Monday, January 11, 2010

Well poo then

Well I've been doing pretty good with being aware of and overcoming my self sabotaging behaviors as of late. Until I started to face the insomnia that seems to be triggered by the anxiety surrounding this latest part of my journey that is bringing me a tad bit of success.

So this is the second night of not sleeping. My body and mind say "sleep" but I am unable to rest or fall asleep. I'm worried as this battle with the procrastination issues that I have been battling has taken me right to the wire with this job that starts this week. This I'm sure has helped to create the stress causing the insomnia.

So my mind is not as sharp as I would like it to be but instead of worrying even more I will trust that all will be ok in spite of this situation with not sleeping.

I feel exhausted and this feels familiar like in the past being overcome with exhaustion that would feed hopelessness and depression. But today I can choose differently and drop my expectations for myself a notch or two.

My Brindle girl is sleeping soundly beside me, I can hear the snow plows outside my window and it is now 3:25am and I have a tad more than 24 hours to countdown to the start of this newest job that just fell in my lap.

Geez. Moving from perpetual failure to experiencing these new opportunities without dropping ghe ball is tricky but even moreso it seems when the body and mind take off on autopilot. I just keep telling myself those old messages from my past are not true - so in your face dad; I DO deserve good things.


Ellen said...

Hello fellow insomnia sufferer! I hope you got some sleep after writing this Susan. Those thoughts are similar to what goes through my mind when I can't sleep yet again - how will I ever hold down a job if I can't even sleep?

You have a good attitude - you know you can do it! Congrats on the new gig. I bet things will settle down once you start it and you will once again be blissfully snoozing at night.

Susan said...

Hello, Ellen! I did finally get a couple of hours of sleep; enough I suppose to get me through that day without falling down completely!

It is now the morning of - my bags are packed and I'm ready to start my day.

Thank you so much for your encouragement! Time to go to work (I GET to go to work! - How great is that!)