Monday, January 2, 2012

It only takes one....

An external focus often feels crazy, blurry and confusing

In traditional self help and therapy the focus was often on avoidance of the people, places and things that stirred negative emotions for me. I'm sure the intent comes from a desire to educate and inform but in the end - this approach left me still feeling terribly powerless and guarded. I was constantly wondering who I could trust and in the end what I learned is that what it came down to was learning to trust myself. 

I recall hearing about interpreting others thoughts, feelings and behaviors instead of understanding my own. 

I was taught and learned how to assume others intentions instead of questioning mine. 

I learned to identify and label others, making value judgements about an individual based on the label I attached to them. 

In the end I realized that this external focus was not so helpful and...

that this served only to keep me on guard and wary of others; constantly questioning others motives and intent. 

It was when I realized the power to live beyond the drama of dysfunction lay not in being able to "read" others intentions and label their behavior... 

but in learning to understand why I kept returning to it - so that I could learn to live beyond it.

Learning to look within with my questions empowered me to live beyond looking to others for my solutions. 

It only takes one to stop the dance.

Uh huh.

It really is that easy. :)

Always in hope and tickled pink to see you blooming the way you are!


Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!


Kate Storm said...

I recently made a similar discovery - I learned (the hard way) that I had to be the one in control of my recovery. It's made me feel so much more in control and not as powerless any more. I'm glad that you've found the same thing!

Susan said...

Good to hear that Kate!

Yes; this for me was the biggest hindrance to learning to live my "best life". Hearing the professionals and "helpers" focusing on teaching me how to recognize and avoid actually increased conflict and distress because I became more argumentative/defensive and externally focused. Many relationships were wounded and even lost because I didn't know how to take care of myself and focused instead on what others were doing or not doing.

I found my power when I found out that power comes from knowing how to engage safely from a place of mature wisdom - not avoidance of conflict or feelings.

Thanks much for your note - Its good to hear you are finding your way!

Wendy Love said...

What a delightfully different approach to a healing blog! I just found you today, I have subscribed and also put a link to you on my blog. I hope you will come and visit me too and if you like what you read, link to me.
I could really identify with what you said about obsessing over others instead of looking to yourself. My dad used to always discourage me from 'double guessing' as he called it, or trying to guess what other people think or what their motives were. Concentrating on such things really does prevent us from analyzing our own selves, the good and the bad, understanding and growing. Anyways, thanks for the neat ideas. I look forward to coming back again and again.

Myself said...

This was great- thank you!

Susan said...

Hi Wendy and thank you for your comment! An external focus is unfortunately one of the natural side effects of being raised in an environment that focus' on the child to be the caretaker or scapegoat. It takes time and awareness to learn to live beyond it and - I love what you said about what your Dad said....about trying to guess what others were thinking. It is always more helpful to learn to "see" the external dysfunction and then how to change it by changing ourselves instead of trying to change others. :)

Nice to meet you and thanks for introducing yourself!