Friday, July 3, 2009

I'm coming out...

For some reason (could it be fear?) I am having a difficult time here on blogger letting my true self shine through the facade of intellectualization. In the back of my mind the thoughts run through my mind that I'm a "fake". In reality, could it just be that "coming out" would be making myself vulnerable again?

For such a long time I have lived in this world that I have created that has kept me alive and even somewhat sane. It's a place where no one can touch me, criticize me, judge me or yes...hurt me. To become vulnerable again is, I am finding, extrememly difficult. It opens up feelings and emotions that I have long avoided and shunned.

But - to be vulnerable is to heal.

So today I make an attempt to set aside the thinking part of me, the me that has to have all the answers to be ok and I give myself permission to slowly, gently let down the guard that has protected me and be vulnerable.

The truth is...I don't have all the answers. I have my experience, my intellegence, determiniation to "fight the good fight" and not give up. But I am today going to try on a new set of clothes, so to speak and allow myself to be vulnerable to the world. To say "I'm scared" and "it hurts" and "I don't like this feeling" and trust that no matter what the world might have to give back to me - I'll still be ok.

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