From the Archives: All is Well

Sometimes I find it helpful to go back to the archives and dig around.

Today I came up with this gem that reminds me that peace and well being is not about reaching that state of ascension :) but about reaching that place of acceptance.

The power lies in understanding that my solutions lie within myself...


From the archives December 31 2009: All Is Well

Well, here we are. Another year, another decade.

Today I suppose I'm feeling mixed; a bit thoughtful as I look at just how far I've come in this journey. A bit scared as I look at what lies before me.

One thing I have learned in this journey is that when I am feeling scared or lonely, depressed or wildly excited --- that there is that place where peace and serenity resides...that place is the "now".

This morning I was feeling so wound up. My mind was racing with all of the to-do's on my to-do list that had not been done, the goals that have not yet been written, the plans not yet lain out neatly for me to follow as I transition from one year to the next. In other words, I was feeling quite out of control of things. Frazzled, anxious, panicked.

So I took a deep breath. I jumped on the treadmill (uh - yea. It's cold here in Iowa today so no long outdoor treks for this girl yet). And I let it all go.

I burned off the high physical energy that pumped up that sense of feeling overwhelmed. I took some deep breaths and focussed on the one thing I can control or affect - my now.

Slowly my thoughts began to settle, the butterflies in the pit of my stomach started to calm. The tightness in my shoulders began to lessen and I realized once again that the power is not within the ruminating of the past or the fear I face at my future. The peace comes from letting go of those things I cannot change (the past) or control (the future) but knowing that if I take life one moment at a time, all will be well.

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

When We Don't Have "Helpful Help"

From a Facebook note I posted recently….

Not everyone has a supportive network to "help" them; in particular when community, friends and family do not support our chosen path and are often part of the pattern of dysfunction that keeps us feeling helpless and hopeless. Of necessity some of us must learn to figure out how to heal our lives on our own. The good news is that even then we are not really "alone" because the Universe always brings us the teachers we need in order to learn the lessons we need. The thing is to learn to be the student who is ready. 

Survivors of early life drama, trauma and dysfunction often struggle with the idea that we "need" someone to "help" us find our way. 

And - this is a very NORMAL place to be because in the drama, trauma and dysfunction we often did not learn how to see ourselves as capable. 

In fact many of us learned that we were incapable to effect change in our lives because our power was taken from us early in our lives. 

We grew up believing a big, fat lie that told us we are not good enough and will never be able to do anything right enough. 

So - it can be a bit of a challenge over-riding that old programming but the biggest part of that challenge is learning to recognize when I was "there" by checking, challenging and changing the story I was telling myself about whatever the challenge I was facing was. 

1. Was I focused on what I "had no choice" about? Was I "feeling" powerless? Did I "feel" hopeless? 

The truth is that as a child - I did not have a choice about pretty much anything. Life happened to me, things were done to me and for me; but I never had a choice. I learned to tolerate the intolerable; I developed a very high threshold for being mistreated so the lesson became learning to recognize when something "felt bad" so I could choose to leave those situations instead of trying to "work it out". 

I learned to recognize when I was feeling hopeless and that in turn helped me to recognize when I was feeling helpless/powerless and this helped me to find my hope by finding my power. 

I learned to recognize and utilize the support and resources I DID have and trust that I would have WHAT I needed WHEN I needed it. 

I learned to remind myself that feeling powerless is far different than actually being powerless. 

2. Was I feeling as though I had the answers for everyone else? Did I know exactly what others needed to do (yet struggled with knowing what to do for myself and my life)? Did I believe that in order for my distress to stop - others had to abide by my expectations? 

Learning to let go and let life unfold naturally was easier said that done at first. But in time and as I learned to recognize that I was taking on things that were not mine to take on - I found I was better able and prepared to deal with my own things. 

All in all - the lesson I learned that became a truth that set me free?

The lessons that enabled me to see that I was all I needed? 

Was when I realized that I already hold all the knowledge I need within me by way of the universe/inner wisdom/still small voice that lives within each of us and - that by becoming open to recognizing the struggles I faced in my life as my teachers?

I became the "student who was ready". 

Tip: learn to ask "what is the lesson I need to learn here" when things feel unmanageable, difficult or overwhelming. Practice going deep within for your answers instead of looking for that knight in shining armor on the white horse to rescue you. 

We don't have to wait to "hit bottom" to figure this out but of course sometimes that is the lesson we need in order to learn this.

A list of related posts on being the student who is ready can be found here and learning to use feelings of overwhelm to guide our path here. 

Is this easy? 

Not at all. 

Was it worth it?

Absolutely.

You go. :)

Best always, 

Susan

Tip: choose one thing instead of many things to work on and when this has become your new "normal" - choose another. 

