Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Less than perfect


What a concept. To be less than perfect and be ok.

Today was a not so great day at work. I fumbled and bumbled through my presentation to a group that really doesnt want to be there. Today there was snickering, doodling and sleeping going on all the while I am being paid big bucks to come into this company and facilitate a group that does not appear to want to be facilitated.

So I left today feeling less than accomplished. Much less.

I wanted to cry. I started to focus on and point the finger at those who could be identified as "troublemakers" if we were in 3rd grade. Then I started to beat myself up - "idiot" and "stupid" are old aquaintences whom I have not seen for some time but today were asking to come in - very loudly they were asking to come in.

So I stopped. And looked around me. And realized that today was one of those days that I didn't get that external validation of a job well done by the way of a smile, a nod or a "that's so great" type pat on the back. Today I didnt get any of that.

What I did get was awareness and a lesson.

I became aware of those voices from the past that bubble up when I am less than "perfect".

I became more aware of the shame that follows those types of thoughts and the isolation and desire to hide from the world when I am less than "perfect".

And I became aware that I could choose to follow those mean voices of the past, those thoughts that take me back down that old, beaten path of self hatred, the loneliness and isolation that surely follows.

And I became aware that today - I won.

7 comments:

K :) said...

enjoying your blog. thanks so much for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. have a great day.

Mike Hinsley said...

:)

Susan said...

K:) thank you for stopping by! I am so enjoying your blog. I think I came by it via Christine at BlissChick today. I'll be looking forward to reading more from your home here in the clouds!

Susan said...

@Mike - thank you for dropping by - I always appreciate knowing you have been here!

Ellen said...

Hearing those old tapes and the feelings that go with them is great awareness. Sorry you had the bad day, but you're right, it's what you make of it. Not that that always helps :-)

Susan said...

Ellen; Becoming aware of those old tapes was a huge step forward for me as it gave me the ability to choose how my day would play out.

In the past lacking that awareness left me feeling hopeless for anything better and helplessly dependent on a days circumstances to determine if I woould live in a state of joy or the frustration that came when my expectations weren't met and I didn't recieve validation from others.

I am grateful each time I can make this choice and realize that I don't have to depend on others actions to be "ok".

Susan said...

@Ellen thank you for stopping by and for your encuragement! It means so much that you take the time to comment here on my posts. :)