Well, I survived!
Yesterday was my first day of this new job/contract. And it went fine. A few butterflies when I rehearsed my presentation and doubled checked my tools and supplies. I arrived right on time to enter the building and we started at 11:35 and finished at 12:55 - 5 minutes early. The group is of course a bit on the shy side but I'm reading up on some tactics to stimulate some group interaction in this type of setting....
I felt a bit silly - I had sent an email to the HR department that booked me for them to forward to all the group participants -- and it went fine - except that I missed a setting in gmail that made their reply message go to my personal email account. But - if that's all I have to worry about then I suppose I"m doing fine.
I still feel nervous. I feel such a huge responsibility yet recognize these emotions and thoughts as "old stuff" that shakes my confidence to the bone. I keep telling myself that I am good at what I do and it is not up to me if the participants succeed or not. I can only put the information out there and do my best to teach them the skills they need to accomplish their goals. The rest is up to each of them.
This is a 7 week program that I am teaching. Smoking Cessation of all things. How I wound up in this position is a story in itself but suffice it to say - I am blessed to be in this position and to have the opportunities that I have.
So today I rest. The stress I had put myself under for the past few weeks as I prepared for this project has taken its toll. My body is saying "enough". I have learned over the past years (and years and years....) of this journey that there is a price to be paid for living in this state of constant stress having experienced PTSD and not being treated adequately for it. Physically my body is screaming "enough" of this. So today I rest.