Monday, November 28, 2011

Stop Whining...


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As a survivor of long term family dysfunction and abuse I learned to live in chronic negativity.

Complaining became the normal mode of communication of my feelings because - to state my own feelings, thoughts, dreams, desires....out loud was not allowed and often resulted in more blaming, shaming and abuse.

Instead of learning to seeing myself as the creator of my life I fell into a an apathetic place of passivity where life happened around me and to me .

It took time and effort to basically "re-program" this negative mindset but it began with learning to recognize this is where I was at and...

that this behavior was normal considering my life experiences. 

Acknowledging that this was a normal response to being victimized over and over allowed me to see this as something I could change instead of something that was "wrong" with me. 


This in turn allowed me to begin to recognize that I was often feeling powerless, desiring someone to fix whatever I was complaining about yet - feeling ambivelant about others "helping" me...when I'd not directly asked for help.

Yet - when others attempt to offer solutions....

I would often passively make excuses about why I couldn't take their advice or engage in some other avoidance behavior that would get me off the hook and distract the conversation but - helpers don't often "get the message" because I wan't providing a clear and direct statement that might have said "thank you but no thank you"...

and they would instead engage in offering a solution to whatever excuse or reason I'd presented.

Which often felt very

awkward

to say the least.

This was not only confusing to me - but to those around me who were subjected to my chronic complaining and whining about...

this

that

him

her

and whatever else was going on in my life at any given moment.

As I traveled this path, being mindfully aware of my thoughts and feelings I came to understand that I was trying to communicate how I was feeling in the only way I knew how but others would interpret that as "whining" - which it was. 

It was my childlike way of trying to get my needs met and...

it was a normal response for me considering my life experiences but...

it was not serving me well at all


and was often the source of much conflict and drama in my relationships and life in general.

I began to empower myself to live beyond this place of passivity and perpetual victimhood when I began to recognize this behavior in myself and in those around me. 

Then I was able to also begin to find my voice and my personal power to shape and create my better life.

With knowing how to recognize the behaviors in myself that were not so helpful and acknowledge that they were not "character defects" or some mysterious "disease" or "disorder"...

I finally began to see myself as...


complete 


whole...


and capable 


to create my 


best life


instead of being a perpetual victim 


of life. 

Here's to you and your own inner wisdom.

You (definitely!)

are more than

enough:)

In chronic, obsessive and completely irritating...

hope. :)

Love,

Susan:)

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4 comments:

Project Tara said...

Such wisdom. Thank you... and I love the sign off! :-)

Susan said...

And thank you for sharing your note Tara:)

I kind of liked it too!

~L said...

you described me, my childhood, my behavioral origins, what I am trying to accomplish, who I am growing to become, how I gradually accept behavior and thinking that does not suit me well...anymore. You validate me. Peace be with you ~L

Susan said...

Hi L:) Its good to hear that you are on your own path and finding your way...I'm really glad you found this post to be validating of your experiences. It really was a lightbulb for me when I realized I wasn't "the only one"...I'm glad we can share the journey:)

Susan