Owning it

Meet Zeus!

I'm always looking around inside and outside of myself to find ways to explain what it is that I've been able to do as I've created this new paradigm of wellness for myself...

It's one thing to know that I've been able to make that mind-shift for myself from "illness" to "wellness" it's another thing to be able to share with others just how I did that - how I found my way from "there" aka that very dark place to "here" where I live in the light and create the life of my choosing each day - minus the chronic "symptoms" of "mental illness" and the smorgasbord of "diagnosis" that I had accepted for many, many years. (More on my journey is here)

So today's metaphor comes from my dogs. Well - one of them lives with me (Brindle:)) the other visits when my son is out of town (Zeus:)).

And today I'd like to introduce you to Zeus - and tell you that when he and Brindle are playing, he OWNS his rawhide...

"Owns" as in he walks around with it in his mouth, he tosses it up in the air and pounces on it like a puppy, shakes it back and forth as though he was the magnificent hunter that brought home dinner....

He doesn't hesitate, doesn't seem doubtful of himself.

He is "dog".

He IS

and he doesn't doubt that.

He is Master of the Rawhide.

Confident....sure of his place in the world of rawhides:)

And this is what I've found to be so vital to my own healing, making that mind shift from the dark tormenting thoughts that could drag me down and cause me such misery and recognizing the source of that doubt as from the lies of the past where I was taught that I was "less than"

not "good enough"

couldn't do things "right enough"

that whatever was wrong in the world it was

"my fault".

I learned that I had to OWN my existence - my "I am-ness" and become master of my own journey and my healing, not question it or doubt it but to embrace it, play with it, experiment in my days, find the internal confidence that cancels the doubt that could keep me frozen and inert.

I used the negative thoughts to guide my changes and learn to "over-ride" the negative messages that ran constantly in what I call the "subtitles" in the back of my mind that fueled that feeling of "less than" and caused me to instinctively want to isolate from the world and hide in my shame that something was "wrong" with me.

Is this kind of internal change "easy" to come by?

No.

But it is so well worth it.

See "Was it Worth It?" here.

Q: How have you learned to OWN your own wellness and create that mind-shift from "illness" to one of living in "wellness"?

Learning to Live Beyond the Pain of the Past

Photo Credit

For the longest time I struggled with doing whatever I had to do to avoid facing the pain of the past. I had learned to "don't think, don't talk, don't feel"...to avoid anything that had anything to do with being "me" or expressing any of my own thoughts, feelings or even making my own choices.

From the recent archives, here is a post about making that mind shift from living in avoidance of the past to learning to embrace it - and finding freedom from it...

And this is the conundrum we seem to face in this discussion. (((Conundrum: a difficult question, a riddle)))

Each of us who is on this journey of healing has their own story, their own pain, their own suffering.

Each of us has found in our journey different ways of coping, surviving, healing.

The one commonality seems to be that most of us agree on what Ellen so eloquently yet simply stated: The first part of healing it - is feeling it.

You can read the entire post here.

And here is a post from the archives about making that mind-shift from coping, managing and surviving to living in freedom from the pain of the past...making that mind-shift from being a victim or surviving day to day by "managing" symptoms to learning to live in freedom....and creating my best life each day...finding my way "though" the pain of the past in order to find my way "out of" the pain of the past...

This is where the knowledge of the emotional healing process came into play. As I gradually moved from talking "story" and on to "processing" emotion - the darkness began to lift. The pain began to subside inside me.

Things that had been horrible triggers for me began to be things I could experience with intention. I began to see how events and situations that in the past would send me off the deep end were identifying opportunities for healing, grieving - that here I could go through to get out of the connected avoidance and pain.

I no longer had to hide from the world because I could now become a part of the world.

You can read the entire article here "I DON'T want to talk about it".

Q: How has avoidance affected your ability to move beyond the past? How have you overcome this to find your way through the pain to get beyond it?

Looking Up

"Looking up"

Photo by Susan

2010 July 15

Besides being inquisitive, curious and not easily satisfied by "pat answers" that are meant to pacify, I also enjoy taking photos and sometimes as I load them into my computer to put them away I "see" something....

And this photo that I snapped yesterday was one of those times.

It was a moment in time - a moment that I have come to know as my "now" or my "life"...the life I had been searching for for years; griping that I wanted (I need to "get a life") and jealous that others had what I didn't (yea, well, easy for her/him...) and bitter over what I did have (which was never "good enough" or "right enough") and resentful over what I had had (if only...then...)

