Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I realized that I was not the cause of all things "bad"

In making that mind-shift from living in and managing "illness" to learning to live in today and live a life of "wellness" I did a couple of things; I learned to listen to and connect to my thoughts, my emotions and how these fueled the choices I made...and I learned to trust myself.

Unrest. That feeling of "something's not right" was not something I was familiar with "listening to". In fact - if things were not "A-OK" then I knew....I just knew - that I had done something wrong and I would work myself into a frenzy to try to "figure out" what I had to do to "fix it".

That came from part of that belief system where I had been programmed from the beginning to believe that I had little or no value outside of that which my family (the term "family" used very loosely here) said that I had.

It also stemmed from the need for safety and security that was lacking having grown up in a less than (huuurrrmmph) stable environment.

So I would frantically try to understand what it was that I had done to "cause" the unrest in my world and when I viewed myself as the source of world domination (ie all bad things were somehow my fault)

I carried a tremendous, unbearable heavy load that over a lifetime became overwhelmingly more and more difficult to bear.

And in time, when I could no longer carry this burdeon that I was somehow defective, bad and the cause of not only my own discomfort and pain

but that of eveyone around me

I shut down.

I got very reactive


and unable to, even in my own mind, make much sense of things.

And it took time some time and practice but I learned to use those "reactions" - that sense of "somethings not right"

the negative thoughts about myself that I am the sole cause of others pain and anguish

and thus their happiness

the fear of what someone else might do or say if I make a choice different than what they might "approve" of

to guide me from "there" in that "dark place" where I am both the villain and the victim searching for someone to tell me what to do, how to make the "right" choice, how to "fix" whatever it is that is causing the unrest within my own being

to that place of peace and acceptance where I am in control and the Maestro, orchestrating not the world that belongs to others

but that of my own.



Alarryyk said...

I love this post. I know from experience getting out of the negative mindset can be very tough. And the analogy of the Maestro is very powerful. Thanks for this :D

Susan said...

Your welcome:) I appreciate your comment - and yes; it can seem near impossible to overcome the negative mindset but once this place is found I think it becomes easier as we practice this skill...

Thanks for dropping by!

Michelle said...

Susan it all seems an unreachable journey when one is only starting to map out there pathways to there are an inspiration to share your experience's, which for me has given me something to grab hold of that HOPE and a LIFE is out there for me to find and that a time will come when I will be my own MAESTRO!!!! and allow the positive mindset to play its tunes.....

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