "issues"

what they were, what they looked like and through learning new information that led me to "insight" and "awareness" of my own thoughts, emotions and physical self

I kept plowing forward

refusing to return to "compliant".

And I just want to say that

these issues

of emotional and cognitive distress that can lead one down the road to hell on earth...

it is possible to learn how to create the change we want...

it is possible to learn how to manage the thoughts, emotions and behaviors that create what is termed "mental illness".

Was it as easy as taking a pill to calm the racing thoughts?

No.

Was it is as simple as grabbing the Ativan to ease the feelings of panic?

No.

Was it worth the effort, the time, the investment to learn how to create this change?

Hell yes.

I am not out to change anyones mind about the "bio genetic medical model" of what is termed "MI" or that "meds" don't have a place in this kind of journey...

But -

I believe that each of us has the right to be educated and completely, honestly and with complete transparency

informed that there is

another option

that we can learn how to create the change we want

that it is not as mystical, mysterious and magical to find this awareness and insight as I had been led to believe it was.

That it is possible to begin to live the life we want

not the diagnosis we were given.

We are a brilliant species. Our brain and body so much more capable than what we have often come to believe...

and it breaks my heart to see the potential that is lost to the belief that the only solution is to follow the Pied Piper.

**

You can read more behind my personal journey in the following posts....

Was it worth it?

Once Broken Does Not Mean Forever Broken

The Wind Never Lies

Black and White: The Zebra Effect

"I've got a feelin'"

I Ceased to Exist

Claiming A New Paradigm...For Myself

And if you are looking for resources to support your own journey, I'd like to invite you to check the Resources page here.

You're Nuts Not Traumatized - Life Sentence: schizophrenia

May is "Mental Health Awareness" month so for the balance of this month I thought I would continue to post along those lines that began with the post "The Wind Never Lies". Today's post discusses the basis of environment being the recognized catalyst for major "mental illness" diagnosis and my "rant" on how this is overlooked and victims of family "tension" are often re-victimized when their capacity to cope exceeds their available inner resources. Wednesday is a continuation of the discussion of "diagnosis" and the experience of yet another woman who experienced that "Sting of Stigma" and early next week we'll take a look at that idea of conditional vs the unconditional love that Mel gave to her friend Julie who lay dying after a serious physical illness was overlooked very possible because of her diagnosis of "Bi Polar Disorder". We'll end the month with a look at the difference between enabling and dependence vs. empowering solutions that might allow each person affected by mental health issues to create and live their best life in spite of "diagnosis".

Today's post: You're Nuts, Not Traumatized - Life Sentence: Schizophrenia

The onset of "mental illness", the "trigger" or preceptor to the onset of "mental illness" is often a major life stressor event.

That’s what the doctors told me when I asked them why I felt so bad. I mean - I'd been in a bad marriage for 10 years and recently escaped. The church I'd belonged to during those 10 years had shunned me when I filed the restraining order, I'd just discovered my daughter had been drinking on campus at middle school all year and I'd just put her in her first of many long term treatment facilities, I'd lost my job because of the PTSd issues, my house was entering foreclosure and this was just the first half of that "year from hell" in 1993...and my foundation for coping with all of this was being raised in parental abuse and neglect.

So it was clearly stated that it was long term exposure to life stressors that had "triggered" the onset of "mental illness"...yet - not once was it ever discussed that this was a natural response to some extraordinary life events, some of which had me fearing for mine and my childrens saftey.

So something was "wrong" with me is what I was told. And it was bio genetic, incurable. I'd need "meds" for the rest of my life.

Recently a friend asked me about my viewpoint that "mental illness" is an emotional response that triggers the chemical changes in our body that in the end, affects our behavior. The conversation was about that god-awful and what to date is the "worst" diagnosis one can be given - schizophrenia. Below is just one of many quotes, articles and websites on the idea of where "schizophrenia" begins from an article you can find here.

"Crisis and Life Changes and The Onset of Schizophrenia: Abstract: Patients with an acute onset of schizophrenia and their relatives were seen separately to establish the frequency of certain kinds of crisis and life change in the 13 weeks before onset. A general population group was seen for comparison. The two groups differed markedly in the proportion experiencing such changes in the 3-week period prior to onset (or to interview in the comparison group). Long-term tension in the home appeared to increase the chances of patients becoming disturbed after such changes."

So even though it is common knowledge that even the most serious of mental health diagnosis is connected to serious and ongoing life stressors in the home - its not the family system that gets help to learn how to become a healthy family - it's the one who is unfortunate enough to have been exposed to long term family "tension"...and just can't cope anymore.

I mean - everyone has their breaking point and when you beat a dog long enough, eventually it starts to act a little crazy, doesn't it? It cowers, it shakes, it whines. If you try to contain it it may snap or bite. It may even develop some compulsive behavior like running in circles or if it was human, maybe it would wash it's paws obsessively, or be afraid to leave the house. And since the owners are upstanding and productive citizens we call the dog crazy, put it on pills (seriously - this is done every day to animals not just humans - you figure it out...) so since the owner "appears" to be a kind upstanding citizen we label the dog and dismiss it's behavior as "crazy".

