Happiness is a choice? Then why am I not happy?

I'd hear the saying "happiness is choice"…

And feel worse.

What was wrong with me that I wasn't able to be happy? 

Indeed…

There had to be something "wrong" with me. 

I mean seriously wrong with me.

I was angry.

I was sometimes mean.

I was oftentimes driven to be busy, busy, busy.

But I was not "happy".

So - when I sought help - it was confirmed that something was wrong - terribly wrong with me. 

My brain was indeed broken.

I had a "disease" - like *diabetes! 

I had an "illness" that affected my ability to be "happy".

Aha! That explained it!

A "diagnosis" made it all make sense.

Yet - the prescribed "treatments" that were supposed to make me "feel" better - never worked. 

I settled into a life of "less than" "for the rest of my life".

And stayed there.

UNTIL I met someone who had traveled this path before me and discovered their own truth and shared it with me…

That there was nothing "wrong" with me other than I did not know how to access the power that lives in each of us to see myself as the creator of my own "best life". 

Tip: if happiness has eluded you….set a goal for yourself and each day take steps toward that goal.

Maybe its a goal to move to a new home, get a new job or go back to school.

Maybe its a goal to learn how to become more self sufficient; to learn how to be less "reactive" and more "responsive". Or maybe to learn the difference between "boundaries" and "walls".

Whether your goal is to be-come your best self through personal development learning strategies or to do or have something that you have longed for…

The best remedy for chronic sadness is to focus on what makes us happy and find our own empowering solutions when we aren't'.

True stuff.

Susan :)


*Diabetes - the whole paradigm built on the idea that "mental illness" is a disease like diabetes is more true than we know. First we must differentiate between type 1 and type 2 diabetes. In type 1 - there is a real physical issue that cannot be fixed. One is born with this. It is diagnosable through medical tests. In type 2 - this diabetes is brought on by overconsumption of refined sugar and can be reversed with diet and exercise. In considering the issues of "mental illness" in this context we must remember that there is NO diagnostic test for this - therefore these issues are not the same as type 1 diabetes which can be diagnosed and treated. In the context of type 2 diabetes - the issues of so called "mental illness" are also brought on by life experiences albeit more complex than just consuming enormous amounts of refunded sugar although refined sugar has been proven to cause issues that can be labeled "mental illness". For more on this I can recommend visiting Beyond Meds articles on gut health, this article at Mercola on sugar and mental illness, this article on gluten and schizophrenia, and there are numerous studies revealing the impact of childhood trauma to what is labeled "mental illness". In addition, very often the "medicine" we are given becomes the cause of the "illness" as I experienced. All this as food for thought and to point out - these issues do not have to be "for life" and the "mental illness" model is 1. not an effective life model and 2. it is not the only model, or paradigm, about the human condition, the life we live or the struggles we face - although it is the only one we hear about when we ask for "help". 

Be informed to be empowered. 

For more on these issues please visit www.beyondmeds.com 

Resources

Visit the archives to the Empowering Solutions podcast here for real life solutions to real life and relationship issues.

Follow the Empowering Solutions community page here for daily tips on learning to live beyond the drama and trauma of our past…

And the Empowering Solutions blog is here for articles and essays on life and life issues. 

Please subscribe at the top for blog updates and join our mailing list.




 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!™
 Thanks for following, reading and sharing!

Why do I feel so powerless? The difference between "acceptance" and "tolerance"

I used to think that I had to "accept" or "tolerate" bad behavior and being abused and mistreated by others because I could not change them - so I had to change myself in the hope that they would treat me better….

If I was ______ or did _______ or said _______ or had ________ or looked _____

THEN they would love, appreciate, see me as worthy and valuable to be loved. 

Then maybe they would _______________. 

Right? 

Wrong. 

Acceptance of "what is" does NOT mean accepting or tolerating being mistreated.  

In fact when I lived like this - I felt overwhelmed and overcome with feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness. 

This is where I was doing the "dance" of dysfunction as I tried to figure out the steps…

What could I do to make things better? 

How could I be different so they would love me, so they would stop being hurtful to me?

This is where I also lived in chronic "depression" and would "zone out".

