When I didn't know where my solution was
or even where to look
I hung onto this
As long as I don't give up...
I. WILL. WIN.
If you'll read in my "About Susan" and other pages, you'll notice that I don't adhere much to the traditional model of psychiatry, therapy or "illness" - anymore.
But I used to.
Faithfully.
And in that commitment what I realized is that every time the "diagnosis" changed over those nearly 2 decades - I "became" whatever it was that they - the doctors, therapists...the "providers" and "professionals" told me I was.
And in hindsight - each time the doctor would change the diagnosis, she would (faithfully) ask me if I agreed with it. And faithfully I would nod my head and say "yes".
With the hope that perhaps...just maybe....this time she would find that "magic pill" - or rather combination of the many pills I took - that would make me happy, confident...courageous enough to somehow just "get over" the demons that rumbled through my brain and taunted me in my thoughts 24/7.
And while she never did find that "right combination" for me - no magic pill to take away the depression that immobilized me or the sadness that seemed to envelop me and follow me like a faithful puppy or end the anxiety that had earned me the label "agoraphobic"...or the "personality disorders" that said I was defective from the "core" of my being...
I found my way - in spite of it all.
And it began with a knowing, a trusting, a belief that if I kept putting one foot in front of the other, seeking my own answers instead of waiting to be "fixed" or "taken care of"...
That I would win.
And while that sounds "easy" enough....at the same time I had to figure out how to use the resources - the same doctors and therapists - who continued to try to fit me into their box of "ill".
And I kept going, in spite of theirs and others repeated efforts to get me to continue to try to find that "magic pill". As they and others kept telling me that I needed "meds" and therapy for the rest of my life...that my emotions were broken, my thoughts were muddled and "wrong" somehow...
And I realized through it all that while the intentions were good...the advice they were giving me kept me dependent on them and the "meds" to cope and manage my thoughts and emotions and ultimately my behavior as the "meds" kept my mind dull and my emotions flat.
And today - I have become my own best resource and advocate. Today I live free of dependence on others to direct, orchestrate or coordinate or medicate my life to the standards that others have set for me.
Today I run my own race and today I can honestly say that I have won - not because I found that "magic pill"...
But because I realized that I could learn to recognize the deeply ingrained and silent beliefs that fueled the tormenting thoughts that fed the roller coaster ride of emotions that in turn motivated the behaviors of "acting out" and "acting in" that can result in the label "mentally ill".
And I learned how to grieve the past that tormented me and found freedom...
And peace.
**
I hope you'll join me here each week as I blog about and share my journey from "illness" to "wellness"...and on Blog Talk Radio the first Thursday of each month as I do my best to share the information that offered me the awareness that empowered me to travel this journey of self discovery, hope and healing.
Namaste.
My version of the Patrick Overton poem...
