Monday, November 19, 2012

The Beginning Of The End

That deep sense of sadness that won't go away? I learned to look inside for my answers by allowing the memories to come instead of staying busy or using things, money, shopping, internet, coffee, food, alcohol, depression and even extreme avoid them.

This was where the journey began; by being willing to go through the feelings I'd not felt for so long. By being willing to feel 
the anger and the grief for the life I lost to the trauma and abuse.

This was the beginning of the end of the living nightmare where the things that had happened to me haunted me for a lifetime. This was "going through" in order to "get out of" that dark place.

I thought it would last forever. But in allowing it is when it finally ended and the nightmares? Finally just became memories. Not pleasant memories but memories I could now deal with. I successfully reclaimed my today's from those who took my yesterdays.

I thought I would die when I first opened this pandoras box but instead...this was when I began to live.

This - is the "hard work".

Hang in there; I know it hurts and I'm so sorry you have suffered yet - I am so glad you are finding your way. 

In gratitude that we can share the journey.


You may also be interested in....

It's All About Avoidance on Blog Talk Radio

And here is a collection of posts from the archives on how I came to understand what it was to "do the hard work".

This post is about how I used creativity to "work through" those dark places. 

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!


sojourner said...

The feelings seem to be stuck right now. Not sure I feel "safe" enough since I am working and often when the feelings do come things at work go badly. stressful job, deal with the public. i need the job right now but i need to feel things too.

Susan said...

Hi Sojourner; what you describe is so difficult. To learn to do the "hard work" while still needing to work, engage with other people, do our job, pay the bills....I'm sorry you feel unsafe right now to do this kind of work.

Yet - the thing I did not understand for a long time was that I could choose to "schedule" (for lack of a better word) to do so.

There are some strategies we can use to allow ourselves the space to do this kind of work - it begins with learning to "compartmentalize" my life. Learning to calm the thoughts and feelings - which is different than "stuffing" them (stuffing always leads to the volcanic explosion, often at the worst time).

I learned that I could use various self management strategies like mindful awareness, meditation and body connecting types of exercises that combined my connecting to my body that enbabled me to see that I had the power to choose when and where to engage in this work.

Then I learned I could also choose to "do" this kind of work using journaling, writing letters that did not get mailed but perhaps saved or shredded etc as a way to give myself closure.

Some will choose to be sure to journal each day and engage in other gentle strategies and allow off work days as time to do this and let the chores go for a bit.....

Learning that I had the power to choose though....was huge. Knowing how to do this and that I could choose to "do" the work was also huge.

sojourner - this work can be exhausting; I hope you can find your way and in that allow yourself time to process through and rest before returning to real time life.

You did not specifically ask for suggestions so if this is not what you were looking for I apologize but I hope perhaps some of it might be helpful to you.

Diary Of A Broken Child said...

thanks for this post. It helps know its ok to feel. I am working desperately yo not hide from it anymore and face what happened. I wish you the best.

SynthGirl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Susan said...

Dear Diary of a broken child...

first I am so sorry you have suffered. And I"m glad you are finding your way. :)

I only just now found your comment as I was perusing the site so please forgive me for my delayed response:)

Be well:)