My "Do Over"

Each Season is New
"Spring"

From the archives of May 2010...

Each year consists of 365 days, each day holds the same 1,440 minutes. I got tired of year after year being the same, feeling the same hopelessness for anything more than the chronic emotional anguish that I had lived in for years. Helpless to believe that I had any power to change this. I was just surviving but not really living.

Some time ago I started looking at each day as another 1,440 opportunities to stop whatever wasn't working and start over, begin making new choices, creating the life I want today in spite of what my yesterday looked like.

If today isn't what I want it to be - I have 1,440 chances to turn it into the life I want by choosing differently...by being aware of the thoughts that drive my dependence on other people, places and things that really have no bearing on how my day plays out. Then choosing to come back to the understanding that while I can't always choose what is going on in my life at any given moment - I can always choose how I let it affect me and what my response will be to any given situation or circumstance.
Every moment of every day is a chance to have that "do over" that I'd always wanted.
~

Seeing My Failure in the Success of Others

Photo Credit

I learned from a very young age that I had no control over my life. That what happened to me and around me did not come from within me but was the result of what other's did or didn't do.

I spent a lifetime looking at the world around me from this perspective.

I did not see the world as my "oyster"

I saw the world as everything that I never had and never would have.

Anything that I did have was a fluke because I had worked "hard enough" or done something "right enough" but I did not believe that it was long lasting or something that I could repeat.

I could not take credit for any success and constantly demeaned myself and any good thing that was in my life. I expected good things to be temporary, fleeting and as though the good feeling of accomplishment was a bad thing because that was my life experience...

...that good things may come my way but don't get too excited because it will not last.

Someone or something will take it away from me.

I saw all "good things" in my life as having come from someone or something outside of myself and often this included being able to manipulate someone else into providing me with my solutions by living in that state of perpetual victimhood.

And there was always someone ready and willing to rescue me from myself and "fix" me or my life and reenforce that I was incapable of learning how to take care of myself and be my own best resource.

I saw myself as "powerless" and I felt hopeless to create conscious change in my own world, my own life. I saw the world outside of myself as both my problem and my solution.

I felt helpless to be the "captain of my own ship" or the creator of my own universe.

Because I'd been taught that I was not "good enough" could not do things "right enough" and somehow was just not "enough"; that my world, my dreams, my hopes, my "being" was defective, corrupt; that my life was not in my hands.

I developed a dependence on people, places and things outside of myself to shape my life and tell me what to do. I often struggled with making even the simplest of decisions - so I often did made no decision, took no action - while my life passed me by.

Consequently, when I saw others in this healing journey making progress and moving forward in their own lives finding peace, joy and happiness - I couldn't celebrate with them because in their success I saw my failure.

Instead of seeing hope for something that I could accomplish for myself I saw all that I did not - and believed that I could not - have.

Today then....

When I see another's success...I intentionally catch the negative thoughts of jealousy and resentment about what I never had, don't have and never will have and the rumination about my own history and pain where I live in that chronic state of hopelessness....and choose to look through a different lens; a lens of hope.

And suddenly I began to see what I could have.

If you are looking for resources to support you in your own journey to wellness please check the resource page here.

Taking Time, Living in Wellness

Blue Flowers

May 2010

Part of creating a new paradigm of "Wellness" is living in balance, taking time to look at things, to enjoy the moment intentionally...to truly experience the abundance of life that we can find in one

simple

moment....

leaving "busy" behind and taking a breath.

For just a moment....

find something of natural beauty in your own world...

the sky

a cloud

a rain storm

a puddle

a butterfly

a bird

and watch it in it's natural state of "being"

without judgement

or question.

Just knowing

that it

is.

Experience this moment

observe

the breeze

the color

the texture

the scent.

For a moment

just

be.

Then - if you would be willing to share - I'd like to invite you to come back later and share what you experienced in your moment of "being" and creating that balance in your own day.

Namaste :)

Writing a New Ending to the Trauma Experience

Background photo credit here

This picture hangs on the wall by my front door. I created it as a part of my healing process to exemplify my experience of what it was like for me to "go through" the pain to "get out of" that dark place of shame and claim my "me-ness" which btw - was the exact place where I discovered that in spite of the past, the traumas, I could begin to create my best life each day. This is where I made the mind-shift to lay claim to one of my tag lines...

"No longer a victim and more than a survivor; creating and living my best life!"

Today let's take a look at part of the insight - those "aha!" moments - that led me down this path...

What's the diff between "story" and "story"?

What I've found along the way is that I would often get stuck in "story"...

the "reliving" of the past where nothing good ever came of the situation.

This is that place where I am literally "stuck" in the anger and injustice at the past.

Where I'm focussed on those people who wronged me

the situations and circumstances where I felt powerless and indeed may have been powerless - like a car accident, an abuse situation, or where I trusted someone and was betrayed.

This is "rumination".

This is where I lived in resentment

and grudges.

My anger was often justified at those things - those people places and things that I had put my trust in and in some way I was injured.

But I have since learned to use this anger to propel me through the healing journey.

How?

By recognizing "anger" as part of the natural human healing process

and

with intention

moving from the anger at the injustice and pain

through the emotional healing process

to reach the grief

the tears

the deep inner wounds

and let go

of the idea of finding justice where there may be none

accepting that I was truly powerless in this situation

that ruminating it over and over will not create a different outcome

or give me power to force justice for my pain

and in letting go of the "anger"

and telling the "story" over and over in my head and to anyone who would listen

I was able to get to my "story"

embrace and integrate the pain of the past

into my today

and allow the end to finally be written

in my tears.

