Monday, March 12, 2012

Your assignment if you choose to accept it...



What I think of you is not as important as what you think of you.

Get it?

As SRBT's* many of us learned early on that in and of ourselves we held no value. 

That we were unworthy of being loved simply because we existed.

That we had to earn the love of others but there was a secret about that rule that we weren't told..

That no matter what we did...

It was never

ever

ever

going to be enough.

We learned from a very early age that in and of ourselves we held no value and...

that our value came from others

and

that we had to learn to "read" others

looks

mood

physical appearance

(do they look mad, happy, like they are pleased with what I did or said?))

How are they holding their head....

uh oh

shit

the hand on the hip

the furrowed brow...

better watch out....

to determine what our next word or action might be.

We didn't learn to read others expressions and behaviors to validate their feelings, wants and needs as theirs but

to learn to read others expressions and behavior to validate our feelings, wants and needs as being the right ones for us....

based on what others decided

wasn't going to

piss them off

or

make them happy.

Learning to see myself as separate from others and 

that what others said and did is about them

not me

was

hard. as. hell.

Yet...

this was also the beginning of learning to see myself through the eyes of

enough

valid

worthy

and....

:)

just downright

fricking

brilliant! 

in my own right.

Granted....I should have learned that lesson as a child.

I should have been told I was magnificent..

that I was going to make an amazing doctor one day

That I could be a ballerina

an architect

or any damned thing I dreamed of.

That I could find my light and follow it...

I should have learned to value myself for who I was

not what I could give, sacrifice or do.

But I didn't.

So now ----

the decision is up to me to learn to see myself as who I am and want to be

vs who others told me I was.

So what I think of you - or anyone else - is not as important...

as what you think of you. 

The trick was learning to recognize that those silent subtitles that ran in the back of my mind...

stupid

bitch

wh*** (thanks dad for that one)

idiot

wrong

bad

stupid...

Those are the lies as I see myself through the eyes of those who thought so little of themselves that they had to make me less....

so they could be more.

We can rewrite the program by learning how to be aware of whose voice we are listening to....

And choosing to write our own program.

What do you see when you see "me"?

Learning to let go of the hope the wish and the dream for something more than what I had is how I was able to determine what I would get.

True story:)

Now...your assignment if you choose to accept it:)

Go forth and rock this thing...

multiply them there good thoughts and do your own hostile take over....

Claim your tomorrow by refusing to let your yesterday take over your today:)

Uh huh.

It really is that simple.

Its not easy...

But it definitely is not rocket science:)

Does it take one time to do this?

No.

Two times?

No.

Then how many times did I have to catch those wicked ways of the past that were torturing me today?

As many times as it took.

Does it ever stop?

I don't know

Because I'm still doing it and I'm not always doing it perfectly but...

the point is to do it...

and not give up.

Baby steps is where we start...

And we keep taking those steps and trust they will take us to the next steps.

Change is hard but it doesn't stay hard because one day its no longer change because its the new normal.

The secret was not to have done it once

but to keep doing it.

True story:)

Susan

*SRBT's = Survivors of Really Bad Things = the most amazing beings that walk the face of this earth:)


Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!



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2 comments:

Project Tara said...

Simple... but not easy.

Yes!

Susan said...

Hi Tara! Yes....the learning the "how to do this" was the hardest part:) Good to see you!