Baby steps each day gets us where we want to go but thinking about all we should do? Often prevents us from getting anything done. 

ONE thing. 

Its the Magic....

We all have something we are good at.

Something that no one else can do.

And when we do it...

Its so easy we feel guilty as though we are playing hookey and just waiting to get caught:)

This?

Is your magic.

Yet for many who hail from backgrounds where we were not taught to see ourselves as 

magical

We can struggle with owning our magic. 

So today....this week....

Believe.

In you.

And your magic. 

Let it bubble up to the top and imagine it. 

It might be something that you've found yourself sort of 

falling into

time and time again in your life.

Or it may be something that you did

but don't do today.

You have that one thing in you.

What is it? 

Don't think.

Just feel it.

You may not remember what that one thing is but its there.

This week.....try being open to it.

And see if it doesn't come knocking...

You got it goin' on:) 

Fairy dust, sparkles and hope abounds where we dance with the wind....

Magic, I tell you....Its pure magic when we learn to live in that place where even the angels go...

"Wow! They do it so effortlessly!" 

Wink:)

Susan

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 

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Photo

The Keys to the Magic Kingdom

The keys to the magic kingdom.

Thats what I thought I was looking for all those years that I struggled with "managing" the symptoms of post trauma stress like the unexpected anger or feelings of rage, the depression and mania as I swung from one extreme on the range of emotions to the other. There was no middle for me; it was all or nothing.

The social angst that I experienced if I left the safe cocoon of the little world I had created in my head and my home became incapacitating. The most basic of human interactions became unbearable. The nightmares required medication to sleep but did not provide relief or peace, only a chronic state of lethargy.

The noise in my head was at times unbearable to the point of not wanting to die but not knowing how to live beyond this. Dissociation once again became my saving grace and my best friend as I floated through life day after day, year after year.

Emotional swings became my common ground as I fluctuated from the depths of depression to the highs of rage or overexcitement. Guilt and shame permeated my being for not being able to control my behavior as I swung from one extreme to another.

The hyper-vigilance was "paranoia" and what others might have termed irrational fears or psychosis was the reality I lived in every day as I battled a war long ago over yet still raging in my head although forgotten and buried amidst the chaos of my mind.

I existed solely to orchestrate and control my life and my environment in a vain attempt to avoid further emotional or cognitive distress that would surely come if I didn't. My life was consumed with getting away from the past - at the expense of my future.

I didn't know what was "wrong" with me - yet ultimately what I discovered was there was nothing wrong with me at all but that I was experiencing a normal human reaction to "trauma".

I simply did not have enough information to make the choice to move beyond being a perpetual victim or to get past living in "survival" mode where symptoms are managed instead of the freedom to create the life of my choosing outside of the nightmare of "mental illness" aka PTS.

The keys to the magic kingdom.

Do not exist.

What I found is that the solution to healing from the past is first, not easy. In making this decision to begin to face my past, to grieve what was my truth...well, I knew there would be times that it was going to feel like a dark and lonely road.

I accepted that no one else could walk this part of my journey for me. That I would face the demons of the past one by one, standing my ground as I determined to come out of this battle a whole person no longer fragmented or tormented.

Second, this journey is not a "quick fix". There is no pill, no book, no therapist or doctor that could "fix" me. I spent years depending on others to provide me with the answers, believing that if we could tweak my prescriptions a bit here and a tad there that in time I would be "better". That if I could only get my therapist to "understand" then he/she would be able to provide me with the magic map that would lead me out of this dark place.

Yet by becoming dependent on things, circumstances and people (regardless of the certificate on the wall) outside of myself to provide me with my answers and offer my life direction and purpose, that I was forfeiting my own power and sacrificing my own potential in the quest to have someone or find some answer outside of myself that I knew would be "the answer".

As I depleted all other resources about me - my family, there were no friends to speak of as I could not tolerate the most common of social interactions, doctors, therapists, the emergency admissions to the psychiatric ward of the hospital that would give me only respite for a moment - but no relief - ...I came to the conclusion that I was down to one thing; one resource. Me.

I accepted that there was no-one that could put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

There was no pill that would make the nightmares and the noise in my head stop.

There was...me.

And I determined as I looked back on my journey to this place where I now stood and accepted that I was my resource. I was my solution.

I stopped fighting.

I stopped resisting.

I started learning how to walk this walk and knew deep within myself that I was going to make it. I didn't know how exactly but I knew there was more to life that what I had been living.

Within my own self, I slowly walked up to the edge of the mountain, tears running down my face. I spread my arms as I stepped to the edge and knew deep within my being that there would either be something there for me to stand on - or I would learn how to fly.

And I haven't looked back.