When I started realizing "depression" and zoning out aka "dissociation" were not a "disease" but a natural response to not knowing how to own my power to change my life?

That is when my life started to change. 

Change can be painful

Change can be painful but not as painful as staying in situations where I was not happy about the way others treated me and knowing there was nothing I could do to change them or the way they treated me.

Acceptance is peace not tolerance

Acceptance means living in peace with what is vs trying to control or change others or circumstances to change outcomes.

Acceptance does NOT mean tolerating things that are intolerable. 

This -  is where we feel helpless and powerless. 

That is where we lose hope.

I found my hope when I found my power. 

Acceptance - yes.

Tolerance - no.

We can make a plan and learn how to change our lives when circumstances are such that we can't change them.

In the meantime…

When we know that we can create the change that can change our life and allow us to live in that place of peace….

We can learn and practice living in acceptance of what is until we can achieve what could be. 

Q: What is it in your life that feels overwhelming and intolerable that you have been "accepting" and leaves you feeling hopeless and helpless?

What would life look like for you if you were to change this? 

What do you need to learn to create this change?

Life skills? 

How to set and maintain healthy boundaries?

What the difference is between healthy and unhealthy dependence and relationships? 

Coping strategies for difficult moments?

Do you want to go to school so you can have the career that would enable you to create this new life? 

Once we identify the "problem" we then identify potential solutions and start acting on those ideas vs staying stuck in telling the story of the problem over and over and over. 

The idea of taking that journey can feel scary yet - it is in facing our fear that we find our courage. 


You're a rock star.

True story. :) 

Until next time,

Susan

Resources

Visit the archives to the Empowering Solutions podcast here for real life solutions to real life and relationship issues.

Follow the Empowering Solutions community page here for daily tips on learning to live beyond the drama and trauma of our past…

And the Empowering Solutions blog is here for articles and essays on life and life issues. 

Please subscribe at the top for blog updates and join our mailing list.



 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!™ Thanks for following, reading and sharing!

Offering Advice - Or Butting In? Two Ways To Use This To Fuel Your Journey

Dysfunction is NOT about the others in our lives who behave badly. Its about what we do in our relationships that contribute to the dysfunction - and learning to do it differently. Today I'd like to explore a topic that was SUCH a big deal for me in my own journey and in the understanding of it - became a truth that set me free. 

Advice that we did not ask for is not advice - it's butting in. 

Setting "boundaries" on this issue is NOT about "making" others stop doing this but about knowing when to make space and keep our distance with those who don't get it. 

In healthy relationships we can say "I really just need/want to be heard and validated when I "share" my struggle with you"; it is not so helpful when you tell me what to do or offer advice I did not ask for". 

In this scene our friend/family will most likely acknowledge that their advice was not helpful; maybe even apologize for being assumptive that we needed "help" we did not ask for. In the future - they will make an effort to respect that "boundary" or "limit" that you have set for yourself.

In an unhealthy relationship this request will most often turn into another drama situation. 

The individual will likely become either aggressive and "turn it back on you" or they will become passive and avoid you - their feelings will be hurt, they may even imply that what you said is responsible for their hurt feelings. 

They may try to shame you for setting this limit and making this request. 

They may become sarcastic and in other circumstances make cutting remarks about "not offending you". 

They will not make any attempt to really respect your request and in time will simply resume assuming they know whats best for you and test to see if you will say anything again. 

They will assume you will not withdraw and if you do they may attack you and try to somehow bully you to return to allowing them to be "in your business". 

If you try to limit what you "share" very often this person will be offended and try to "draw" information from you while not sharing about their own life. 

This information about the difference between functional/dysfunctional relationships empowered me in 2 ways. 

1. To choose the relationships that were healthy and stop investing time in relationships that were not. 

2. To start recognizing this behavior in myself and "owning up" and making "amends" with those I had pushed my own views on and offered "help" that was not asked for on.

 It allowed me to start seeing where I was doing this to others so that I could change this in myself. 

Dysfunction is NOT about the others in our lives that behave badly. Its about what we do in our relationships - and learning to do it differently.

Its easy to focus on what others are doing or not doing that we'd like them to change. 

