Monday, November 12, 2012

The Keepers Of The Secrets


The thing about abuse is that it shows up in our lives in many ways. From an overwhelming sense of powerlessness over our own lives to a need to know everything all the time about everything and everyone; the loss of control from early life trauma always shows up sooner or later in our health. 
From irritability and anger, being "mad at the world" where we are lashing out at others, engaging in self harming behaviors or just shutting down through depression or dissociation...it always shows up and manifests itself in our today in one way or another. 
Often triggered by current life events this sense of overwhelm can take its toll on us physically, emotionally and psychologically as we attempt to make sense of things that make no sense.
Today a share from someone who found their way to freedom from this pain of the past. 
“My mother had requested I never write about my past until she died. It’s the only thing she regrets: the abuse she bestowed on me. Yet in staying quiet to protect her, I was suppressing the healing that needed to happen. In not sharing her legacy, I was trapped, and unable to break free. I was still putting HER image of NICE before MY healing. Early last year I knew I had to find the courage to change this… It would mean cutting all ties with my family, as they all “supported” her… EVEN in her abusing me.
My family kept telling me I hadn’t been physically abused. Those that witnessed it said it was all my fault or there was nothing they did. I felt betrayed, and alone. None of my family wrote or called to ask how I was, or how they could support me. I was judged and given superficial suppression to avoid facing any of the truth. In exposing the abuse (that they were deny) I was left feeling I should be dirty, ashamed, and wrong. Like I was wrong for feeling angry and upset. Like I was the betrayor. They told me to have more grace, be more peaceful, be loving… They treated me like I was insane and didn’t know what I was talking about.
Something within kept me alight – this burning bright knowing that I wasn’t wrong, that this situation was horrendous, and the memories were valid. I knew that if I felt and faced all the memories I would come ALIVE! I would heal by embracing and integrating, that I would shine BRIGHT and beautiful if I honoured the pain… So I let go the fight to keep the peace, and let things unravel. I began to question what this smell of burning I had all the time, was it a ghost? I googled it. Signs that traumatic head injury was healing – normally happens 10-15 years AFTER injury. Physical validation. I knew I wasn’t mad.
To break through, I had to kill off the unhealthy, negating, repressing mother out of my life… no longer hide in shame… and begin taking actions that lead into goodness, love, and deliciousness. If ever I enjoyed those things my mother would scorn and say: “Do you have to?” She shared that my joy in love felt like rubbing salt into her wounds. I realised that to be truly happy the gift I had to give myself is to find a family whom I BELONG to. A family that see me, get me, love me, and relish in who I am and all I have to offer. And to become, for myself, the mother I never had.
It feels good to not be in secret or feel ashamed. It feels good to fully meet myself so that I can also fully meet YOU! It feels great to write and share… and rejoice in the agonising healing, and crushing arising… ♥ More to gift thee… ♥ As I free myself, I devote myself to Thee… ♥” Natalie Lamb
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Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

2 comments:

Diary Of A Broken Child said...

This was so powerful, thank you for sharing

Susan said...

You are very welcome :)