Sunday, June 24, 2012

We are alone

Alone. And loving it:) 

We are alone.

This...was one of those "awakenings" I'd experienced.

You see....coming from the background I did (NOT "Ozy and Harriet style) I had always felt alone.

I never felt as though I "belonged" anywhere.

Not in my family, my community...

"Friends" were few and far between, if at all.

I considered myself a "loner" - sort of.

At other times I thought of myself as a "people person"...which was usually when I was writing my resume (had to be that chameleon:)).

Then one day a very wise person who had traveled this path before me said the most astounding thing - a thing I had never considered...

That we are ALL "alone".

And what I realized is that I was still stuck in the childlike place where I just wanted to be...

loved.

So I was thinking that because I didn't "feel" loved that I didn't "belong" anywhere.

I had carried that overwhelming lonliness from my childhood where I sat alone on the long davenport (yeah..back then a long couch was a "davenport"...for whatever that has to do with anything:)).

And in that second...that "aha" where I realized that I had been trying to create the "love" that I had not experienced in all the things I did, trying to do them "right enough".

Trying to "be" "good enough"....

Wishing to be "smart enough"...

And I was never...

enough.

So since that day of my "aha" moment?

I began to see that I was "enough".

That my best was "good enough".

That I wasn't just "smart enough" but I began to see myself as fricking "brilliant"....

Because of course - I'd survived.

And I realized that while I had learned to adapt and cope in ways that supported "survival"...

That was no  longer enough.

And I realized that by knowing that I was "alone" - just like everyone else in this world...

I no longer had to seek my worth, value and "belonging" in others because I...

very simply

was enough.

I knew from deep within that no matter what I had or didn't have...

The family or friends?

They could never "make" me feel as though I was "enough" to be accepted

but that I had to accept myself

and then

I would belong

anywhere I went.

In the light and hope for your to find your own forever "you"....

Susan

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2 comments:

Dan and Elaina* ~ PTSD-is-Normal.com said...

I love this!

I relate to every word.

Well, except for the davenport, ours was called a divan.

;)

BIG HUGS
Elaina

Susan said...

Hi Elaina...isn't it something how the journey is so similar when our past pain and life experiences can be so different and varied?

Lots of love to you and yours:)