Recently I posted here about how I began to live in a state of awareness and how this was a new path in my journey out of the "dark ages" where I lived in that chronic state of emotional and cognitive distress where my mind raced uncontrollably and my thoughts kept me in a twisted and tense state of being.
Well...I wanted to "be" better.
I wanted to not be afraid of my own shadow and "get a life". I wanted to not have nightmares and flashbacks. I wanted to know how to be in relationships and be ok, to speak up for myself without panicking that I would be hurt, ignored or abandoned. I wanted to learn how to live without addiction and avoidance running my life and stealing my days.
I was exhausted. The energy that it took to live in that constant and chronic state of anxiety and fear left me drained as I struggled to make it - to survive - another day.
I was tired of simply surviving; I wanted to live.
And it started with being aware and aware that I had a choice.
And it continued by being willing and open to hearing how I had the power within myself to create my best life today. That it was never too late.
And it began with one step; simply putting one foot in front of the other.
And in that awareness I had to let go of the idea that anyone else could give me the answers or fix me.
It came down to the fact that I was responsible for finding my way out of the darkness of what has come to be known as "mental illness" and all that goes with it; the panic attacks, the nightmares, the breakdown of my physical body and the constant chronic and disabling pain that I lived in.
I had to make a decision that I was willing to do the hard work of owning the state of my life and to stop playing the perpetual "victim" card where my focus was on anything and everything and everyone who had ever touched my life and how I was in such a bad place, I had no choice, no control...
That I could get better if......something would happen, someone would listen or help me, if I got a "break" like so and so did...
I had to choose to stop focussing on others and things outside myself and begin to be aware of what I was feeling behind that huge smokescreen of blame and anger at things outside of myself.
I learned to accept that my life just is and if I don't like the way my life is going...that I can change it by simply
changing
my
mind.