Think Michael Vick.

So go figure. Environmental life events set off and are the indicator for the onset "mental health issues"; yet the response to these life events is somehow intrinsic - a time bomb in our DNA waiting to go off - and the only solution is to hand over a stigmatizing label and a lifetime prescription and be written off as being somehow intrinsically "defective"

mmmm....

I'm no doctor - but this is the 21st century, not the dark ages or even the 1600's when these issues were viewed as "demons" or "witches", or the 1800’s where some snake-oil salesman was selling a magic elixir guaranteed to "fix and cure all things human".

Yet we still are labeling, stigmatizing, discriminating and dismissing the often times hidden life events that influence our ability to cope and rebound.

And instead of support and being given a safe place to fall, folks with the kind of life experiences that can cause one to feel "crazy" and inhibit that “resiliency” necessary to cope and come out on top are sentenced to a life that often mimics the hell they came from to begin with.

I'm just sayin'...

Back in the day...like the 1950’s and 60’s following the era of the invasive “lobotomy” and introduction of the “chemical lobotomy” where “meds” became the answer to all things “behavior” focused, parents united and revolted against the idea that environment was related to "mental health" issues and successfully advocated that somehow it was the children who were defective and it was the children bringing the disharmony to the home....”crazy”, “delinquent”, “damaged” but never “abused” were the terms used to describe those who didn’t fit within the “social norms” of easy compliance.

This subject is way beyond the scope of this post, but in conclusion - it just seems odd that while research proves that it is the "long term tension" in the home that is the trigger for even the most serious mental health issues, why is it that the victims of this in home "tension" are being given the various labels of "mental illness" and relegated to being re-victimized by a system that we turn to for help and who too often end up institutionalized in asylum or prison - or taking the extreme ticket to afterlife when they can no longer tolerate the hell they have been unfortunate to have been given as their life.

Thanks for listening.

If you'd like to read more about the idea that Schizophrenia and other "serious" mental health issues can be overcome, you can read Dr. Daniel Fishers story here - he is a psychiatrist who was once labeled "Schizophrenic".

The Wind Never Lies...by Steve Morgan ((rant))

An excerpt from "The Wind Never Lies" by Steve Morgan as published at Beyond Meds

"...As I learned and integrated this information into my worldview, the glue that stuck mental illness to me loosened. I started to wake up to a different reality, one in which I used terms like experiences instead of symptoms, trauma instead of disease, problems instead of illness, and neuroplasticity instead of chemical imbalance. I engaged in a process of re-authoring my life story once again, casting off the disease paradigm and shifting my self-conception from I have Bipolar to I am fully human..."

Please go here to read the entire article about this mans journey through that dark place where the light is at the end of the tunnel but we are promised by the magicians that we are special somehow, and because we are special - will never be allowed to touch that light ourselves...even though it is clearly there and within reach. And we believe with our whole heart that the magicians are for, not against us, that a whole country - no; the entire world - couldn't be lied to; could it?

Yet...remember that issue last century with what was it called? Yes; that's right. Big Tobacco; the ones that had doctors writing testimonials of how cigarettes were good for you....but - that couldn't happen again. Could it?

This man, Steve Morgan, broke the spell, reached the light and fights the magicians and the giant with his own magical power of "self".

****

My Note: "Meds" may have their place in this journey, so please understand I am not totally against them. When someone has become a danger to themselves or others meds are helpful to stabilize a crisis situation. My issue comes from the fact that these drugs are addictive and the withdrawals symptoms are used to justify more drugs instead of supporting people through the long, horrendous physical, psychological and emotional pain of these withdrawals. Drugs aka "meds" I believe were originally intended to be a tool - not the life sentence they have become.

A few resources to learn more about this issue:

www.power2you.org

www.bipolarblast.wordpress.com

Whitakre "Anatomy of An Epidemic"

Another rant..was it the chicken or the goose?

Over at one of my fav sites, Bipolar Blast aka Beyond Meds I ran across another good article that can really get one thinking. Journalist Robert Whitacre brings up the history of how depression has been treated and asks a very valid question; is the model we have followed for the last generation or two actually causing the issue of chronic mental illness?

Think about it and take a gander at some of my recent archives. I mean - how is it that we were ok one day and then suddenly we aren't and will need lifetime medication and therapy?

Granted - hearing someone that can definitively say "you have an illness that is causing your depression/mania/paranoia/psychosis etc...and here is a pill that will fix it" is a whole lot different than taking the time and effort to learn how to cope with life in a healthier way....and it IS a lot easier and profitable to prescribe costly medications with guaranteed refills for life than to teach me how to express my emotions and go through the emotional healing process...

Ok, ok. I'll get off my soapbox but having lived this it's a bit hard for me to not spout off once in awhile.

So take a gander over at Psychology today and see what Mr. Whitacre has to say.

Another source you might find helpful is an article titled A tale of two boys.

And decide for yourself - did the chicken ("biology" and "genetics") come first or did the goose lay a golden egg....

Now I'll get down from my soapbox :)

Thanks for listening :)