And in this moment of time that was my entire life (because that moment was all I "had" at that time - nothing else existed outside of it...) I sat in the yard, watching the dogs romp (did I really just use the word "romp"?!)...ok, well they were playing - in the moment:)...neither the past nor the future affecting this "moment" of joy they had created.

And as I leaned back in the adirondack chair that had been so welcoming to me and looked up...I snapped this photo and realized as I titled it in my photo album

"Looking up"

just how metaphorical this snapshot in time was.

It was a "moment" in time that "stood still".

It was also a really good portrayal of the "light" that is sometimes slightly hidden by the dense jungle we must forge through to get to the light.

At first look when I imported this "snapshot of time"...I saw the thick leaves and branches of the tree.

And as I continued to look - I began to notice the light that shined through the dense foliage.

And how in this journey there is plenty of "dense foliage", underbrush, tangled weeds and unchartered territory that we forge through to reach the light...

And I realized that in my own journey I finally was able to focus on the light instead of the jungle and it was the light that guided me to freedom.

**

Q: Is there a "light" that keeps you motivated to continue to put one foot in front of the other when life "sucks"?

Claire Did A Doodle!

Doodle credit here:)

Thank you Claire!

Recently I finished a little series that I did on the idea that it was possible to make that mind-shift from "illness" to one of "wellness". You can check out part 1 here...and part 2 here and the conclusion to the series here.

And if I've missed anything you can jump up to the top left corner of your page and search the entire blog for "paradigm":)

So anyway - this series got my friend, Claire, wondering about that word..."paradigm". And she went off on a bit of an adventure to see what all the hoopla was about...

As things happen - Claire is an artist; a doodler and a bit of a comic on top of being a student in search of her degree in counseling somewhere in England just north of Liverpool (so she says in her "About me" page :-)

The picture at the top of the page is the "doodle" that Claire came up with after reading the series here that got her thinking of that dastardly word "paradigm" that started this quest of Claires...and I'd like to invite you to drop by her blog to read the very interesting article she wrote about this facinating word...

Paradigm.

You can visit this page at Claire's blog by clicking....here.

Enjoy your visit to Claire's House...and please remember to leave a message telling her that you dropped by via that blog that has the really cool Zebra photo!

Q: What do you think of when you hear that word - "Paradigm"?

I wanted to understand this "Paradigm" of "Mental Illness"

Map of Science

(def) paradigm |ˈparəˌdīm|

noun1 technical a typical example or pattern of something; a model : there is a new paradigm for public art in this country. See note at model .• a worldview underlying the theories and methodology of aparticular scientific subject : the discovery of universal gravitation became the paradigm of successful science.

Throughout my journey I have learned to rely more on my own ability to gain an understanding of and make decisions relating to the direction I have chosen to take (learning to fish for a lifetime) vs depending on others to provide me my answers or offer me my solutions (being "fed" for a day).

Today I wanted to introduce just a few of the ideas that I've taken into consideration that has empowered me to take charge of my healing journey and make that shift from dependence on people, places and things to define, label or "fix" me and begin to see myself as my own best resource...and advocate...as I made that shift from viewing myself through the paradigm of "illness" and created my own paradigm of "wellness".

You can read Creating A New Paradigm...For Myself Part 1 here.

At the online Encyclopedia, Wikepedia, Kuhn defines a scientific paradigm as:.

• what is to be observed and scrutinized
• the kind of questions that are supposed to be asked and probed for answers in relation to this subject
• how these questions are to be structured
• how the results of scientific investigations should be interpreted

Below are a few links on the research behind the field of Psychiatry, as we know it...

i.e. the industry and persons charged with constructing, asking and answering those questions that have created the currently accepted paradigm of the last 50 or 60 years about "mental illness", how it is defined, communicated, viewed and ultimately....how it and those given these diagnosis are treated and the therapies used to do so:

• "An SSRI maker flew my entire group to a Caribbean island," remembered a doctor from the East coast who did not want to be identified. Anymore. Source: No free pens....but big pharma influence still felt at Psychiatric meeting

• "After reports that most donations made to the big advocacy group came from drug makers in recent years, NAMI agreed to disclose its funding sources". Source: Read about Senetor Charles Grassley's investigation into the major source of NAMI's funding here.