Thank you for dropping by and reading a bit of my story and the steps I took to begin to reclaim my life. Read more about me here and what this blog is about here.

Next post: Like the little engine that could...finding self empowered healing through the awareness that I could choose to change my thoughts and how this was the beginning of changing my life.

Photo credit/source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rammorrison/481677631/

There is no one to blame

A sobering thought I was contemplating....

Trauma/drama and dysfunction does not discriminate. There are no particular demographics. This is not a "boy" thing or a "girl" thing. Its not a thing where there is fault or blame although until a generation learns to change the way they view and engage with life we will pass this way of surviving/experiencing life to our children. It is by ending the desire to "blame" that perhaps we will end the perpetuating of the pain. Men blame women. Women blame men. Children blame parents. Parents blame children. When we all stop blaming and start doing our own work to heal our own pain  is perhaps when we will have healed enough to have healed the world. 

In others words...

Be the change.


When we stop blaming and start making others responsible for the things they do and say, establishing healthy boundaries and begin  communicating how their actions affected us instead of shaming and blaming them for how awful our life is today...


That, my friends....

Was a hard change to make.

I wanted revenge.

Justice.

I wanted to make them suffer the way they made me suffer.

The only thing with that?

Is that made me like them.

I know. 

It sucks.

Its hard.

It hurts.

And...

We are more powerful than we know....

The first step to tapping that power is letting go of believing we are still powerless. 

Letting go of the blame?

Meant I'd have no one to blame.

Get it?

To say it another way....

When I let go of the idea that something was "wrong" with me....

I had to  look at "ok then - well why am I so f*****d up?"

Of course!

Its my parents/husband/wife/kids/job/boss/therapist/the mailman, the milkman....I got fired, I was mugged, I was....

When there was no one to blame for why I was in such pain...

I had to go through the pain.

I could no longer avoid it. 

When I had no one else to blame...

I had to also become responsible.

What?

No - not responsible for what others have done that hurt me.

Responsible to learn how to deal with that hurt in a new way.

Learning how to let go of the childlike way of blame and hoping someone would rescue me, pay attention to me, understand me....

It became a truth that set me free...

Learning how to be responsible for myself to go through the pain instead of hanging onto it. 

(Deep breath here...)

I had to learn how to let go of the past...

that I could enjoy my today

and create my tomorrow. 



And the miracle?

Was that in learning to heal myself and "be the change" I wanted to see in the world?

I began to see things change in the world around me. 

Hard work; I get that and I'm feelin' it.

I'm right there with ya. 

You can do this. 

Be-come the creator of your own "best life". 

It is never too late. 

Always,

Susan:) 


Here are some other posts from the archives that talk a bit more about the how behind finding my healing and making it ok to let go of the past in order to begin creating my future. 

Fighting Forgiveness - the how behind finding the path to forgiveness and my new understanding that forgiveness was about me - not them. 

No Longer a Victim and Much More than a Survivor - an excerpt: This is the place where I give responsibility to those who let me down...and take responsibility for becoming the creator of my own "best" life.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men an excerpt: And this was the place where I began to understand that as we begin to become the change we want to see in the world - that the world will begin to change.

It Wasn't Me. An excerpt: I was able to understand the difference between understanding that my past life experiences were the reason my life was f***ed up and...using my past as a reason why it is still f***ed up.

"story"? Or "Story"?  An excerpt: It was in shifting my Story to be about me, my anger at being violated, my power and my choice taken from me, to feel both the anger and the grief, to tell why this was important to me that I was able to move myself into, through and out of the healing process and give meaning to the backstory by telling MY story.


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Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

  

"I can't take it anymore" - Overwhelm as a normal response to overwhelming life experiences

"Overwhelm" is a common place for those who hail from backgrounds of drama/trauma/dysfunction.

Why? Because we are defective?

No.

Because we were often required to live life in survival mode where we rarely got reprieve from balancing learning and growing with staying out of harms way (be that emotional, psychological or physical harm). 

We also did not learn valuable life skills like prioritizing, choosing, organizing, boundary setting, self care and so on.

But today we are talking about that place of overwhelm...


That place where we want to stand up....

Stomp our foot...

And scream from the top of our lungs...

I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!

AAARRRRGGGGGG!

Or...

Maybe instead of lashing out...

We try to escape.

We run away.

We avoid.

We say one thing....

Why yes! I'd be delighted to help you paint your house, pack it up and move you across town!  

Yet do another....

That was yesterday? OMG! I completely forgot! 

Or maybe we'll get "sick"...or "hurt"

I am so sorry....I woke up with a sore throat/was up all night with my son/daughter/cat/dog...vomiting omg...I feel so sick, my foot is broken, I twisted my ankle chasing the damned cat....