The challenge is to learn to see what we are doing and what we can change that makes the difference. 

Umhmmmm...

I'm feelin' your pain and watching you gain your own power to change your own life.

From the inside out. 

This - is the Hard Work. 

For more on creating the kind of change that can change our lives....visit this page where you can find more on what that "Hard Work" is about....

You can do this. :) 

Best always,

Susan

Find the Empowering Solutions Fan page on Facebook here - receive the daily notes in your own Facebook stream....Click here to go there. 

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!™

 

There is no one to blame

A sobering thought I was contemplating....

Trauma/drama and dysfunction does not discriminate. There are no particular demographics. This is not a "boy" thing or a "girl" thing. Its not a thing where there is fault or blame although until a generation learns to change the way they view and engage with life we will pass this way of surviving/experiencing life to our children. It is by ending the desire to "blame" that perhaps we will end the perpetuating of the pain. Men blame women. Women blame men. Children blame parents. Parents blame children. When we all stop blaming and start doing our own work to heal our own pain  is perhaps when we will have healed enough to have healed the world. 

In others words...

Be the change.


When we stop blaming and start making others responsible for the things they do and say, establishing healthy boundaries and begin  communicating how their actions affected us instead of shaming and blaming them for how awful our life is today...


That, my friends....

Was a hard change to make.

I wanted revenge.

Justice.

I wanted to make them suffer the way they made me suffer.

The only thing with that?

Is that made me like them.

I know. 

It sucks.

Its hard.

It hurts.

And...

We are more powerful than we know....

The first step to tapping that power is letting go of believing we are still powerless. 

Letting go of the blame?

Meant I'd have no one to blame.

Get it?

To say it another way....

When I let go of the idea that something was "wrong" with me....

I had to  look at "ok then - well why am I so f*****d up?"

Of course!

Its my parents/husband/wife/kids/job/boss/therapist/the mailman, the milkman....I got fired, I was mugged, I was....

When there was no one to blame for why I was in such pain...

I had to go through the pain.

I could no longer avoid it. 

When I had no one else to blame...

I had to also become responsible.

What?

No - not responsible for what others have done that hurt me.

Responsible to learn how to deal with that hurt in a new way.

Learning how to let go of the childlike way of blame and hoping someone would rescue me, pay attention to me, understand me....

It became a truth that set me free...

Learning how to be responsible for myself to go through the pain instead of hanging onto it. 

(Deep breath here...)

I had to learn how to let go of the past...

that I could enjoy my today

and create my tomorrow. 



And the miracle?

Was that in learning to heal myself and "be the change" I wanted to see in the world?

I began to see things change in the world around me. 

Hard work; I get that and I'm feelin' it.

I'm right there with ya. 

You can do this. 

Be-come the creator of your own "best life". 

It is never too late. 

Always,

Susan:) 


Here are some other posts from the archives that talk a bit more about the how behind finding my healing and making it ok to let go of the past in order to begin creating my future. 

Fighting Forgiveness - the how behind finding the path to forgiveness and my new understanding that forgiveness was about me - not them. 

No Longer a Victim and Much More than a Survivor - an excerpt: This is the place where I give responsibility to those who let me down...and take responsibility for becoming the creator of my own "best" life.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men an excerpt: And this was the place where I began to understand that as we begin to become the change we want to see in the world - that the world will begin to change.

It Wasn't Me. An excerpt: I was able to understand the difference between understanding that my past life experiences were the reason my life was f***ed up and...using my past as a reason why it is still f***ed up.

"story"? Or "Story"?  An excerpt: It was in shifting my Story to be about me, my anger at being violated, my power and my choice taken from me, to feel both the anger and the grief, to tell why this was important to me that I was able to move myself into, through and out of the healing process and give meaning to the backstory by telling MY story.


Leave your comments below ...

thanks for reading; please consider sharing:) 

 Go here to pre register for our first "empowerment bootcamp" this fall...then send me an email and tell me what it is that you are struggling with? What do you want to learn more about? You can email me at info@empowermentbootcamp.com


Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

  

I Had to Get Real About the Holidays That Were Not Often Happy and Some Tips to Deal When You'd Rather Not

Making New Traditions:)

For years I'd tried to figure out how to survive the holidays with my dysfunctional family. In the end I realized that it wasn't about surviving but learning how to live beyond it by creating a new tradition - for myself. 