• Read the article from the New York Times reporting that NAMI is funded largely by "Big Pharma" as exposed by Senator Grassley in 2009

• A video by Robert Whitaker on "Rethinking Psychiatric Care"

• Visit the National Empowerment Center and read about Daniel Fisher who became a psychiatrist after recovering from "Schizophrenia"

• At Amazon you can find the work of Dr. Colin Ross who as a psychiatrist is able to tell us the good, the bad and the truly ugly secrets behind psychiatry as it has become known. "Trauma Model: A solution to the problem of Co Morbidity in psychiatry" and his personal story and frustrations with the industry of psychiatry in "The Great Psychiatry Scam"

• Read recovery stories from those who've found their way out of the cycle of dependence on drugs to manage their mental wellness at the Blog rated #3 as "Top Health Blog" among numerous other awards as related to health and mental health issues. Source: Beyond Meds by Gianna Kali

• Read the post "A Tale Of Two Boys" that causes me to consider not only what we do to ourselves as adults, but the plight of the children who suffer and struggle.

• Read my personal story of how I was "groomed" to enter and participate in the "mental health system" here. "A bit of a rant, part of my story...how I became "suicidal".
• 
  
• And again...take a look at Robert Whitakers book that methodically and systematically reveals the Psychiatric industry as a huge marketing machine....

• And the DSM V; the "Bible" of psychiatric diagnosis - 68% of those charged with this newest version - the "DSM V" - reveal that they have ties to the Pharmaceutical Industry.

So here I've laid out for you some of the information that has influenced how I view the paradigm of "mental illness" and how I began to make that mind-shift to claiming this new paradigm of "wellness" for myself...

And hopefully I have reassured you that I didn't go off the "deep end" or a "witch hunt" against the millions of Doctors, Therapists and other helpers who have oftentimes affected and changed our lives for the better...and sometimes saved them.

In fact, this understanding has empowered me to understand these relationships better and made me a better advocate for myself and freeing me from that dependence to be "fed for a day".

I hope you'll join me here again as I continue to unravel this idea of "paradigm" and making that mind-shift from dependence on others for my answers to finding and creating my own paradigm of "wellness" based on my personal belief that with new information I could make the choice to find "wellness".

I hope you'll check the June 2010 archives and read more in the series "Claiming A New Paradigm For Myself".

The Conundrum in this healing journey

This is a follow up to my post on the Emperor Moth story it's a good one. You should check it out.

Yesterday over at Michele Rosenthals blog Heal my PTSD we had an active discussion on the"Why"behind the issues of some folks perhaps resisting the idea that they can heal v. ruminating on their "issues".

Personally, I truly believe that whatever circumstances that life gives us, we each have all that we need within ourselves to become the majestic beings we were meant to be, however we choose to define ourselves.

When I was walking this part of my path, searching for my answers, trying to find my way I came to a realization similar to what Ellen had to say in yesterdays comments: The first part of healing it is feeling it...

And this is the conundrum we seem to face in this discussion. (((Conundrum: a difficult question, a riddle)))

Each of us who is on this journey of healing has their own story, their own pain, their own suffering.

Each of us has found in our journey different ways of coping, surviving, healing.

The one commonality seems to be that most of us agree on what Ellen so eloquently yet simply stated: The first part of healing it is feeling it.

This brings me back to the story of the Emperor Moth.

This is very similar to what it felt like to me as I was facing my own past experiences of trauma.

For years, I avoided it. I numbed it.

But then I got tired of it. Another great statement from Mike on yesterdays discussion: "I'm sick of this shit and I'm not going to take it anymore".

I had come to that place where I knew it was going to be difficult. In fact "weeping and knashing of teeth" doesnt start to describe the pain I went through in order to get out. Check out my post Was it worth it? HELL yes to see how I felt about this part of my journey.

This is the "hard work" that I have found to be the key to breaking free of the past. To face the pain was to finally let it go.

I also believe that each of us has our own path to follow and that in our own time we will find the way that works for us; we each walk our own journey.

Regardless of the "how" or "when" you choose your healing path doesnt matter. The point is - we don't have to walk this path alone anymore. Here is a varition on a "cadence" that I wrote for a local survivors group:

There is no difference, no good or bad

only experiences that we have had.

Walk by me, we'll take a stand

get out of that ole quicksand

Take a breath

and soon you'll see

life was meant for you to be

all you are and something more

We each

can walk right through that door

We are not alone

anymore.