Haiku

Listen in to how I learned to use anger to fuel my healing and find freedom from the pain of the past Empowering Solutions: Letting Go of the Battle

Q: How have you made that shift from "story" to creating the ending, finding closure and creating your best life in spite of past traumas?

"Ordinary Magic" - Meet Judy at "Zebra Sounds" :)

Photo Credit

"Do not tell people how to live their lives. Just tell them stories. And they will figure out how those stories apply to them." ~ Randy Pausch 1960-2008

I've recently stumbled across this blog "Zebra Sounds"...and yes, I am fascinated by the fact that it also has "Zebra" in it's name:)

But mostly I'm fascinated because the author tells such wonderful stories that are wrapped in the simple, beautiful truths of life without sounding the least bit preachy or leaving me feeling as though I sat through yet another lecture on the tenants of life.

Here is a link to a post that held my attention - and spoke gentle volumes about taking that leap...anyway.

And the sense of wonderment and accomplishment that comes with doing so.

I hope you'll drop by for a read and let her know that you came via that "other Zebra blog" :-)

Ordinary Magic.

This Became My Truth

This was my "aha" moment 2.5 years ago...."If "mental" is thought. And "illness" is sick. That means that I can choose to learn how to recognize the thoughts that are making me feel sick...and change.

This was the turning point for me.

This became my truth.

For fifteen years I had believed that I "felt bad" because I had some hidden, mysterious "disease" or "illness" that was causing the emotional instability, the physical exhaustion and numerous complaints like chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, severe anxiety to the point of getting a new label - "agoraphobic".

But even though the sun was shining, my kids were doing well, I had no life drama going on outside of me - I still felt like hell.

I sat there in my car because I was so full of anxiety that I couldn't go anywhere near people and tried to think through this situation rationally.

I had a new therapist who had set a clear boundary with me and had said very directly that as much as she wished she could "fix" me....that she couldn't.

It was up to me to make my life what I wanted it to be.

Shit.

Yet awesome.

For the first time in my career as a "consumer" of mental health services someone was telling me there was a solution besides more "meds".

That I held the key to the life I wanted.

Within myself.

And this was the moment I stood at the top of that mountain, tears streaming down my face, my body trembling in fear...

And leaned forward into the wind

and knew

that something would be there for me to stand on or that I would

Fly.

Q: What is your truth? Where does your power come from? What is it that you hang your hope on for a better tomorrow?

Kyla's Question on The Zebra Effect: Meltdown or Mastery?

In last week's post Black and White - The Zebra Effect, Kyla brought up a good question on the thought about focusing on the labels that come with "symptoms" of a "diagnosis"...you can read the full comment stream at the original post here.

Kyla's Question:

Q: " ...I do have a question though, regarding what you were saying about symptoms, do you mean it's not good to focus on those? I was just curious what you meant"

A: Hi Kyla! Good question - you've been reading my mind! I was just thinking it was time to post about the subject....I'll do my best to answer you here though to start with...

"Symptoms" can be a double edged sword, I think.

On one hand, when my focus is on only the label of "diagnosis" or "symptom", I'm focussed on doing whatever I have to do to "avoid" "triggering" the "flashbacks", "nightmares", "hyper-vigilance", "depression" and so on - the stuff PTSd is made of:) and often the groundwork for additional mental health and physical diagnosis down the road.

Here, the focus is on the label and "managing" the "symptoms".

In this case, the presumption was there is no solution - so it was vital to be able to recognize what might "trigger" a "symptom" in order to maintain any sense safety and congruency of self. I studied, read and learned all I could about my "diagnosis" and how to recognize the onset of a "symptom".

I was effectively anticipating the onset of the next trigger and an increase in my "symptoms".

But - even with all the knowledge and understanding of "diagnosis" and "symptom" I couldn't make "it" stop; it was as if the "diagnosis" had developed a life of it's own and I took it on as "me".

"Hi; my name is Susan and I have _________(diagnosis)

Or "Hi; my name is Susan and I'm ______________(diagnosis).

I was taught how to "cope" and "manage"; but not to live without these "symptoms" that my life was built around and tormented me day and night.

In this mindset, I learned to do what I could to avoid the "triggers" and "symptoms" that came along with my "diagnosis". I did the best I could to learn to just "live with it", managing the best I could with the limited resources I had found. I was dependent on external resources to manage and cope.

I felt powerless.

Often I could not find relief from the "symptoms" and this is when the negative coping came into play. It was exhausting and draining to live this way and in time I was living with more mental health and physical illness "symptoms" from the unresolved stress response...I was "surviving" day to day...but I was not living the life I wanted for myself.

On the other hand if I'm in a situation and become aware that my body is tense, I feel agitated and on guard - I recognize the signs or indicators and have since learned how to use natural ways to bring down the stress response instead of being swallowed up by it.

In this scenario I'm learning to become aware of my physical, cognitive and emotional response aka "symptoms" of emotional stress and indicators of the emotional distress that we have come to know as "mental illness" and with this insight can choose to utilize healthy coping skills vs the unhealthy coping skills of avoidance aka dissociation, addiction, self harming etc....

I believe using the labels that come with diagnosis and symptoms can either cripple us - or become a tool we can use to consciously create the change we desire for ourselves.

In the past I was focussed on anticipating the symptoms and thus - the conundrum of PTSd - perched, ready to do anything to avoid triggering symptoms that had no end but...

today...these same "symptoms" can guide me down the path to self empowered healing when I view them as a map that will guide my journey.

Thanks for asking Kyla; this was a great question!

Susan

PS A final note - I've learned that if I am still "triggered" in a situation - I can use this as an indicator of perhaps I am ready to do some emotional healing related to the issues that come up rather than that of "it's hopeless".

Trusting the process :)