Or maybe we'll pick a fight...

You said you would ____________. You are such a jerk/bitch/a****le. Well hell no - I'm not going to help you move. 

Or maybe we just....go away and fall into a place of depression and despondency...

Hoping no one finds us but ...wanting someone to rescue us, to pay attention to us....to take care of us. 

The point is....


A feeling of overwhelm is a normal response for those of us who have not had the life experiences that would allow us to know how to balance life on lifes terms. 

AND....

We can learn the coping and life skills that will enable us to feel empowered.


We can choose to change how we view ourselves....and the world around us.

We can learn to live as the creator of our "best life"...

That we can live our own "Un-limited life".

Where to begin? 

Right here.

Right now.

We begin by taking this off "auto pilot" and...

1. Acknowledge where we are right now - and that we don't have to stay there

Recognize and acknowledge that people, places, things and life circumstances are not causing our feeling of overwhelm but - that our inner resources are exhausted. 


Acknowledge and come to an understanding that the coping and life skills we learned in the trauma/drama/dysfunction were insuffiencient to allow us to not feel overwhelmed. 

Acknowledge that to create this change will take time and by knowing where I'm at....is the first step to getting where I want to be. 

2. Accept this as a normal response for our life experiences and that we can learn to live beyond it. 

Practice accepting that we are not defective but - that we are complete and full of an inner wisdom that once we begin to tap into it and become the creator of our life rather than a perpetual victim of life. 


Learning to view overwhelm not as  disorder or character defect -  but a normal human response to life circumstances that have overwhelmed our ability to cope is where I found the power to create this change. 

3. Awareness that this will take time. 

Grasp that there is no magic bullet, no one can fix this for us - but when we begin to see ourselves as capable...we will also begin to see how to create this change for ourselves

Focusing not on what we see as impossible but - each day rehearsing what we want for ourselves and the infinite possibilities that await us

Understand that it takes time to create change - that it is only in our childlike pain of never "being enough" that keeps us stuck in the magical thinking that we "should" be "better" "by now. Awareness and acknowledgement that we are human, that this is a normal thing to struggle with and that by taking action today I can have the tomorrow I want. 

Understanding that the expectations of others are often way below or way above where are at any given moment. Learning to become aware of how others expectations affect us can enable us to let go of the idea that we have to be anything other than who we are. That we ARE "enough".

4. Knowing that engaged action will take us from where we are to where we want to be

We can spend years...decades...a lifetime....wishing, wanting and talking about what we want - but never achieving the kind of change that can change our life. It is often when we stop talking about it that we finally do something about it.

Taking one action each day will get us to where we want to be tomorrow. Creating a plan on purpose is the beginning of shifting our wishes, dreams and desires from "some day..." to today. 

Not knowing where to start...makes it tough to start. Begin the day with remembering to live in awareness of the feeling of overwhelm as well as some new coping strategies.

A few tips to get you started on learning to live beyond overwhelm...

• Step back, don't say "yes" right away, always wait 3 days before making a commitment to a new idea or project, 
• Get honest with yourself. If you don't want to do something - make it ok to admit that instead of blaming someone else for your overwhelm. 
• Practice saying "no" in little ways to develop the confidence to say "no" to bigger issues. Saying "no. I'd like that table over there" at a restaurant is sort of a pre-requisite for being able to say "No. I'd rather see this movie" to an intimate relationship. 
• Recognize when you are falling into avoidance by picking a fight, "forgetting", getting "sick" or hurt in order to find an excuse to say "no". There is no shame and much power in choosing to live in conscious awareness of the subtle intent behind our actions. 
• Own up - when you catch yourself using old coping strategies like picking a fight and blaming others for your overwhelm.....first - admit it to yourself then apologize to the people involved."I was feeling really overwhelmed about coming over yesterday to help you paint and I took it out on you instead of telling you how I was feeling and that I really just wanted to stay home. I'd like to apologize for blasting you." (NOTE: This does NOT mean we have to stay around if the person involved starts chastising or shaming us instead of accepting our apology. It is ALWAYS ok to excuse ourselves from situations that feel bad)

Understanding that our current method of dealing with overwhelm are learned behaviors (responses to stress) AND that as such...

We can learn how to do it differently.

Now...

Go forth and rock your world:)

Show em what you've got....

Let a little light in....

And you'll light someone else's life a little:)

Always here,

Susan

This link is where you'll find some related posts on learning to let life unfold...naturally. Click here to go there. :) 

PS....

The "how" behind the journey is a learning process. Join us at the Facebook Community page here for the daily notes and get on the list here for upcoming events and news. 

PPSS...thanks for reading and please consider sharing:) 



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