Seeing My Failure in the Success of Others

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I learned from a very young age that I had no control over my life. That what happened to me and around me did not come from within me but was the result of what other's did or didn't do.

I spent a lifetime looking at the world around me from this perspective.

I did not see the world as my "oyster"

I saw the world as everything that I never had and never would have.

Anything that I did have was a fluke because I had worked "hard enough" or done something "right enough" but I did not believe that it was long lasting or something that I could repeat.

I could not take credit for any success and constantly demeaned myself and any good thing that was in my life. I expected good things to be temporary, fleeting and as though the good feeling of accomplishment was a bad thing because that was my life experience...

...that good things may come my way but don't get too excited because it will not last.

Someone or something will take it away from me.

I saw all "good things" in my life as having come from someone or something outside of myself and often this included being able to manipulate someone else into providing me with my solutions by living in that state of perpetual victimhood.

And there was always someone ready and willing to rescue me from myself and "fix" me or my life and reenforce that I was incapable of learning how to take care of myself and be my own best resource.

I saw myself as "powerless" and I felt hopeless to create conscious change in my own world, my own life. I saw the world outside of myself as both my problem and my solution.

I felt helpless to be the "captain of my own ship" or the creator of my own universe.

Because I'd been taught that I was not "good enough" could not do things "right enough" and somehow was just not "enough"; that my world, my dreams, my hopes, my "being" was defective, corrupt; that my life was not in my hands.

I developed a dependence on people, places and things outside of myself to shape my life and tell me what to do. I often struggled with making even the simplest of decisions - so I often did made no decision, took no action - while my life passed me by.

Consequently, when I saw others in this healing journey making progress and moving forward in their own lives finding peace, joy and happiness - I couldn't celebrate with them because in their success I saw my failure.

Instead of seeing hope for something that I could accomplish for myself I saw all that I did not - and believed that I could not - have.

Today then....

When I see another's success...I intentionally catch the negative thoughts of jealousy and resentment about what I never had, don't have and never will have and the rumination about my own history and pain where I live in that chronic state of hopelessness....and choose to look through a different lens; a lens of hope.

And suddenly I began to see what I could have.

If you are looking for resources to support you in your own journey to wellness please check the resource page here.

Anger and Empowerment - revised

Anger and Empowerment

Anger and irritability used to run my life.

What I discovered though is that if I am approaching "tilt" or "overload" where I have an instinct to either pick a "fight" or take "flight"....I very well may be expecting to find my solutions in things outside of my control.

If I'm viewing people places and things outside of myself as my problem....then I am also very likely looking to those same or similar external sources as my solution.

This position of dependence on things outside of myself for my solutions was fuel for that feeling of hopelessness because I saw my well being at the mercy of things that I had no control over....those people places and things that I could not influence or change.

This also fueled that feeling of helplessness and anger when people and circumstances did not meet my needs or my expectations that they would, or "should" meet my needs.

It was when I learned to recognize this dependence on things outside of myself and shift my focus to being self empowered to find and access my solutions that the issue of chronic anger and irritability was no longer an issue for me.

We can use our anger to identify where we are expecting others to do for us those things that we can truly do for ourselves.

This in turn frees us up to search for other resources and solutions instead of being dependent to stick with a resource that is not meeting our needs.

We can use our anger to fuel our quest for solutions through seeking the knowledge that will open the doors for us to live that self empowered life and escape the pain of living in chronic anger and dependence on others to meet our needs.

You can read the comments at the original post here on Facebook or leave your own comments below...

Q: How could you use your anger to find and fuel your own power?

She Didn't Call it Depression: Pema Chodron - The Doorway to Freedom

Pema Chodron didn't know what she was experiencing what we have been taught to call "depression", she didn't know she was "supposed" to take "anti depressant" pills, or that this was "supposed" to be a lifelong, bio-genetic "illness" that was "incurable".

You can view this video at Beyond Meds where I found it.

Here is a link to another post at Beyond Meds that highlights some of Pema's life wisdom.

I'm just sayin'.....somethin' to think about maybe.

Rock on.