Holidays are one of those things that I did for years even though they were never not often anything to celebrate. My body would tell me it was that time of year again as my muscles tensed, I would start to shut down and be unable to function. I'd start feeling irritable, lashing out at those around me. Many days I'd not be able to get out of bed as the days on the calendar slipped from summer to fall and finally halloween marked the beginning of the worst time of year for me.

I slipped further and further down as I knew what was waiting for me at our "family" get togethers. Finally I made a choice for myself to not go.

It was hard. But for me the only option as my family refused to respect my new boundaries and continued to shame me, make me the brunt of their jokes and cruelty. They would often tell me that I deserved to feel bad because I was such a worthless person and had not met their expectations, that I was the cause of their anger at me and if I was just somehow "different" - then they wouldn't be mad and would love me.

I was constantly reminded that I was not "enough" and could never be "enough" to win their acceptance and love. I was often reminded throughout the year that I was not good enough for them to want a relationship with me. That I should be grateful they even spoke to me at all.  

So for me - as over the years I noticed this same pattern in my life and my dread for what the world touted as a happy time - I decided to create some new traditions for myself.  I started declining invitations to these family get togethers.

I didn't explain myself to them because that gave them power to again question my decisions and tell me something was wrong with me for not wanting to spend the holidays with them. And in the end they did that anyway - but I no longer felt the obligation to apologize and try to fix it.

This year will be my second year of my new Thanksgiving tradition where I volunteer at a local charity.

And I don't want to leave you with the impression that making this decision for myself came easily - or quickly.

It in fact came at a very high price as I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to be good enough.

That my family would never love me just because I was me.

That they would never celebrate my accomplishments; that I could never share my joy or my sadness with them and know that I would be heard or cared for in this way.

That there would be no Hallmark card moments, no sense of belonging, no laughter, eggnog or picturesque moments around the table or joyful trimming of the Christmas tree the day after.

Making this decision took time as I moved myself from the magical thinking of childhood to the harsh reality of my life with my family. This was moving from where I could somehow make it better if I was "better" - or just different -to the reality that while my family may not recognize their behavior as abusive – they are still responsible for their behavior. I had to realize there is nothing I could have ever done in my lifetime that would ever justify this kind of ongoing abuse and there is nothing I can do to make them stop it.

I had to grieve the family I never had...

The family I had always hoped to have and mostly...

I had to let go of the idea that there was anything I could have done or could do in the future to make it any different.

Realty sucks - but not nearly as bad as the reality of what I had lived for a lifetime believing I "had" to spend the holidays with a family that that served me up as the main course. 

So this wasn't an easy thing to do. I still feel angry at the way my family treated me. I still sometimes wonder if I couldn't have somehow worked it out with them. I still feel sad over the realization that there was nothing I could do to "work it out" and that to be a part of their lives meant I had to sacrifice myself, my sense of well being and self worth. 

You are not alone. It is not your fault; you are doing nothing wrong and whatever way YOU decide to handle your dysfunctional family, to go or stay away - its ok. 

Here’s an article with some good tips by Doctor, Author, Coach Lissa Rankin about learning to say “no” and claiming our power to set our own limits.

Heres to making new traditions be it serving others, taking a vacation to a new place, hanging with new friends...:)

In admiration of your courage to keep going when it gets so damned tough.

Susan

Related reading:

How do I love thee... This post is about learning to respect ours and others boundaries - seeing them as the defining line to a valid sense of "self" and healthy, interdependent relationships.

I am now "enough" Learning to see myself as all I needed to be "ok".

This is how we do it....the "hard work" The title speaks for itself:) Its not rocket science either:) Hard work yes. But not rocket science.

Whoops! I did it again!  This post speaks to how I used creativity to connect with myself and heal my own wounds.

Express yourself!  This is another version of my post above (Whoops!) that I did as a guest at Heal My PTSD.

How do we get "there" when here sucks so bad?

By putting one foot in front of the other.

There is ALWAYS a solution:) 


 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!