:)

Once Broken Does Not Mean Forever Broken

An interesting discussion on beliefs has been ramping up recently. Mike has posted some really interesting ideas at his blog Mikes Musings and Carla at Emerging from Broken has brought up the fact that she recognized that she was not born with depression but born into it.

Beliefs.

Subtle. Hidden from our conscious mind; Freud drew a picture of an iceberg and told us that the sub conscious realms could not be reached. Yet he was able to identify what was "unreachable". But that's another story for another day.

Our beliefs - both the ones that we can speak up and say "This is bunk" or "I feel ya"...and the ones we might deny...."I"m not looking for a caretaker...I"m not "dependent"...(that was me in the beginning...) affect our choices, our viewpoint and how we overcome...or accept...the life circumstances that change us.

Both the conscious and unconscious beliefs we carry affect our ability to walk away from this train wreck called PTSD, mental illness or whatever label you are comfortable attaching to the issues of emotional and cognitive instability and distress.

Case in point: In her book My Stroke of insight Jill Bolte Taylor is able to damn near draw us a picture of what it's like to go through a massive stroke. Then she is able to, with clarity and conciseness, identify the steps she took to reclaim her brain - and her life.

Bear with me here.

Now - compare this to the millions of people who have suffered strokes and been told it is not possible to recover.

Interesting conflict in my mind.

Whats the diff?

Jill Bolte Taylor as a brain scientist had the KNOWLEDGE to understand 1. what was happening to her and 2. the necessary steps to take to retrain her brain and return to her profession as a DOCTOR, a Neuroscientist no less.

Mind you - this is a VERY simplified analysis of this book but think about it...

Many who suffer from the symptoms of emotional and cognitive distress (whatever label you choose) have been told by the well intentioned professionals - the Doctors, Therapists and other clinicians - that WE WILL NEVER WALK OR TALK AGAIN ie comparison to a stroke victim. That we are permanently and irreparably broken and will be broken FOREVER. "Prognosis = poor".

Personally - I firmly believe in the neuro-plasticity of the brain. Once broken does not mean forever broken. I personally believe that every human being has the potential to create change in their lives through new knowledge and understanding. I also believe that not everyone is going to agree with this position and that's ok; just humor me and try to be open to some different ideas maybe.

For some of us this journey to take back our lives and reclaim our futures is a matter of overcoming the PTSD issues and we have a solid "self" to draw on as a resource to support us in this journey of healing.

For survivors of the abuse and neglect as children or other long term oppression who did not have the opportunity to develop a sense of self, competence and individuation - we have a few more steps to take to learn about 1. what we are lacking in our development and 2. what we can do to learn to develop the life skills that will take us further than we would otherwise be able to travel in life.

Regardless of which path your life is on...for me - holding on to that rear view mirror perspective of my life left me in a chronic state of hopelessness for a better day and helpless to change my life.

Me? I chose to jump on the train that takes me out of that dark place.

Q: What's your take on this idea?

No trauma but still struggling with depression...Carla Dippel's journey

We are adventurers on a quest for our treasure ~ Carla Dippel

Over at the Blog "Emerging From Broken" Carla Dippel has posted a really great article about how she became aware of the faulty belief system that had been modeled for her growing up.

Carla did not experience child abuse or trauma yet did struggle with chronic depression and anxiety issues. Carla does such a great job at describing the insidious way that unhealthy coping behaviors and beliefs are subtly passed from one generation to the next - so I'm not going to go into my take on this subject at this time, but here are a couple of excerpts and I hope you'll drop by Emerging From Broken to read the entire article and other related posts.

Here is are a couple of short excerpt from Carla's post:

"For so long I could not figure out why I struggled and struggled with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. I had no traumatic event to point to in my childhood to explain it...."

"...In seeing how the belief system was implanted in me in my earliest years, I become free of the lie that I was just born faulty, born with the tendency to be depressed, born with a weak mind or weak soul. This is the truth: I wasn’t born to be depressed or to struggle with low self-esteem. I learned it from somewhere and just didn’t know how to get rid of it until now..."

Continue reading by clicking here.

I hope you'll read this eye opening article and how she began to break the ties of an old belief system that wasn't working for her.